My Unspecialness

I don't think I'm special to pretty much anyone. Maybe my family, but besides that, no. I am not special. I'm just another idiot in the crowd. I do not stand out, just because I am shy, reserved, and don't SHOVE myself into focus in some idiotic plea for attention. No, I play it cool, chill, relax, and therefore I'm ignored, invisible, and forgotten, and I'm fucking tired of it.

Why can't I be special to anyone? Why can't I be important? Why can't ANYONE go out of their way to help me, besides maybe one or two people that are nearly the ONLY exceptions. Why am I doomed to be forgotten, invisible, and ignored, even when I DO put out effort to do the opposite? To be ACTUALLY noticed, helped, and appreciated? I just don't fucking know, and don't fucking understand whatsoever.

I hate looking around, seeing different websites, messages, comments, etc, where people care about one another, leave thoughtful messages for one another, are playful and cutesy and having fun, when I get NONE of that. I have no relationship with ANYONE, especially a girl, where I can go back and forth like that and truly feel like someone cares about me. I'm always looking around with envy of all the things, the relationships, everything that others have, I don't, and they are TOTALLY unappreciative of, and underestimate like fucking crazy. They take it all for granted, like it's the easiest, most simple thing in the world, meanwhile I DON'T have that, and it drives me nuts.

I have friends, sure, but almost NONE of which I think truly care about me. I'm just here, just around, once in a while, and besides that, no one gives a fuck. They're too "busy" to care about me, even when I'm like CRYING OUT FOR HELP! I don't know what the fuck to do to get people to fucking NOTICE ME, but I'm nearly at the point of NEVER caring again. I mean, why bother when shit will never change? Why give a fuck at all when no one APPARENTLY gives a fuck about me? It's not goddamn worth the effort to even THINK about anymore.

Tomorrow, I'm gonna go out and support one of my friends, someone I care about, someone I wish, no, I'd DIE to have a REAL friendship with, but either way, it's probably not going to matter. I'm going out of my way for someone, to see them, taking interest in things they have worked hard on, unlike MOST people do to me, like the VAST majority, but it still won't matter. It'll PROBABLY be a waste of my time, but whatever. I want to support my friend, whether I see her or not, so I will. Won't matter, but... bleh.

I also won't give up on this blog. Sure, it may be 99% bitching and negativity, but hey, that's me, and no one's reading it anyway, so FUCK IT! Might as well vent every single evening with whatever problem, one of MILLIONS, that I have that night. Fun, fun, fun... :(

My Frustration

I write in this blog every single night now, and have been for the last month or so. I try to write cool stuff, interesting stuff, stuff related to my story, or poetry, or "deep" confessions about my feelings, or the events of my life, or WHATEVER, but since nothing happens in my life, I can't write story shit anymore, and I'm not great at making up poetry on the fly, every single FUCKING night I have NO fucking clue what to write. I think and think, and lately pick an idea and go with it for about a paragraph before I realize it's PURE SHIT.

The ONLY good things I write are my ramblings (shockingly enough, look at the title of my blog) where I just write and write and write off the top of my head and don't even care. It's not meant to be deep or meaningful or whatever, just LASHING OUT about whatever's on my mind, MOST of the time which is bad shit.

I've just grown to HATE this blogging, even though I SHOULD love it, and mostly cuz it's goddamn pointless. No one is reading this, no one cares what I do or what I care about or seemingly MUCH about me, so why the fuck bother? It's just me writing shit for myself without REAL meaning, and I already think my own thoughts ALL FUCKING DAY LONG, so... yes, almost completely pointless. Sure, sometimes I feel a TINY bit better after I write something, and a few blogs WERE cool story stuff, but people STILL wont read it. No matter what, people DON'T give a shit about me or the things that I work SO fucking hard on. Jesus christ, I'm pissed off.

Okay... FUCK. I guess I'm just gonna stop there cuz I'm too angry to think of ANYTHING worthwhile to write now that I bitched some more, aka "whined" but it doesn't fucking matter anyway. I'm gonna go read some more Anita Blake, which is FUCKING AWESOME, aka the OPPOSITE of the horrible piece of fucking shit known as Twilight, then sleep a few hours, then EARLY brunch before I feel like shit all day and wait around for the wrestling show that evening. Let's PRAY that goes well, otherwise I'll hit rock bottom AGAIN and goddamn, I don't know if my mind can handle any more bad news. I'm fucking miserable enough as it is.

P.S. Fucking fuck, do I hate my life. And fuck you for not caring about me.

My Sadness

I'm feeling sad again. I originally wrote "depressed" but that's more my normal mood, and tonight, I just feel sad. Sad about numerous things, a few sad revelations I discovered today, and drifting back into some old sad things.

Family problems are often the hardest we can deal with, and even though my family's good, probably one of the BEST I know, we obviously have our own. I've just realized today that nobody can fucking compromise, nobody REALLY talks and discusses issues in order to solve them, and even though I'm LITERALLY a goddamn fucking genius, most people don't listen to me. Well, DUH to the last thing, cuz I've known that for a while now, but the first two are new.

Compromise is important in relationships to help things run smoothly and HOPEFULLY keep everyone happy. When people don't talk, don't figure out what each person can deal with in order not to "rock the boat" there are problems, and they keep growing and growing, and horrible things come of it, like people say things they don't mean, and things are just fucking ruined. I TRY to make people discuss, but again, like usual, I'm blown off.

I'm just fucking tired of it, tired of being me for how I'm treated, even though me as a person is FANTASTIC. I want people to STOP treating me the way they do and GODDAMN APPRECIATE ME. Listen to me, pay attention to what I say, especially my advice which is great and balanced and unbiased, and just fucking DO it. But no...

I don't want to be too specific about this next realization, but let's just say that I've discovered that someone I was VERY much into isn't quite as great as I'd originally thought. Again, I've "idealized" someone, when in reality, they're not really... I guess what would be good for me, or what I want, or something. I'm not really sure how to explain it, but there are just some odd things, and... yeah, so good times, now I'm officially crushless again. Better to be alone and "crushless" than "into" someone I have NO hope to ever be with (aka all girls, no matter what), so I guess that's a GOOD thing, right? Better to have no hope than false hope. At least that's what I think.

I'm also sad that I miss someone. We've had a rocky relationship, from barely anything for years to "friends" and then I was HOPING more, but no, it wasn't meant to be, I guess. Either way, then it got bad, we weren't on speaking terms for a while, then back on, then back off again. I've had some of the most fun moments of my life with her, moments where I got to be a normal person, going out, hanging out at places, eating food, going to movies, spending quality time with someone I care about, and just... living. Few things truly make me feel like I'm "living" but spending time with her was one of those things, each and every time. It probably didn't mean much to her, and people doing the same stuff as I did then but ALL the time probably don't appreciate it, but I just loved it. It made me feel so good, so happy, so real, like I was a normal person, doing normal things, and had some girl who ACTUALLY cared about me for ONCE in my sorry excuse for a life. Sure, lots of bad stuff happened AROUND those fun times, but, I think, in the end, it was worth it, and now, she's gone.

She's moved away, and I have no one to spend time with anymore. She was an important part of me, in so many ways that I can't even describe, and for a long time, years and years, but now with her gone... it's just not good. I WAS happy originally, not having to "deal" with her anymore, our issues with each other, but now I truly miss her. I'm sure she'd realize how much I've changed since she last saw me, probably in a few moments, and hopefully make me feel a LITTLE better about myself, and things in general. Anyway, yeah, I miss her, and honestly can't wait to see her again. I'm just hoping, nearly PRAYING that being around her again, I can stop being miserable for a short while, even, and just "live".

I just feel... quiet and sad. And tired, but not for any REAL reason as I got plenty of sleep and didn't do shit today. I barely feel like talking, or chatting, or much of anything, really. I guess my mind's just realizing AGAIN that nothing is moving, no actual movement in my life, and with the family issues that I gotta fucking deal with now, and being "crushless" and FRUSTRATED with no one ever contacting me back to do anything to help me with things I DESPERATELY fucking need... I'm just sad.

Things are bad, I'm sad, and I really don't know what to do again. But it's different, like I'm not angry about it, right this second, but just overall sad. I feel like I could cry my eyes out with just the right thing to "set me off" and... kinda want to, really. I could use a good cry after all I've been through lately. I've already broken down like three times, officially, in the last few months, so I might as well make it four.

I just feel... cold. Chills, up and down my spine. And totally, totally sad. :(