Haunting Dream

Whenever I rarely dream of my best friend, who passed away over five and a half years ago, it always tends to be placed in a reality where I still think he is alive. Things are well. Things are absolutely normal, but deep-down, in the back of mind, I know the truth. I know that he is no longer alive. It eats at me, that fact, until I realize it. Until it comes to me, at the forefront of my consciousness, and I can deny it no longer.

A couple times where I dreamed of that type of situation, where we were hanging out, like old times, and suddenly I realized he was "alive again" I was so relieved. So very, very happy. I cried. I happily cried to see my friend again. He looked at me as if he was puzzled for my impromptu reaction. But I was so happy to see him, even if it was only for a brief time.

And then I would wake, and reality would hit me once more. I would yet again come to the realization that I am in the world Post-Wiseman. He is gone, and I am forever changed.

But last night was different. Last night, my dream was similar to reality, but... still different. Still strange. Still slightly off-the-mark, like most dreams tend to be. I don't recall my location, my surroundings, or anything else. All I remember was her: His sister. The girl I thought I shared a great, close relationship with. But the relationship, whether it existed or not, didn't matter. All that mattered was the person we both cared about so much. The person we both so badly missed. The person who left a small hole us when he left this world.

The details are a bit foggy, being nearly a full day after the fact, but I do remember the tears in her eyes. I remember the tears in mine as well. And I took her into my arms. We sat together, thinking of him, and we cried. It felt so real, and sadly, I believe that only in my dream could something so tragic, so sad, but so... "touching" in a way could ever really happen. That was something straight out of a movie, I only realize now. Things like that don't happen in the real world. Reality is never so... moving. At least never for me.

But anyway, I'll never forget my best friend. Never, ever, ever. I just wish that I had more dreams where he was still alive and I realized, and cherished the minutes we had together, rather than where I can't even escape the shitty reality I'm stuck in so miserably.

Later, Wiseman. *thumbs up*

My Neverending Spiral

A year. That's how long it's been since I've posted in this blog. Give or take. So what has changed in the last year of my life? Not much. And what HAS changed has gotten undeniably worse. Not only are bad things happening to me, but now it seems my curse is spreading to those around me. My family, a friend, and I wouldn't doubt others, even. Things are worse right now than I can ever remember them being. It feels like there's a ticking clock, slowly counting down to bad, bad things. Even worse than now, and there's nothing I can do. Everything I've tried has failed. Every single attempt, completely pointless. Meaningless, and a waste of effort, of which I no longer have much. I'm just tired, and almost all my hope for the future has washed away. Right down the drain. Right along with all that "potential" I used to have.

I just feel so shitty. I tried to cheer myself up with a little chocolate treat, but all it's done is leave me with a disgusting feeling in my stomach and hating myself for even eating it in the first place. That's how most of my life feels like anymore. Sure, I may get tiny moments of enjoyment, distraction from this shitty, often uncaring world, but in the end, I feel miserable again and hate myself for even bothering. I just don't see the point. Sure, I got out once in a while, like tonight. Watched a VERY disappointing PPV with all my "friends", but in the end, here I am. Here I sit, miserable as always. If not worse.

I've realized how as the further I fall into the black hole that is my life, the more my mind is reaching, reaching back for even the TINIEST things from my past, whether they were good things or not. Reaching back for people, even girls who have ultimately shunned me, hurt me, and left me worse after all was said and done. Girls who broke my heart, and I THOUGHT I was over years ago. For some reason, in my sadness, in all this loneliness, I find myself thinking of them. And I hate it. And most of all, I hate myself for even bothering.

Why care about a few bitches in my past who treated me like shit in their various, uncaring and selfish ways? Why even CONSIDER the idea of trying to reach out to them again after so long? What are they gonna do for me? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, that's for sure. They will only hurt me, and my memories of the pain they caused me is the primary reason I'm not trying. I think of it often, but I'm doing nothing but thinking. I know they will hurt me again, and I know how afterward, I will be left an even more pathetic pile of nothing than I am even now, as we speak.

But still, I think of them, even if I'm SURE they're never thinking of me. It's never "Hey, I wonder how Marshall's doing?" or "I haven't heard from Marsh in a long time." or anything similar. No, I'm sure my name hasn't crossed their minds in a long, long time. I'm nothing to them. I never was, and never will be. But still, knowing that, I think of them, my shattered, darkened heart desperate for ANYTHING to make me feel even a SHRED better for a single moment. Even just a kind response by text, or a quick conversation in person, anything would theoretically bring me out of my darkness for a SPLIT second. But no. That's so unlikely. They don't care about me. No matter how much I may have cared for them, they do NOT care about me in the slightest.

I hate myself for how far I've fallen. And I hate the world for not realizing my fall, or even that I'm not "fine" at all. Nobody asks. Nobody seems to care. I've heard they do "care", or "they're trying" even if they've done NOTHING different in the last few years than ever before. "They just don't know what to do," they tell me. "They don't know how to help you." Bleh. Bleh, bleh, bleh.

And I'd like to know how a certain someone can be "trying" with me when they've done NOTHING AT ALL. NOTHING. Not ONE fucking thing. No phone calls, no text messages, no emails, NOTHING at all. Even in my presence, the bitch didn't do a GODDAMN thing. Just talked quietly with someone else about me, wondering why I was being all quiet and distant.

I honestly don't know exactly WHY I acted that way, or even why I did something similar today, practically unable to look the girl straight in the face, but that's how it was. I'm awkward. I'm uncomfortable with them. Maybe it's lingering feelings, or the discomfort of being in their vicinity, or simply my shyness from my earlier years coming back. I don't know, but I DO know that I've been distant from both girls on a couple of occasions, and I... I don't know. I can't explain why. I just know I feel shitty, and these girls, girls I've had feelings for in the past, maybe still do, are doing something to me, affecting me in ways I cannot explain. I'm not a bad guy for those actions. I'm just still a shy little boy without ANY experience with a female to speak of. So fuck you if you don't like it, because it's not like I'm doing it purposely. Try stepping in my shoes for ONE fucking day and tell me you'd do anything ANY differently.

:(

My Mourning

What happens when a relationship is dead? When all the feelings are gone? I had been looking forward to this point for a long, long time, and now, just seeing her again, I realized it was dead. All those lingering feelings were completely dead, and it was odd. It was strange, and awkward, and even a bit uncomfortable, and it shouldn't have been. I'm just wondering if the "relationship", that specialness, the way we were with each other was only because I had feelings to begin with. Like maybe that "something" between us was only there because I liked her, and now that I don't, now that I'll barely ever see her again, especially not regularly, it's gone. Maybe it never truly existed at all.

In a way, it made me miss the old times. Like, even with all the bullshit, the problems, the arguments and such, maybe I'd gladly LEAP back to that and forget about all the bad stuff and enjoy that "something" again. They say that hindsight is 20/20, but maybe it's not. Why is it that SO many times ex's get back together cuz they both miss what they had, then soon realize why they did, cuz there were LEGIT problems? I wonder why the human brain has the tendency to smooth other things in the past. To make problems no big deal, not of real consequence, and sadly, even to make good times, good memories not as great as they were in the moment. It sadly makes us all miss things before, in the past, "back in the day", when things were simpler and easier and better, when maybe... they weren't.

Either way, today made me feel strange. I thought I'd feel one way when I saw her, but I really didn't. It was like that "fire" was gone. She was just another person, and that kinda made me sad. That specialness between us was gone, likely never to return, and I can only mourn what we once had, if we had anything at all, that is... :(

My Self-Hatred & Another Dream

I like myself, at least some aspects, but deep down, I don't think I like myself very much. I not only have some body issues and often times dislike my appearance, but I also hate all the weak parts of myself that mask and hold down the GREAT parts of me that EVERYONE should see and love. And like they say, if I don't like myself, how can I EVER expect some sweet, caring, and wonderful girl to EVER like me either? Hell, ANY girl? Meanwhile, in order for me to like myself, I think I NEED a girl to care about me, so I can see my own self-worth through their eyes, so to speak, so therefore it's a huge fucking Catch-22, aka I'm eternally fucked.

I feel like shit tonight. I had a really sad, yet wonderful (at the end) dream last night, and forgot about it all day, until just earlier. I was thinking it over in my head and it brought tears to my eyes, realizing how sad it was, and how fantastically happy I felt at the end of it. And most of all, how TOTALLY unhappy I am in real life, and the growing fear that I'll never be that happy, no matter how long I live.

Basically, there's this girl. I really like her, like in a way I've NEVER liked a girl before. Usually they're really pretty, or nice to me, caring, or I feel like they know me and still don't SHUN me, or something, but this girl... She's just something else. She's so unique, and crazy, and goofy, and funny, and just awesome. I think we meshed really well what little bit we did spend time together, but as of late, I've barely seen her. I've been doing my best to try to spend time with her, to even see her AT ALL, but like almost all things in my life, it's ended in utter failure, over and over and over. So, back to the dream...

I'm in some building with lots of doors, some in front leading to the outside, and many inside, going all over the place. It's not supposed to feel like a maze, but to me, it is. I'm constantly going through door after door, searching for this girl. Every single time it seems I'm about to FINALLY catch her, she gets away again. I call out her name, asking for her to stop, to just talk to me for a minute, cuz I miss her, I want to look into her eyes, just see her for a moment. I follow her throughout the building, door after door after door, and each time I get close, she slips away again. The building is empty, but for some reason, I just can't catch her, but I keep trying. I do NOT give up, even though I'm tired, depressed, and nearly crying from frustration and sadness of not being able to see her.

I follow and follow and follow, and finally, I see her go through the front doors. I BURST out after her, and FINALLY catch her. I grab her by the arm, turning her towards me and stare deeply into her eyes. I see her smile, which draws a smile from me as well. I tell her how glad I am to finally see her, to talk to her, cuz she's been gone so long. I say how much I've missed her, and simply reach out to hug her. I wrap my arms around her back, holding her tightly, and feel her arms go around me. We hold each other tightly, and the hug, the embrace, it seems to go on forever. It's like time is frozen around us, and I simply look down at her, gazing into her eyes, and both of us are nothing but happy. I FINALLY feel happy, finally, as I can't even think of what to tell her now, and then... I wake up.

It was a wonderful dream that didn't really affect me earlier, just after I got up, but earlier, and now, it's just... so touching. I didn't realize I liked that girl as much as I apparently do, but nonetheless, I gotta let her go. She's just too good for me, too awesome, too out of my reach, literally and metaphorically, and will forever be, so all I can do is wish her the best and move on, trying to forget about her the best I can. I wish she could know how highly I think of her, but I doubt she ever will. I also hope she's happy no matter where she is or what she does, cuz she's just a great person, and I'm not sure I'll ever meet a girl like her ever again.

So to her, I say goodbye.

My Dream

All he wanted to do was hold her. He wanted to touch her, to stare into her eyes, to know that she loved him as much as he loved her. He wanted... no, needed to know that. He needed her, and needed to know that she needed him too.

He wanted to walk down the street and feel her hand reaching for his, holding hands together so happily as they walked along. He wanted to sit together, her lying against his chest, feeling her heart beating in tune with his own. He wanted to lay in bed, his arms wrapped around her, the sweet scent of her hair filling him with happiness. He wanted to see how comfortable she was with him, how much she trusted him, felt safe with him, and knew that everything would be all right as long as she was there with him.

He wanted to be the first thing she thought of when she woke in the morning, and the last thing she thought about when she went to bed at night. He wanted to know that she was always happy with him, always felt better when she was with him, and he could always cheer her up when she was down. He wanted her to see how beautiful she was through his eyes, and know that he would always love her.

He wanted so much from her, so much for her, but... deep down, feared that he'd never be anything at all to her. He feared he was nothing to the girl that he cared about more than anything, and a tear ran down his cheek as he lowered his head in sadness.

My Fear

I'm afraid. Afraid that by slipping further and further into the black hole, the abyss known as my depression and misery, that maybe I won't be able to return from it. Maybe I could just go too far into that sadness and never be able to be my "old self" again. Maybe I'll never be able to be happy ever again...

Everything just seems so bleak, so hopeless, so dark, and uncaring. I keep hitting new lows, over and over, and I'm just not sure how far down I'll go before things get better, or... maybe I slip away completely. I'm afraid that by becoming TOO depressed, I won't appreciate anything anymore, and nothing will satisfy me. Even if good things happen, I'm so afraid that I won't notice, or won't care, cuz I'm just so fucking miserable. Maybe I'll meet a cute, sweet, and AMAZING girl that will make me happier than I've ever been, but I'll be so consumed with everything, my misery, my anger, frustration, all of that, and maybe I'll pass her by. I won't even notice her, and not be myself, therefore she won't notice me and I'll be doomed to be single and lonely for the rest of my life.

I keep trying to be happy, to appreciate things, to look forward to stuff, to have hope in the future, but things almost always fail me, let me down, and leave me worse than when I started. Project after project, idea after idea, plan after plan get ruined, or cancelled, or forgotten, and I'm just not sure how much more I can do with so little hope and effort left inside of me. It's difficult for me to try normally, but then add on TOP of all that my horrible mood the last few months and I can barely do shit, let alone things that are outside my comfort zone, which is sadly many, MANY things.

What's gonna save me? Someone? Something? Some WONDERFUL girl to FINALLY make me confident in myself? Some awesome opportunity where I can make some money doing something I really enjoy? Finally publishing my book? Having people FINALLY help me? Doing a ton more shoots? Getting some appreciation? People caring about me? Will ANYTHING be able to save me from all of this misery? This depression? The hopelessness? I really don't know...

My Quotes

She couldn't look into his eyes anymore as she lowered her head in sadness and uttered, "People always leave..."

*****

"I'm different from when I left. I'm no longer the shy, reserved, little wuss that wasn't man enough for you. Now I'm older, wiser, more mature, and stronger. I am much stronger. I can be the man you need now, I promise."

*****

"Why won't you love me?"
"I do..."
"No you don't. Quit lying to me. Quit with your fucking lying. You don't need to 'protect' me anymore. Just be honest with me and tell me how you REALLY feel."
"I'm not protecting you..."
"BULLSHIT! You know me better than anyone ever has before and even YOU don't love me! What is wrong with me? Just tell me what's wrong with me and I'll change. I promise, I'll change. Just love me, please..."

*****

"Why can't you just be happy?"
"I just can't!"
"Why do you always have to sabotage your happiness when you find even a TINY bit of it?"
"I don't know! I'm just fucked up!"

*****

"I'm fucking done..."

*****

"I'm tired of you. Go away. Leave me alone."

*****

"Stop fucking with me!"

*****

"I've been dreaming about this for so long. You have no idea. I just never thought that I'd be dancing with you..."

*****

"You have to stop running away from your problems from now on, and face them head-on. That is the ONLY way that you'll EVER have a chance to be happy."
"I'm afraid..."
"I know, but just remember that I'll always be here to help you. I promise."

*****

"Why bother spending time with her or trying to make her happy? She'll never love me anyway..."

*****

"Even if it makes me 'happy' in the moment, it's just giving me false hope in the end."

*****

"You seem more... outgoing."

*****

"We're not meant to be..."

My Sadness

I'm feeling sad again. I originally wrote "depressed" but that's more my normal mood, and tonight, I just feel sad. Sad about numerous things, a few sad revelations I discovered today, and drifting back into some old sad things.

Family problems are often the hardest we can deal with, and even though my family's good, probably one of the BEST I know, we obviously have our own. I've just realized today that nobody can fucking compromise, nobody REALLY talks and discusses issues in order to solve them, and even though I'm LITERALLY a goddamn fucking genius, most people don't listen to me. Well, DUH to the last thing, cuz I've known that for a while now, but the first two are new.

Compromise is important in relationships to help things run smoothly and HOPEFULLY keep everyone happy. When people don't talk, don't figure out what each person can deal with in order not to "rock the boat" there are problems, and they keep growing and growing, and horrible things come of it, like people say things they don't mean, and things are just fucking ruined. I TRY to make people discuss, but again, like usual, I'm blown off.

I'm just fucking tired of it, tired of being me for how I'm treated, even though me as a person is FANTASTIC. I want people to STOP treating me the way they do and GODDAMN APPRECIATE ME. Listen to me, pay attention to what I say, especially my advice which is great and balanced and unbiased, and just fucking DO it. But no...

I don't want to be too specific about this next realization, but let's just say that I've discovered that someone I was VERY much into isn't quite as great as I'd originally thought. Again, I've "idealized" someone, when in reality, they're not really... I guess what would be good for me, or what I want, or something. I'm not really sure how to explain it, but there are just some odd things, and... yeah, so good times, now I'm officially crushless again. Better to be alone and "crushless" than "into" someone I have NO hope to ever be with (aka all girls, no matter what), so I guess that's a GOOD thing, right? Better to have no hope than false hope. At least that's what I think.

I'm also sad that I miss someone. We've had a rocky relationship, from barely anything for years to "friends" and then I was HOPING more, but no, it wasn't meant to be, I guess. Either way, then it got bad, we weren't on speaking terms for a while, then back on, then back off again. I've had some of the most fun moments of my life with her, moments where I got to be a normal person, going out, hanging out at places, eating food, going to movies, spending quality time with someone I care about, and just... living. Few things truly make me feel like I'm "living" but spending time with her was one of those things, each and every time. It probably didn't mean much to her, and people doing the same stuff as I did then but ALL the time probably don't appreciate it, but I just loved it. It made me feel so good, so happy, so real, like I was a normal person, doing normal things, and had some girl who ACTUALLY cared about me for ONCE in my sorry excuse for a life. Sure, lots of bad stuff happened AROUND those fun times, but, I think, in the end, it was worth it, and now, she's gone.

She's moved away, and I have no one to spend time with anymore. She was an important part of me, in so many ways that I can't even describe, and for a long time, years and years, but now with her gone... it's just not good. I WAS happy originally, not having to "deal" with her anymore, our issues with each other, but now I truly miss her. I'm sure she'd realize how much I've changed since she last saw me, probably in a few moments, and hopefully make me feel a LITTLE better about myself, and things in general. Anyway, yeah, I miss her, and honestly can't wait to see her again. I'm just hoping, nearly PRAYING that being around her again, I can stop being miserable for a short while, even, and just "live".

I just feel... quiet and sad. And tired, but not for any REAL reason as I got plenty of sleep and didn't do shit today. I barely feel like talking, or chatting, or much of anything, really. I guess my mind's just realizing AGAIN that nothing is moving, no actual movement in my life, and with the family issues that I gotta fucking deal with now, and being "crushless" and FRUSTRATED with no one ever contacting me back to do anything to help me with things I DESPERATELY fucking need... I'm just sad.

Things are bad, I'm sad, and I really don't know what to do again. But it's different, like I'm not angry about it, right this second, but just overall sad. I feel like I could cry my eyes out with just the right thing to "set me off" and... kinda want to, really. I could use a good cry after all I've been through lately. I've already broken down like three times, officially, in the last few months, so I might as well make it four.

I just feel... cold. Chills, up and down my spine. And totally, totally sad. :(