My Waiting

I'll constantly be waiting for you, forever. The neverending wait. Waiting for the girl that will never come. I'll grow old waiting for you. Waiting, and waiting, and waiting. Waiting for this "perfect girl" that everyone's been telling me about for years, promising me that someday I'll meet her and be happy. That I deserve her. I deserve to be happy. Well, it's been a long time. A LONG fucking time, and nothing. Fucking nothing. So maybe I don't deserve it. Maybe everyone was wrong. Maybe they THOUGHT I deserved the "perfect girl" or hell, ANY girl, any girl that'd like me, not hurt me, not fuck me over like all the rest have, but they were wrong. Dead wrong. Maybe I fucked up along the way, became a bad person who wasn't deserving of happiness. Only deserving lonelyness, sadness, depression. Am I a bad guy now? Please, answer that for me, cuz I don't know anymore...

I'm tired of waiting. Tired of caring. Tired of hoping. Tired of wishing. Tired of thinking. Tired of feeling. Tired of dreaming. Tired of so much. Without even trying in the first place, I now choose to give up. To just "move along" and go about my life with no thoughts of someone liking me, wanting to be with me, wanting to be around me, spend time with me, care about me, even... love me. No. Just gotta go on alone, alone like I've always been, and seemingly, like I'll always be...

Alone. Forever. Thanks.

*****

Going back through some of the old things I've written, mostly just rants about my thoughts and feelings, it's interesting, but MOSTLY depressing. I have file after file after file of depressing things I've written about things throughout the last few years. Mostly about one girl in particular, but other shit as well. All of it is bad. I don't really think I have one SINGLE file with something I wrote when I was happy, and I think that's very telling about me as a person. Sure, people tend to "wash over" their good days and "hold on" to their bad days, but seriously. Dozens and dozens, maybe HUNDREDS of things I've written and saved, and they're ALL negative? That's pretty bad, and yes, repetitive as fuck, which shows that no matter how things change, and they have, somehow, and for SOME fucking reason, they all tend to stay the same.

Since I'm exhausted, I'm not gonna ramble on anymore, but let's just say that today, I had some VERY good news, stuff that shocked the shit out of me in a GREAT way, but the results of that were not so great. Lots of worry, anticipation (and the bad kind) and just a "bad feeling" that shit was gonna go wrong, and while some did, I think more is coming. I HOPE not, but sadly, my gut feelings are PRETTY accurate. Either way, things should be good for people OTHER than myself, but me, personally? Yeah, not necessarily so great cuz I'm STILL waiting (just like the thing I wrote like a year and a half ago that I posted above). Both waiting on some MAGICKAL girl to appear in my life and FIX ME, but also waiting on too many fucking people to contact me back so I can make opportunities to do good things, productive things, and in the process, make MYSELF happy and feel good again, as I've generally felt like shit for a long, LONG time now.

We'll see what happens, huh? Bleh...