Her

I dreamed of her again. It's been a while since the last time. This one was simple, though it's already foggy in my head from when I awoke half a day ago. I believe it was just her and I, the two of us, hanging out. I don't know where, I don't know when or how, but I don't think any of that mattered. All that mattered was that we were together. I was in her presence, and she in mine. It was nice, but when I woke, I was sad. Sad again. Sad thinking of her and what she meant to me way back when.

I know what the dream means. It's not quite that I miss her, though I may. It's that I'm so desperate, so lonesome, so hopeless anymore that I'm reaching back, trying to go back in time and grab on to anything that made me feel better than I do now. She hurt me so badly, worse than she'll ever know. She left a festering wound in my "heart", or what's left of it, that, at this rate, will never heal. Even after all that, I'm desperate enough to reach out to her to give me even a sliver of comfort. To grab on to that hope that maybe, just maybe she liked me. That maybe, just maybe ANY girl ever liked me. To give myself even the tiniest bit of self-esteem instead of all the self-loathing I've been consumed with for years. But no, it's pointless. She never liked me. No girl ever liked me. That is a fact that will continue on and on until... I don't know when.

Today was one of those dark days. Those days where you wake up groggy, sluggish, and never feel right all day. It wasn't the dream, though that certainly didn't help. It really wasn't anything in particular. It just... was. Probably the results of my overall "life" weighing down on me. The nonstop nothingness, all my effort wasted no matter what I do. It left me in a dark, dark place. Very bleak, little to no hope, thinking that I might as well not even try anymore. I may not even live anymore, and I know that's a horrible thought. But everything feels so pointless. Such a waste of time. I'm too much of a burden on everyone, especially myself. I just...

I hate myself. I hate everything that I've become. I hate how all of my potential was pissed away with the passing of time. I'm nothing anymore. I'm barely living. I'm a shell. I'm surprised I breathe. I'm surprised my heart still beats. I feel so hollow. I hate how I feel. I hate it so much.

I hate the world. I hate how the world truly turned out to be. I hate how hopeful I was, bright-eyed and naive, and now I realize how shitty this world is. I hate how illogical everything is. How unfair, how unbalanced, how goddamn fucking stupid the world is. Good people are shafted and evil people prosper. Hard work doesn't pay off. Being lazy, putting out sub-par work is completely and utterly acceptable. Why bother busting your ass when you'll get nothing out if it? I don't see the point anymore.

I hate everyone for ignoring me, for neglecting me. I hate how they go on with their lives, their shitty jobs, their shallow, stupid relationships, and don't even notice how far I've fallen. None of them know how truly depressed I am. And if they do know, they don't fucking show it. They are assholes. They are selfish. They are pieces of shit. Yet I'm desperate for their attention. Even the tiniest bit would make me feel as if I have a reason for existing anymore.

Why do I exist? Why is it that my best friend, Eric Braunstein, died eight and a half years ago, yet I'm still alive? Why? I'm fairly sure he would have graduated from college, met a nice girl, settled down, gotten married, probably would have had a kid or two by now. He could have had a life. While I have no life, almost no friends, no females who give a fucking shit about me EVER, I get to keep on "living". But he didn't? I don't understand it. Why him? Why me? They say God does everything for a reason, but why the FUCK did he do that???

And I really hate how I've been bitching about these same problems for over five years now. Five fucking years, and no fucking change. I'm still lonely. I'm still miserable. I'm still without any sense of a "relationship". No girl I've ever been interested in has been interested in me. No girl AT ALL has ever liked me. I stay at home all the time, though I don't have much of a choice in that regard. I don't have a job. I try to do things to make money, like websites or photography or now Android apps, but it's a waste of time, it seems, just like everything else I do. When will things change? When will things EVER FUCKING CHANGE, GODDAMMIT???

I need God to give me a purpose. I need a sign. I need someone to tell me why I still exist on this earth when people like my best friend are dead, and have been dead for a long time. I don't understand. I need to have a reason. I need to have hope. I need to have something, anything that'll keep me going, cuz I'm running out of energy. Running out of effort. I'm afraid that before too long, I'll do nothing. Absolutely nothing. I'll lay in bed all day long, every day, and let the rest of my years slip away.

And the worst part? Nobody will even notice. :(

*****

By the way, haven't used this blog in about two years. Feel pretty bad about that. Maybe I can post my thoughts on here more than once every 700 days or so. Hopefully not all SUPER DEPRESSING stuff, though. That'd be nice.

My Crazy, Crappity Evening

Okay, so the day started fine. Got up, played some VC, helped out with stupid cable problems, and then ate a little and left with my friend to see a movie that my friend was going to be in. We drove well over an hour to get there, with confusing zig-zag directions, and tons of stupid construction blocking off most of our paths the closer we got to our destination. That part was annoying, sure, but fun enough, as he said, "an adventure".

We finally arrived, parked across the street from the theater, and thought we were like 20 minutes late at that point. There had been confusing times for the movie, either 8pm or 9pm, and it was conflicting, and yes, as I said, confusing. We got there about 8:20pm and FORTUNATELY, when we walked up, it said 9pm movie start, so we had some time to blow. We walked down to the bookstore, roamed around a bit, then headed back. At the entrance, we spotted our friend, said hello, each got a short hug before she said she was off to fix some emergency and promised she'd be back. We went inside, bought our tix, and waited for the show to begin. Sadly, that is when EVERYTHING went to complete and utter shit.

Movie was supposed to start at 9:10pm, but at like 9:30pm, they said the problem was that they didn't have the movie to show. They were retreiving it, I guess, and said another half hour. I was fine with that, we were there, and already it took an hour to get to the theater, so we could wait an hour for the actual movie to start up. I was cool, just found somewhere to stand and patiently waited, enjoying a bit looking around at all the freaky people there, and surprisingly, quite a few hot chicks. It was nice. I kept checking the clock, and 10pm turned to 10:15, then 10:30, and soon 10:45, and at that point, being left all alone, bored as fuck, and hearing some news I did NOT like to hear, I was fucking done.

I already didn't give a shit about the movie, BESIDES the fact that my friend was in it, then add in my WORSENING mood to my boredom and aching body from standing for a while, then sitting awkwardly and painfully for nearly two hours and GODDAMN, I wanted to fucking go ASAP. Fortunately, my friend was willing to go, even JUST as the movie was finally there and people were lining up to watch.

I ONLY went there to support our friend and her movie that I know she'd worked hard on, and ended up wasting two hours, was totally alienated and alone, and only saw her for a GRAND total of 30 seconds, which was 30 seconds more than I'd seen her in the last nearly four months. So yeah, it sucked fucking ass. I was miserable ON TOP of my normal misery and depression, but I did feel really bad that I seemed to have dragged my friend down by "being myself" and asking to leave RIGHT as the movie was going to start. I just had to leave, so I'm very thankful to him that he was willing to go, cuz I'm sure 99% of people in this world woudn't have done that for me.

Anyway, we left, and within minutes, I felt a TON better. I avoided saying "bye" to our friend, cuz I didn't want to disappoint her knowing that we bailed out on seeing the movie. I don't care WHAT excuse we would have said in front of her, none of it would have been good enough for her. I felt horrible for ditching, but I felt BEYOND horrible already, so instead I just fled, pretty much. Anywhore, we were on the road again, and I felt nearly normal. We jumped on the freeway to get back "home" and after driving and driving and driving, seeming like the right direction, BAM, I look up to see Ford Field. Yes, we'd ended up in Detroit, which is NOT where we were heading, so yeah, MORE suck on TOP of an already sucky night. Fortunately, I called my bro and he sent us back on the right track.

It took a while to find the ACTUAL route back onto the freeway, but we managed, and after problem after problem, freak out after freak out (me freaking out at the theater, and then him freaking out cuz we almost got into an accident), we were FINALLY back to familiar territory. Then we hung out at the bowling alley some, then back here, watched an AMAZING episode of Impact (ha, sarcasm) and now blogging about one of the craziest, and crappiest nights I've had in a long time.

Looking back, I can say that dealing with SO much shitty shit in one evening made me REALLY enjoy being home. It also made me kinda try to focus on things that matter in my life, which is work for now, and HOPEFULLY doing some more photography if ANY goddamn girl is EVER willing to shoot with me EVER again. It honestly wasn't COMPLETELY horrible, cuz having an "adventure" with my friend was fun, and overall, it wasn't too bad. Many parts sucked, and I'd NEVER repeat it, but I guess I can look on the bright side now that I'm home and warm in my jammies (he he). I'm gonna try to do some constructive stuff the next few days and just see what happens. Pretty simple.

Plus, it feels good to FINALLY have some kind of "event" in my life that I can come home and blog about! YIPPIE!!1