All he wanted to do was hold her. He wanted to touch her, to stare into her eyes, to know that she loved him as much as he loved her. He wanted... no, needed to know that. He needed her, and needed to know that she needed him too.
He wanted to walk down the street and feel her hand reaching for his, holding hands together so happily as they walked along. He wanted to sit together, her lying against his chest, feeling her heart beating in tune with his own. He wanted to lay in bed, his arms wrapped around her, the sweet scent of her hair filling him with happiness. He wanted to see how comfortable she was with him, how much she trusted him, felt safe with him, and knew that everything would be all right as long as she was there with him.
He wanted to be the first thing she thought of when she woke in the morning, and the last thing she thought about when she went to bed at night. He wanted to know that she was always happy with him, always felt better when she was with him, and he could always cheer her up when she was down. He wanted her to see how beautiful she was through his eyes, and know that he would always love her.
He wanted so much from her, so much for her, but... deep down, feared that he'd never be anything at all to her. He feared he was nothing to the girl that he cared about more than anything, and a tear ran down his cheek as he lowered his head in sadness.
Showing posts with label happy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label happy. Show all posts
Monday, October 20, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
My Friend
When I first met her, she seemed so distant, so sad, so alone. I tried my best to be nice to her, to be friendly, to show her I care, and she began to open up before my very eyes. I could see something in her. Something special. Something wonderful. Something absolutely amazing and breathtaking. Then she got weird again.
It's as if there's a switch in her brain and with me, she's one way, and around others, she's someone else. I don't know who she is, or at least who she's trying to be, but somehow, someway, I think I can see the REAL her deep down, staring deeply into her eyes, and she's... beautiful.
I was her friend, and I think possibly the only one she had. We spent a lot of time together, got close, talked about ourselves, though me a lot more than her. The more we spoke, the more we connected, and the more she opened up to me, like a blooming flower. She'd be weird around others, but with me, only me, she would open up, and although she didn't talk about herself too much, I could see far more in her eyes than what she said with words. Soon, I liked nothing better than to just stare into her eyes, feeling like I could see all the way down to her soul, and she would always smile at me when I looked at her that way. I would then smile too, and I felt truly happy.
I miss her now. I had to leave. I had no choice, really. As much as I wanted to stay, there were more important things out there in the world, though I promised I'd return to her one day. And I will. I never break my promises. I also promised to write her every single day, and find some way to deliver the letters to her, no matter where I travelled. We shall see if she gets those letters, and when, but eventually, I'm sure she will. I care about my friend, even... love her, I think, and I will never stop feeling that way about her as long as I live.
So, to my friend, I would like to say that... I love you, and I can't wait to stare into your eyes again, see that smile of yours, and smile back with all the happiness in my heart. Until then...
It's as if there's a switch in her brain and with me, she's one way, and around others, she's someone else. I don't know who she is, or at least who she's trying to be, but somehow, someway, I think I can see the REAL her deep down, staring deeply into her eyes, and she's... beautiful.
I was her friend, and I think possibly the only one she had. We spent a lot of time together, got close, talked about ourselves, though me a lot more than her. The more we spoke, the more we connected, and the more she opened up to me, like a blooming flower. She'd be weird around others, but with me, only me, she would open up, and although she didn't talk about herself too much, I could see far more in her eyes than what she said with words. Soon, I liked nothing better than to just stare into her eyes, feeling like I could see all the way down to her soul, and she would always smile at me when I looked at her that way. I would then smile too, and I felt truly happy.
I miss her now. I had to leave. I had no choice, really. As much as I wanted to stay, there were more important things out there in the world, though I promised I'd return to her one day. And I will. I never break my promises. I also promised to write her every single day, and find some way to deliver the letters to her, no matter where I travelled. We shall see if she gets those letters, and when, but eventually, I'm sure she will. I care about my friend, even... love her, I think, and I will never stop feeling that way about her as long as I live.
So, to my friend, I would like to say that... I love you, and I can't wait to stare into your eyes again, see that smile of yours, and smile back with all the happiness in my heart. Until then...
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
My Wonderings
Lately I've kinda wondered about something, even though it's probably something that's been deep down inside of me for a long time. I wonder if anyone will ever be as interested in me as I am interested in them. Numerous times in my life have I met people who draw my attention, whether it be a guy, girl, friend, stranger, or otherwise. In my spare time (of which I have a lot of it, sadly) I will maybe think about them, wonder about what they're doing, if they're having fun, or they're upset, or whatever they're feeling at that very moment, just randomly.
With the invention of the Internet comes even more to do besides simply THINK about people, but to check out their websites, their blogs, photos, and tons of other crap people post from their personal, and not so personal lives. Again, when I'm bored, I'll roam around sometimes, see things, read things, and kinda "learn" things about people, and it's all very interesting to get a little look into their lives.
Anywhore, while I don't do it TOO often, but once in a while, I'm just curious if anyone is ever that interested in me. I wonder if people ever randomly go to MY websites, web pages, photos, blogs, writings, posts, bulletins, and all the other crap I post online, and just see it, read it, and "learn" things about me. I wonder if people are interested at all, or am I completely on my own in the way I am, and in HOW many ways am I completely unique from others? Is the rest of the world made up of people who just post things and then wait for others to be interested in them, or does it go the other way?
Has anyone ever, for example, read any of my blogs that I've posted through the years, about various things, and thought differently about me after they read it than compared to before that point? Have they thought better of me? Worse? Do they appreciate me more, or less? Do they ever feel like they know me better having read it, than as compared to never reading it in the first place? Is posting blogs or photos or anything REALLY worth it at all? I mean, if no one checks them out, if it affects nothing, and if it's not ENTIRELY to entertain myself, then yes, theoretically, if no one cares, then it's a huge waste of my time. And yes, I have LOTS of time, but that still doesn't mean I should waste it all away with crap that doesn't matter.
Those are just some things I wonder to myself, and over the years, I still haven't figured out an answer. Here and there I get responses to things I post, but the VAST majority of the time, I don't. And I never really get any REALLY positive responses from things, even though I feel I post some worthwhile things, at least some of the time. Even this blog is, well, so far, PURELY for me, but eventually, sure, I'd like people to know about it, to read it, to enjoy kinda "getting in my head" a bit. I feel I'm a very interesting person, and people SHOULD be interested in me, so if they're not, is that my fault, or theirs?
As I've said in the past, for example, you can be the MOST confident person in the world, but if no one knows of your talents, if you have no way to showcase your skills and abilities, does your confidence even matter at all? The best musician in the world is nothing without an audience to KNOW his greatness. Same for anything else in this world, so even if I AM a great writer, or even if I DO take great photographs, or if I AM a great person, caring, understanding, considerate, reasonable, fair, and TONS of other good things, does it really matter if almost no one acknowledges those things about me? Or hell, even barely acknowledges me at all? I already have low enough self-esteem as it is, so when people make me feel invisible, that's the LAST thing I need.
Well, I don't want this "wondering" blog to roam into a "bitching" blog, but yeah, again, those are just some of the MANY things I wonder not only about myself, but about the world. Most of all, I wonder if I'll ever meet anyone who will TRULY understand me as a person. Who will respect me, appreciate me, and for everything, from my physical appearance all the way down to my "soul". Now yes, I'm more refering to a "girl" than anything, but people in general who would understand and accept me, and LIKE me a lot, consider me an important person in their life, that would be GREAT too, but yeah... mostly the girl thing, lol
So far, I don't really think I've met any girl who's even CLOSE to that "magickal" girl that's the "right one" for me out there, or maybe I have, but just don't realize it, or haven't spent enough time with her, or a MILLION other reasons. I really don't know much, as I'm still almost like a child when it comes to the "opposite sex", but I'm just hoping I CAN meet some girl, some great girl, sweet, kind, pretty, and MOST of all, ACTUALLY cares about me, truly, deeply, and really inspires me to be the best version of myself that I can possibly be. Maybe that'll be at least ONE of the "keys" for me to be "happy", and not just temporarily, like after watching a good movie, eating some good food, or... other crap.
End of ramble, and maybe I'll post some more wonderings next time, cuz I've honestly been having a hard time thinking of things to write about each evening before bed. I'm just hoping it gets easier as I get more into the "groove" of it. Til then...
With the invention of the Internet comes even more to do besides simply THINK about people, but to check out their websites, their blogs, photos, and tons of other crap people post from their personal, and not so personal lives. Again, when I'm bored, I'll roam around sometimes, see things, read things, and kinda "learn" things about people, and it's all very interesting to get a little look into their lives.
Anywhore, while I don't do it TOO often, but once in a while, I'm just curious if anyone is ever that interested in me. I wonder if people ever randomly go to MY websites, web pages, photos, blogs, writings, posts, bulletins, and all the other crap I post online, and just see it, read it, and "learn" things about me. I wonder if people are interested at all, or am I completely on my own in the way I am, and in HOW many ways am I completely unique from others? Is the rest of the world made up of people who just post things and then wait for others to be interested in them, or does it go the other way?
Has anyone ever, for example, read any of my blogs that I've posted through the years, about various things, and thought differently about me after they read it than compared to before that point? Have they thought better of me? Worse? Do they appreciate me more, or less? Do they ever feel like they know me better having read it, than as compared to never reading it in the first place? Is posting blogs or photos or anything REALLY worth it at all? I mean, if no one checks them out, if it affects nothing, and if it's not ENTIRELY to entertain myself, then yes, theoretically, if no one cares, then it's a huge waste of my time. And yes, I have LOTS of time, but that still doesn't mean I should waste it all away with crap that doesn't matter.
Those are just some things I wonder to myself, and over the years, I still haven't figured out an answer. Here and there I get responses to things I post, but the VAST majority of the time, I don't. And I never really get any REALLY positive responses from things, even though I feel I post some worthwhile things, at least some of the time. Even this blog is, well, so far, PURELY for me, but eventually, sure, I'd like people to know about it, to read it, to enjoy kinda "getting in my head" a bit. I feel I'm a very interesting person, and people SHOULD be interested in me, so if they're not, is that my fault, or theirs?
As I've said in the past, for example, you can be the MOST confident person in the world, but if no one knows of your talents, if you have no way to showcase your skills and abilities, does your confidence even matter at all? The best musician in the world is nothing without an audience to KNOW his greatness. Same for anything else in this world, so even if I AM a great writer, or even if I DO take great photographs, or if I AM a great person, caring, understanding, considerate, reasonable, fair, and TONS of other good things, does it really matter if almost no one acknowledges those things about me? Or hell, even barely acknowledges me at all? I already have low enough self-esteem as it is, so when people make me feel invisible, that's the LAST thing I need.
Well, I don't want this "wondering" blog to roam into a "bitching" blog, but yeah, again, those are just some of the MANY things I wonder not only about myself, but about the world. Most of all, I wonder if I'll ever meet anyone who will TRULY understand me as a person. Who will respect me, appreciate me, and for everything, from my physical appearance all the way down to my "soul". Now yes, I'm more refering to a "girl" than anything, but people in general who would understand and accept me, and LIKE me a lot, consider me an important person in their life, that would be GREAT too, but yeah... mostly the girl thing, lol
So far, I don't really think I've met any girl who's even CLOSE to that "magickal" girl that's the "right one" for me out there, or maybe I have, but just don't realize it, or haven't spent enough time with her, or a MILLION other reasons. I really don't know much, as I'm still almost like a child when it comes to the "opposite sex", but I'm just hoping I CAN meet some girl, some great girl, sweet, kind, pretty, and MOST of all, ACTUALLY cares about me, truly, deeply, and really inspires me to be the best version of myself that I can possibly be. Maybe that'll be at least ONE of the "keys" for me to be "happy", and not just temporarily, like after watching a good movie, eating some good food, or... other crap.
End of ramble, and maybe I'll post some more wonderings next time, cuz I've honestly been having a hard time thinking of things to write about each evening before bed. I'm just hoping it gets easier as I get more into the "groove" of it. Til then...
Monday, September 29, 2008
My Good Day
I had a good day today. Very productive and I think definitely one of those "first days of the rest of your life". Not necessarily THE first day, but one of them. I do feel like things are moving forward again after all the bad luck lately. I know how good doing photography makes me feel, so I'm going to keep doing it as much as I can and hopefully get better and better and better, and hopefully regularly.
Photography makes me feel better about myself, and directly, than I think I've ever experienced from anything. My story has always given me hope, kinda pushed me to think of different things, to express myself in a new way, my hopes and dreams and stuff, and basically how I would make things go if I had control of my own fantasy world. My story has been a huge part of my life for the last ten or more years, and will probably ALWAYS be important to me, but I now realize that until they're published, my books, I should say, they won't be relevant to anything, really. People can't care until they read it, and they're NOT gonna read it til it's published. No biggie. Whatever. I could give a shit anymore, cuz when they ARE published, they're gonna be great, and all those IDIOTS who didn't read it before will be regretting it in the long run.
Anyway, photography lets me DIRECTLY talk to people, especially attractive girls, which has always been a slightly awkward and VERY RARE thing for me. It also puts me in control of a situation where I work hard and push myself to come up with a creatively well-done final product, aka photos. I keep getting better at it, every single time I shoot, and the more and more I do Photoshop, I'm improving in that too, so good times both ways. Basically, the more I shoot, the more confident I get in my own abilities, and in myself in general. I'm discovering that photography is letting me grow as a person, and probably replacing all those "normal" years and experiences I SHOULD have had in high school or even college. It's pushing me to... well... PUSH other people, and just push for things in general that I want SO badly. It makes me persistant to get what I want and be a real "adult" by scheduling stuff and setting up things and all that crap that goes with "modeling". It's tough, ESPECIALLY for me, but I'm learning, and growing, and if I grow as much in 2009 as I have in 2008, or even MORE, good lord, things should be VERY good and HOPEFULLY I'll be really, really happy. Here's hoping...
Anyway, yeah, I love photography and I'm going to keep pushing and striving to get great at it so I can not only be happy and confident in my own abilities, but ALSO impress other people and FINALLY get the appreciation and compliments that I've deserved and needed for many, many years. Again, here's hoping...
Photography makes me feel better about myself, and directly, than I think I've ever experienced from anything. My story has always given me hope, kinda pushed me to think of different things, to express myself in a new way, my hopes and dreams and stuff, and basically how I would make things go if I had control of my own fantasy world. My story has been a huge part of my life for the last ten or more years, and will probably ALWAYS be important to me, but I now realize that until they're published, my books, I should say, they won't be relevant to anything, really. People can't care until they read it, and they're NOT gonna read it til it's published. No biggie. Whatever. I could give a shit anymore, cuz when they ARE published, they're gonna be great, and all those IDIOTS who didn't read it before will be regretting it in the long run.
Anyway, photography lets me DIRECTLY talk to people, especially attractive girls, which has always been a slightly awkward and VERY RARE thing for me. It also puts me in control of a situation where I work hard and push myself to come up with a creatively well-done final product, aka photos. I keep getting better at it, every single time I shoot, and the more and more I do Photoshop, I'm improving in that too, so good times both ways. Basically, the more I shoot, the more confident I get in my own abilities, and in myself in general. I'm discovering that photography is letting me grow as a person, and probably replacing all those "normal" years and experiences I SHOULD have had in high school or even college. It's pushing me to... well... PUSH other people, and just push for things in general that I want SO badly. It makes me persistant to get what I want and be a real "adult" by scheduling stuff and setting up things and all that crap that goes with "modeling". It's tough, ESPECIALLY for me, but I'm learning, and growing, and if I grow as much in 2009 as I have in 2008, or even MORE, good lord, things should be VERY good and HOPEFULLY I'll be really, really happy. Here's hoping...
Anyway, yeah, I love photography and I'm going to keep pushing and striving to get great at it so I can not only be happy and confident in my own abilities, but ALSO impress other people and FINALLY get the appreciation and compliments that I've deserved and needed for many, many years. Again, here's hoping...
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