My Hates

I hate girls. They make me stupid. I go from being all logical, smart, mature, and then I see one, a cute one, some girl that I'm attracted to and I'm done. Even if I'm "angry" or "upset" with them in general, I see them in person again, hear them laugh, see them smile, and I turn into a pathetic little lovey-dovey puddle. I become SO stupid, getting these asinine thoughts like they'll EVER like me, when that's FULLY IMPOSSIBLE. Twenty-five fucking years and never had ANYTHING, so why the FUCK is that ever gonna change? I try, and I'm ignored and blown off. I don't try, and obviously nothing happens. Either way, I'm lonely and forgotten. I'm a good guy, so why the FUCK am I never "boyfriend-material"? Why hasn't ANY girl EVER thought I was cute? Sweet? A great guy? A great boyfriend?

I hate that nobody ever compliments me AT ALL besides my "smarts". It's like "oh, he gets good grades, so he's smart, so congrats for that" but BESIDES that, it's nothing. I get NOTHING. Twenty-five years and nothing. How goddamn pathetic is that? I am the BIGGEST loser that I know when it comes to girls. Hell, when it comes to almost ANYTHING! No job. Almost no money. I barely wanna leave the house anymore. I don't like most of my "friends". Nobody besides like my NEAREST family and another friend or two seem to care about me. I practically SCREAM out for help, for people to care, but nobody fucking does. I'm just constantly ignored, and I'm fucking TIRED of it. I'm SO tired of it that I'm giving up. I've been in this pit of depression for SO long that maybe I should just stay in it. Maybe I should just get used to how things are and never "dream" of anything more, cuz I'm not gonna get it. No girl's gonna like me. I'm never gonna have a girlfriend. No first kiss. Nothing. Just emptiness and misery for me.

And I hate that maybe... maybe it all makes sense. Maybe I'm SUCH a loser that no girl has ever, and WILL ever like me. I mean, it's no wonder no girl has when I'm so pathetic. I'm goddamn miserable, and even when I've come across girls who are seemingly miserable too, can "feel my pain" so to speak, I've gone OUT OF MY WAY to talk to them, to be nice, to be kind, to show I'm a good guy, just to talk to them, and even THEY fucking shun me. I mean... WHAT THE FUCK? What the FUCK do I have to do to get ANYONE to fucking notice me? To notice my book? To notice those photos I took back when I used to GIVE A SHIT about photography and not HATE it cuz IT JUST ADDS TO MY DEPRESSION!!!

I hate people in general. They all treat me like shit when I deserve to be treated MUCH goddamn better. And they even treat other people wrong, like one of the best people I know. Sure, he's rough around the edges, but nobody EVER gives him ANY fucking attention. He's ACTUALLY grown up and improved and is a good person overall, but meanwhile, DOES ANYONE BUT ME GIVE A SHIT? SERIOUSLY? I mean, the VAST majority of my friends are fucking MORONS who are just SO fucking content to keep working the same shitty job and never strive for ANYTHING more than that. They settle for some dumpy/fat/ugly boyfriend/girlfriend JUST so that they won't be lonely, and then meanwhile THRIVE on fucking drama. This person's with her, she cheated on him, he's with this OTHER girl, they argued, there was a big blowup in public, BLAH BLAH BLAH!!! STOP WITH THE STUPID FUCKING DRAMA, YOU FUCKING IDIOTS, AND PAY ATTENTION TO ME AND MY FRIEND AND THOSE PEOPLE WHO DESERVE IT! I mean, CHRIST, MOST people I know are fucking pathetic. Sure, I'M pathetic too for having SO much potential, being SO awesome, but meanwhile I almost FULLY doubt myself in most things, so... it's just ALL goddamn stupid. The morons are happy and thriving on bullshit, and the GOOD people are fucking ignored. HOW FUCKING AWESOME THIS BEAUTIFUL WORLD IS!!!

I also hate that I've been writing sporadically in this blog for a couple months now and nobody fucking cares. I've had links posted to this place for a while, and I can almost GUARANTEE nobody reads it. People check their FUCKING GAYSPACES EVERY FUCKING THREE MINUTES, but they can't read my blog where I pour out my heart and soul and want people to understand me better, deep down? Really? IS EVERYONE SO FUCKING SELFISH??? Meanwhile my OWN mother told me recently that I'd changed, and that I'd become very self-centered. I was goddamn floored. ME? SELF-CENTERED? I have helped people FAR too many times than I can remember, and gone out of my way to help a friend, or not quite friends, family, etc, a TON of times with NO repercussions asked back at all. I don't even mention it. I just do it, don't bitch, and make them happy. I don't even do it for me. I honestly don't get much happiness out of helping people too often, so why do I do it? Cuz it's the right thing to do. People ask, and I do it. Fucking simple. I do it for no reason other than that. They ask, I do it. So I'm selfless, pretty much, but at the same time... I'M SELF-CENTERED? COME ON NOW! If being self-centered means doing stuff for EVERYONE else for years, and now FINALLY thinking about myself, how to improve my OWN situation, to do things for ME and make ME happy and productive and successful, then fine, I'M FUCKING SELF-CENTERED! I ADMIT IT!!!

I hate the word "busy". Everyone and their GODDAMN mother uses that excuse anymore for practically EVERYTHING. Can you read some of my story for me and give me feedback? "Busy". You available to do a photo shoot for me? "Busy". Wanna hang out? "Busy". Busy, busy, FUCKING busy!!! I mean, seriously, is EVERYONE on this fucking planet THAT fucking busy? I can understand MULTI-MILLIONAIRES being busy running their corporations, unless they pay a bunch of lackeys to do it for them, or even other major, important people, various celebrities, etc, but NOBODY I know is ANYTHING close to that. So why the fuck is EVERYONE so fucking busy? Wait... I'm coming to some interesting theory... How about... EVERYONE'S FULL OF SHIT? I think I hit that one perfectly. Sure, people have work, school, etc, but that does NOT take up ALL of your goddamn time, you liars.

I hate how people PRETEND to be "busy" but in reality, they're just full of shit. If you spend time REGULARLY checking your GaySpace for hours, clicking that refresh button every 30 seconds, or wasting time fucking around at the bowling alley, or at the bar, at some stupid club, wasting ALL that time on stupid NON-CONSTRUCTIVE SHIT, then you have PLENTY of time to help out your supposed "friend" aka ME!!! The TRUTH is, if you REALLY gave a shit about me, you would have already set up a shoot with me, or read my book, given me feedback, or just wanna spend time with me. But no, you like to just hide behind that word, "busy", so that you don't have to be HONEST and say that you don't WANT to do a shoot with me, or you don't WANT to read my book, or you don't WANT to hang out, or anything else. Or maybe you wouldn't mind, but in reality, I don't fucking matter enough for you to fit me into your "busy" schedule, so you just give me that stupid fucking word and then I'm supposed to be like "oh, that's fine. I'm patient and caring and understanding. No big deal. We can do that another time" when that OTHER time NEVER fucking comes. Fucking nice of you, liars. How about you just be HONEST with me, and EVERYONE else, and stop leading people on and jerking them around, cuz I'm fucking TIRED of it.

I hate being a "nice guy" cuz all it does is get me FUCKING IGNORED. Everyone else is "busy" and selfish as FUCK, meanwhile they're having the time of their goddamn lives. Going out all the time, blowing money, going to concerts and parties and drinking and buying stupid shit, not thinking AT ALL about the future, meanwhile I'm sitting at home, doing what I'm SUPPOSED to be doing, aka NOT blowing money and instead loaning what little money I have to my parents to help the family get by, NOT out gallivanting and being a fucking MORON, and what do I get? IGNORED! FORGOTTEN! SHUNNED!

I HATE how this world is that the good people get fucking blown off while the ASSHOLES and BITCHES are practically worshipped. It's fucking retarded, and fucking cruel. I just know I've been nice for FAR too long, so now, now I'm not gonna be so nice. I'll be nice to those who DESERVE it, but in general, FUCK YOU. I'm not doing shit for anyone unless I KNOW they're gonna do the same back. If not, fuck them, they don't deserve my kindness, my understanding, my patience, and anything else. I'm tired of being used, stepped on, and then left in the fucking dust while you go fuck around with stupid shit that won't matter a week from now. I'm working HARD on things for my future, IMPORTANT things, and nobody gives a flying fuck. FUCKING awesome. And thanks.

Let's just say I hate how people don't understand me, and don't realize how HUGELY important it is when I contact someone out of the blue. I typically don't do that, like... .EVER, so when I DO, it fucking MEANS SOMETHING! When I contact someone to hang out, especially some girl, it means a fucking lot. I'm a shy guy, very nervous about MOST girls, especially ones I "like" so when I go out of my way to contact one, ask to hang out, to do something together, to spend time with one another, that's like any other person going bungie-jumping, or hang-gliding, or mountain-climbing, aka FUCKING SCARY! It takes almost ALL my will to push myself to do something like that, to go out of my way, on my own, for someone, to ask them almost anything, and that's on a GOOD day. On bad days, I can't do shit, and just sit here in my computer chair like a depressed little puddle, thinking, and BELIEVING that I'll never meet a girl who likes me, and will never be happy. I get those thoughts ALL the time, and as the days, the weeks, the months, and years go by, it's getting worse and worse. Again, I'm 25 years old and have NO experience with the opposite sex. None. Name something and I can almost GUARANTEE I haven't done it. Guaranteed, and that's fucking sad, so yeah, I just wish people would fucking UNDERSTAND me, and realize that when I contact them out of the blue, it means the FUCKING world, cuz I don't do that almost ever. Seriously, appreciate it, and appreciate me.

I also hate the goddamn holidays, cuz all it does is make the happy people happier and the miserable people even MORE fucking miserable. It reminds people like me that we're alone, angry, hateful, and have NOBODY to share the "special times" with. I've been lonely and MISERABLE for EVERY fucking Christmas that I can remember, so FUCK Christmas until some goddamn SAINT comes along who FINALLY likes me like a BOYFRIEND and not just "like a brother" or "like a friend" or what the FUCK ever. Fuck the holidays, cuz they fucking suck. Bah humbug...

My Venting

Do I really matter? How much do I mean to people? I mean, I'm not asking if I were dead, or to die, would people care, but seriously, how much do I affect people? Let's say I left right now on a trip and was gone for a few months, how much would things change? Who would be sad to see me gone and look forward to seeing me when I got back? Who would even care about the details of this random trip where I'd be gone, when I'm ALWAYS home and going on some trip like that would SO totally not be like me? Does anything I do, any effort I put out, does any of it REALLY matter?

Seriously. I mean, I've been writing these blogs for a month or so now, doing for me and purely me, but now, I've been posting some links on MySpace, kinda slightly "advertising" for it, and nothing. Nothing I EVER do, no matter HOW much effort I put out, it's like NOTHING fucking matters. Nothing at all. I could try a little, try a lot, or not try at all, and either way, people don't give a shit and nothing matters. Apparently I don't matter.

I ask for help, I try to help people, I'm a good person overall, and ANYONE can see that, but meanwhile I'm ignored, forgotten, left behind, and from what I see, nobody cares about me. Sure, they wouldn't want me hurt or whatever, but they don't REALLY care. They're not REALLY friends who help out when help is needed, which I GREATLY need as of late with my entire life being flushed down the goddamn toilet, but no, they're not there to help me. I help and try and put out effort, am SO fucking nice, NEVER nag people, but people SOMEHOW ignore me? I don't fucking understand it.

If I found out that ANY of my friends were in the situation I was in, I'd do SOMETHING to help them out, even the TINIEST thing so they'd know that SOMEBODY out there actually cares about them. But no, I get nothing. I ask for comments for my photos, and nothing. I ask for people to read my book, and give feedback, but again, nothing. I ask for ANY kind of help with web design, or finding clients, or getting girls to model for me, and a few other IMPORTANT things, but no, again, NOTHING. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND IT. And even though I'm rambling on about this, blogging my TRUE thoughts about things that REALLY anger me, upset me, frustrate me, and HIGHLY confuse me, does it even matter anyway? Am I wasting my goddamn time blogging about something that will NEVER change no matter what I do? Seriously fucking seems like it to me.

Why don't people come to me to ask for help? For advice? Why don't people care about me enough to help me out with my problems? Why are people APPARENTLY so consumed with their own lives, and often their own retarded drama that they aren't even willing to help me out when I'm the NICEST fucking guy I know? I'm not asking for brain surgery here, or even large sums of money, or THOUSANDS of hours of time and effort. No, I'm asking for SIMPLE shit, basically for people to care, and they can't even fucking do THAT for me. Am I not worth it? Do I not deserve people's attention? Am I the same with people in general now that I am with girls, where I'm practically ignored and shunned? Somebody tell me, cuz I'm fucking lost.

I'm seriously at PROBABLY the lowest point of my entire life, and have been for months, and I'm telling people my problems, I'm hinting at things, I'm sometimes BLATENTLY saying that I'm miserable, but what has come of it? ALMOST NOTHING! Nothing when I'm seriously miserable and depressed and I feel like I'm losing everything I care about, and nearly have no hope left. Things are HORRIBLE for me, with VERY few things that make me happy anymore, and I'm asking for help, but no one is willing to help me. Things keep falling through, nearly everything sucks, and I don't know what to do.

I've been bitching about the LACK of caring about my books for months, and nothing. I've been taking photos for months and BARELY anyone notices or cares. I mean, what the FUCK do I have to do to get some goddamn attention? Just cuz I'm reserved DOESN'T mean I should be fucking overlooked, taken for granted, and unappreciated! I am a TREMENDOUSLY great person, but I only know of a handful of people that I can say HONESTLY know me and appreciate me. The rest, I have no clue, and I'm sure they don't appreciate me. Sure of it.

I just don't know what to say or do anymore, cuz nothing seems to work out, nobody gives a flying fuck unless it DIRECTLY helps them, and life PRETTY much sucks. Sure, there's little "happy times" here and there, as to be expected, but MOST of the time, I'm not in a good goddamn mood, and disappointed in nearly everything and everyone for failing me, when I should be doing a TON better in my life right now than I currently am, jobless, broke, and can't even find any girls willing to take photos with me so I can do one of the ONLY things I even fucking enjoy anymore: Photography. I try and try, push and push, not TOO much, but enough, but no matter what, I'm ignored, blown off, and forgotten.

How the fuck do people get a message from me asking for IMPORTANT stuff, they read it, and then NEVER goddamn respond? How the fuck is that possible? How are people SO fucking self-consumed or, as they say, "busy" that they can get an IMPORTANT message from me and NEVER bother responding? I do NOT understand how anyone can do that, especially friends. Sure, I may not respond ASAP, but EVENTUALLY, I ALWAYS get back to people, cuz I FUCKING CARE!

I guess I'm nearly the only one. I guess nearly EVERYONE else just doesn't give a fuck about anything NOT directly relating to themselves. I guess my awesomeness doesn't even matter, just like I don't matter, so what the fuck ever. Fuck it. I should just stop caring, stop bitching, cuz nothing's gonna change either way. Try or not, put out effort or not, I can't rely on 99% of people in this world, so I might as well not even bother.

Goddamn, I feel like shit, and it's all cuz of a certain girl I care about and me realizing there is NOTHING I can do to help her, even though I'd do almost ANYTHING to make her feel even a TINY bit better. It's so fucking pathetic and I feel so fucking useless. She's so great, and still upset about something, and I am nothing to her, just like I'm nothing to PRACTICALLY everyone. I feel so bad, all of a sudden, that I could almost cry... :(