My Prison

It was dark. The room was completely silent. She was consumed with fear, terror, horror. Tears ran down her face as she looked around, desperately hoping to see something, hear something, anything that could help her. Sadly, she was all alone, just like she had been for... how long now? She couldn't even tell anymore. All she knew is that she had never been more scared in her entire life.

Her hands gripped the cold, metal bars. She was inside a cage, she'd realized, and it was small. Very small, like an animal cage, for some pet. She was tiny, weak, frail, so she'd never be able to summon the strength to bend the bars to escape. No, she was trapped, and most of all, she knew it. She sat in that tiny cage, hands wrapped around the bars, staring off into the pure darkness, listening for any other sign of life.

She had no idea how she'd gotten there, in that tiny, metal cage. She only remembered little flashes of a struggle, fighting, hands gripping her, hitting her in the face, and the pain as someone hit her, multiple times. Her face still hurt, a dull, aching pain, but her fear consumed her more than anything. She was all alone, and completely afraid of whatever was out there in that darkness. Someone had taken her, but for what reason? What purpose? What were they going to do with her? And most of all, would she survive?

She weeped, hands sliding down the bars and her head slumping down, almost lifelessly. She was losing hope, losing everything with every passing moment in that cage, within that dark room, her possible tomb. Tears dripped down into her lap, her body hunched over as she closed her eyes and put the rest of her energy into nearly silent whispers.

"Please save me. Somebody please save me. Somebody..."

My Nervousness

There she is. Not even twenty feet from me, but it doesn't matter. Five feet or five miles, neither makes a difference in the end. I'm too frightened to ever talk to her. As much as I'd LOVE to, as much as having her acknowledge me, even with one single look, a single smile, would light me up and make me happier than I've been in years, I just... can't. I'm terrified. She intimidates me. There are about a million things I can think of off the top of my head that I'd be more willing to do than just walk the few feet between us and say a simple "hi".

I don't know what's wrong with me, but that's just how I am. I just can't have anything to do with her. People ask if I'm afraid of rejection, and honestly, thinking about it, I'm really not. I mean, if she blows me off, whatever. It sucks, but I'll live. They then say if I don't care about being rejected, why the hell am I so afraid of her? Intimidated? And I just don't know. I DO know that even the THOUGHT of coming up to her, speaking her name, having her turn to me, look into my eyes, the entire thing just scares the shit out of me, for some strange reason, and I'm not sure if that will ever change.

I'm just so timid, so shy, so awkward, not really afraid of rejection, but pretty sure in some way I WOULD screw up, or just come off looking like some doofus, either stuttering or mumbling or not saying the right thing, not being casual, cool, nice, but being a complete moron. Then I'd PROBABLY feel even worse cuz I blew it, rather than being my ABSOLUTE best and she just happens not to like me, or talk to me, or whatever.

But bleh, I don't even know why I worry about it so much, or think about it at all. I'm never gonna talk to her. She's too gorgeous. Too nice. Too sweet, and funny, and... beautiful. Too wonderful. I admire her from afar, too afraid to ever get close, and doomed to be completely alone. She just always seems so happy, so cheerful, laughing and joking with her friends, and I'm kind of afraid of ruining that. I'd come over, look like an idiot, and then affect her in some negative way. I'd prefer her to be happy without me than awkward or annoyed with me around, bothering her.

I hate the idea of bugging her, of ruining her fun, messing up her day, being a nuisance. I think that's probably a lot of it. As much as I like myself, cuz I'm a cool guy, nice, funny, and all that, I'm like... not good enough for her. I'm different from her, and even TRYING to be around her, to talk to her, to be her friend, to be MORE than a friend, I'd just be... wasting my time. Her time too. I have no choice, so why bother?

A girl like her would NEVER be interested in a guy like me. That's probably why I don't bother, cuz I'm sure she'd never appreciate me. I'm not the kinda guy she's interested in. I'm not some "hot" jerk who only dates her cuz of her looks. I'm not some arrogant asshole that pushes her around and tells her what to do. I'd respect her, care for her, and... sadly, that's probably not what she's looking for.

The saddest thing of all is that she probably doesn't even know I exist. As much as I like her, admire her, and would DIE to just talk to her, I'm nothing to her. Absolutely nothing...

She turns her head. She suddenly stares across the room, across the picnic table, almost as if her eyes are searching for something. Her friends are laughing and joking all around her, but she's almost distant from them. Staring off, she looks in my direction, no, directly at me, and... she smiles. I can't breathe... No way... I don't believe it...

I finally exist.

My Quotes II

"I don't wanna be helped. I am beyond help. I wanna be hated. I want you to fucking hate me. Hate me with all that's inside of you. HATE ME!!!"

*****

"I'll always be there for you, but..."
"You lie, you fucking bitch. You never loved me. You never cared about me. It was all just a lie. One BIG lie to fuck with me. It hurts too much for me to even be around you anymore..."

*****

"You make me feel unappreciated. I want you to make me feel like the happiest man in the world, the luckiest man in the world, JUST to be around you, but you make me miserable. By not returning my love, you make me miserable, and angry, and bitter..."

*****

"No one ever compliments me. I feel like I am the only one who truly appreciates me. I know how great I am, but no one ever says it but me. I don't wanna be like everyone else. I wanna be special. I want people to like me. I want people to care about me. I want people to want to be around me... to spend time with me. I want to be irreplaceable..."

*****

"I'm so fucked up..."

*****

"I am myself."

*****

"I missed you."

*****

"I wanna be consumed. With love, or hate, or sadness, or depression, I don't care. I just want to be consumed, completely and totally. I NEED it..."

*****

"Why would anyone ever envy ME? I'm useless..."

*****

"In order to truly understand good, I must become evil..."

My Quotes

She couldn't look into his eyes anymore as she lowered her head in sadness and uttered, "People always leave..."

*****

"I'm different from when I left. I'm no longer the shy, reserved, little wuss that wasn't man enough for you. Now I'm older, wiser, more mature, and stronger. I am much stronger. I can be the man you need now, I promise."

*****

"Why won't you love me?"
"I do..."
"No you don't. Quit lying to me. Quit with your fucking lying. You don't need to 'protect' me anymore. Just be honest with me and tell me how you REALLY feel."
"I'm not protecting you..."
"BULLSHIT! You know me better than anyone ever has before and even YOU don't love me! What is wrong with me? Just tell me what's wrong with me and I'll change. I promise, I'll change. Just love me, please..."

*****

"Why can't you just be happy?"
"I just can't!"
"Why do you always have to sabotage your happiness when you find even a TINY bit of it?"
"I don't know! I'm just fucked up!"

*****

"I'm fucking done..."

*****

"I'm tired of you. Go away. Leave me alone."

*****

"Stop fucking with me!"

*****

"I've been dreaming about this for so long. You have no idea. I just never thought that I'd be dancing with you..."

*****

"You have to stop running away from your problems from now on, and face them head-on. That is the ONLY way that you'll EVER have a chance to be happy."
"I'm afraid..."
"I know, but just remember that I'll always be here to help you. I promise."

*****

"Why bother spending time with her or trying to make her happy? She'll never love me anyway..."

*****

"Even if it makes me 'happy' in the moment, it's just giving me false hope in the end."

*****

"You seem more... outgoing."

*****

"We're not meant to be..."

My Friend

When I first met her, she seemed so distant, so sad, so alone. I tried my best to be nice to her, to be friendly, to show her I care, and she began to open up before my very eyes. I could see something in her. Something special. Something wonderful. Something absolutely amazing and breathtaking. Then she got weird again.

It's as if there's a switch in her brain and with me, she's one way, and around others, she's someone else. I don't know who she is, or at least who she's trying to be, but somehow, someway, I think I can see the REAL her deep down, staring deeply into her eyes, and she's... beautiful.

I was her friend, and I think possibly the only one she had. We spent a lot of time together, got close, talked about ourselves, though me a lot more than her. The more we spoke, the more we connected, and the more she opened up to me, like a blooming flower. She'd be weird around others, but with me, only me, she would open up, and although she didn't talk about herself too much, I could see far more in her eyes than what she said with words. Soon, I liked nothing better than to just stare into her eyes, feeling like I could see all the way down to her soul, and she would always smile at me when I looked at her that way. I would then smile too, and I felt truly happy.

I miss her now. I had to leave. I had no choice, really. As much as I wanted to stay, there were more important things out there in the world, though I promised I'd return to her one day. And I will. I never break my promises. I also promised to write her every single day, and find some way to deliver the letters to her, no matter where I travelled. We shall see if she gets those letters, and when, but eventually, I'm sure she will. I care about my friend, even... love her, I think, and I will never stop feeling that way about her as long as I live.

So, to my friend, I would like to say that... I love you, and I can't wait to stare into your eyes again, see that smile of yours, and smile back with all the happiness in my heart. Until then...

My Savior

I need you. I rely on you. I don't even know who you are, what you look like, what your name is, or anything about you, but I need you more than you may ever know. I don't know if you're my friend, some stranger, someone down the street, or across the country, even on the other side of the world. I don't know if I've met you yet, or will tomorrow, next week, next month, two years, five years, or even decades from now. I don't know your age, your background, your family, friends, job, location, or anything else. I know nothing about you, but I still need you, still rely on you so badly.

You are the girl of my dreams. No, you're not going to "fix" me, or make ALL my problems go away, but you'll be that piece of me, deep down inside, that I feel I've been missing since I was born, or at least since I realized something was missing. You are what I long for, what I desire, and what I ultimately am destined to find, to meet, to fall madly in love with. You are my soul mate.

The problem is, I know nothing about you, nothing at all, so I'm completely lost. I am miserable with my own life, with much of myself, but meanwhile I must find you somehow. How am I supposed to find this wonderful person out there that's meant for me when things are so dark, so depressing, so hopeless? I just don't know how. I try, and things fail me. I try again, and people fail me. I try, and try, and try, but VERY few things seem to work out, so how in the hell am I gonna be LUCKY enough to ever meet you? To ever have you notice me? To appreciate me? Let alone love me? I just... don't know.

Someday you will mean the world to me. I will love you more than I love myself. I would die for you, but... what do I do for now? What do I do until I find you? Until you find me? Until we can finally be together and complete one another? What am I... no, what are WE supposed to do until that day? I don't know what to do. I don't know what I'm SUPPOSED to do to find the right road, the correct path, to find you, and... afraid that maybe I screwed up. Maybe I'm not doing the right thing in order to find you, or... worse, maybe I'm not good enough. Maybe I don't try hard enough. Maybe I'm just not meant to be happy. Which is right? Which is correct? Which is the truth? I really wish I knew...

Please, save me... I beg of you...

My Sickness

Under my shirt... Over my heart... It's spreading. It's been there for years, as long as I can remember, but it's never grown like this before. It's spreading faster and faster by the day, it seems, and it scares me. It angers me. It frustrates me, because I don't know what it is, and I don't know what's causing it. Why me? Why am I cursed with this? This... sickness? Why, dammit, why?

No one can find out. I've never taken my shirt off in front of anyone before... and never will I. I can't trust people. They cannot know my secret. They can't see this. They'd be scared, probably moreso than I already am. They already hate me, but... maybe they'd pity me somehow. Pity me for this cursed mark, whatever it means, and... I would hate that. HATE! I already hate, and it's growing by the day, just like the mark...

I hate everyone. They are all below me. I am GREATER than them all. They are NOTHING compared to me, like bugs compared to a god. They are pathetic and weak, while I am strong, powerful, dominant. I see them staring at me, admiring me, fearing me... Their eyes are always watching me, and it drives me mad.

Maybe my madness is driving the curse to spread faster, or maybe it's the curse which drives my madness. I do not know, but I DO know that I hate everyone, and wish they would all go away. I wish they'd leave me alone. I may be like a god to their bugs, but they don't deserve the honor of my presence. Leave me alone...

Looking at it, it scares me again. It's so red, like blood, but deeper... darker. It's frightening. Horrifying. Chills me to my core, but somewhere... deep down... I think I like it. It fuels my dark emotions, and I greatly enjoy those feelings. I enjoy the hate, the rage, and somehow, even the fear. I don't understand, but for some reason, I feel it is true.

My mark is my curse, but also... it may be my blessing...

My Darkness

He was surrounded in darkness. No matter where he looked, there was no light to speak of. He blinked his eyes, over and over and over, but there was no difference whether his eyes were open or closed. In fact, he felt a tad better with them closed, knowing that it was supposed to be that dark with them not open to the outside world. Looking out onto the darkness, all that emptyness, he was very afraid. He trembled, trying to remain calm, to stay focused on figuring out where he was, what had happened, and what was going on.

"Hello?" he called out, his voice vanishing into the abyss around him. "Can anyone hear me? Is anyone out there!?"

He moved forward in the dark, reaching his hands out, but there was nothing there. He breathed heavily, his lungs sucking air into his body, but he was growing more and more fearful by the moment. He moved his hands all around him, trying to feel anything, but was in a completely empty space. He gasped for air, feeling as if he was suffocating, even though there was plenty of air around him at the moment. He clenched his hands, trying to stop them from shaking, but he felt like the darkness, the emptyness, it was consuming him.

He cried out, "Hello!? Please! Someone answer me!"

He moved forward again, still reaching out, hoping to touch something... anything, but no. He reached and reached, stretching out his arms, his hands, but there was nothing around him as he felt the darkness filling his body. He kept moving, going faster and faster, until he broke out in a full run, dashing through the dark in utter desperation and horror.

"Somebody! Anybody! Help me!!!" he screamed, his legs shaking as he ran, nearly causing him to fall down.

He ran and ran and ran until his lungs burned, his legs were weak, and he stopped, barely able to keep himself standing. He turned around, his eyes searching the abyss, but finding nothing but the dark. Darkness all around him, surrounding him, and now consuming him. He felt alone, abandoned, and utterly hopeless.

"Help me, please..." he pleaded to the nothingness, praying that someone, something, would answer him. He spun around and around, hoping something would happen, hoping the darkness would go away, but it was constant, almost growing darker and more menacing to him, sapping away all of his courage and strength. "Please... help me. Somebody help me..."

His legs buckled beneath him, taking him down. He sat there, full of fear, terror, horror, as he glanced around, searching for any kind of light at all. He searched and searched, trembling, wrapping his arms around his legs to hold himself, trying to keep in whatever courage he had left inside of him. He focused his breath, trying to keep calm, keep it steady, in and out, in and out, but he was just too afraid. The darkness was all around, it was consuming him to the core, and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

"Mother... Father... Papa... Mama... Somebody... help me... I beg of you..."

Tears ran down his cheeks as he cried, whispering out to the darkness, praying for anyone to save him. He felt lost, empty, and now completely numb. Realizing he was doomed, he shut his eyes, held himself tightly, and gave in to the darkness, the nothingness, the abyss, and slipped away...

My Trip Home

They sat in the backseat of the car together. The driver's side seat was full of boxes, forcing the boy and girl to scrunch together with him in the middle and her on the passenger's side. At first it was a bit uncomfortable and awkward, but soon enough, they sat quietly together, sharing little glances as the car drove down the road, speeding along.

She whispered to him that she was tired, and was going to take a little nap on the way home. He smiled, nodded, and carefully watched her lay back her head, letting her eyes fall closed. Traveling so fast down the smooth road, hearing the humming of the engine, the vibration of the car itself, it was all very soothing. He looked around for a moment, seeing the sun dip into the horizon just as his eyes came back to her. The sun fell across her face, showing her beauty to him. He knew how gorgeous she was long before that moment, but she looked even moreso in that light. He saw her breathing slowly, knowing she was already asleep, and she'd only just closed her eyes minutes earlier. A smile again came to his face, watching her resting beside him.

He relaxed in his seat, allowing himself to enjoy the rest of the ride home as well. He yawned, putting his hand to his mouth when he felt her shift, then feeling something pressing against his shoulder. He glanced over and saw that she was lying against him, her face so soft and relaxed. Staring at her, she seemed so comfortable... no, comforted, almost, more than he'd ever seen her in his life. It seemed to him as if she was always holding something back when she was awake, but now, she was carefree and... happy. He hoped that it was because she was lying with him, but... nahhh.

Someone in the front opened their window, letting the cool wind rush into the warm car. It hit her face, sending her long, ruby red hair whipping into his eyes, but he didn't care. He breathed deeply, smelling a hint of the aroma of that beautiful hair of hers: Berries. He couldn't tell exactly what type it was supposed to be, but her hair smelled so good, so fresh, and deep down, he knew he'd never forget that smell as long as he lived.

Someone upfront called back at him, asking if the wind was bothering them. He shook his head, feeling her hair gently blowing against him, covering his eyes as he let them close. He lay back, letting his body fully relax as he realized at that very moment there was nowhere else he'd rather be than right there in that backseat with her...

My Poetry

Hero

When evil appears, a hero is born
One day they will meet and begin their fight
They will compete over battlefields torn
With rage and fury only in their sight
They will spill each other's blood on the ground
and alter each other's lives for all time
Their loud screams of agony the sole sound
The whole world will watch, awaiting a sign
As the deadly finish nears to the strife,
the hero will re'lize what he must do
So he will sacrifice himself his treasured life
and the evil villain will perish too
The world fin'ly releases its held breath
And sadly mourns the noble hero's death

*****

I'm no "pro" at poetry, but I think I did a damn good job on that one. Nice wording to make everything sound good, well-described, and has a really good story too. Plus it's about the sacrifice of a great hero, and I always love those kinda stories. The fact that the man is not only sacrificing his life as a hero, but also as a person, just for some greater good, to defend the world from evil, and protect those people he truly cares about. He dies not only as a hero, but a man, and leaves all those who cared about him behind. It's so sad, but also so noble, and when I someday die, I really hope I go for a really good purpose like that, rather than some stupid accident or... whatever. I just don't want my life wasted for something that obviously isn't worth it. I want to be remembered, for people to know that I was a good person, that I cared about others, and I did my best to help people, even on my dying day. If that happens, then I'll die happy, and I REALLY don't want to die with regrets and other bad feelings. Anyway, here's another good poem from my high school days:

*****

Confrontation

Before the hero, the villain stood like a tower
He was dark and evil with great power
He held a sharp sword in his hand
Ready to battle in his homeland
The wind howled in the hero's ears
Like a monster bringing out all his fears
Both men each drew their respective blade
And charged each other, eyes full of rage

*****

Another good poem by me, and again, I really like the "feel" of it. It's very dark, and scary, even, and I like how it's all just a build-up to the actual battle. Obviously I'm VERY into heroes and villains and all that stuff, as can be seen here and my book(s) if ANYONE will ever take some fucking time out of their "busy schedules" to read them. Bleh.

Anywhore (yeah, I'm a thief too) This was a pretty positive little blog tonight. I'm not exactly in the GREATEST of moods, being that... well, I'm me, and with all the HORRIBLE news and bad shit lately, but I'm glad I could keep it GENERALLY happy. I'll try to do more of that rather than just bitching nonstop, cuz I know EVENTUALLY it's gonna get repetitive and old. I'll see what I can do about posting maybe book-stuff, like future ideas, hints, previews, just whatever's on my mind when it comes to my book/storyline in general. Maybe tomorrow I'll write the little thing I've been thinking about the last few days. We'll see. Tonight, I'm gonna try to go to bed early, after some rereading of the first Anita Blake book, so I'll be back blogging tomorrow. Til then...

My Poem

Here's the first of however many of my old poems I'll post here:

Marshall
Who is full of ideas,
Pure of heart,
And the best person that he can be
Who wants to have a prosperous life,
To greatly establish himself in the world,
And to change the way people think of certain ideas,
Such as love, courage, and being a true hero
Who needs the love and respect of friends and family,
To constantly improve his skills and increase his
Knowledge all his life,
And time everyday to relax and focus on what he wants
To accomplish
Who loves spending time with friends,
Seeing someones reaction to reading one of his stories,
And creating those new stories day by day
Who fears being truly alone,
Not fulfilling his destiny,
And not being able to fully use his abilities
Walls

Not exactly the most "artistic" poem of all time, I know, but I still like it. And, sadly in some ways, and nice in others, I still feel pretty much the same way now, even almost six and a half years after I originally wrote this. I still obviously want to be the best person I can be, to do well in life, hope to affect people with my books, if they ever ACTUALLY read them. I'm not so sure about the "love and respect of my friends" part, cuz with all the shit that's happened to me the last few months, I've realized how FEW of my friends truly do care about me. Most people, I've now discovered, don't really seem to give a shit about stuff that goes on unless it DIRECTLY has to do with them. I ask for favors, and VERY rarely, and it almost goes completely ignored by nearly everyone, whether it's just to read my book, even the SMALLEST little portion, or check out my photography and comment on it. No matter what, my requests, AND me, are ignored almost constantly, so the "caring" from my friends at this point is "bleh". Fuck it.

I keep trying to improve my skills and knowledge for sure, and also DEFINITELY need my alone time to chill, cuz when I'm TOTALLY busy with shit and without it, I feel like hell, or at least WORSE than normal. Again, I'm all iffy on the "loving spending time with friends" part unless it's a SHORT list of friends that I do like. The rest, I've realized, are selfish assholes, so again, fuck 'em. Mostly I only enjoy hanging out in small groups when I can be myself, be open and honest and funny and shit and NOT feel like im being bogged down by all the retarded bullshit around me. In big groups, I go silent, and while it's kinda relaxing to just chill, I'm often EXTREMELY fucking bored, so it sucks ass, pretty much. And then some people "want" me to go to out and hang out and shit "so badly" but when I'm out, they PRETTY much ignore me, so WHY FUCKING BOTHER? Seriously, they want me out, and then ignore me. Oh, I get the quick "hey, how ya been?" but if they REALLY know me and how I've been lately, they should ALREADY know I'm in my own personal hell with shit getting worse and worse and worse with each passing day. AKA they should STOP asking me stupid questions like that and just ACTUALLY talk to me, instead of ignoring me and making me feel even MORE invisible. I swear, this shit SHOULD be simple and logical and pretty much everyone who isn't a TOTAL dumbshit should realize it, but I GUESS not...

Seeing reactions to people reading my stories? Well, that shit hasn't happened in a LONG time, so yeah, NO! If anyone EVER read my book, I'd probably enjoy it, sure, but for now, no, I don't see it, therefore can't enjoy it. Even I barely "enjoy" my book anymore since I've read and reread and rereread it SO many fucking times that it makes my brain melt in my skull. And then people keep telling me "YOU are the only one who should matter when it comes to your book. If YOU like it, that's all that matters!" Well, sorry, but when a book is PUBLISHED, which is what I wanna EVENTUALLY do with my book, then what REALLY matters is the opinion of EVERYONE BESIDES ME! Yeah, that's how the real world works, so already having PRETTY much everyone that I know shunning me AND my book isn't making me too confident in my writing abilities or myself in general, so thanks everybody.

Creating new stories? Haven't done that in a while, but when I do, it's good, yes. I most DEFINITELY fear being alone, and now I'm more alone than ever being totally broke, depressed, miserable, and having nearly all the hopes and dreams and goals in my life fall apart RIGHT in front of me. People are almost ALL too busy to hang out with me, to even show up and see me every once in a while, so I'm alone almost all day, every single day, which is nice, sure, but I miss my old schedule of hanging out with a couple people every week at certain times to watch TV or wrestling or just hang out, maybe go out and do things, like movies or whatever. I don't have that at all anymore, and with all my dreams and shit dying too, life pretty much sucks ass.

At this rate, I'm most CERTAINLY not fulfilling my destiny, unless my destiny is to live at home with my parents forever, not have a job, and become a COMPLETE hermit, and eternal "virgin" to EVERYTHING involving girls. If so, then yes, I'm RIGHT on track, baby! *shaking head*

And finally, I'm certainly not using my abilities very fucking often cuz NO ONE EVER GIVES ME A FUCKING OPPORTUNITY TO DO SO! And almost EVERY single time I do get a shot, again, like my dreams, they're RIPPED away from me. So yeah, again, shit sucks.

That was quite a rant this evening, and I kinda feel better to admit things that I really wouldn't to anyone else, minus one or two people, but anyway, there's the first of my poems. Feels kinda good to know I'm the same person now that I was back in high school, but also bad to know that I'm just as far along in some things in my life now than I was over six and a half years ago. Fantastic. I wonder if I'll STILL be a complete fucking loser (especially when it comes to girls, those evil, selfish bitches) six and a half years from now. Well, February 2015, HERE I COME!!! :(

My Princess

My very first blog. YAY! I'm Marsh. This is my blog. Read it. Okay, now that the introductions are out of the way, lame-assed, sure, but still, here's the ACTUAL blog:

The other day, I was looking for some books to read, ones I SWORE I had bought a while back, but for some reason, I couldn't find them. I was looking all over: in drawers, shelves, boxes, and finally under my bed, where I didn't find the books, but something else.

I found an old book of poems and stuff that I wrote for school, and turned in as a final project for my writing class in... I THINK 12th grade? Anyway, I finally got to "work" on my writing that I'd been doing on my own since I was like... little, back when EVERYONE cared about my writing and EVERYONE wanted to be included as a character in my stories. Boy, do I find that ironic at this point. Now, almost NO ONE gives a shit about my book or my writing, and even I'm doubting myself like crazy cuz of numerous reasons, mostly cuz of almost a COMPLETE lack of feedback, so I don't know if my book/writing is good or not.

Anyway, back to my point. I got to work on not only fantasy stories, as I'd pretty much done solely, at least when it comes to my BIG novel(s), but other types of writing as well, like poetry and rhymes and limericks and all that shit. I don't remember the names anymore, lol, but still, I got to experiment with different stuff. I remember struggling with some of it, trying to get it to sound right, or have the right amount of words, or rhyme correctly, but in the end, I think I did pretty good work. Maybe I'll post some of it as time goes on, something to share with people, if ANYONE reads this, but anyway...

Finding this book, and reading the poems and shit again, I ALSO found a note inside. It was a grading sheet from my teacher, who strangely enough gave me 150/200 cuz I didn't "identify" the various parts of the poems that I wrote, like personification, and metaphors, and similes, musical devices, etc. I still find that dumb cuz I DID label what poems had what things, but just didn't put it RIGHT in the poems themselves. Bleh, but the point was, she graded me, and then beneath that wrote me a little note as a "end of semester" kinda thing. I've gotten some nice ones over the years, as almost ALL people who see my work and know me a bit realize how AWESOME I have and how much POTENTIAL I have, but this one just kinda surprised me. I'll quote the important part here:

"I enjoyed reading your pieces all semester. I know you have a bright future waiting for you... like a princess."

At first, I was confused. Did she meant that, like a princess, I had a bright future? Then I realized she PROBABLY meant that I had a bright future waiting for me, along with a princess waiting too. That made me feel good, with her PROBABLY realizing how I felt about my situation in life. The fact that I was a lonely kid, never had a girlfriend, never even ONE girl who EVER had feelings for him (or at least I realize that now, but back then, I was delusional about one girl. I won't go into it, but yeah, gayballs) and even in my writing, I kinda expressed my hopes to find some "princess" someday. Rereading just now, yeah, I do mention a couple princesses, and thinking about it, I do still feel the same way. I'm still looking for some "princess" to come along and be a part of my life. Whether she "saves" me or vice-versa, I'm still hoping and praying and wishing for some GREAT girl to come along, my own "princess" that I can FINALLY be happy with. A girl that'll make me feel better about myself, to FINALLY appreciate myself fully, and fill that hole in my soul that I've felt for many, MANY years now.

Sadly, I haven't been able to find ANY girl that likes me, let alone a "princess". Girl after girl, crush after crush that I have, STUPIDLY, I just end up more and more miserable and hopeless. Whether the girl has known me for years and years, or JUST met me, no girl ever thinks of me beyond "a friend" if they EVEN think of me at all, which they PROBABLY don't. I'm barely a blip on ANYONE'S radar, let alone some cute, nice, sweet, wonderful girl that I would DIE to just know for a moment that they liked me. But no, I'm just nice guy Marshall, or "Marsh" or Drew's brother, or even "that shy guy who sits and writes in that little notebook all alone by himself". Whatever the case may be, I'm never liked by any girl, cute or nice or sweet or wonderful or not, and never have a chance to EVER be cared for, appreciated, or anything else that would REALLY help me and my nearly ZERO self-confidence. No, I'm just fucked, and in the HORRIBLY bad way.

So anyway, yes, I wonder if I'll EVER find my princess. People have always told me "the right girl will come along. I promise," but I've now been hearing that for ALMOST a decade, SO WHEN THE FUCK IS IT GONNA HAPPEN? SERIOUSLY! I'm nearly 25 years old with NO experience with girls to speak of. No, you read that correctly. NONE. No relationships, no dates, no hand-holdings, no kisses, no NOTHING. Nothing at all. Complete and utter nothingness. Seriously, nothing. Now, TRY to fucking wrap your brain around that concept and realize to yourself THAT'S WHY I AM THE WAY I AM! How about YOU try to imagine yourself in that position and see how much self-confidence you'd have. PROBABLY just as much as I do, aka nearly zero. So yeah, THAT is why I'm the way I am, and why almost ANYTHING involving "trying" and things that need confidence are almost CRIPPLING to me. That's why.

This seems like a good place to stop, otherwise I'll just go ON AND ON AND ON about my pathetic life and lack of SO many things, most of all experiences that NORMAL people TOTALLY fucking take for granted. I'm gonna do my best to post SOMETHING every single night, even if it's just... whatever, so hopefully I keep up with it, cuz this could be good for me. Or it might just be a TOTAL waste of time, but even if it is, it wouldn't be the first one. HA!