Her

I dreamed of her again. It's been a while since the last time. This one was simple, though it's already foggy in my head from when I awoke half a day ago. I believe it was just her and I, the two of us, hanging out. I don't know where, I don't know when or how, but I don't think any of that mattered. All that mattered was that we were together. I was in her presence, and she in mine. It was nice, but when I woke, I was sad. Sad again. Sad thinking of her and what she meant to me way back when.

I know what the dream means. It's not quite that I miss her, though I may. It's that I'm so desperate, so lonesome, so hopeless anymore that I'm reaching back, trying to go back in time and grab on to anything that made me feel better than I do now. She hurt me so badly, worse than she'll ever know. She left a festering wound in my "heart", or what's left of it, that, at this rate, will never heal. Even after all that, I'm desperate enough to reach out to her to give me even a sliver of comfort. To grab on to that hope that maybe, just maybe she liked me. That maybe, just maybe ANY girl ever liked me. To give myself even the tiniest bit of self-esteem instead of all the self-loathing I've been consumed with for years. But no, it's pointless. She never liked me. No girl ever liked me. That is a fact that will continue on and on until... I don't know when.

Today was one of those dark days. Those days where you wake up groggy, sluggish, and never feel right all day. It wasn't the dream, though that certainly didn't help. It really wasn't anything in particular. It just... was. Probably the results of my overall "life" weighing down on me. The nonstop nothingness, all my effort wasted no matter what I do. It left me in a dark, dark place. Very bleak, little to no hope, thinking that I might as well not even try anymore. I may not even live anymore, and I know that's a horrible thought. But everything feels so pointless. Such a waste of time. I'm too much of a burden on everyone, especially myself. I just...

I hate myself. I hate everything that I've become. I hate how all of my potential was pissed away with the passing of time. I'm nothing anymore. I'm barely living. I'm a shell. I'm surprised I breathe. I'm surprised my heart still beats. I feel so hollow. I hate how I feel. I hate it so much.

I hate the world. I hate how the world truly turned out to be. I hate how hopeful I was, bright-eyed and naive, and now I realize how shitty this world is. I hate how illogical everything is. How unfair, how unbalanced, how goddamn fucking stupid the world is. Good people are shafted and evil people prosper. Hard work doesn't pay off. Being lazy, putting out sub-par work is completely and utterly acceptable. Why bother busting your ass when you'll get nothing out if it? I don't see the point anymore.

I hate everyone for ignoring me, for neglecting me. I hate how they go on with their lives, their shitty jobs, their shallow, stupid relationships, and don't even notice how far I've fallen. None of them know how truly depressed I am. And if they do know, they don't fucking show it. They are assholes. They are selfish. They are pieces of shit. Yet I'm desperate for their attention. Even the tiniest bit would make me feel as if I have a reason for existing anymore.

Why do I exist? Why is it that my best friend, Eric Braunstein, died eight and a half years ago, yet I'm still alive? Why? I'm fairly sure he would have graduated from college, met a nice girl, settled down, gotten married, probably would have had a kid or two by now. He could have had a life. While I have no life, almost no friends, no females who give a fucking shit about me EVER, I get to keep on "living". But he didn't? I don't understand it. Why him? Why me? They say God does everything for a reason, but why the FUCK did he do that???

And I really hate how I've been bitching about these same problems for over five years now. Five fucking years, and no fucking change. I'm still lonely. I'm still miserable. I'm still without any sense of a "relationship". No girl I've ever been interested in has been interested in me. No girl AT ALL has ever liked me. I stay at home all the time, though I don't have much of a choice in that regard. I don't have a job. I try to do things to make money, like websites or photography or now Android apps, but it's a waste of time, it seems, just like everything else I do. When will things change? When will things EVER FUCKING CHANGE, GODDAMMIT???

I need God to give me a purpose. I need a sign. I need someone to tell me why I still exist on this earth when people like my best friend are dead, and have been dead for a long time. I don't understand. I need to have a reason. I need to have hope. I need to have something, anything that'll keep me going, cuz I'm running out of energy. Running out of effort. I'm afraid that before too long, I'll do nothing. Absolutely nothing. I'll lay in bed all day long, every day, and let the rest of my years slip away.

And the worst part? Nobody will even notice. :(

*****

By the way, haven't used this blog in about two years. Feel pretty bad about that. Maybe I can post my thoughts on here more than once every 700 days or so. Hopefully not all SUPER DEPRESSING stuff, though. That'd be nice.

My Neverending Spiral

A year. That's how long it's been since I've posted in this blog. Give or take. So what has changed in the last year of my life? Not much. And what HAS changed has gotten undeniably worse. Not only are bad things happening to me, but now it seems my curse is spreading to those around me. My family, a friend, and I wouldn't doubt others, even. Things are worse right now than I can ever remember them being. It feels like there's a ticking clock, slowly counting down to bad, bad things. Even worse than now, and there's nothing I can do. Everything I've tried has failed. Every single attempt, completely pointless. Meaningless, and a waste of effort, of which I no longer have much. I'm just tired, and almost all my hope for the future has washed away. Right down the drain. Right along with all that "potential" I used to have.

I just feel so shitty. I tried to cheer myself up with a little chocolate treat, but all it's done is leave me with a disgusting feeling in my stomach and hating myself for even eating it in the first place. That's how most of my life feels like anymore. Sure, I may get tiny moments of enjoyment, distraction from this shitty, often uncaring world, but in the end, I feel miserable again and hate myself for even bothering. I just don't see the point. Sure, I got out once in a while, like tonight. Watched a VERY disappointing PPV with all my "friends", but in the end, here I am. Here I sit, miserable as always. If not worse.

I've realized how as the further I fall into the black hole that is my life, the more my mind is reaching, reaching back for even the TINIEST things from my past, whether they were good things or not. Reaching back for people, even girls who have ultimately shunned me, hurt me, and left me worse after all was said and done. Girls who broke my heart, and I THOUGHT I was over years ago. For some reason, in my sadness, in all this loneliness, I find myself thinking of them. And I hate it. And most of all, I hate myself for even bothering.

Why care about a few bitches in my past who treated me like shit in their various, uncaring and selfish ways? Why even CONSIDER the idea of trying to reach out to them again after so long? What are they gonna do for me? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, that's for sure. They will only hurt me, and my memories of the pain they caused me is the primary reason I'm not trying. I think of it often, but I'm doing nothing but thinking. I know they will hurt me again, and I know how afterward, I will be left an even more pathetic pile of nothing than I am even now, as we speak.

But still, I think of them, even if I'm SURE they're never thinking of me. It's never "Hey, I wonder how Marshall's doing?" or "I haven't heard from Marsh in a long time." or anything similar. No, I'm sure my name hasn't crossed their minds in a long, long time. I'm nothing to them. I never was, and never will be. But still, knowing that, I think of them, my shattered, darkened heart desperate for ANYTHING to make me feel even a SHRED better for a single moment. Even just a kind response by text, or a quick conversation in person, anything would theoretically bring me out of my darkness for a SPLIT second. But no. That's so unlikely. They don't care about me. No matter how much I may have cared for them, they do NOT care about me in the slightest.

I hate myself for how far I've fallen. And I hate the world for not realizing my fall, or even that I'm not "fine" at all. Nobody asks. Nobody seems to care. I've heard they do "care", or "they're trying" even if they've done NOTHING different in the last few years than ever before. "They just don't know what to do," they tell me. "They don't know how to help you." Bleh. Bleh, bleh, bleh.

And I'd like to know how a certain someone can be "trying" with me when they've done NOTHING AT ALL. NOTHING. Not ONE fucking thing. No phone calls, no text messages, no emails, NOTHING at all. Even in my presence, the bitch didn't do a GODDAMN thing. Just talked quietly with someone else about me, wondering why I was being all quiet and distant.

I honestly don't know exactly WHY I acted that way, or even why I did something similar today, practically unable to look the girl straight in the face, but that's how it was. I'm awkward. I'm uncomfortable with them. Maybe it's lingering feelings, or the discomfort of being in their vicinity, or simply my shyness from my earlier years coming back. I don't know, but I DO know that I've been distant from both girls on a couple of occasions, and I... I don't know. I can't explain why. I just know I feel shitty, and these girls, girls I've had feelings for in the past, maybe still do, are doing something to me, affecting me in ways I cannot explain. I'm not a bad guy for those actions. I'm just still a shy little boy without ANY experience with a female to speak of. So fuck you if you don't like it, because it's not like I'm doing it purposely. Try stepping in my shoes for ONE fucking day and tell me you'd do anything ANY differently.

:(

My Coldness

I feel so cold.  Not only externally, from this shitty window, but also on the inside.  So cold, and so empty.

Today was a rough day.  Started off fine, but then I got some really bad news about some girl I was "interested" in and that just wrecked me.  I'm just tired of it all.  It was my own fault I'd never had a girlfriend up until a few years back cuz I never tried.  I never tried at all, cuz I'm afraid of the entire process, and yes, very intimidated by girls I'm attracted to.  It's not like I don't know what I'm gonna say, but I'm just very worried about if they'll like me.  Well, finally, I began "trying" a bit the last year or two since the biggest crush of my life was literally... well, crushed to fucking death.  Sure, I haven't gone up to random girls and "asked them out" but DAMMIT, I have been going out of my comfort zone to try to spend time with a girl or two I've been "into" since the shit years back.

I am not a pushy person.  Flat-out, I want to say that.  I keep to myself, I'm quiet, and pretty much shy unless I get comfortable enough with someone to open up.  So the fact that I was texting, messaging, and getting in semi-regular contact with the couple girls I was "into" was like night and fucking day compared to my OLD self where I didn't do shit.  I was finally pushing to spend time with some girl, get to know them, to see if ANYTHING could happen if I spent one-on-one time with some girl I liked, but nothing I did had ANY fucking effect.  No matter how indirect or direct I asked, the various activities I brought up, how nice or sweet or patient I was, NOTHING fucking mattered.  I've been continuously blown off by these girls and I'm just fed the fuck up.  I'm tired, and I'm done.  I'm giving up on "love" cuz I've gone 25 years without it now, FULLY AND COMPLETELY, and apparently I'm just not good enough or something.  Or the world FUCKING sucks.  Either way, I'm fucked, and I'm doomed to be lonely.  Simple as that.

I just don't get it.  I really don't.  Me "liking" some girl is SO fucking rare since the shit years back that it's a MIRACLE I ever looked at a girl and got "those feelings" again.  Sure, I've ran into some hot bitches, some girl's I'd GLADLY have sex with, but none of those "butterflies".  Finally, after a couple years of no feelings for any girls at all, I met one, and BOOM, it was there.  I was like "holy shit" and I couldn't believe it.  I did my best to try to hang out with her, spend time with her, or ANY way to communicate, as awkward as it was for me.  But, again, FAILURE.  She was always "busy" and I was always  SO patient and understanding and caring and sweet and kind, BUT WHAT DID THAT DO FOR ME?  FUCKING NOTHING, that's what.  You can be the KINDEST guy in the world, but if you're me, you're absolutely fucked.  And that's bullshit.  I know SO many guys out there who are NOT good guys.  They are NOT sweet.  They are NOT kind.  They are selfish assholes, BUT GIRLS LIKE THEM!  They've been in relationship after relationship, meanwhile I can't get ONE fucking girl in my ENTIRE fucking life to like me even a TINY goddamn bit???  REALLY?  YOU GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!

Then along the same time ANOTHER girl popped up.  Nearly fell into my lap, so to speak, and sure, I didn't get a lot of time around her, only a couple times to talk, and she was kinda distant, quiet, etc, but man, I liked her.  And not just in the "wow, she's a cutie" way.  I thought she was sweet, and kind, and had some of the same interests as me.  I read some of her blogs and wow, they SPOKE to me, and I am not joking at all when I say that.  This girl was SO much like me it wasn't even funny.  Not fully, obviously, but so many things she wrote were what I felt ALL the time, so I was even MORE convinced to FINALLY try to get close to some girl, REALLY, and maybe, in time, when I'm comfortable, ask her out.

So, what happens?  I nudge, which is like a THOUSAND times more than I ever have for a girl EVER.  I message her, text her, try my best to be nice and sweet and cool and funny and make her notice me.  I did SO much to try to get her attention, to get her to hang out with me, and NOTHING.  I just got constant excuses of "sorry, i've been busy, hopefully soon, that'd be fun" etc, etc, etc.  Fucking bullshit.  EVERYONE throws that goddamn excuse around like it's some untouchable thing that no one can EVER fight with.  Like, "Oh, you're busy?  I'm sorry.  I understand," while in the MEANTIME they're FUCKING AROUND on fucking GaySpace (aka MySpace for you tards out there, cuz MYSPACE IS GAY!) for hours a day, constantly checking their messages or looking for comments or seeing who read their bulletins or wrote anything for their events, and all that gay shit.  Then they blow time AND money each week on STUPID shit, while I'm trying my best to improve my skills and abilities, and even myself.  I am NOT fucking around with my life, so when people (especially girls) CONSTANTLY fucking jerk me around, I DON'T FUCKING LIKE IT!!!

I just wish people would be goddamn honest.  If you don't wanna hang out, or can't cuz you got too much going on, GODDAMN TELL ME.  If you don't wanna shoot with me, FUCKING TELL ME!!!  Don't jerk me around for months with your "hopefully soon" when I'm sitting around with NOBODY willing to goddamn help me on almost ANYTHING in my life.  It's fucking bullshit.

Yes, I don't go out much.  Yes, I'm a homebody.  Yes, I am a loner, and stay by myself MOST of the time, but that DOESN'T mean that I'm happy and everything's fine.  Don't ASSUME that I'm fine cuz you don't see me.  ANYBODY who reads this should REALIZE THAT I'M MISERABLE!  And I have been for a long time, and almost NO ONE is willing to help me out with shit, even when I ask.  So thanks.  Thanks a lot.  Selfish assholes and bitches... *grrrrrrrrrrr*

I just really wonder if I'll ever find someone.  I mean, sure, people have gone 25 years like me without serious relationships.  Or sex.  Or maybe even dates, but EVERYTHING?  EVERYTHING????  REALLY?????  What the FUCK is apparently wrong with me that in my 25 years of existence I've NEVER met a girl who could like... ACTUALLY LIKE ME???  Seriously, cuz I don't get it.  I'm not ugly.  I'm not HIDEOUSLY fat.  I'm not an asshole, but also not a pussy.  I'm no pushover, but not a dick either.  I'm a REALLY good, funny, smart guy, and I DESERVE better than what I've gotten in my life.  People don't appreciate me, girls ignore me or blow me off, and people in general just fucking suck.  I am VERY miserable, and have been for years, and almost nobody seems to care, even when I drop hints like anvils in blogs or bulletins or messages or WHATEVER.  I mean, seriously?  What is wrong with me?  Why can't I be like ANYONE else and just find some girl to like me?  I'm not asking for too much.  Just some nice, sweet girl to meet me, think I'm nice, sweet, funny, and fun to be around, and just wanna spend time with me?  I see fucking assholes and morons "meeting girls" ALL the fucking time, so WHY NEVER ME?  Why?  Why, why, why???

So to all those girls who have ignored me, fed me bullshit excuses even when I ACTUALLY fucking try, to those selfish people who only care about their OWN fucking lives and nothing else unless it helps THEM, fuck you.  Simple as that, cuz I'm looking out for me, and I'm not gonna deal with your shit anymore.  Be happy now, cuz hopefully someday I'll be wealthy and happy and I will do NOTHING to help you, just like you do NOTHING to help me now when I really, REALLY need it.  Congrats.

;(

My Fear

I'm afraid. Afraid that by slipping further and further into the black hole, the abyss known as my depression and misery, that maybe I won't be able to return from it. Maybe I could just go too far into that sadness and never be able to be my "old self" again. Maybe I'll never be able to be happy ever again...

Everything just seems so bleak, so hopeless, so dark, and uncaring. I keep hitting new lows, over and over, and I'm just not sure how far down I'll go before things get better, or... maybe I slip away completely. I'm afraid that by becoming TOO depressed, I won't appreciate anything anymore, and nothing will satisfy me. Even if good things happen, I'm so afraid that I won't notice, or won't care, cuz I'm just so fucking miserable. Maybe I'll meet a cute, sweet, and AMAZING girl that will make me happier than I've ever been, but I'll be so consumed with everything, my misery, my anger, frustration, all of that, and maybe I'll pass her by. I won't even notice her, and not be myself, therefore she won't notice me and I'll be doomed to be single and lonely for the rest of my life.

I keep trying to be happy, to appreciate things, to look forward to stuff, to have hope in the future, but things almost always fail me, let me down, and leave me worse than when I started. Project after project, idea after idea, plan after plan get ruined, or cancelled, or forgotten, and I'm just not sure how much more I can do with so little hope and effort left inside of me. It's difficult for me to try normally, but then add on TOP of all that my horrible mood the last few months and I can barely do shit, let alone things that are outside my comfort zone, which is sadly many, MANY things.

What's gonna save me? Someone? Something? Some WONDERFUL girl to FINALLY make me confident in myself? Some awesome opportunity where I can make some money doing something I really enjoy? Finally publishing my book? Having people FINALLY help me? Doing a ton more shoots? Getting some appreciation? People caring about me? Will ANYTHING be able to save me from all of this misery? This depression? The hopelessness? I really don't know...