My Would-Have-Beens

I realized last night that my life is full of too many "would-have-beens" and not enough "was's". What I mean is that things come along, opportunities, chances, events, and while I HOPE to be included, to go along, to have fun, things MOST of the time just magickally don't work out. It's always like "man, that party would have awesome" or "shooting with that model would have been SO great for my portfolio" or "getting that job would have been great for me" and MILLIONS of other examples, many of which just in the last few months. I SOOOOO rarely go "holy shit, that show was great" or "that shoot with her was fantastic" or "hanging out the other night was so much fun" and that really shows how my life is, and has been for as long as I can remember.

A lot of people would tell me "you just don't try" but the thing is, I HAVE been. I've been going out of my way, pushing for things the last few months to a year more than I EVER have before. The problem is, when you push for something, it's not ONLY relying on you for whatever it is to happen or take place. No, part of it relies on someone else, and THAT is where things fall through for me. I try, I push, I nudge along, I am persistant, or at least moreso than ever before, but in the end, it doesn't happen. SO rarely does anything I want happen, and the more I want it, the LESS likely it is to happen. Sure, I may not try ENOUGH, I may not push ENOUGH, but goddammit, I'm doing it more than ever, and people gotta realize that. PLUS they gotta realize that whether they call it luck or fate or whatever, it's VERY shitty for me, and most things just fall apart right before my eyes. No matter the effort, the planning, the pushing, the drive, the motivation, it doesn't work, and goddamn has that hurt me more than almost anyone will ever know the last few months.

It doesn't matter what it's about. It could be about my novel that I'm trying to finish and publish. It could be my photography, trying to set up shoots with girls to gain some experience, to improve on my skills, to learn and get better and better so I can EVENTUALLY make some money and make some awesome art in the process. It could be a lot of things, but almost always, it fails. I just don't know how much more I can push for the things that I want, asking for favors, contacting people, trying to schedule things, all for it to be pointless in the end when nothing works out. Okay, not NOTHING, but damn close. Almost the ONLY things that actually do work out are the things that OTHER people, like my friend Matt does, and schedules, and includes me in on it. THOSE seem to work, every now and then, but just me? Me alone? Nope, failure, and goddamn, that both pisses me off and makes me SO depressed.

I thought for years that my ONLY problem was that I was too shy, I didn't try enough, I didn't push hard enough for what I want, but this year, I've pushed and strived and worked harder than I think I EVER have in my life, and I have so little to show for it. Personally, I'm growing, and that's fantastic, but I've had a MILLION failures across the board of things I've pushed for, and only a few successes, and even those were small, usually, and few and far between. Most of the failures are just people contacting me back in the first place to allow ANYTHING to happen at all, cuz no matter how much I write, or how little, how nice I am, how direct I am, angry, forceful, patient, understanding, 99.213% of the time, people get my messages, read them, and then NEVER fucking bother to write back. What the flying fuck? If I was a complete stranger, sure, I could imagine not getting a response back, but I'M THEIR FRIEND! MY OWN FRIENDS DON'T CONTACT ME BACK ABOUT SUPER IMPORTANT SHIT IN MY LIFE!!! How the FUCK is that even possible?

I'm not gonna rant (at least not any further) even though I could without ANY effort, but I will end things with my original point. Too often in my life I keep getting those "would-have-beens" and almost NO "was's" and I'm really curious if things will ever change. If they do, what goddamn point do I have to reach when they DO change and when things ACTUALLY start to get better for me in my life? I really, REALLY wanna know, cuz I've been hitting a brick wall for months now and I'm not sure whether I have the effort to EXPLODE with fury to everyone and everything, or just give up, falling to the ground, tears in my eyes as I completely give up and never have the effort to try again. I really, really don't know... :(