My Unspecialness

I don't think I'm special to pretty much anyone. Maybe my family, but besides that, no. I am not special. I'm just another idiot in the crowd. I do not stand out, just because I am shy, reserved, and don't SHOVE myself into focus in some idiotic plea for attention. No, I play it cool, chill, relax, and therefore I'm ignored, invisible, and forgotten, and I'm fucking tired of it.

Why can't I be special to anyone? Why can't I be important? Why can't ANYONE go out of their way to help me, besides maybe one or two people that are nearly the ONLY exceptions. Why am I doomed to be forgotten, invisible, and ignored, even when I DO put out effort to do the opposite? To be ACTUALLY noticed, helped, and appreciated? I just don't fucking know, and don't fucking understand whatsoever.

I hate looking around, seeing different websites, messages, comments, etc, where people care about one another, leave thoughtful messages for one another, are playful and cutesy and having fun, when I get NONE of that. I have no relationship with ANYONE, especially a girl, where I can go back and forth like that and truly feel like someone cares about me. I'm always looking around with envy of all the things, the relationships, everything that others have, I don't, and they are TOTALLY unappreciative of, and underestimate like fucking crazy. They take it all for granted, like it's the easiest, most simple thing in the world, meanwhile I DON'T have that, and it drives me nuts.

I have friends, sure, but almost NONE of which I think truly care about me. I'm just here, just around, once in a while, and besides that, no one gives a fuck. They're too "busy" to care about me, even when I'm like CRYING OUT FOR HELP! I don't know what the fuck to do to get people to fucking NOTICE ME, but I'm nearly at the point of NEVER caring again. I mean, why bother when shit will never change? Why give a fuck at all when no one APPARENTLY gives a fuck about me? It's not goddamn worth the effort to even THINK about anymore.

Tomorrow, I'm gonna go out and support one of my friends, someone I care about, someone I wish, no, I'd DIE to have a REAL friendship with, but either way, it's probably not going to matter. I'm going out of my way for someone, to see them, taking interest in things they have worked hard on, unlike MOST people do to me, like the VAST majority, but it still won't matter. It'll PROBABLY be a waste of my time, but whatever. I want to support my friend, whether I see her or not, so I will. Won't matter, but... bleh.

I also won't give up on this blog. Sure, it may be 99% bitching and negativity, but hey, that's me, and no one's reading it anyway, so FUCK IT! Might as well vent every single evening with whatever problem, one of MILLIONS, that I have that night. Fun, fun, fun... :(

My Friend

When I first met her, she seemed so distant, so sad, so alone. I tried my best to be nice to her, to be friendly, to show her I care, and she began to open up before my very eyes. I could see something in her. Something special. Something wonderful. Something absolutely amazing and breathtaking. Then she got weird again.

It's as if there's a switch in her brain and with me, she's one way, and around others, she's someone else. I don't know who she is, or at least who she's trying to be, but somehow, someway, I think I can see the REAL her deep down, staring deeply into her eyes, and she's... beautiful.

I was her friend, and I think possibly the only one she had. We spent a lot of time together, got close, talked about ourselves, though me a lot more than her. The more we spoke, the more we connected, and the more she opened up to me, like a blooming flower. She'd be weird around others, but with me, only me, she would open up, and although she didn't talk about herself too much, I could see far more in her eyes than what she said with words. Soon, I liked nothing better than to just stare into her eyes, feeling like I could see all the way down to her soul, and she would always smile at me when I looked at her that way. I would then smile too, and I felt truly happy.

I miss her now. I had to leave. I had no choice, really. As much as I wanted to stay, there were more important things out there in the world, though I promised I'd return to her one day. And I will. I never break my promises. I also promised to write her every single day, and find some way to deliver the letters to her, no matter where I travelled. We shall see if she gets those letters, and when, but eventually, I'm sure she will. I care about my friend, even... love her, I think, and I will never stop feeling that way about her as long as I live.

So, to my friend, I would like to say that... I love you, and I can't wait to stare into your eyes again, see that smile of yours, and smile back with all the happiness in my heart. Until then...