My Insignificance

I feel so insignificant. Like a speck of nothingness, even in the life of the one girl I care about most. She doesn't even realize how much I care about her, how highly I think of her, and I'll bet barely thinks about me at all. She makes me hate myself in how I feel about her, as I care so much about her and she cares so little about me. It's all unbalanced, and like life itself, it's all so unfair. I feel like I'll never be good enough to end up with a wonderful girl like her, and to know you'll never matter to someone who matters to you... It really sucks, and it hurts, and it's always been that way for me. Every single girl I've EVER liked has been the exact same way, then I just end up more miserable and alone in the end.

I think ever since I've been little, and knew what the word meant, deep down, I've always been lonely. I've been told I'm naturally a loner, by myself, spending most of my time alone, and while I love it, I also hate it. I've gone all these years without ANY special someone, even anyone I could say liked me, had a crush on me, had feelings for me, and unless you've experienced that yourself, you will NEVER know how it feels. Sure, some twelve or thirteen year olds out there might understand, but not to THIS point. Not at MY age. It's just pathetic and I don't understand. Nobody does who discovers that horrible fact. Just makes me feel like such a loser as I have nothing while EVERYONE else at least has had SOMETHING in their lives. Maybe not long, LONG relationships, but can at least say ONE person out there thought they were cute, or hot, or attractive, or wanted to spend time with them, get to know them, date them, etc, while I can't. Not in all these years I can't, and... it's just so sad.

I've learned to deal with my loneliness, or at least bury it down, but certain girls come around that just mean something to me. They stand out from the crowd and I really like them. Then, like always, nothing happens. Whether they find out that I like them or not, they never like me back, and likely WOULD NEVER like me back. That's just a horrible feeling, cuz as much as you'd like to be friends, sure, you can never be more. And even in that case, the friend-case, I can't even have that. I can't even be a good friend in their lives, someone they care about, think about, talk about to other people. No, I'm nothing, and I'm afraid I'll always be nothing. I'll always be insignificant, no matter what I do, and I wonder why I deserve everything to be like this... and if it'll ever change... :(

My Fear

I'm afraid. Afraid that by slipping further and further into the black hole, the abyss known as my depression and misery, that maybe I won't be able to return from it. Maybe I could just go too far into that sadness and never be able to be my "old self" again. Maybe I'll never be able to be happy ever again...

Everything just seems so bleak, so hopeless, so dark, and uncaring. I keep hitting new lows, over and over, and I'm just not sure how far down I'll go before things get better, or... maybe I slip away completely. I'm afraid that by becoming TOO depressed, I won't appreciate anything anymore, and nothing will satisfy me. Even if good things happen, I'm so afraid that I won't notice, or won't care, cuz I'm just so fucking miserable. Maybe I'll meet a cute, sweet, and AMAZING girl that will make me happier than I've ever been, but I'll be so consumed with everything, my misery, my anger, frustration, all of that, and maybe I'll pass her by. I won't even notice her, and not be myself, therefore she won't notice me and I'll be doomed to be single and lonely for the rest of my life.

I keep trying to be happy, to appreciate things, to look forward to stuff, to have hope in the future, but things almost always fail me, let me down, and leave me worse than when I started. Project after project, idea after idea, plan after plan get ruined, or cancelled, or forgotten, and I'm just not sure how much more I can do with so little hope and effort left inside of me. It's difficult for me to try normally, but then add on TOP of all that my horrible mood the last few months and I can barely do shit, let alone things that are outside my comfort zone, which is sadly many, MANY things.

What's gonna save me? Someone? Something? Some WONDERFUL girl to FINALLY make me confident in myself? Some awesome opportunity where I can make some money doing something I really enjoy? Finally publishing my book? Having people FINALLY help me? Doing a ton more shoots? Getting some appreciation? People caring about me? Will ANYTHING be able to save me from all of this misery? This depression? The hopelessness? I really don't know...

My Venting

Do I really matter? How much do I mean to people? I mean, I'm not asking if I were dead, or to die, would people care, but seriously, how much do I affect people? Let's say I left right now on a trip and was gone for a few months, how much would things change? Who would be sad to see me gone and look forward to seeing me when I got back? Who would even care about the details of this random trip where I'd be gone, when I'm ALWAYS home and going on some trip like that would SO totally not be like me? Does anything I do, any effort I put out, does any of it REALLY matter?

Seriously. I mean, I've been writing these blogs for a month or so now, doing for me and purely me, but now, I've been posting some links on MySpace, kinda slightly "advertising" for it, and nothing. Nothing I EVER do, no matter HOW much effort I put out, it's like NOTHING fucking matters. Nothing at all. I could try a little, try a lot, or not try at all, and either way, people don't give a shit and nothing matters. Apparently I don't matter.

I ask for help, I try to help people, I'm a good person overall, and ANYONE can see that, but meanwhile I'm ignored, forgotten, left behind, and from what I see, nobody cares about me. Sure, they wouldn't want me hurt or whatever, but they don't REALLY care. They're not REALLY friends who help out when help is needed, which I GREATLY need as of late with my entire life being flushed down the goddamn toilet, but no, they're not there to help me. I help and try and put out effort, am SO fucking nice, NEVER nag people, but people SOMEHOW ignore me? I don't fucking understand it.

If I found out that ANY of my friends were in the situation I was in, I'd do SOMETHING to help them out, even the TINIEST thing so they'd know that SOMEBODY out there actually cares about them. But no, I get nothing. I ask for comments for my photos, and nothing. I ask for people to read my book, and give feedback, but again, nothing. I ask for ANY kind of help with web design, or finding clients, or getting girls to model for me, and a few other IMPORTANT things, but no, again, NOTHING. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND IT. And even though I'm rambling on about this, blogging my TRUE thoughts about things that REALLY anger me, upset me, frustrate me, and HIGHLY confuse me, does it even matter anyway? Am I wasting my goddamn time blogging about something that will NEVER change no matter what I do? Seriously fucking seems like it to me.

Why don't people come to me to ask for help? For advice? Why don't people care about me enough to help me out with my problems? Why are people APPARENTLY so consumed with their own lives, and often their own retarded drama that they aren't even willing to help me out when I'm the NICEST fucking guy I know? I'm not asking for brain surgery here, or even large sums of money, or THOUSANDS of hours of time and effort. No, I'm asking for SIMPLE shit, basically for people to care, and they can't even fucking do THAT for me. Am I not worth it? Do I not deserve people's attention? Am I the same with people in general now that I am with girls, where I'm practically ignored and shunned? Somebody tell me, cuz I'm fucking lost.

I'm seriously at PROBABLY the lowest point of my entire life, and have been for months, and I'm telling people my problems, I'm hinting at things, I'm sometimes BLATENTLY saying that I'm miserable, but what has come of it? ALMOST NOTHING! Nothing when I'm seriously miserable and depressed and I feel like I'm losing everything I care about, and nearly have no hope left. Things are HORRIBLE for me, with VERY few things that make me happy anymore, and I'm asking for help, but no one is willing to help me. Things keep falling through, nearly everything sucks, and I don't know what to do.

I've been bitching about the LACK of caring about my books for months, and nothing. I've been taking photos for months and BARELY anyone notices or cares. I mean, what the FUCK do I have to do to get some goddamn attention? Just cuz I'm reserved DOESN'T mean I should be fucking overlooked, taken for granted, and unappreciated! I am a TREMENDOUSLY great person, but I only know of a handful of people that I can say HONESTLY know me and appreciate me. The rest, I have no clue, and I'm sure they don't appreciate me. Sure of it.

I just don't know what to say or do anymore, cuz nothing seems to work out, nobody gives a flying fuck unless it DIRECTLY helps them, and life PRETTY much sucks. Sure, there's little "happy times" here and there, as to be expected, but MOST of the time, I'm not in a good goddamn mood, and disappointed in nearly everything and everyone for failing me, when I should be doing a TON better in my life right now than I currently am, jobless, broke, and can't even find any girls willing to take photos with me so I can do one of the ONLY things I even fucking enjoy anymore: Photography. I try and try, push and push, not TOO much, but enough, but no matter what, I'm ignored, blown off, and forgotten.

How the fuck do people get a message from me asking for IMPORTANT stuff, they read it, and then NEVER goddamn respond? How the fuck is that possible? How are people SO fucking self-consumed or, as they say, "busy" that they can get an IMPORTANT message from me and NEVER bother responding? I do NOT understand how anyone can do that, especially friends. Sure, I may not respond ASAP, but EVENTUALLY, I ALWAYS get back to people, cuz I FUCKING CARE!

I guess I'm nearly the only one. I guess nearly EVERYONE else just doesn't give a fuck about anything NOT directly relating to themselves. I guess my awesomeness doesn't even matter, just like I don't matter, so what the fuck ever. Fuck it. I should just stop caring, stop bitching, cuz nothing's gonna change either way. Try or not, put out effort or not, I can't rely on 99% of people in this world, so I might as well not even bother.

Goddamn, I feel like shit, and it's all cuz of a certain girl I care about and me realizing there is NOTHING I can do to help her, even though I'd do almost ANYTHING to make her feel even a TINY bit better. It's so fucking pathetic and I feel so fucking useless. She's so great, and still upset about something, and I am nothing to her, just like I'm nothing to PRACTICALLY everyone. I feel so bad, all of a sudden, that I could almost cry... :(

My Quotes

She couldn't look into his eyes anymore as she lowered her head in sadness and uttered, "People always leave..."

*****

"I'm different from when I left. I'm no longer the shy, reserved, little wuss that wasn't man enough for you. Now I'm older, wiser, more mature, and stronger. I am much stronger. I can be the man you need now, I promise."

*****

"Why won't you love me?"
"I do..."
"No you don't. Quit lying to me. Quit with your fucking lying. You don't need to 'protect' me anymore. Just be honest with me and tell me how you REALLY feel."
"I'm not protecting you..."
"BULLSHIT! You know me better than anyone ever has before and even YOU don't love me! What is wrong with me? Just tell me what's wrong with me and I'll change. I promise, I'll change. Just love me, please..."

*****

"Why can't you just be happy?"
"I just can't!"
"Why do you always have to sabotage your happiness when you find even a TINY bit of it?"
"I don't know! I'm just fucked up!"

*****

"I'm fucking done..."

*****

"I'm tired of you. Go away. Leave me alone."

*****

"Stop fucking with me!"

*****

"I've been dreaming about this for so long. You have no idea. I just never thought that I'd be dancing with you..."

*****

"You have to stop running away from your problems from now on, and face them head-on. That is the ONLY way that you'll EVER have a chance to be happy."
"I'm afraid..."
"I know, but just remember that I'll always be here to help you. I promise."

*****

"Why bother spending time with her or trying to make her happy? She'll never love me anyway..."

*****

"Even if it makes me 'happy' in the moment, it's just giving me false hope in the end."

*****

"You seem more... outgoing."

*****

"We're not meant to be..."

My Would-Have-Beens

I realized last night that my life is full of too many "would-have-beens" and not enough "was's". What I mean is that things come along, opportunities, chances, events, and while I HOPE to be included, to go along, to have fun, things MOST of the time just magickally don't work out. It's always like "man, that party would have awesome" or "shooting with that model would have been SO great for my portfolio" or "getting that job would have been great for me" and MILLIONS of other examples, many of which just in the last few months. I SOOOOO rarely go "holy shit, that show was great" or "that shoot with her was fantastic" or "hanging out the other night was so much fun" and that really shows how my life is, and has been for as long as I can remember.

A lot of people would tell me "you just don't try" but the thing is, I HAVE been. I've been going out of my way, pushing for things the last few months to a year more than I EVER have before. The problem is, when you push for something, it's not ONLY relying on you for whatever it is to happen or take place. No, part of it relies on someone else, and THAT is where things fall through for me. I try, I push, I nudge along, I am persistant, or at least moreso than ever before, but in the end, it doesn't happen. SO rarely does anything I want happen, and the more I want it, the LESS likely it is to happen. Sure, I may not try ENOUGH, I may not push ENOUGH, but goddammit, I'm doing it more than ever, and people gotta realize that. PLUS they gotta realize that whether they call it luck or fate or whatever, it's VERY shitty for me, and most things just fall apart right before my eyes. No matter the effort, the planning, the pushing, the drive, the motivation, it doesn't work, and goddamn has that hurt me more than almost anyone will ever know the last few months.

It doesn't matter what it's about. It could be about my novel that I'm trying to finish and publish. It could be my photography, trying to set up shoots with girls to gain some experience, to improve on my skills, to learn and get better and better so I can EVENTUALLY make some money and make some awesome art in the process. It could be a lot of things, but almost always, it fails. I just don't know how much more I can push for the things that I want, asking for favors, contacting people, trying to schedule things, all for it to be pointless in the end when nothing works out. Okay, not NOTHING, but damn close. Almost the ONLY things that actually do work out are the things that OTHER people, like my friend Matt does, and schedules, and includes me in on it. THOSE seem to work, every now and then, but just me? Me alone? Nope, failure, and goddamn, that both pisses me off and makes me SO depressed.

I thought for years that my ONLY problem was that I was too shy, I didn't try enough, I didn't push hard enough for what I want, but this year, I've pushed and strived and worked harder than I think I EVER have in my life, and I have so little to show for it. Personally, I'm growing, and that's fantastic, but I've had a MILLION failures across the board of things I've pushed for, and only a few successes, and even those were small, usually, and few and far between. Most of the failures are just people contacting me back in the first place to allow ANYTHING to happen at all, cuz no matter how much I write, or how little, how nice I am, how direct I am, angry, forceful, patient, understanding, 99.213% of the time, people get my messages, read them, and then NEVER fucking bother to write back. What the flying fuck? If I was a complete stranger, sure, I could imagine not getting a response back, but I'M THEIR FRIEND! MY OWN FRIENDS DON'T CONTACT ME BACK ABOUT SUPER IMPORTANT SHIT IN MY LIFE!!! How the FUCK is that even possible?

I'm not gonna rant (at least not any further) even though I could without ANY effort, but I will end things with my original point. Too often in my life I keep getting those "would-have-beens" and almost NO "was's" and I'm really curious if things will ever change. If they do, what goddamn point do I have to reach when they DO change and when things ACTUALLY start to get better for me in my life? I really, REALLY wanna know, cuz I've been hitting a brick wall for months now and I'm not sure whether I have the effort to EXPLODE with fury to everyone and everything, or just give up, falling to the ground, tears in my eyes as I completely give up and never have the effort to try again. I really, really don't know... :(