My Mourning

What happens when a relationship is dead? When all the feelings are gone? I had been looking forward to this point for a long, long time, and now, just seeing her again, I realized it was dead. All those lingering feelings were completely dead, and it was odd. It was strange, and awkward, and even a bit uncomfortable, and it shouldn't have been. I'm just wondering if the "relationship", that specialness, the way we were with each other was only because I had feelings to begin with. Like maybe that "something" between us was only there because I liked her, and now that I don't, now that I'll barely ever see her again, especially not regularly, it's gone. Maybe it never truly existed at all.

In a way, it made me miss the old times. Like, even with all the bullshit, the problems, the arguments and such, maybe I'd gladly LEAP back to that and forget about all the bad stuff and enjoy that "something" again. They say that hindsight is 20/20, but maybe it's not. Why is it that SO many times ex's get back together cuz they both miss what they had, then soon realize why they did, cuz there were LEGIT problems? I wonder why the human brain has the tendency to smooth other things in the past. To make problems no big deal, not of real consequence, and sadly, even to make good times, good memories not as great as they were in the moment. It sadly makes us all miss things before, in the past, "back in the day", when things were simpler and easier and better, when maybe... they weren't.

Either way, today made me feel strange. I thought I'd feel one way when I saw her, but I really didn't. It was like that "fire" was gone. She was just another person, and that kinda made me sad. That specialness between us was gone, likely never to return, and I can only mourn what we once had, if we had anything at all, that is... :(

My Quotes

She couldn't look into his eyes anymore as she lowered her head in sadness and uttered, "People always leave..."

*****

"I'm different from when I left. I'm no longer the shy, reserved, little wuss that wasn't man enough for you. Now I'm older, wiser, more mature, and stronger. I am much stronger. I can be the man you need now, I promise."

*****

"Why won't you love me?"
"I do..."
"No you don't. Quit lying to me. Quit with your fucking lying. You don't need to 'protect' me anymore. Just be honest with me and tell me how you REALLY feel."
"I'm not protecting you..."
"BULLSHIT! You know me better than anyone ever has before and even YOU don't love me! What is wrong with me? Just tell me what's wrong with me and I'll change. I promise, I'll change. Just love me, please..."

*****

"Why can't you just be happy?"
"I just can't!"
"Why do you always have to sabotage your happiness when you find even a TINY bit of it?"
"I don't know! I'm just fucked up!"

*****

"I'm fucking done..."

*****

"I'm tired of you. Go away. Leave me alone."

*****

"Stop fucking with me!"

*****

"I've been dreaming about this for so long. You have no idea. I just never thought that I'd be dancing with you..."

*****

"You have to stop running away from your problems from now on, and face them head-on. That is the ONLY way that you'll EVER have a chance to be happy."
"I'm afraid..."
"I know, but just remember that I'll always be here to help you. I promise."

*****

"Why bother spending time with her or trying to make her happy? She'll never love me anyway..."

*****

"Even if it makes me 'happy' in the moment, it's just giving me false hope in the end."

*****

"You seem more... outgoing."

*****

"We're not meant to be..."

My Something

I really don't know what to write about tonight. I seem to have this problem MOST nights, but it's 7:09am right now, I should ALREADY be reading or sleeping, but no, time has passed and I'm still sitting here trying to figure out what to write for tonight. I'm NOT gonna break my streak and just "not write anything tonight" cuz then I'll probably give up completely and fail myself again. No, even if I don't have anything deep or interesting or great to write about, I'll just kinda write whatever pops into my head.

Last night I was sad, but tonight, I'm just kinda... here. Not angry, not upset, not depressed, exactly, but just here. I'm tired, which is to be expected being so late at night, or ACTUALLY in the morning, and I gotta be up "early" tomorrow for my first meeting with a therapist. I'm not sure if it'll actually do any good, but I'm willing to try anyway. I've talked about MOST of my issues, at length, with a few people, but things don't seem to change. Actually, they do a bit, but only get worse. The good things fade away, the shitty things get even more shitty, and new bad things pop up ALL over the place like... well, whatever pops up and is bad. Sure, I have made some GREAT personal strides in the last six months or so, basically since the beginning of the year, but with all the personal growth has come a LOT of pain, both mental and physical, and even "spiritual" as well. Growing pains, maybe, but either way, hurts like a bitch.

Random thought/realization from the other day, actually: My glasses are old. I havent had NEW glasses in at LEAST three years, if not four. My insurance ran out in mid-2006 when I graduated for the second time from ITT, and I know I hadn't gotten new glasses before that for maybe a year, if not two. These are good, and it's not like my vision's worse so I NEED new ones in order to function, but they're all scratched up, which I can clearly tell cuz no matter HOW much I clean them, they're not fully "clean". Anyway, just a random thought as I cleaned them AGAIN tonight and they're... irritating.

I finally shaved up earlier. I'd been "letting myself go" cuz it doesn't matter anyway, as I have no one to impress whatsoever. I'd NEARLY reached "hobo beard" level again, but just thougth "fuck it" tonight and took maybe a half hour to shave up, and trim down my beard to a neat, non-hobo level. Now I look good again, even with nasty, too long-ish hair. I could use a haircut, duh, but I'll probably let that go until it drives me COMPLETELY insane or my parents insist. I've always wanted "long" hair, but getting from "usual" to "long" seems like a bitch, and I'm not sure if waiting all that time and dealing with all the bullshit that comes with growing out my hair would be worth it. Maybe, maybe not, but I guess we'll see, like MOST shit in my life.

After my few days of "fun" from my birthday, things are back to normal, it seems, CONSTANTLY waiting for things to get rolling, and I'm realizing how time is wasting away again. When you can look back on your day and summarize it into like two or three things you did ALL day that aren't either making money or having a TON of fun, then yeah, it was pointless and a waste. Watching episodes of a TV show online, beating a video game, and working on a personal project that will PROBABLY never do anything except entertain myself while I work hard on it, which even that I'm barely doing that much anymore, THAT is definitely a waste of a day. I THINK I was supposed to do a shoot today, but with the girl not contacting me, me not being in the mood, and the weather outside (when is weather ever INSIDE?) getting colder by the day, aka LESS good for shooting for long periods of time, it just didn't work out, I guess. Maybe another day, as I still want to, but I think it needs more planning first before it all works out as it should.

Wow, this blog ended up a BIT longer than I'd assumed just rambling on and on about whatever came to my head. Oh, and earlier, seeing just ONE new photo of my former "crush" gave me some bad feelings inside, lingering shit, so APPARENTLY I'm not FULLY over her. But hey, who could blame me? I haven't ACTUALLY been "into" a girl since the last MAJOR one, and that was years ago. I've just had too much of my own personal shit going on, and been home WAY too much to "meet" anyone knew, so now that I did, or THOUGHT I did before it all vanished... anyway, yeah, it shouldn't be surprising that I can't just let ALL those feelings go ASAP. I'm trying, cuz while the original cutesy, hopeful, and "happy" feelings feel SO great at first, in time, I just end up letting myself down again, hopelessly, and then feel even worse than when I started. I know you TYPICALLY can't control who you like, or how you feel about people, but still, crushes are bad for me cuz the feelings are NEVER, EVER returned. Poor, poor me, I know.

Enough for today. I got some reading to do, then getting up "early" for my first therapist meeting. I'm definitely curious what's gonna happen, and maybe if I'll be seeing him regularly to discuss my "issues". MOST of all, I'm REALLY wondering if it'll even make a difference, cuz I've done a lot of discussing so far, with various people, getting SOME advice from those who listen, and I've tried my ass off, grown as a person, and am striving for the things I really want, but it's almost nothing but failure after failure after failure and either things don't change at all, or get even worse. Bleh diddy bleh bleh blehhhhh... And boy, do I wish I could just break down, cry my eyes out, and get it over with, cuz I'm sure I'd feel better, at least for a little bit. :(