My Unspecialness

I don't think I'm special to pretty much anyone. Maybe my family, but besides that, no. I am not special. I'm just another idiot in the crowd. I do not stand out, just because I am shy, reserved, and don't SHOVE myself into focus in some idiotic plea for attention. No, I play it cool, chill, relax, and therefore I'm ignored, invisible, and forgotten, and I'm fucking tired of it.

Why can't I be special to anyone? Why can't I be important? Why can't ANYONE go out of their way to help me, besides maybe one or two people that are nearly the ONLY exceptions. Why am I doomed to be forgotten, invisible, and ignored, even when I DO put out effort to do the opposite? To be ACTUALLY noticed, helped, and appreciated? I just don't fucking know, and don't fucking understand whatsoever.

I hate looking around, seeing different websites, messages, comments, etc, where people care about one another, leave thoughtful messages for one another, are playful and cutesy and having fun, when I get NONE of that. I have no relationship with ANYONE, especially a girl, where I can go back and forth like that and truly feel like someone cares about me. I'm always looking around with envy of all the things, the relationships, everything that others have, I don't, and they are TOTALLY unappreciative of, and underestimate like fucking crazy. They take it all for granted, like it's the easiest, most simple thing in the world, meanwhile I DON'T have that, and it drives me nuts.

I have friends, sure, but almost NONE of which I think truly care about me. I'm just here, just around, once in a while, and besides that, no one gives a fuck. They're too "busy" to care about me, even when I'm like CRYING OUT FOR HELP! I don't know what the fuck to do to get people to fucking NOTICE ME, but I'm nearly at the point of NEVER caring again. I mean, why bother when shit will never change? Why give a fuck at all when no one APPARENTLY gives a fuck about me? It's not goddamn worth the effort to even THINK about anymore.

Tomorrow, I'm gonna go out and support one of my friends, someone I care about, someone I wish, no, I'd DIE to have a REAL friendship with, but either way, it's probably not going to matter. I'm going out of my way for someone, to see them, taking interest in things they have worked hard on, unlike MOST people do to me, like the VAST majority, but it still won't matter. It'll PROBABLY be a waste of my time, but whatever. I want to support my friend, whether I see her or not, so I will. Won't matter, but... bleh.

I also won't give up on this blog. Sure, it may be 99% bitching and negativity, but hey, that's me, and no one's reading it anyway, so FUCK IT! Might as well vent every single evening with whatever problem, one of MILLIONS, that I have that night. Fun, fun, fun... :(

My Frustration

I write in this blog every single night now, and have been for the last month or so. I try to write cool stuff, interesting stuff, stuff related to my story, or poetry, or "deep" confessions about my feelings, or the events of my life, or WHATEVER, but since nothing happens in my life, I can't write story shit anymore, and I'm not great at making up poetry on the fly, every single FUCKING night I have NO fucking clue what to write. I think and think, and lately pick an idea and go with it for about a paragraph before I realize it's PURE SHIT.

The ONLY good things I write are my ramblings (shockingly enough, look at the title of my blog) where I just write and write and write off the top of my head and don't even care. It's not meant to be deep or meaningful or whatever, just LASHING OUT about whatever's on my mind, MOST of the time which is bad shit.

I've just grown to HATE this blogging, even though I SHOULD love it, and mostly cuz it's goddamn pointless. No one is reading this, no one cares what I do or what I care about or seemingly MUCH about me, so why the fuck bother? It's just me writing shit for myself without REAL meaning, and I already think my own thoughts ALL FUCKING DAY LONG, so... yes, almost completely pointless. Sure, sometimes I feel a TINY bit better after I write something, and a few blogs WERE cool story stuff, but people STILL wont read it. No matter what, people DON'T give a shit about me or the things that I work SO fucking hard on. Jesus christ, I'm pissed off.

Okay... FUCK. I guess I'm just gonna stop there cuz I'm too angry to think of ANYTHING worthwhile to write now that I bitched some more, aka "whined" but it doesn't fucking matter anyway. I'm gonna go read some more Anita Blake, which is FUCKING AWESOME, aka the OPPOSITE of the horrible piece of fucking shit known as Twilight, then sleep a few hours, then EARLY brunch before I feel like shit all day and wait around for the wrestling show that evening. Let's PRAY that goes well, otherwise I'll hit rock bottom AGAIN and goddamn, I don't know if my mind can handle any more bad news. I'm fucking miserable enough as it is.

P.S. Fucking fuck, do I hate my life. And fuck you for not caring about me.

My Quotes

She couldn't look into his eyes anymore as she lowered her head in sadness and uttered, "People always leave..."

*****

"I'm different from when I left. I'm no longer the shy, reserved, little wuss that wasn't man enough for you. Now I'm older, wiser, more mature, and stronger. I am much stronger. I can be the man you need now, I promise."

*****

"Why won't you love me?"
"I do..."
"No you don't. Quit lying to me. Quit with your fucking lying. You don't need to 'protect' me anymore. Just be honest with me and tell me how you REALLY feel."
"I'm not protecting you..."
"BULLSHIT! You know me better than anyone ever has before and even YOU don't love me! What is wrong with me? Just tell me what's wrong with me and I'll change. I promise, I'll change. Just love me, please..."

*****

"Why can't you just be happy?"
"I just can't!"
"Why do you always have to sabotage your happiness when you find even a TINY bit of it?"
"I don't know! I'm just fucked up!"

*****

"I'm fucking done..."

*****

"I'm tired of you. Go away. Leave me alone."

*****

"Stop fucking with me!"

*****

"I've been dreaming about this for so long. You have no idea. I just never thought that I'd be dancing with you..."

*****

"You have to stop running away from your problems from now on, and face them head-on. That is the ONLY way that you'll EVER have a chance to be happy."
"I'm afraid..."
"I know, but just remember that I'll always be here to help you. I promise."

*****

"Why bother spending time with her or trying to make her happy? She'll never love me anyway..."

*****

"Even if it makes me 'happy' in the moment, it's just giving me false hope in the end."

*****

"You seem more... outgoing."

*****

"We're not meant to be..."

My Scatterbrain

Since, again, I have NO clue what to write tonight, I'm just gonna post a bunch of random thoughts. Basically just whatever comes to my head.

First, my arm/neck/shoulder hurts AS USUAL. It's seeming to get better, but not fast enough. I've had this shit before, so it's PROBABLY gonna be lingering my entire life, I'm guessing. Speaking of things NOT healing, the HUGE bruise on my right arm, one of the biggest I've ever seen on me in my life, or really anyone I can think of, is STILL not fully healed yet. The lump's still kinda there, a little, and the right-half is gone, but the left is still dark purple , slowly fading away, and ALL from swinging on the swings like now almost three weeks ago? Really? If so, goddamn.

I'm always right, but when I'm REALLY right, when I'm sure about something and see it RIGHT before my eyes, goddamn, it makes me feel good. I'm fucking BRILLIANT, and it sucks that SO few people realize it, or truly compliment me on it either. Hell, the ONLY compliments I get are about my "brains" and even then, it's rare.

Bleh. People RARELY fucking talk about me, and then when I hear ACTUAL "evidence" of it, it's fuckin stupid shit. Some stupid girl blabbing about all the school loans I have, like it's her fucking business. No talk about my novel, my photography, my smarts, my kindness, my helpfulness, patience, understanding, and a TRILLION other awesome things about me. Nope, JUST my goddamn loans. Fantastic. Now people who hear that have this bad thought in their head about me, like I'm "bad" with money, when the problem is, I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY! If I EVER had any, and when I DO have any, I'm actually GOOD with it, so it's all fucking retarded and pisses me the fuck off. Fuck them and their stupid blabby mouths. I'm awesome, so spread the word, fuckers.

At this point, I've been up like almost 21 hours, from 10am Sunday til now, 6:36am. I'm feeling out of it, often fucking up on my typing, but hey, good for me. I'm a... something.

Yeah, I'm too tired, so I'll just be done here. Decent day, MORE shit got cancelled (SHOCKING!!!) but hey, life goes on. Hopefully things will EVENTUALLY happen and get better. We'll see, as I keep on saying at the end of these blogs...