My Sadness

I'm feeling sad again. I originally wrote "depressed" but that's more my normal mood, and tonight, I just feel sad. Sad about numerous things, a few sad revelations I discovered today, and drifting back into some old sad things.

Family problems are often the hardest we can deal with, and even though my family's good, probably one of the BEST I know, we obviously have our own. I've just realized today that nobody can fucking compromise, nobody REALLY talks and discusses issues in order to solve them, and even though I'm LITERALLY a goddamn fucking genius, most people don't listen to me. Well, DUH to the last thing, cuz I've known that for a while now, but the first two are new.

Compromise is important in relationships to help things run smoothly and HOPEFULLY keep everyone happy. When people don't talk, don't figure out what each person can deal with in order not to "rock the boat" there are problems, and they keep growing and growing, and horrible things come of it, like people say things they don't mean, and things are just fucking ruined. I TRY to make people discuss, but again, like usual, I'm blown off.

I'm just fucking tired of it, tired of being me for how I'm treated, even though me as a person is FANTASTIC. I want people to STOP treating me the way they do and GODDAMN APPRECIATE ME. Listen to me, pay attention to what I say, especially my advice which is great and balanced and unbiased, and just fucking DO it. But no...

I don't want to be too specific about this next realization, but let's just say that I've discovered that someone I was VERY much into isn't quite as great as I'd originally thought. Again, I've "idealized" someone, when in reality, they're not really... I guess what would be good for me, or what I want, or something. I'm not really sure how to explain it, but there are just some odd things, and... yeah, so good times, now I'm officially crushless again. Better to be alone and "crushless" than "into" someone I have NO hope to ever be with (aka all girls, no matter what), so I guess that's a GOOD thing, right? Better to have no hope than false hope. At least that's what I think.

I'm also sad that I miss someone. We've had a rocky relationship, from barely anything for years to "friends" and then I was HOPING more, but no, it wasn't meant to be, I guess. Either way, then it got bad, we weren't on speaking terms for a while, then back on, then back off again. I've had some of the most fun moments of my life with her, moments where I got to be a normal person, going out, hanging out at places, eating food, going to movies, spending quality time with someone I care about, and just... living. Few things truly make me feel like I'm "living" but spending time with her was one of those things, each and every time. It probably didn't mean much to her, and people doing the same stuff as I did then but ALL the time probably don't appreciate it, but I just loved it. It made me feel so good, so happy, so real, like I was a normal person, doing normal things, and had some girl who ACTUALLY cared about me for ONCE in my sorry excuse for a life. Sure, lots of bad stuff happened AROUND those fun times, but, I think, in the end, it was worth it, and now, she's gone.

She's moved away, and I have no one to spend time with anymore. She was an important part of me, in so many ways that I can't even describe, and for a long time, years and years, but now with her gone... it's just not good. I WAS happy originally, not having to "deal" with her anymore, our issues with each other, but now I truly miss her. I'm sure she'd realize how much I've changed since she last saw me, probably in a few moments, and hopefully make me feel a LITTLE better about myself, and things in general. Anyway, yeah, I miss her, and honestly can't wait to see her again. I'm just hoping, nearly PRAYING that being around her again, I can stop being miserable for a short while, even, and just "live".

I just feel... quiet and sad. And tired, but not for any REAL reason as I got plenty of sleep and didn't do shit today. I barely feel like talking, or chatting, or much of anything, really. I guess my mind's just realizing AGAIN that nothing is moving, no actual movement in my life, and with the family issues that I gotta fucking deal with now, and being "crushless" and FRUSTRATED with no one ever contacting me back to do anything to help me with things I DESPERATELY fucking need... I'm just sad.

Things are bad, I'm sad, and I really don't know what to do again. But it's different, like I'm not angry about it, right this second, but just overall sad. I feel like I could cry my eyes out with just the right thing to "set me off" and... kinda want to, really. I could use a good cry after all I've been through lately. I've already broken down like three times, officially, in the last few months, so I might as well make it four.

I just feel... cold. Chills, up and down my spine. And totally, totally sad. :(