My Failures

Every single year, whenever the weather changes from generally "warm" to generally "cold" such as spring and fall, mostly around April and October, I almost always get bad allergy crap. Today was the first day of that, I believe, unless I'm getting sick, which I PRAY I'm not, as this is the night before my birthday, and being sick on my birthday would suck, ESPECIALLY on top of all the bullshit lately.

I don't ever recall being "sick" on my birthday, so that's good, but unfortunately, maybe my "good luck" (me? good luck? HA!) has run out. If so, whatever, I can always do shit another day, as nothing is "set in stone" but it'll still suck in principle. I'm just hoping it's plain-old allergy crap so I'll just have to blow my nose a few times for a few days and be "okay" in no time.

I'm obviously discussing this, my nose problem that I've been dealing with today, cuz I... don't know what else to write about. Been a pretty normal day, aka boring and PRETTY much pointless, as almost nothing "constructive" took place, which is what I usually do anymore. I wanted to write some cool story-thing about a "sickness" but maybe I can do that later, as I don't really feel like it right now. I just know that I gotta keep my streak going and I'm not gonna skip a day cuz "I don't feel good." I'm good enough to type, so I'm good enough to blog.

Hopefully tomorrow's a fun day, as it'll be the first day in a long, LONG time where I honestly don't give a shit about spending any money. If I'm gonna have a day where I have fun and spend a little money to do so, then my birthday it is, so I really don't care. I've been miserable and not doing ANYTHING lately, so I deserve this, aka "fuck it".

Other than my nose problems today, I'm feeling my little bit of "drive" lately slipping away, back to "normalcy". LOTS of waiting on LOTS of things that aren't anywhere near "concrete" so yeah, it sucks ass. I just fucking HATE when I try to so something, and it fails. I barely ever "try" so when I do, why the FUCK does it have to FAIL 99% of the time, and it's not even MY fucking fault! I call someone, and they don't pick up the phone. I message someone, and they read it, but never bother to message me back, even when I ask for something SPECIFIC that I need to be answered. Someone sets something up with me, and then cancels, or "something comes up" or "they're busy" or whatever else. Either way, almost no matter what I do, things seem to fail, and it bothers me most that it isn't MY failure, but all because of someone else.

Now, this is the point where I theoretically should go "well, fuck people then, they're unreliable, they let me down, so don't depend on them" but in this world, you MUST rely on people! That's the whole goddamn point! If everyone could live on their COMPLETE own, there would be no reason for families, for friends, for bosses, co-workers, lovers, or anything else. Relationships in general would be pointless.

Human beings thrive, I believe, because we rely on one another to help us in ways that we can't do on our own. You can't teach yourself to be a good person. Your family raises you to do that. You can't comfort yourself when you're feeling down. That's what friends are for. You can't give yourself a job and pay yourself for everything you need. That's what bosses are for. You can't do ALL portions of your job completely by yourself, and that's what co-workers are for. And you can't have sex with yourself (well, not REAL sex, anyway) so that's where lovers come in. There are a MILLION different relationships in this world, and they are all important in their own ways, which is why I, like EVERYBODY, MUST rely on others for many, many things. And that is why, as usual, I'm fucked.

I'm not exactly sure why, or what it is about me, but apparently I'm not important enough, or people don't care enough, or people are too "busy" ALL the fucking time, or SOMETHING, but people don't bother to help me out the VAST majority of the time. I try, and try, and try, I put myself out there, I contact people, I leave messages, call every now and then, and I get only the TINIEST percentage of effort returned. I just don't understand how someone can get an important message from someone, ESPECIALLY someone they care about, like a friend or whatever, and not even bother to respond back, like... at all. They read it, and then for SOME reason, they just never bother to contact the person back.

Maybe it's just me, but either way, it drives me FUCKING INSANE. That is SO shitty and after I BARELY ever put out the effort to contact people, when I FINALLY fucking do, they DON'T BOTHER RESPONDING BACK? SERIOUSLY? When it takes a couple minutes TOPS to write back and answer some simple fucking questions or issues or whatever, WHY THE FUCK NOT? I'm not asking for a goddamn "article" or "novel" back, just a minute or two of their PRECIOUS time to respond back about shit that's important enough for me to go OUT OF MY WAY to contact them about. I just don't get it...

And wow, that went off on a rant. Good times. This probably won't be the LAST time I bitch about being ignored, but I certainly fucking hope it is, cuz I'm not sure how much more I can take. :(