My Neverending Spiral

A year. That's how long it's been since I've posted in this blog. Give or take. So what has changed in the last year of my life? Not much. And what HAS changed has gotten undeniably worse. Not only are bad things happening to me, but now it seems my curse is spreading to those around me. My family, a friend, and I wouldn't doubt others, even. Things are worse right now than I can ever remember them being. It feels like there's a ticking clock, slowly counting down to bad, bad things. Even worse than now, and there's nothing I can do. Everything I've tried has failed. Every single attempt, completely pointless. Meaningless, and a waste of effort, of which I no longer have much. I'm just tired, and almost all my hope for the future has washed away. Right down the drain. Right along with all that "potential" I used to have.

I just feel so shitty. I tried to cheer myself up with a little chocolate treat, but all it's done is leave me with a disgusting feeling in my stomach and hating myself for even eating it in the first place. That's how most of my life feels like anymore. Sure, I may get tiny moments of enjoyment, distraction from this shitty, often uncaring world, but in the end, I feel miserable again and hate myself for even bothering. I just don't see the point. Sure, I got out once in a while, like tonight. Watched a VERY disappointing PPV with all my "friends", but in the end, here I am. Here I sit, miserable as always. If not worse.

I've realized how as the further I fall into the black hole that is my life, the more my mind is reaching, reaching back for even the TINIEST things from my past, whether they were good things or not. Reaching back for people, even girls who have ultimately shunned me, hurt me, and left me worse after all was said and done. Girls who broke my heart, and I THOUGHT I was over years ago. For some reason, in my sadness, in all this loneliness, I find myself thinking of them. And I hate it. And most of all, I hate myself for even bothering.

Why care about a few bitches in my past who treated me like shit in their various, uncaring and selfish ways? Why even CONSIDER the idea of trying to reach out to them again after so long? What are they gonna do for me? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, that's for sure. They will only hurt me, and my memories of the pain they caused me is the primary reason I'm not trying. I think of it often, but I'm doing nothing but thinking. I know they will hurt me again, and I know how afterward, I will be left an even more pathetic pile of nothing than I am even now, as we speak.

But still, I think of them, even if I'm SURE they're never thinking of me. It's never "Hey, I wonder how Marshall's doing?" or "I haven't heard from Marsh in a long time." or anything similar. No, I'm sure my name hasn't crossed their minds in a long, long time. I'm nothing to them. I never was, and never will be. But still, knowing that, I think of them, my shattered, darkened heart desperate for ANYTHING to make me feel even a SHRED better for a single moment. Even just a kind response by text, or a quick conversation in person, anything would theoretically bring me out of my darkness for a SPLIT second. But no. That's so unlikely. They don't care about me. No matter how much I may have cared for them, they do NOT care about me in the slightest.

I hate myself for how far I've fallen. And I hate the world for not realizing my fall, or even that I'm not "fine" at all. Nobody asks. Nobody seems to care. I've heard they do "care", or "they're trying" even if they've done NOTHING different in the last few years than ever before. "They just don't know what to do," they tell me. "They don't know how to help you." Bleh. Bleh, bleh, bleh.

And I'd like to know how a certain someone can be "trying" with me when they've done NOTHING AT ALL. NOTHING. Not ONE fucking thing. No phone calls, no text messages, no emails, NOTHING at all. Even in my presence, the bitch didn't do a GODDAMN thing. Just talked quietly with someone else about me, wondering why I was being all quiet and distant.

I honestly don't know exactly WHY I acted that way, or even why I did something similar today, practically unable to look the girl straight in the face, but that's how it was. I'm awkward. I'm uncomfortable with them. Maybe it's lingering feelings, or the discomfort of being in their vicinity, or simply my shyness from my earlier years coming back. I don't know, but I DO know that I've been distant from both girls on a couple of occasions, and I... I don't know. I can't explain why. I just know I feel shitty, and these girls, girls I've had feelings for in the past, maybe still do, are doing something to me, affecting me in ways I cannot explain. I'm not a bad guy for those actions. I'm just still a shy little boy without ANY experience with a female to speak of. So fuck you if you don't like it, because it's not like I'm doing it purposely. Try stepping in my shoes for ONE fucking day and tell me you'd do anything ANY differently.

:(

My Nervousness

There she is. Not even twenty feet from me, but it doesn't matter. Five feet or five miles, neither makes a difference in the end. I'm too frightened to ever talk to her. As much as I'd LOVE to, as much as having her acknowledge me, even with one single look, a single smile, would light me up and make me happier than I've been in years, I just... can't. I'm terrified. She intimidates me. There are about a million things I can think of off the top of my head that I'd be more willing to do than just walk the few feet between us and say a simple "hi".

I don't know what's wrong with me, but that's just how I am. I just can't have anything to do with her. People ask if I'm afraid of rejection, and honestly, thinking about it, I'm really not. I mean, if she blows me off, whatever. It sucks, but I'll live. They then say if I don't care about being rejected, why the hell am I so afraid of her? Intimidated? And I just don't know. I DO know that even the THOUGHT of coming up to her, speaking her name, having her turn to me, look into my eyes, the entire thing just scares the shit out of me, for some strange reason, and I'm not sure if that will ever change.

I'm just so timid, so shy, so awkward, not really afraid of rejection, but pretty sure in some way I WOULD screw up, or just come off looking like some doofus, either stuttering or mumbling or not saying the right thing, not being casual, cool, nice, but being a complete moron. Then I'd PROBABLY feel even worse cuz I blew it, rather than being my ABSOLUTE best and she just happens not to like me, or talk to me, or whatever.

But bleh, I don't even know why I worry about it so much, or think about it at all. I'm never gonna talk to her. She's too gorgeous. Too nice. Too sweet, and funny, and... beautiful. Too wonderful. I admire her from afar, too afraid to ever get close, and doomed to be completely alone. She just always seems so happy, so cheerful, laughing and joking with her friends, and I'm kind of afraid of ruining that. I'd come over, look like an idiot, and then affect her in some negative way. I'd prefer her to be happy without me than awkward or annoyed with me around, bothering her.

I hate the idea of bugging her, of ruining her fun, messing up her day, being a nuisance. I think that's probably a lot of it. As much as I like myself, cuz I'm a cool guy, nice, funny, and all that, I'm like... not good enough for her. I'm different from her, and even TRYING to be around her, to talk to her, to be her friend, to be MORE than a friend, I'd just be... wasting my time. Her time too. I have no choice, so why bother?

A girl like her would NEVER be interested in a guy like me. That's probably why I don't bother, cuz I'm sure she'd never appreciate me. I'm not the kinda guy she's interested in. I'm not some "hot" jerk who only dates her cuz of her looks. I'm not some arrogant asshole that pushes her around and tells her what to do. I'd respect her, care for her, and... sadly, that's probably not what she's looking for.

The saddest thing of all is that she probably doesn't even know I exist. As much as I like her, admire her, and would DIE to just talk to her, I'm nothing to her. Absolutely nothing...

She turns her head. She suddenly stares across the room, across the picnic table, almost as if her eyes are searching for something. Her friends are laughing and joking all around her, but she's almost distant from them. Staring off, she looks in my direction, no, directly at me, and... she smiles. I can't breathe... No way... I don't believe it...

I finally exist.

My Therapy

Today was the first time I've ever had anything close to "therapy" although it ended up a bit differently than I had expected. On TV and in movies and such, the classic, cliche therapy experience is lying across a couch while the therapist asks questions about your life, about your real issues, deep down stuff, intimate stuff, digging away at you while you confess as much as you can, HOPEFULLY everything, and by opening up to someone to fully, you feel better. Also, they do their best to give advice from their unbiased point of view, and overall, therapy does help a lot of people, especially those with messed up childhoods or personal trauma. For me, it was a bit different.

There was a couch, but I sat on it, no lying down. And instead of being asked questions, he simply asked what I wanted to talk about. I REALLY hate those kinda open questions, like you get in interviews when the interviewer goes "Tell me about yourself" and you're just lost cuz there's just SO much to tell, and you're not quite sure what would be relevant to the topic at hand, typically the job and why you're qualified for it. It was the same kinda thing for me, as I couldn't think at first. It was too open, too vague, so I just kinda described my OVERALL stuff, age, bone disease, uhhhh, and then got lost again. Eventually I kinda talked about the easiest thing I could that was really bothering me: Being ignored and unappreciated, no matter how hard I try to put myself out there to get attention and MUCH needed help, and no matter if people are friends or otherwise.

That was the major topic for the hour, and sure, it was kinda good to "open up" about my problems, but this is FAR from the first time I've done that. Ever since my "biggest crush ever" nuke bomb went off a few years ago, I realized that being honest about my feelings, opening up to people (even a TINY bit too much so... lol) was a GOOD thing, and made me feel good, cuz I could connect with people beyond just simple things, like interests or hobbies or... whatever. No, I could connect on an emotional level and did get quite a bit of varied advice, ALL of which I listened to, carefully, and then determined my own personal best course of action that would work best for me. That process was good, helped out, but now things aren't so simple. It's not like before when it was just dealing with "feelings" but the REAL WORLD coming down on me, stealing away all of my hope, and crushing my spirit, or whatever's left of it. It's not some stupid crush, but getting a job, making money, gaining experience, doing things that are good for me personally to grow as a human being, aka MUCH fucking harder.

Anyway, it was awkward. Overall, it was okay, and during the actual talk, it was fine, as was to be expected, but leaving, I just didn't feel right. Thinking about how I felt, I realized it wasn't any better. Now sure, MOST people go to therapy the first time and go "wow, that didn't help for shit. Fuck this, I quit" and that's a BAD thing, but honestly, I've opened up about 99% of my MAJOR issues to a few people (one in particular, you know who you are) and while OVERALL it feels good to be honest, open, confess things, talking doesn't help. Advice helps, sure, but I've gotten a TON of advice over the years and have only done what I was physically capable of doing. I've tried, and tried, and tried, pushed myself, gotten a bit out of my "comfort zone" and while it's been great, it's been painful as I've already explained in previous blogs.

My point is that I don't necessarily think "talking" out my issues is going to help. Plus I feel guilty cuz the therapist is helping me out for free, doing my friend a favor, and being a good, caring person himself, but I don't want to waste BOTH of our time AND my money I'll eventually pay him, that he's due for helping me, if it's not going to help me. I've talked and talked and talked, and I just have a feeling, and I'm almost SURE of it, that no matter how much I talk, or how much he listens, it's not going to help me.

Basically, I think I either need ACTUAL help from my friends, family, and others to get my life to FINALLY fucking improve, and drastically, so I can feel productive and confident and HAPPY, POSITIVE, and good about myself, OR I just need to cave in and get some anti-depressants. Sure, it'll affect me physically in not ALL positive ways, but maybe I just need it to stop myself from being SO depressed all the time, cuz it just fucking PLAGUES me. I know my mom takes pills, other people in my family do too, and NEVER wanted to "rely" on pills in the past to make myself feel okay, but I feel like shit now, almost constantly. Plus I know that pills don't "fix" depression, but simply make it easier to deal with, soothe things a bit, balance out the moods, which I do think I need at this point in my life. So yeah, either DRASTIC positive change in my life, or pills. No talking is gonna help me, unfortunately.

Plus I believe that I'd be more helped by physical therapy to strengthen my body than the OTHER kind of therapy where I talk about my issues which I've done a TRILLION times before, ad nauseum. For my major shit, I'll just talk to people when I can, get what advice I can, and then do the PHYSICAL work of actually following through in "real life". I have an appointment for next week, and I'll go to that, but MAYBE not after that, depending on how it goes. Just gotta figure out how to "cancel" it if I don't feel it's a good use of our time and my eventual money.

Other than that bit of "news" for today, shit's still on hold, I'm waiting for PRACTICALLY everyone, and almost everything still sucks. Yay for me. :(