I like myself, at least some aspects, but deep down, I don't think I like myself very much. I not only have some body issues and often times dislike my appearance, but I also hate all the weak parts of myself that mask and hold down the GREAT parts of me that EVERYONE should see and love. And like they say, if I don't like myself, how can I EVER expect some sweet, caring, and wonderful girl to EVER like me either? Hell, ANY girl? Meanwhile, in order for me to like myself, I think I NEED a girl to care about me, so I can see my own self-worth through their eyes, so to speak, so therefore it's a huge fucking Catch-22, aka I'm eternally fucked.
I feel like shit tonight. I had a really sad, yet wonderful (at the end) dream last night, and forgot about it all day, until just earlier. I was thinking it over in my head and it brought tears to my eyes, realizing how sad it was, and how fantastically happy I felt at the end of it. And most of all, how TOTALLY unhappy I am in real life, and the growing fear that I'll never be that happy, no matter how long I live.
Basically, there's this girl. I really like her, like in a way I've NEVER liked a girl before. Usually they're really pretty, or nice to me, caring, or I feel like they know me and still don't SHUN me, or something, but this girl... She's just something else. She's so unique, and crazy, and goofy, and funny, and just awesome. I think we meshed really well what little bit we did spend time together, but as of late, I've barely seen her. I've been doing my best to try to spend time with her, to even see her AT ALL, but like almost all things in my life, it's ended in utter failure, over and over and over. So, back to the dream...
I'm in some building with lots of doors, some in front leading to the outside, and many inside, going all over the place. It's not supposed to feel like a maze, but to me, it is. I'm constantly going through door after door, searching for this girl. Every single time it seems I'm about to FINALLY catch her, she gets away again. I call out her name, asking for her to stop, to just talk to me for a minute, cuz I miss her, I want to look into her eyes, just see her for a moment. I follow her throughout the building, door after door after door, and each time I get close, she slips away again. The building is empty, but for some reason, I just can't catch her, but I keep trying. I do NOT give up, even though I'm tired, depressed, and nearly crying from frustration and sadness of not being able to see her.
I follow and follow and follow, and finally, I see her go through the front doors. I BURST out after her, and FINALLY catch her. I grab her by the arm, turning her towards me and stare deeply into her eyes. I see her smile, which draws a smile from me as well. I tell her how glad I am to finally see her, to talk to her, cuz she's been gone so long. I say how much I've missed her, and simply reach out to hug her. I wrap my arms around her back, holding her tightly, and feel her arms go around me. We hold each other tightly, and the hug, the embrace, it seems to go on forever. It's like time is frozen around us, and I simply look down at her, gazing into her eyes, and both of us are nothing but happy. I FINALLY feel happy, finally, as I can't even think of what to tell her now, and then... I wake up.
It was a wonderful dream that didn't really affect me earlier, just after I got up, but earlier, and now, it's just... so touching. I didn't realize I liked that girl as much as I apparently do, but nonetheless, I gotta let her go. She's just too good for me, too awesome, too out of my reach, literally and metaphorically, and will forever be, so all I can do is wish her the best and move on, trying to forget about her the best I can. I wish she could know how highly I think of her, but I doubt she ever will. I also hope she's happy no matter where she is or what she does, cuz she's just a great person, and I'm not sure I'll ever meet a girl like her ever again.
So to her, I say goodbye.
Showing posts with label real world. Show all posts
Showing posts with label real world. Show all posts
Friday, October 31, 2008
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
My Realization
Well, it wasn't quite ME who originally came up with this realization, but it's very valid no less. I kinda already knew, deep down, I think, but not until I heard SOMEONE ELSE say it did I realize how true it was.
I am a student. School is where I succeed, excel, and most of all, belong. Years back, I was discussing school with my grandma when she asked if I missed it. Thinking about it only for a moment, I agreed I did, and today, hearing that ever since I finished school two years ago I've been lost and directionless, I realized that was totally true.
I've always been good in school. I get good grades, I pay attention damn well, and I've aced more tests than I can count. I've almost ALWAYS been the best student in all my classes, unless I either didn't care about the subject, or someone else was an ass kisser or OVERDID it. I've always been known as the smart kid, the one who does best on the tests, who doesn't have to study very much to ace all the exams and I do all my homework PRETTY easily and with little effort, minus all the time it took. I've just always been good in school.
The problem is, when I got OUT of school, while MOST people generally AREN'T so good at school, but then excel OUTSIDE of it, I was pretty much fucked after my final graduation two years back. I never learned how to really go out there and GET that job I worked my butt off, so to speak, and learned all that crap in school for. It was like my focus was the learning and the schooling, rather than what happens AFTER school is over. I wasn't working hard for some end goal, really, but enjoying the learning process along the way. Now I'm a student, out of school, so out of the environment where I excel, so yeah, bad times.
When I graduated, I wasn't really happy, I now remember. It sucked losing all my new friends, those I'd spent the last two years with, and it sucked the graduation before THAT one too, losing all of THOSE friends I'd spent the previous two years with. I was at ITT for four years, and I really, REALLY enjoyed my time there, even though the schooling generally sucked, minus a few awesome teachers who went above and beyond what the books told them to teach us and actually gave us real-world knowledge, cuz the entire experience was just so... easy and felt like it was meant to be.
Through high school, I never had any REAL goals for what I was gonna do after I graduated, but when they built an ITT Tech just down the road from my house, it was just... perfect. I was the first student to sign up, from what I recall, and I was pretty much the BEST damn student they had for their first four years. I watched the school grow from like two sets of students into MANY students, along with the building itself growing, and since then, has grown even further. Anyway, I learned a lot, and enjoyed my time there, but unfortunately, the degrees didn't mean shit and now I'm like $60,000+ into debt thanks to school loans (fuckin' Sallie Mae...) Awesome. Just awesome...
I don't think I would have done anything any differently had I known anyway, cuz I did enjoy it, met some good people, one of which I still work with now as we're both busting our asses every single fucking day to make ourselves successful and HOPEFULLY earn a bunch of cash in the process, to both pay off our loans and fulfill some other interests along the way.
So yeah, I'm a student at heart, I guess, so now being in the "real world" and ALSO having the economy suck fucking ass, especially here in shitty Michigan, things suck. I do miss school, I realize, and badly, and if I could go back, I probably would. I just love the entire experience of school, no matter how hard the classes, whatever the content we're learning, or whatever. School is fun, and most of all, it was one of the ONLY places where I had regular positive attention, both in my grades, my hard work, and just being smart in general.
Nowadays, seemingly no matter WHAT I do, no matter how hard I bust my ass, almost no one seems to care. It can be my writing, my photography, or anything else, really, and people just don't give a fuck, and that's sad. Really, REALLY sad. I'm now in the "real world" and apparently in the "real world" people just don't care.
That's enough for today. Time to read and forget about the "real world" for a while, cuz yeah, it sucks.
I am a student. School is where I succeed, excel, and most of all, belong. Years back, I was discussing school with my grandma when she asked if I missed it. Thinking about it only for a moment, I agreed I did, and today, hearing that ever since I finished school two years ago I've been lost and directionless, I realized that was totally true.
I've always been good in school. I get good grades, I pay attention damn well, and I've aced more tests than I can count. I've almost ALWAYS been the best student in all my classes, unless I either didn't care about the subject, or someone else was an ass kisser or OVERDID it. I've always been known as the smart kid, the one who does best on the tests, who doesn't have to study very much to ace all the exams and I do all my homework PRETTY easily and with little effort, minus all the time it took. I've just always been good in school.
The problem is, when I got OUT of school, while MOST people generally AREN'T so good at school, but then excel OUTSIDE of it, I was pretty much fucked after my final graduation two years back. I never learned how to really go out there and GET that job I worked my butt off, so to speak, and learned all that crap in school for. It was like my focus was the learning and the schooling, rather than what happens AFTER school is over. I wasn't working hard for some end goal, really, but enjoying the learning process along the way. Now I'm a student, out of school, so out of the environment where I excel, so yeah, bad times.
When I graduated, I wasn't really happy, I now remember. It sucked losing all my new friends, those I'd spent the last two years with, and it sucked the graduation before THAT one too, losing all of THOSE friends I'd spent the previous two years with. I was at ITT for four years, and I really, REALLY enjoyed my time there, even though the schooling generally sucked, minus a few awesome teachers who went above and beyond what the books told them to teach us and actually gave us real-world knowledge, cuz the entire experience was just so... easy and felt like it was meant to be.
Through high school, I never had any REAL goals for what I was gonna do after I graduated, but when they built an ITT Tech just down the road from my house, it was just... perfect. I was the first student to sign up, from what I recall, and I was pretty much the BEST damn student they had for their first four years. I watched the school grow from like two sets of students into MANY students, along with the building itself growing, and since then, has grown even further. Anyway, I learned a lot, and enjoyed my time there, but unfortunately, the degrees didn't mean shit and now I'm like $60,000+ into debt thanks to school loans (fuckin' Sallie Mae...) Awesome. Just awesome...
I don't think I would have done anything any differently had I known anyway, cuz I did enjoy it, met some good people, one of which I still work with now as we're both busting our asses every single fucking day to make ourselves successful and HOPEFULLY earn a bunch of cash in the process, to both pay off our loans and fulfill some other interests along the way.
So yeah, I'm a student at heart, I guess, so now being in the "real world" and ALSO having the economy suck fucking ass, especially here in shitty Michigan, things suck. I do miss school, I realize, and badly, and if I could go back, I probably would. I just love the entire experience of school, no matter how hard the classes, whatever the content we're learning, or whatever. School is fun, and most of all, it was one of the ONLY places where I had regular positive attention, both in my grades, my hard work, and just being smart in general.
Nowadays, seemingly no matter WHAT I do, no matter how hard I bust my ass, almost no one seems to care. It can be my writing, my photography, or anything else, really, and people just don't give a fuck, and that's sad. Really, REALLY sad. I'm now in the "real world" and apparently in the "real world" people just don't care.
That's enough for today. Time to read and forget about the "real world" for a while, cuz yeah, it sucks.
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