My Self-Hatred & Another Dream

I like myself, at least some aspects, but deep down, I don't think I like myself very much. I not only have some body issues and often times dislike my appearance, but I also hate all the weak parts of myself that mask and hold down the GREAT parts of me that EVERYONE should see and love. And like they say, if I don't like myself, how can I EVER expect some sweet, caring, and wonderful girl to EVER like me either? Hell, ANY girl? Meanwhile, in order for me to like myself, I think I NEED a girl to care about me, so I can see my own self-worth through their eyes, so to speak, so therefore it's a huge fucking Catch-22, aka I'm eternally fucked.

I feel like shit tonight. I had a really sad, yet wonderful (at the end) dream last night, and forgot about it all day, until just earlier. I was thinking it over in my head and it brought tears to my eyes, realizing how sad it was, and how fantastically happy I felt at the end of it. And most of all, how TOTALLY unhappy I am in real life, and the growing fear that I'll never be that happy, no matter how long I live.

Basically, there's this girl. I really like her, like in a way I've NEVER liked a girl before. Usually they're really pretty, or nice to me, caring, or I feel like they know me and still don't SHUN me, or something, but this girl... She's just something else. She's so unique, and crazy, and goofy, and funny, and just awesome. I think we meshed really well what little bit we did spend time together, but as of late, I've barely seen her. I've been doing my best to try to spend time with her, to even see her AT ALL, but like almost all things in my life, it's ended in utter failure, over and over and over. So, back to the dream...

I'm in some building with lots of doors, some in front leading to the outside, and many inside, going all over the place. It's not supposed to feel like a maze, but to me, it is. I'm constantly going through door after door, searching for this girl. Every single time it seems I'm about to FINALLY catch her, she gets away again. I call out her name, asking for her to stop, to just talk to me for a minute, cuz I miss her, I want to look into her eyes, just see her for a moment. I follow her throughout the building, door after door after door, and each time I get close, she slips away again. The building is empty, but for some reason, I just can't catch her, but I keep trying. I do NOT give up, even though I'm tired, depressed, and nearly crying from frustration and sadness of not being able to see her.

I follow and follow and follow, and finally, I see her go through the front doors. I BURST out after her, and FINALLY catch her. I grab her by the arm, turning her towards me and stare deeply into her eyes. I see her smile, which draws a smile from me as well. I tell her how glad I am to finally see her, to talk to her, cuz she's been gone so long. I say how much I've missed her, and simply reach out to hug her. I wrap my arms around her back, holding her tightly, and feel her arms go around me. We hold each other tightly, and the hug, the embrace, it seems to go on forever. It's like time is frozen around us, and I simply look down at her, gazing into her eyes, and both of us are nothing but happy. I FINALLY feel happy, finally, as I can't even think of what to tell her now, and then... I wake up.

It was a wonderful dream that didn't really affect me earlier, just after I got up, but earlier, and now, it's just... so touching. I didn't realize I liked that girl as much as I apparently do, but nonetheless, I gotta let her go. She's just too good for me, too awesome, too out of my reach, literally and metaphorically, and will forever be, so all I can do is wish her the best and move on, trying to forget about her the best I can. I wish she could know how highly I think of her, but I doubt she ever will. I also hope she's happy no matter where she is or what she does, cuz she's just a great person, and I'm not sure I'll ever meet a girl like her ever again.

So to her, I say goodbye.

My Crazy, Crappity Evening

Okay, so the day started fine. Got up, played some VC, helped out with stupid cable problems, and then ate a little and left with my friend to see a movie that my friend was going to be in. We drove well over an hour to get there, with confusing zig-zag directions, and tons of stupid construction blocking off most of our paths the closer we got to our destination. That part was annoying, sure, but fun enough, as he said, "an adventure".

We finally arrived, parked across the street from the theater, and thought we were like 20 minutes late at that point. There had been confusing times for the movie, either 8pm or 9pm, and it was conflicting, and yes, as I said, confusing. We got there about 8:20pm and FORTUNATELY, when we walked up, it said 9pm movie start, so we had some time to blow. We walked down to the bookstore, roamed around a bit, then headed back. At the entrance, we spotted our friend, said hello, each got a short hug before she said she was off to fix some emergency and promised she'd be back. We went inside, bought our tix, and waited for the show to begin. Sadly, that is when EVERYTHING went to complete and utter shit.

Movie was supposed to start at 9:10pm, but at like 9:30pm, they said the problem was that they didn't have the movie to show. They were retreiving it, I guess, and said another half hour. I was fine with that, we were there, and already it took an hour to get to the theater, so we could wait an hour for the actual movie to start up. I was cool, just found somewhere to stand and patiently waited, enjoying a bit looking around at all the freaky people there, and surprisingly, quite a few hot chicks. It was nice. I kept checking the clock, and 10pm turned to 10:15, then 10:30, and soon 10:45, and at that point, being left all alone, bored as fuck, and hearing some news I did NOT like to hear, I was fucking done.

I already didn't give a shit about the movie, BESIDES the fact that my friend was in it, then add in my WORSENING mood to my boredom and aching body from standing for a while, then sitting awkwardly and painfully for nearly two hours and GODDAMN, I wanted to fucking go ASAP. Fortunately, my friend was willing to go, even JUST as the movie was finally there and people were lining up to watch.

I ONLY went there to support our friend and her movie that I know she'd worked hard on, and ended up wasting two hours, was totally alienated and alone, and only saw her for a GRAND total of 30 seconds, which was 30 seconds more than I'd seen her in the last nearly four months. So yeah, it sucked fucking ass. I was miserable ON TOP of my normal misery and depression, but I did feel really bad that I seemed to have dragged my friend down by "being myself" and asking to leave RIGHT as the movie was going to start. I just had to leave, so I'm very thankful to him that he was willing to go, cuz I'm sure 99% of people in this world woudn't have done that for me.

Anyway, we left, and within minutes, I felt a TON better. I avoided saying "bye" to our friend, cuz I didn't want to disappoint her knowing that we bailed out on seeing the movie. I don't care WHAT excuse we would have said in front of her, none of it would have been good enough for her. I felt horrible for ditching, but I felt BEYOND horrible already, so instead I just fled, pretty much. Anywhore, we were on the road again, and I felt nearly normal. We jumped on the freeway to get back "home" and after driving and driving and driving, seeming like the right direction, BAM, I look up to see Ford Field. Yes, we'd ended up in Detroit, which is NOT where we were heading, so yeah, MORE suck on TOP of an already sucky night. Fortunately, I called my bro and he sent us back on the right track.

It took a while to find the ACTUAL route back onto the freeway, but we managed, and after problem after problem, freak out after freak out (me freaking out at the theater, and then him freaking out cuz we almost got into an accident), we were FINALLY back to familiar territory. Then we hung out at the bowling alley some, then back here, watched an AMAZING episode of Impact (ha, sarcasm) and now blogging about one of the craziest, and crappiest nights I've had in a long time.

Looking back, I can say that dealing with SO much shitty shit in one evening made me REALLY enjoy being home. It also made me kinda try to focus on things that matter in my life, which is work for now, and HOPEFULLY doing some more photography if ANY goddamn girl is EVER willing to shoot with me EVER again. It honestly wasn't COMPLETELY horrible, cuz having an "adventure" with my friend was fun, and overall, it wasn't too bad. Many parts sucked, and I'd NEVER repeat it, but I guess I can look on the bright side now that I'm home and warm in my jammies (he he). I'm gonna try to do some constructive stuff the next few days and just see what happens. Pretty simple.

Plus, it feels good to FINALLY have some kind of "event" in my life that I can come home and blog about! YIPPIE!!1

My Unspecialness

I don't think I'm special to pretty much anyone. Maybe my family, but besides that, no. I am not special. I'm just another idiot in the crowd. I do not stand out, just because I am shy, reserved, and don't SHOVE myself into focus in some idiotic plea for attention. No, I play it cool, chill, relax, and therefore I'm ignored, invisible, and forgotten, and I'm fucking tired of it.

Why can't I be special to anyone? Why can't I be important? Why can't ANYONE go out of their way to help me, besides maybe one or two people that are nearly the ONLY exceptions. Why am I doomed to be forgotten, invisible, and ignored, even when I DO put out effort to do the opposite? To be ACTUALLY noticed, helped, and appreciated? I just don't fucking know, and don't fucking understand whatsoever.

I hate looking around, seeing different websites, messages, comments, etc, where people care about one another, leave thoughtful messages for one another, are playful and cutesy and having fun, when I get NONE of that. I have no relationship with ANYONE, especially a girl, where I can go back and forth like that and truly feel like someone cares about me. I'm always looking around with envy of all the things, the relationships, everything that others have, I don't, and they are TOTALLY unappreciative of, and underestimate like fucking crazy. They take it all for granted, like it's the easiest, most simple thing in the world, meanwhile I DON'T have that, and it drives me nuts.

I have friends, sure, but almost NONE of which I think truly care about me. I'm just here, just around, once in a while, and besides that, no one gives a fuck. They're too "busy" to care about me, even when I'm like CRYING OUT FOR HELP! I don't know what the fuck to do to get people to fucking NOTICE ME, but I'm nearly at the point of NEVER caring again. I mean, why bother when shit will never change? Why give a fuck at all when no one APPARENTLY gives a fuck about me? It's not goddamn worth the effort to even THINK about anymore.

Tomorrow, I'm gonna go out and support one of my friends, someone I care about, someone I wish, no, I'd DIE to have a REAL friendship with, but either way, it's probably not going to matter. I'm going out of my way for someone, to see them, taking interest in things they have worked hard on, unlike MOST people do to me, like the VAST majority, but it still won't matter. It'll PROBABLY be a waste of my time, but whatever. I want to support my friend, whether I see her or not, so I will. Won't matter, but... bleh.

I also won't give up on this blog. Sure, it may be 99% bitching and negativity, but hey, that's me, and no one's reading it anyway, so FUCK IT! Might as well vent every single evening with whatever problem, one of MILLIONS, that I have that night. Fun, fun, fun... :(

My Dream

All he wanted to do was hold her. He wanted to touch her, to stare into her eyes, to know that she loved him as much as he loved her. He wanted... no, needed to know that. He needed her, and needed to know that she needed him too.

He wanted to walk down the street and feel her hand reaching for his, holding hands together so happily as they walked along. He wanted to sit together, her lying against his chest, feeling her heart beating in tune with his own. He wanted to lay in bed, his arms wrapped around her, the sweet scent of her hair filling him with happiness. He wanted to see how comfortable she was with him, how much she trusted him, felt safe with him, and knew that everything would be all right as long as she was there with him.

He wanted to be the first thing she thought of when she woke in the morning, and the last thing she thought about when she went to bed at night. He wanted to know that she was always happy with him, always felt better when she was with him, and he could always cheer her up when she was down. He wanted her to see how beautiful she was through his eyes, and know that he would always love her.

He wanted so much from her, so much for her, but... deep down, feared that he'd never be anything at all to her. He feared he was nothing to the girl that he cared about more than anything, and a tear ran down his cheek as he lowered his head in sadness.

My Fear

I'm afraid. Afraid that by slipping further and further into the black hole, the abyss known as my depression and misery, that maybe I won't be able to return from it. Maybe I could just go too far into that sadness and never be able to be my "old self" again. Maybe I'll never be able to be happy ever again...

Everything just seems so bleak, so hopeless, so dark, and uncaring. I keep hitting new lows, over and over, and I'm just not sure how far down I'll go before things get better, or... maybe I slip away completely. I'm afraid that by becoming TOO depressed, I won't appreciate anything anymore, and nothing will satisfy me. Even if good things happen, I'm so afraid that I won't notice, or won't care, cuz I'm just so fucking miserable. Maybe I'll meet a cute, sweet, and AMAZING girl that will make me happier than I've ever been, but I'll be so consumed with everything, my misery, my anger, frustration, all of that, and maybe I'll pass her by. I won't even notice her, and not be myself, therefore she won't notice me and I'll be doomed to be single and lonely for the rest of my life.

I keep trying to be happy, to appreciate things, to look forward to stuff, to have hope in the future, but things almost always fail me, let me down, and leave me worse than when I started. Project after project, idea after idea, plan after plan get ruined, or cancelled, or forgotten, and I'm just not sure how much more I can do with so little hope and effort left inside of me. It's difficult for me to try normally, but then add on TOP of all that my horrible mood the last few months and I can barely do shit, let alone things that are outside my comfort zone, which is sadly many, MANY things.

What's gonna save me? Someone? Something? Some WONDERFUL girl to FINALLY make me confident in myself? Some awesome opportunity where I can make some money doing something I really enjoy? Finally publishing my book? Having people FINALLY help me? Doing a ton more shoots? Getting some appreciation? People caring about me? Will ANYTHING be able to save me from all of this misery? This depression? The hopelessness? I really don't know...

My Frustration

I write in this blog every single night now, and have been for the last month or so. I try to write cool stuff, interesting stuff, stuff related to my story, or poetry, or "deep" confessions about my feelings, or the events of my life, or WHATEVER, but since nothing happens in my life, I can't write story shit anymore, and I'm not great at making up poetry on the fly, every single FUCKING night I have NO fucking clue what to write. I think and think, and lately pick an idea and go with it for about a paragraph before I realize it's PURE SHIT.

The ONLY good things I write are my ramblings (shockingly enough, look at the title of my blog) where I just write and write and write off the top of my head and don't even care. It's not meant to be deep or meaningful or whatever, just LASHING OUT about whatever's on my mind, MOST of the time which is bad shit.

I've just grown to HATE this blogging, even though I SHOULD love it, and mostly cuz it's goddamn pointless. No one is reading this, no one cares what I do or what I care about or seemingly MUCH about me, so why the fuck bother? It's just me writing shit for myself without REAL meaning, and I already think my own thoughts ALL FUCKING DAY LONG, so... yes, almost completely pointless. Sure, sometimes I feel a TINY bit better after I write something, and a few blogs WERE cool story stuff, but people STILL wont read it. No matter what, people DON'T give a shit about me or the things that I work SO fucking hard on. Jesus christ, I'm pissed off.

Okay... FUCK. I guess I'm just gonna stop there cuz I'm too angry to think of ANYTHING worthwhile to write now that I bitched some more, aka "whined" but it doesn't fucking matter anyway. I'm gonna go read some more Anita Blake, which is FUCKING AWESOME, aka the OPPOSITE of the horrible piece of fucking shit known as Twilight, then sleep a few hours, then EARLY brunch before I feel like shit all day and wait around for the wrestling show that evening. Let's PRAY that goes well, otherwise I'll hit rock bottom AGAIN and goddamn, I don't know if my mind can handle any more bad news. I'm fucking miserable enough as it is.

P.S. Fucking fuck, do I hate my life. And fuck you for not caring about me.

My Venting

Do I really matter? How much do I mean to people? I mean, I'm not asking if I were dead, or to die, would people care, but seriously, how much do I affect people? Let's say I left right now on a trip and was gone for a few months, how much would things change? Who would be sad to see me gone and look forward to seeing me when I got back? Who would even care about the details of this random trip where I'd be gone, when I'm ALWAYS home and going on some trip like that would SO totally not be like me? Does anything I do, any effort I put out, does any of it REALLY matter?

Seriously. I mean, I've been writing these blogs for a month or so now, doing for me and purely me, but now, I've been posting some links on MySpace, kinda slightly "advertising" for it, and nothing. Nothing I EVER do, no matter HOW much effort I put out, it's like NOTHING fucking matters. Nothing at all. I could try a little, try a lot, or not try at all, and either way, people don't give a shit and nothing matters. Apparently I don't matter.

I ask for help, I try to help people, I'm a good person overall, and ANYONE can see that, but meanwhile I'm ignored, forgotten, left behind, and from what I see, nobody cares about me. Sure, they wouldn't want me hurt or whatever, but they don't REALLY care. They're not REALLY friends who help out when help is needed, which I GREATLY need as of late with my entire life being flushed down the goddamn toilet, but no, they're not there to help me. I help and try and put out effort, am SO fucking nice, NEVER nag people, but people SOMEHOW ignore me? I don't fucking understand it.

If I found out that ANY of my friends were in the situation I was in, I'd do SOMETHING to help them out, even the TINIEST thing so they'd know that SOMEBODY out there actually cares about them. But no, I get nothing. I ask for comments for my photos, and nothing. I ask for people to read my book, and give feedback, but again, nothing. I ask for ANY kind of help with web design, or finding clients, or getting girls to model for me, and a few other IMPORTANT things, but no, again, NOTHING. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND IT. And even though I'm rambling on about this, blogging my TRUE thoughts about things that REALLY anger me, upset me, frustrate me, and HIGHLY confuse me, does it even matter anyway? Am I wasting my goddamn time blogging about something that will NEVER change no matter what I do? Seriously fucking seems like it to me.

Why don't people come to me to ask for help? For advice? Why don't people care about me enough to help me out with my problems? Why are people APPARENTLY so consumed with their own lives, and often their own retarded drama that they aren't even willing to help me out when I'm the NICEST fucking guy I know? I'm not asking for brain surgery here, or even large sums of money, or THOUSANDS of hours of time and effort. No, I'm asking for SIMPLE shit, basically for people to care, and they can't even fucking do THAT for me. Am I not worth it? Do I not deserve people's attention? Am I the same with people in general now that I am with girls, where I'm practically ignored and shunned? Somebody tell me, cuz I'm fucking lost.

I'm seriously at PROBABLY the lowest point of my entire life, and have been for months, and I'm telling people my problems, I'm hinting at things, I'm sometimes BLATENTLY saying that I'm miserable, but what has come of it? ALMOST NOTHING! Nothing when I'm seriously miserable and depressed and I feel like I'm losing everything I care about, and nearly have no hope left. Things are HORRIBLE for me, with VERY few things that make me happy anymore, and I'm asking for help, but no one is willing to help me. Things keep falling through, nearly everything sucks, and I don't know what to do.

I've been bitching about the LACK of caring about my books for months, and nothing. I've been taking photos for months and BARELY anyone notices or cares. I mean, what the FUCK do I have to do to get some goddamn attention? Just cuz I'm reserved DOESN'T mean I should be fucking overlooked, taken for granted, and unappreciated! I am a TREMENDOUSLY great person, but I only know of a handful of people that I can say HONESTLY know me and appreciate me. The rest, I have no clue, and I'm sure they don't appreciate me. Sure of it.

I just don't know what to say or do anymore, cuz nothing seems to work out, nobody gives a flying fuck unless it DIRECTLY helps them, and life PRETTY much sucks. Sure, there's little "happy times" here and there, as to be expected, but MOST of the time, I'm not in a good goddamn mood, and disappointed in nearly everything and everyone for failing me, when I should be doing a TON better in my life right now than I currently am, jobless, broke, and can't even find any girls willing to take photos with me so I can do one of the ONLY things I even fucking enjoy anymore: Photography. I try and try, push and push, not TOO much, but enough, but no matter what, I'm ignored, blown off, and forgotten.

How the fuck do people get a message from me asking for IMPORTANT stuff, they read it, and then NEVER goddamn respond? How the fuck is that possible? How are people SO fucking self-consumed or, as they say, "busy" that they can get an IMPORTANT message from me and NEVER bother responding? I do NOT understand how anyone can do that, especially friends. Sure, I may not respond ASAP, but EVENTUALLY, I ALWAYS get back to people, cuz I FUCKING CARE!

I guess I'm nearly the only one. I guess nearly EVERYONE else just doesn't give a fuck about anything NOT directly relating to themselves. I guess my awesomeness doesn't even matter, just like I don't matter, so what the fuck ever. Fuck it. I should just stop caring, stop bitching, cuz nothing's gonna change either way. Try or not, put out effort or not, I can't rely on 99% of people in this world, so I might as well not even bother.

Goddamn, I feel like shit, and it's all cuz of a certain girl I care about and me realizing there is NOTHING I can do to help her, even though I'd do almost ANYTHING to make her feel even a TINY bit better. It's so fucking pathetic and I feel so fucking useless. She's so great, and still upset about something, and I am nothing to her, just like I'm nothing to PRACTICALLY everyone. I feel so bad, all of a sudden, that I could almost cry... :(

My Prison

It was dark. The room was completely silent. She was consumed with fear, terror, horror. Tears ran down her face as she looked around, desperately hoping to see something, hear something, anything that could help her. Sadly, she was all alone, just like she had been for... how long now? She couldn't even tell anymore. All she knew is that she had never been more scared in her entire life.

Her hands gripped the cold, metal bars. She was inside a cage, she'd realized, and it was small. Very small, like an animal cage, for some pet. She was tiny, weak, frail, so she'd never be able to summon the strength to bend the bars to escape. No, she was trapped, and most of all, she knew it. She sat in that tiny cage, hands wrapped around the bars, staring off into the pure darkness, listening for any other sign of life.

She had no idea how she'd gotten there, in that tiny, metal cage. She only remembered little flashes of a struggle, fighting, hands gripping her, hitting her in the face, and the pain as someone hit her, multiple times. Her face still hurt, a dull, aching pain, but her fear consumed her more than anything. She was all alone, and completely afraid of whatever was out there in that darkness. Someone had taken her, but for what reason? What purpose? What were they going to do with her? And most of all, would she survive?

She weeped, hands sliding down the bars and her head slumping down, almost lifelessly. She was losing hope, losing everything with every passing moment in that cage, within that dark room, her possible tomb. Tears dripped down into her lap, her body hunched over as she closed her eyes and put the rest of her energy into nearly silent whispers.

"Please save me. Somebody please save me. Somebody..."

My Nervousness

There she is. Not even twenty feet from me, but it doesn't matter. Five feet or five miles, neither makes a difference in the end. I'm too frightened to ever talk to her. As much as I'd LOVE to, as much as having her acknowledge me, even with one single look, a single smile, would light me up and make me happier than I've been in years, I just... can't. I'm terrified. She intimidates me. There are about a million things I can think of off the top of my head that I'd be more willing to do than just walk the few feet between us and say a simple "hi".

I don't know what's wrong with me, but that's just how I am. I just can't have anything to do with her. People ask if I'm afraid of rejection, and honestly, thinking about it, I'm really not. I mean, if she blows me off, whatever. It sucks, but I'll live. They then say if I don't care about being rejected, why the hell am I so afraid of her? Intimidated? And I just don't know. I DO know that even the THOUGHT of coming up to her, speaking her name, having her turn to me, look into my eyes, the entire thing just scares the shit out of me, for some strange reason, and I'm not sure if that will ever change.

I'm just so timid, so shy, so awkward, not really afraid of rejection, but pretty sure in some way I WOULD screw up, or just come off looking like some doofus, either stuttering or mumbling or not saying the right thing, not being casual, cool, nice, but being a complete moron. Then I'd PROBABLY feel even worse cuz I blew it, rather than being my ABSOLUTE best and she just happens not to like me, or talk to me, or whatever.

But bleh, I don't even know why I worry about it so much, or think about it at all. I'm never gonna talk to her. She's too gorgeous. Too nice. Too sweet, and funny, and... beautiful. Too wonderful. I admire her from afar, too afraid to ever get close, and doomed to be completely alone. She just always seems so happy, so cheerful, laughing and joking with her friends, and I'm kind of afraid of ruining that. I'd come over, look like an idiot, and then affect her in some negative way. I'd prefer her to be happy without me than awkward or annoyed with me around, bothering her.

I hate the idea of bugging her, of ruining her fun, messing up her day, being a nuisance. I think that's probably a lot of it. As much as I like myself, cuz I'm a cool guy, nice, funny, and all that, I'm like... not good enough for her. I'm different from her, and even TRYING to be around her, to talk to her, to be her friend, to be MORE than a friend, I'd just be... wasting my time. Her time too. I have no choice, so why bother?

A girl like her would NEVER be interested in a guy like me. That's probably why I don't bother, cuz I'm sure she'd never appreciate me. I'm not the kinda guy she's interested in. I'm not some "hot" jerk who only dates her cuz of her looks. I'm not some arrogant asshole that pushes her around and tells her what to do. I'd respect her, care for her, and... sadly, that's probably not what she's looking for.

The saddest thing of all is that she probably doesn't even know I exist. As much as I like her, admire her, and would DIE to just talk to her, I'm nothing to her. Absolutely nothing...

She turns her head. She suddenly stares across the room, across the picnic table, almost as if her eyes are searching for something. Her friends are laughing and joking all around her, but she's almost distant from them. Staring off, she looks in my direction, no, directly at me, and... she smiles. I can't breathe... No way... I don't believe it...

I finally exist.

My Quotes II

"I don't wanna be helped. I am beyond help. I wanna be hated. I want you to fucking hate me. Hate me with all that's inside of you. HATE ME!!!"

*****

"I'll always be there for you, but..."
"You lie, you fucking bitch. You never loved me. You never cared about me. It was all just a lie. One BIG lie to fuck with me. It hurts too much for me to even be around you anymore..."

*****

"You make me feel unappreciated. I want you to make me feel like the happiest man in the world, the luckiest man in the world, JUST to be around you, but you make me miserable. By not returning my love, you make me miserable, and angry, and bitter..."

*****

"No one ever compliments me. I feel like I am the only one who truly appreciates me. I know how great I am, but no one ever says it but me. I don't wanna be like everyone else. I wanna be special. I want people to like me. I want people to care about me. I want people to want to be around me... to spend time with me. I want to be irreplaceable..."

*****

"I'm so fucked up..."

*****

"I am myself."

*****

"I missed you."

*****

"I wanna be consumed. With love, or hate, or sadness, or depression, I don't care. I just want to be consumed, completely and totally. I NEED it..."

*****

"Why would anyone ever envy ME? I'm useless..."

*****

"In order to truly understand good, I must become evil..."

My Quotes

She couldn't look into his eyes anymore as she lowered her head in sadness and uttered, "People always leave..."

*****

"I'm different from when I left. I'm no longer the shy, reserved, little wuss that wasn't man enough for you. Now I'm older, wiser, more mature, and stronger. I am much stronger. I can be the man you need now, I promise."

*****

"Why won't you love me?"
"I do..."
"No you don't. Quit lying to me. Quit with your fucking lying. You don't need to 'protect' me anymore. Just be honest with me and tell me how you REALLY feel."
"I'm not protecting you..."
"BULLSHIT! You know me better than anyone ever has before and even YOU don't love me! What is wrong with me? Just tell me what's wrong with me and I'll change. I promise, I'll change. Just love me, please..."

*****

"Why can't you just be happy?"
"I just can't!"
"Why do you always have to sabotage your happiness when you find even a TINY bit of it?"
"I don't know! I'm just fucked up!"

*****

"I'm fucking done..."

*****

"I'm tired of you. Go away. Leave me alone."

*****

"Stop fucking with me!"

*****

"I've been dreaming about this for so long. You have no idea. I just never thought that I'd be dancing with you..."

*****

"You have to stop running away from your problems from now on, and face them head-on. That is the ONLY way that you'll EVER have a chance to be happy."
"I'm afraid..."
"I know, but just remember that I'll always be here to help you. I promise."

*****

"Why bother spending time with her or trying to make her happy? She'll never love me anyway..."

*****

"Even if it makes me 'happy' in the moment, it's just giving me false hope in the end."

*****

"You seem more... outgoing."

*****

"We're not meant to be..."

My Friend

When I first met her, she seemed so distant, so sad, so alone. I tried my best to be nice to her, to be friendly, to show her I care, and she began to open up before my very eyes. I could see something in her. Something special. Something wonderful. Something absolutely amazing and breathtaking. Then she got weird again.

It's as if there's a switch in her brain and with me, she's one way, and around others, she's someone else. I don't know who she is, or at least who she's trying to be, but somehow, someway, I think I can see the REAL her deep down, staring deeply into her eyes, and she's... beautiful.

I was her friend, and I think possibly the only one she had. We spent a lot of time together, got close, talked about ourselves, though me a lot more than her. The more we spoke, the more we connected, and the more she opened up to me, like a blooming flower. She'd be weird around others, but with me, only me, she would open up, and although she didn't talk about herself too much, I could see far more in her eyes than what she said with words. Soon, I liked nothing better than to just stare into her eyes, feeling like I could see all the way down to her soul, and she would always smile at me when I looked at her that way. I would then smile too, and I felt truly happy.

I miss her now. I had to leave. I had no choice, really. As much as I wanted to stay, there were more important things out there in the world, though I promised I'd return to her one day. And I will. I never break my promises. I also promised to write her every single day, and find some way to deliver the letters to her, no matter where I travelled. We shall see if she gets those letters, and when, but eventually, I'm sure she will. I care about my friend, even... love her, I think, and I will never stop feeling that way about her as long as I live.

So, to my friend, I would like to say that... I love you, and I can't wait to stare into your eyes again, see that smile of yours, and smile back with all the happiness in my heart. Until then...

My Savior

I need you. I rely on you. I don't even know who you are, what you look like, what your name is, or anything about you, but I need you more than you may ever know. I don't know if you're my friend, some stranger, someone down the street, or across the country, even on the other side of the world. I don't know if I've met you yet, or will tomorrow, next week, next month, two years, five years, or even decades from now. I don't know your age, your background, your family, friends, job, location, or anything else. I know nothing about you, but I still need you, still rely on you so badly.

You are the girl of my dreams. No, you're not going to "fix" me, or make ALL my problems go away, but you'll be that piece of me, deep down inside, that I feel I've been missing since I was born, or at least since I realized something was missing. You are what I long for, what I desire, and what I ultimately am destined to find, to meet, to fall madly in love with. You are my soul mate.

The problem is, I know nothing about you, nothing at all, so I'm completely lost. I am miserable with my own life, with much of myself, but meanwhile I must find you somehow. How am I supposed to find this wonderful person out there that's meant for me when things are so dark, so depressing, so hopeless? I just don't know how. I try, and things fail me. I try again, and people fail me. I try, and try, and try, but VERY few things seem to work out, so how in the hell am I gonna be LUCKY enough to ever meet you? To ever have you notice me? To appreciate me? Let alone love me? I just... don't know.

Someday you will mean the world to me. I will love you more than I love myself. I would die for you, but... what do I do for now? What do I do until I find you? Until you find me? Until we can finally be together and complete one another? What am I... no, what are WE supposed to do until that day? I don't know what to do. I don't know what I'm SUPPOSED to do to find the right road, the correct path, to find you, and... afraid that maybe I screwed up. Maybe I'm not doing the right thing in order to find you, or... worse, maybe I'm not good enough. Maybe I don't try hard enough. Maybe I'm just not meant to be happy. Which is right? Which is correct? Which is the truth? I really wish I knew...

Please, save me... I beg of you...

My Sickness

Under my shirt... Over my heart... It's spreading. It's been there for years, as long as I can remember, but it's never grown like this before. It's spreading faster and faster by the day, it seems, and it scares me. It angers me. It frustrates me, because I don't know what it is, and I don't know what's causing it. Why me? Why am I cursed with this? This... sickness? Why, dammit, why?

No one can find out. I've never taken my shirt off in front of anyone before... and never will I. I can't trust people. They cannot know my secret. They can't see this. They'd be scared, probably moreso than I already am. They already hate me, but... maybe they'd pity me somehow. Pity me for this cursed mark, whatever it means, and... I would hate that. HATE! I already hate, and it's growing by the day, just like the mark...

I hate everyone. They are all below me. I am GREATER than them all. They are NOTHING compared to me, like bugs compared to a god. They are pathetic and weak, while I am strong, powerful, dominant. I see them staring at me, admiring me, fearing me... Their eyes are always watching me, and it drives me mad.

Maybe my madness is driving the curse to spread faster, or maybe it's the curse which drives my madness. I do not know, but I DO know that I hate everyone, and wish they would all go away. I wish they'd leave me alone. I may be like a god to their bugs, but they don't deserve the honor of my presence. Leave me alone...

Looking at it, it scares me again. It's so red, like blood, but deeper... darker. It's frightening. Horrifying. Chills me to my core, but somewhere... deep down... I think I like it. It fuels my dark emotions, and I greatly enjoy those feelings. I enjoy the hate, the rage, and somehow, even the fear. I don't understand, but for some reason, I feel it is true.

My mark is my curse, but also... it may be my blessing...

My Therapy

Today was the first time I've ever had anything close to "therapy" although it ended up a bit differently than I had expected. On TV and in movies and such, the classic, cliche therapy experience is lying across a couch while the therapist asks questions about your life, about your real issues, deep down stuff, intimate stuff, digging away at you while you confess as much as you can, HOPEFULLY everything, and by opening up to someone to fully, you feel better. Also, they do their best to give advice from their unbiased point of view, and overall, therapy does help a lot of people, especially those with messed up childhoods or personal trauma. For me, it was a bit different.

There was a couch, but I sat on it, no lying down. And instead of being asked questions, he simply asked what I wanted to talk about. I REALLY hate those kinda open questions, like you get in interviews when the interviewer goes "Tell me about yourself" and you're just lost cuz there's just SO much to tell, and you're not quite sure what would be relevant to the topic at hand, typically the job and why you're qualified for it. It was the same kinda thing for me, as I couldn't think at first. It was too open, too vague, so I just kinda described my OVERALL stuff, age, bone disease, uhhhh, and then got lost again. Eventually I kinda talked about the easiest thing I could that was really bothering me: Being ignored and unappreciated, no matter how hard I try to put myself out there to get attention and MUCH needed help, and no matter if people are friends or otherwise.

That was the major topic for the hour, and sure, it was kinda good to "open up" about my problems, but this is FAR from the first time I've done that. Ever since my "biggest crush ever" nuke bomb went off a few years ago, I realized that being honest about my feelings, opening up to people (even a TINY bit too much so... lol) was a GOOD thing, and made me feel good, cuz I could connect with people beyond just simple things, like interests or hobbies or... whatever. No, I could connect on an emotional level and did get quite a bit of varied advice, ALL of which I listened to, carefully, and then determined my own personal best course of action that would work best for me. That process was good, helped out, but now things aren't so simple. It's not like before when it was just dealing with "feelings" but the REAL WORLD coming down on me, stealing away all of my hope, and crushing my spirit, or whatever's left of it. It's not some stupid crush, but getting a job, making money, gaining experience, doing things that are good for me personally to grow as a human being, aka MUCH fucking harder.

Anyway, it was awkward. Overall, it was okay, and during the actual talk, it was fine, as was to be expected, but leaving, I just didn't feel right. Thinking about how I felt, I realized it wasn't any better. Now sure, MOST people go to therapy the first time and go "wow, that didn't help for shit. Fuck this, I quit" and that's a BAD thing, but honestly, I've opened up about 99% of my MAJOR issues to a few people (one in particular, you know who you are) and while OVERALL it feels good to be honest, open, confess things, talking doesn't help. Advice helps, sure, but I've gotten a TON of advice over the years and have only done what I was physically capable of doing. I've tried, and tried, and tried, pushed myself, gotten a bit out of my "comfort zone" and while it's been great, it's been painful as I've already explained in previous blogs.

My point is that I don't necessarily think "talking" out my issues is going to help. Plus I feel guilty cuz the therapist is helping me out for free, doing my friend a favor, and being a good, caring person himself, but I don't want to waste BOTH of our time AND my money I'll eventually pay him, that he's due for helping me, if it's not going to help me. I've talked and talked and talked, and I just have a feeling, and I'm almost SURE of it, that no matter how much I talk, or how much he listens, it's not going to help me.

Basically, I think I either need ACTUAL help from my friends, family, and others to get my life to FINALLY fucking improve, and drastically, so I can feel productive and confident and HAPPY, POSITIVE, and good about myself, OR I just need to cave in and get some anti-depressants. Sure, it'll affect me physically in not ALL positive ways, but maybe I just need it to stop myself from being SO depressed all the time, cuz it just fucking PLAGUES me. I know my mom takes pills, other people in my family do too, and NEVER wanted to "rely" on pills in the past to make myself feel okay, but I feel like shit now, almost constantly. Plus I know that pills don't "fix" depression, but simply make it easier to deal with, soothe things a bit, balance out the moods, which I do think I need at this point in my life. So yeah, either DRASTIC positive change in my life, or pills. No talking is gonna help me, unfortunately.

Plus I believe that I'd be more helped by physical therapy to strengthen my body than the OTHER kind of therapy where I talk about my issues which I've done a TRILLION times before, ad nauseum. For my major shit, I'll just talk to people when I can, get what advice I can, and then do the PHYSICAL work of actually following through in "real life". I have an appointment for next week, and I'll go to that, but MAYBE not after that, depending on how it goes. Just gotta figure out how to "cancel" it if I don't feel it's a good use of our time and my eventual money.

Other than that bit of "news" for today, shit's still on hold, I'm waiting for PRACTICALLY everyone, and almost everything still sucks. Yay for me. :(

My Something

I really don't know what to write about tonight. I seem to have this problem MOST nights, but it's 7:09am right now, I should ALREADY be reading or sleeping, but no, time has passed and I'm still sitting here trying to figure out what to write for tonight. I'm NOT gonna break my streak and just "not write anything tonight" cuz then I'll probably give up completely and fail myself again. No, even if I don't have anything deep or interesting or great to write about, I'll just kinda write whatever pops into my head.

Last night I was sad, but tonight, I'm just kinda... here. Not angry, not upset, not depressed, exactly, but just here. I'm tired, which is to be expected being so late at night, or ACTUALLY in the morning, and I gotta be up "early" tomorrow for my first meeting with a therapist. I'm not sure if it'll actually do any good, but I'm willing to try anyway. I've talked about MOST of my issues, at length, with a few people, but things don't seem to change. Actually, they do a bit, but only get worse. The good things fade away, the shitty things get even more shitty, and new bad things pop up ALL over the place like... well, whatever pops up and is bad. Sure, I have made some GREAT personal strides in the last six months or so, basically since the beginning of the year, but with all the personal growth has come a LOT of pain, both mental and physical, and even "spiritual" as well. Growing pains, maybe, but either way, hurts like a bitch.

Random thought/realization from the other day, actually: My glasses are old. I havent had NEW glasses in at LEAST three years, if not four. My insurance ran out in mid-2006 when I graduated for the second time from ITT, and I know I hadn't gotten new glasses before that for maybe a year, if not two. These are good, and it's not like my vision's worse so I NEED new ones in order to function, but they're all scratched up, which I can clearly tell cuz no matter HOW much I clean them, they're not fully "clean". Anyway, just a random thought as I cleaned them AGAIN tonight and they're... irritating.

I finally shaved up earlier. I'd been "letting myself go" cuz it doesn't matter anyway, as I have no one to impress whatsoever. I'd NEARLY reached "hobo beard" level again, but just thougth "fuck it" tonight and took maybe a half hour to shave up, and trim down my beard to a neat, non-hobo level. Now I look good again, even with nasty, too long-ish hair. I could use a haircut, duh, but I'll probably let that go until it drives me COMPLETELY insane or my parents insist. I've always wanted "long" hair, but getting from "usual" to "long" seems like a bitch, and I'm not sure if waiting all that time and dealing with all the bullshit that comes with growing out my hair would be worth it. Maybe, maybe not, but I guess we'll see, like MOST shit in my life.

After my few days of "fun" from my birthday, things are back to normal, it seems, CONSTANTLY waiting for things to get rolling, and I'm realizing how time is wasting away again. When you can look back on your day and summarize it into like two or three things you did ALL day that aren't either making money or having a TON of fun, then yeah, it was pointless and a waste. Watching episodes of a TV show online, beating a video game, and working on a personal project that will PROBABLY never do anything except entertain myself while I work hard on it, which even that I'm barely doing that much anymore, THAT is definitely a waste of a day. I THINK I was supposed to do a shoot today, but with the girl not contacting me, me not being in the mood, and the weather outside (when is weather ever INSIDE?) getting colder by the day, aka LESS good for shooting for long periods of time, it just didn't work out, I guess. Maybe another day, as I still want to, but I think it needs more planning first before it all works out as it should.

Wow, this blog ended up a BIT longer than I'd assumed just rambling on and on about whatever came to my head. Oh, and earlier, seeing just ONE new photo of my former "crush" gave me some bad feelings inside, lingering shit, so APPARENTLY I'm not FULLY over her. But hey, who could blame me? I haven't ACTUALLY been "into" a girl since the last MAJOR one, and that was years ago. I've just had too much of my own personal shit going on, and been home WAY too much to "meet" anyone knew, so now that I did, or THOUGHT I did before it all vanished... anyway, yeah, it shouldn't be surprising that I can't just let ALL those feelings go ASAP. I'm trying, cuz while the original cutesy, hopeful, and "happy" feelings feel SO great at first, in time, I just end up letting myself down again, hopelessly, and then feel even worse than when I started. I know you TYPICALLY can't control who you like, or how you feel about people, but still, crushes are bad for me cuz the feelings are NEVER, EVER returned. Poor, poor me, I know.

Enough for today. I got some reading to do, then getting up "early" for my first therapist meeting. I'm definitely curious what's gonna happen, and maybe if I'll be seeing him regularly to discuss my "issues". MOST of all, I'm REALLY wondering if it'll even make a difference, cuz I've done a lot of discussing so far, with various people, getting SOME advice from those who listen, and I've tried my ass off, grown as a person, and am striving for the things I really want, but it's almost nothing but failure after failure after failure and either things don't change at all, or get even worse. Bleh diddy bleh bleh blehhhhh... And boy, do I wish I could just break down, cry my eyes out, and get it over with, cuz I'm sure I'd feel better, at least for a little bit. :(

My Sadness

I'm feeling sad again. I originally wrote "depressed" but that's more my normal mood, and tonight, I just feel sad. Sad about numerous things, a few sad revelations I discovered today, and drifting back into some old sad things.

Family problems are often the hardest we can deal with, and even though my family's good, probably one of the BEST I know, we obviously have our own. I've just realized today that nobody can fucking compromise, nobody REALLY talks and discusses issues in order to solve them, and even though I'm LITERALLY a goddamn fucking genius, most people don't listen to me. Well, DUH to the last thing, cuz I've known that for a while now, but the first two are new.

Compromise is important in relationships to help things run smoothly and HOPEFULLY keep everyone happy. When people don't talk, don't figure out what each person can deal with in order not to "rock the boat" there are problems, and they keep growing and growing, and horrible things come of it, like people say things they don't mean, and things are just fucking ruined. I TRY to make people discuss, but again, like usual, I'm blown off.

I'm just fucking tired of it, tired of being me for how I'm treated, even though me as a person is FANTASTIC. I want people to STOP treating me the way they do and GODDAMN APPRECIATE ME. Listen to me, pay attention to what I say, especially my advice which is great and balanced and unbiased, and just fucking DO it. But no...

I don't want to be too specific about this next realization, but let's just say that I've discovered that someone I was VERY much into isn't quite as great as I'd originally thought. Again, I've "idealized" someone, when in reality, they're not really... I guess what would be good for me, or what I want, or something. I'm not really sure how to explain it, but there are just some odd things, and... yeah, so good times, now I'm officially crushless again. Better to be alone and "crushless" than "into" someone I have NO hope to ever be with (aka all girls, no matter what), so I guess that's a GOOD thing, right? Better to have no hope than false hope. At least that's what I think.

I'm also sad that I miss someone. We've had a rocky relationship, from barely anything for years to "friends" and then I was HOPING more, but no, it wasn't meant to be, I guess. Either way, then it got bad, we weren't on speaking terms for a while, then back on, then back off again. I've had some of the most fun moments of my life with her, moments where I got to be a normal person, going out, hanging out at places, eating food, going to movies, spending quality time with someone I care about, and just... living. Few things truly make me feel like I'm "living" but spending time with her was one of those things, each and every time. It probably didn't mean much to her, and people doing the same stuff as I did then but ALL the time probably don't appreciate it, but I just loved it. It made me feel so good, so happy, so real, like I was a normal person, doing normal things, and had some girl who ACTUALLY cared about me for ONCE in my sorry excuse for a life. Sure, lots of bad stuff happened AROUND those fun times, but, I think, in the end, it was worth it, and now, she's gone.

She's moved away, and I have no one to spend time with anymore. She was an important part of me, in so many ways that I can't even describe, and for a long time, years and years, but now with her gone... it's just not good. I WAS happy originally, not having to "deal" with her anymore, our issues with each other, but now I truly miss her. I'm sure she'd realize how much I've changed since she last saw me, probably in a few moments, and hopefully make me feel a LITTLE better about myself, and things in general. Anyway, yeah, I miss her, and honestly can't wait to see her again. I'm just hoping, nearly PRAYING that being around her again, I can stop being miserable for a short while, even, and just "live".

I just feel... quiet and sad. And tired, but not for any REAL reason as I got plenty of sleep and didn't do shit today. I barely feel like talking, or chatting, or much of anything, really. I guess my mind's just realizing AGAIN that nothing is moving, no actual movement in my life, and with the family issues that I gotta fucking deal with now, and being "crushless" and FRUSTRATED with no one ever contacting me back to do anything to help me with things I DESPERATELY fucking need... I'm just sad.

Things are bad, I'm sad, and I really don't know what to do again. But it's different, like I'm not angry about it, right this second, but just overall sad. I feel like I could cry my eyes out with just the right thing to "set me off" and... kinda want to, really. I could use a good cry after all I've been through lately. I've already broken down like three times, officially, in the last few months, so I might as well make it four.

I just feel... cold. Chills, up and down my spine. And totally, totally sad. :(

My Scatterbrain

Since, again, I have NO clue what to write tonight, I'm just gonna post a bunch of random thoughts. Basically just whatever comes to my head.

First, my arm/neck/shoulder hurts AS USUAL. It's seeming to get better, but not fast enough. I've had this shit before, so it's PROBABLY gonna be lingering my entire life, I'm guessing. Speaking of things NOT healing, the HUGE bruise on my right arm, one of the biggest I've ever seen on me in my life, or really anyone I can think of, is STILL not fully healed yet. The lump's still kinda there, a little, and the right-half is gone, but the left is still dark purple , slowly fading away, and ALL from swinging on the swings like now almost three weeks ago? Really? If so, goddamn.

I'm always right, but when I'm REALLY right, when I'm sure about something and see it RIGHT before my eyes, goddamn, it makes me feel good. I'm fucking BRILLIANT, and it sucks that SO few people realize it, or truly compliment me on it either. Hell, the ONLY compliments I get are about my "brains" and even then, it's rare.

Bleh. People RARELY fucking talk about me, and then when I hear ACTUAL "evidence" of it, it's fuckin stupid shit. Some stupid girl blabbing about all the school loans I have, like it's her fucking business. No talk about my novel, my photography, my smarts, my kindness, my helpfulness, patience, understanding, and a TRILLION other awesome things about me. Nope, JUST my goddamn loans. Fantastic. Now people who hear that have this bad thought in their head about me, like I'm "bad" with money, when the problem is, I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY! If I EVER had any, and when I DO have any, I'm actually GOOD with it, so it's all fucking retarded and pisses me the fuck off. Fuck them and their stupid blabby mouths. I'm awesome, so spread the word, fuckers.

At this point, I've been up like almost 21 hours, from 10am Sunday til now, 6:36am. I'm feeling out of it, often fucking up on my typing, but hey, good for me. I'm a... something.

Yeah, I'm too tired, so I'll just be done here. Decent day, MORE shit got cancelled (SHOCKING!!!) but hey, life goes on. Hopefully things will EVENTUALLY happen and get better. We'll see, as I keep on saying at the end of these blogs...

My Would-Have-Beens

I realized last night that my life is full of too many "would-have-beens" and not enough "was's". What I mean is that things come along, opportunities, chances, events, and while I HOPE to be included, to go along, to have fun, things MOST of the time just magickally don't work out. It's always like "man, that party would have awesome" or "shooting with that model would have been SO great for my portfolio" or "getting that job would have been great for me" and MILLIONS of other examples, many of which just in the last few months. I SOOOOO rarely go "holy shit, that show was great" or "that shoot with her was fantastic" or "hanging out the other night was so much fun" and that really shows how my life is, and has been for as long as I can remember.

A lot of people would tell me "you just don't try" but the thing is, I HAVE been. I've been going out of my way, pushing for things the last few months to a year more than I EVER have before. The problem is, when you push for something, it's not ONLY relying on you for whatever it is to happen or take place. No, part of it relies on someone else, and THAT is where things fall through for me. I try, I push, I nudge along, I am persistant, or at least moreso than ever before, but in the end, it doesn't happen. SO rarely does anything I want happen, and the more I want it, the LESS likely it is to happen. Sure, I may not try ENOUGH, I may not push ENOUGH, but goddammit, I'm doing it more than ever, and people gotta realize that. PLUS they gotta realize that whether they call it luck or fate or whatever, it's VERY shitty for me, and most things just fall apart right before my eyes. No matter the effort, the planning, the pushing, the drive, the motivation, it doesn't work, and goddamn has that hurt me more than almost anyone will ever know the last few months.

It doesn't matter what it's about. It could be about my novel that I'm trying to finish and publish. It could be my photography, trying to set up shoots with girls to gain some experience, to improve on my skills, to learn and get better and better so I can EVENTUALLY make some money and make some awesome art in the process. It could be a lot of things, but almost always, it fails. I just don't know how much more I can push for the things that I want, asking for favors, contacting people, trying to schedule things, all for it to be pointless in the end when nothing works out. Okay, not NOTHING, but damn close. Almost the ONLY things that actually do work out are the things that OTHER people, like my friend Matt does, and schedules, and includes me in on it. THOSE seem to work, every now and then, but just me? Me alone? Nope, failure, and goddamn, that both pisses me off and makes me SO depressed.

I thought for years that my ONLY problem was that I was too shy, I didn't try enough, I didn't push hard enough for what I want, but this year, I've pushed and strived and worked harder than I think I EVER have in my life, and I have so little to show for it. Personally, I'm growing, and that's fantastic, but I've had a MILLION failures across the board of things I've pushed for, and only a few successes, and even those were small, usually, and few and far between. Most of the failures are just people contacting me back in the first place to allow ANYTHING to happen at all, cuz no matter how much I write, or how little, how nice I am, how direct I am, angry, forceful, patient, understanding, 99.213% of the time, people get my messages, read them, and then NEVER fucking bother to write back. What the flying fuck? If I was a complete stranger, sure, I could imagine not getting a response back, but I'M THEIR FRIEND! MY OWN FRIENDS DON'T CONTACT ME BACK ABOUT SUPER IMPORTANT SHIT IN MY LIFE!!! How the FUCK is that even possible?

I'm not gonna rant (at least not any further) even though I could without ANY effort, but I will end things with my original point. Too often in my life I keep getting those "would-have-beens" and almost NO "was's" and I'm really curious if things will ever change. If they do, what goddamn point do I have to reach when they DO change and when things ACTUALLY start to get better for me in my life? I really, REALLY wanna know, cuz I've been hitting a brick wall for months now and I'm not sure whether I have the effort to EXPLODE with fury to everyone and everything, or just give up, falling to the ground, tears in my eyes as I completely give up and never have the effort to try again. I really, really don't know... :(

My Waiting

I'll constantly be waiting for you, forever. The neverending wait. Waiting for the girl that will never come. I'll grow old waiting for you. Waiting, and waiting, and waiting. Waiting for this "perfect girl" that everyone's been telling me about for years, promising me that someday I'll meet her and be happy. That I deserve her. I deserve to be happy. Well, it's been a long time. A LONG fucking time, and nothing. Fucking nothing. So maybe I don't deserve it. Maybe everyone was wrong. Maybe they THOUGHT I deserved the "perfect girl" or hell, ANY girl, any girl that'd like me, not hurt me, not fuck me over like all the rest have, but they were wrong. Dead wrong. Maybe I fucked up along the way, became a bad person who wasn't deserving of happiness. Only deserving lonelyness, sadness, depression. Am I a bad guy now? Please, answer that for me, cuz I don't know anymore...

I'm tired of waiting. Tired of caring. Tired of hoping. Tired of wishing. Tired of thinking. Tired of feeling. Tired of dreaming. Tired of so much. Without even trying in the first place, I now choose to give up. To just "move along" and go about my life with no thoughts of someone liking me, wanting to be with me, wanting to be around me, spend time with me, care about me, even... love me. No. Just gotta go on alone, alone like I've always been, and seemingly, like I'll always be...

Alone. Forever. Thanks.

*****

Going back through some of the old things I've written, mostly just rants about my thoughts and feelings, it's interesting, but MOSTLY depressing. I have file after file after file of depressing things I've written about things throughout the last few years. Mostly about one girl in particular, but other shit as well. All of it is bad. I don't really think I have one SINGLE file with something I wrote when I was happy, and I think that's very telling about me as a person. Sure, people tend to "wash over" their good days and "hold on" to their bad days, but seriously. Dozens and dozens, maybe HUNDREDS of things I've written and saved, and they're ALL negative? That's pretty bad, and yes, repetitive as fuck, which shows that no matter how things change, and they have, somehow, and for SOME fucking reason, they all tend to stay the same.

Since I'm exhausted, I'm not gonna ramble on anymore, but let's just say that today, I had some VERY good news, stuff that shocked the shit out of me in a GREAT way, but the results of that were not so great. Lots of worry, anticipation (and the bad kind) and just a "bad feeling" that shit was gonna go wrong, and while some did, I think more is coming. I HOPE not, but sadly, my gut feelings are PRETTY accurate. Either way, things should be good for people OTHER than myself, but me, personally? Yeah, not necessarily so great cuz I'm STILL waiting (just like the thing I wrote like a year and a half ago that I posted above). Both waiting on some MAGICKAL girl to appear in my life and FIX ME, but also waiting on too many fucking people to contact me back so I can make opportunities to do good things, productive things, and in the process, make MYSELF happy and feel good again, as I've generally felt like shit for a long, LONG time now.

We'll see what happens, huh? Bleh...

My Birthday

Let's just say I'm really tired so I'm not gonna "go off" as usual. Probably gonna keep this short and sweet, even though I want ALL of my blogs to have "substance" and "meaning". I'll probably just say I had a good birthday, even though I feared that turning 25 would make me upset, knowing that I've had SO little experience in my life by this point. I still don't feel GREAT about that, but I think, for ONCE, I'm gonna look on the bright side and just say that it's good I'm gonna deal with things now that I'm older and ready, rather than dealing with them when I was younger and NOT. Plus while I still have a BUNCH of new things to discover, many people at my age don't, and are more ready to get married, "settle down" and have families and shit, while I'm JUST really getting started with the rest of my life and I'm far, FAR off from what most mid-20s people are thinking about. So really, again, looking on the bright side, and that's good, no, VERY good for me.

Besides that, I was glad to hear from so many of my friends, new and old, wishing me a happy birthday. I had a few surprises, both good and bad, but all in all, a good day. Things are still slowly rolling along, which is VERY fucking good news, and I'm changing, growing, maturing, which is making me be more pushy to get what I both want and DESERVE. In time, I hope to be super confident about myself and my abilities and push relentlessly for the things I want, need, and deserve WITHOUT feeling guilty or strange about it. In time, I'm sure I'll eventually get to that point, but for now, I'm just gonna do my best, as always, and... hopefully things work out. If they don't, I can always lash out some more rather than burying myself into a hole of massive depression. We shall see...

Anything else? Probably not. I got some good stuff coming up, so I'm just gonna hope for the best. With a few more shoots under my belt, HOPEFULLY getting myself a kickass camera of my own, and a few other good things (which hopefully can earn me some CASH!!!) then things should REALLY be looking up and MAY end up better than I was BEFORE everything went to shit, and REALLY hopefully better than I've ever been in my life. *crosses fingers*

My Failures

Every single year, whenever the weather changes from generally "warm" to generally "cold" such as spring and fall, mostly around April and October, I almost always get bad allergy crap. Today was the first day of that, I believe, unless I'm getting sick, which I PRAY I'm not, as this is the night before my birthday, and being sick on my birthday would suck, ESPECIALLY on top of all the bullshit lately.

I don't ever recall being "sick" on my birthday, so that's good, but unfortunately, maybe my "good luck" (me? good luck? HA!) has run out. If so, whatever, I can always do shit another day, as nothing is "set in stone" but it'll still suck in principle. I'm just hoping it's plain-old allergy crap so I'll just have to blow my nose a few times for a few days and be "okay" in no time.

I'm obviously discussing this, my nose problem that I've been dealing with today, cuz I... don't know what else to write about. Been a pretty normal day, aka boring and PRETTY much pointless, as almost nothing "constructive" took place, which is what I usually do anymore. I wanted to write some cool story-thing about a "sickness" but maybe I can do that later, as I don't really feel like it right now. I just know that I gotta keep my streak going and I'm not gonna skip a day cuz "I don't feel good." I'm good enough to type, so I'm good enough to blog.

Hopefully tomorrow's a fun day, as it'll be the first day in a long, LONG time where I honestly don't give a shit about spending any money. If I'm gonna have a day where I have fun and spend a little money to do so, then my birthday it is, so I really don't care. I've been miserable and not doing ANYTHING lately, so I deserve this, aka "fuck it".

Other than my nose problems today, I'm feeling my little bit of "drive" lately slipping away, back to "normalcy". LOTS of waiting on LOTS of things that aren't anywhere near "concrete" so yeah, it sucks ass. I just fucking HATE when I try to so something, and it fails. I barely ever "try" so when I do, why the FUCK does it have to FAIL 99% of the time, and it's not even MY fucking fault! I call someone, and they don't pick up the phone. I message someone, and they read it, but never bother to message me back, even when I ask for something SPECIFIC that I need to be answered. Someone sets something up with me, and then cancels, or "something comes up" or "they're busy" or whatever else. Either way, almost no matter what I do, things seem to fail, and it bothers me most that it isn't MY failure, but all because of someone else.

Now, this is the point where I theoretically should go "well, fuck people then, they're unreliable, they let me down, so don't depend on them" but in this world, you MUST rely on people! That's the whole goddamn point! If everyone could live on their COMPLETE own, there would be no reason for families, for friends, for bosses, co-workers, lovers, or anything else. Relationships in general would be pointless.

Human beings thrive, I believe, because we rely on one another to help us in ways that we can't do on our own. You can't teach yourself to be a good person. Your family raises you to do that. You can't comfort yourself when you're feeling down. That's what friends are for. You can't give yourself a job and pay yourself for everything you need. That's what bosses are for. You can't do ALL portions of your job completely by yourself, and that's what co-workers are for. And you can't have sex with yourself (well, not REAL sex, anyway) so that's where lovers come in. There are a MILLION different relationships in this world, and they are all important in their own ways, which is why I, like EVERYBODY, MUST rely on others for many, many things. And that is why, as usual, I'm fucked.

I'm not exactly sure why, or what it is about me, but apparently I'm not important enough, or people don't care enough, or people are too "busy" ALL the fucking time, or SOMETHING, but people don't bother to help me out the VAST majority of the time. I try, and try, and try, I put myself out there, I contact people, I leave messages, call every now and then, and I get only the TINIEST percentage of effort returned. I just don't understand how someone can get an important message from someone, ESPECIALLY someone they care about, like a friend or whatever, and not even bother to respond back, like... at all. They read it, and then for SOME reason, they just never bother to contact the person back.

Maybe it's just me, but either way, it drives me FUCKING INSANE. That is SO shitty and after I BARELY ever put out the effort to contact people, when I FINALLY fucking do, they DON'T BOTHER RESPONDING BACK? SERIOUSLY? When it takes a couple minutes TOPS to write back and answer some simple fucking questions or issues or whatever, WHY THE FUCK NOT? I'm not asking for a goddamn "article" or "novel" back, just a minute or two of their PRECIOUS time to respond back about shit that's important enough for me to go OUT OF MY WAY to contact them about. I just don't get it...

And wow, that went off on a rant. Good times. This probably won't be the LAST time I bitch about being ignored, but I certainly fucking hope it is, cuz I'm not sure how much more I can take. :(

My Realization

Well, it wasn't quite ME who originally came up with this realization, but it's very valid no less. I kinda already knew, deep down, I think, but not until I heard SOMEONE ELSE say it did I realize how true it was.

I am a student. School is where I succeed, excel, and most of all, belong. Years back, I was discussing school with my grandma when she asked if I missed it. Thinking about it only for a moment, I agreed I did, and today, hearing that ever since I finished school two years ago I've been lost and directionless, I realized that was totally true.

I've always been good in school. I get good grades, I pay attention damn well, and I've aced more tests than I can count. I've almost ALWAYS been the best student in all my classes, unless I either didn't care about the subject, or someone else was an ass kisser or OVERDID it. I've always been known as the smart kid, the one who does best on the tests, who doesn't have to study very much to ace all the exams and I do all my homework PRETTY easily and with little effort, minus all the time it took. I've just always been good in school.

The problem is, when I got OUT of school, while MOST people generally AREN'T so good at school, but then excel OUTSIDE of it, I was pretty much fucked after my final graduation two years back. I never learned how to really go out there and GET that job I worked my butt off, so to speak, and learned all that crap in school for. It was like my focus was the learning and the schooling, rather than what happens AFTER school is over. I wasn't working hard for some end goal, really, but enjoying the learning process along the way. Now I'm a student, out of school, so out of the environment where I excel, so yeah, bad times.

When I graduated, I wasn't really happy, I now remember. It sucked losing all my new friends, those I'd spent the last two years with, and it sucked the graduation before THAT one too, losing all of THOSE friends I'd spent the previous two years with. I was at ITT for four years, and I really, REALLY enjoyed my time there, even though the schooling generally sucked, minus a few awesome teachers who went above and beyond what the books told them to teach us and actually gave us real-world knowledge, cuz the entire experience was just so... easy and felt like it was meant to be.

Through high school, I never had any REAL goals for what I was gonna do after I graduated, but when they built an ITT Tech just down the road from my house, it was just... perfect. I was the first student to sign up, from what I recall, and I was pretty much the BEST damn student they had for their first four years. I watched the school grow from like two sets of students into MANY students, along with the building itself growing, and since then, has grown even further. Anyway, I learned a lot, and enjoyed my time there, but unfortunately, the degrees didn't mean shit and now I'm like $60,000+ into debt thanks to school loans (fuckin' Sallie Mae...) Awesome. Just awesome...

I don't think I would have done anything any differently had I known anyway, cuz I did enjoy it, met some good people, one of which I still work with now as we're both busting our asses every single fucking day to make ourselves successful and HOPEFULLY earn a bunch of cash in the process, to both pay off our loans and fulfill some other interests along the way.

So yeah, I'm a student at heart, I guess, so now being in the "real world" and ALSO having the economy suck fucking ass, especially here in shitty Michigan, things suck. I do miss school, I realize, and badly, and if I could go back, I probably would. I just love the entire experience of school, no matter how hard the classes, whatever the content we're learning, or whatever. School is fun, and most of all, it was one of the ONLY places where I had regular positive attention, both in my grades, my hard work, and just being smart in general.

Nowadays, seemingly no matter WHAT I do, no matter how hard I bust my ass, almost no one seems to care. It can be my writing, my photography, or anything else, really, and people just don't give a fuck, and that's sad. Really, REALLY sad. I'm now in the "real world" and apparently in the "real world" people just don't care.

That's enough for today. Time to read and forget about the "real world" for a while, cuz yeah, it sucks.