My Therapy

Today was the first time I've ever had anything close to "therapy" although it ended up a bit differently than I had expected. On TV and in movies and such, the classic, cliche therapy experience is lying across a couch while the therapist asks questions about your life, about your real issues, deep down stuff, intimate stuff, digging away at you while you confess as much as you can, HOPEFULLY everything, and by opening up to someone to fully, you feel better. Also, they do their best to give advice from their unbiased point of view, and overall, therapy does help a lot of people, especially those with messed up childhoods or personal trauma. For me, it was a bit different.

There was a couch, but I sat on it, no lying down. And instead of being asked questions, he simply asked what I wanted to talk about. I REALLY hate those kinda open questions, like you get in interviews when the interviewer goes "Tell me about yourself" and you're just lost cuz there's just SO much to tell, and you're not quite sure what would be relevant to the topic at hand, typically the job and why you're qualified for it. It was the same kinda thing for me, as I couldn't think at first. It was too open, too vague, so I just kinda described my OVERALL stuff, age, bone disease, uhhhh, and then got lost again. Eventually I kinda talked about the easiest thing I could that was really bothering me: Being ignored and unappreciated, no matter how hard I try to put myself out there to get attention and MUCH needed help, and no matter if people are friends or otherwise.

That was the major topic for the hour, and sure, it was kinda good to "open up" about my problems, but this is FAR from the first time I've done that. Ever since my "biggest crush ever" nuke bomb went off a few years ago, I realized that being honest about my feelings, opening up to people (even a TINY bit too much so... lol) was a GOOD thing, and made me feel good, cuz I could connect with people beyond just simple things, like interests or hobbies or... whatever. No, I could connect on an emotional level and did get quite a bit of varied advice, ALL of which I listened to, carefully, and then determined my own personal best course of action that would work best for me. That process was good, helped out, but now things aren't so simple. It's not like before when it was just dealing with "feelings" but the REAL WORLD coming down on me, stealing away all of my hope, and crushing my spirit, or whatever's left of it. It's not some stupid crush, but getting a job, making money, gaining experience, doing things that are good for me personally to grow as a human being, aka MUCH fucking harder.

Anyway, it was awkward. Overall, it was okay, and during the actual talk, it was fine, as was to be expected, but leaving, I just didn't feel right. Thinking about how I felt, I realized it wasn't any better. Now sure, MOST people go to therapy the first time and go "wow, that didn't help for shit. Fuck this, I quit" and that's a BAD thing, but honestly, I've opened up about 99% of my MAJOR issues to a few people (one in particular, you know who you are) and while OVERALL it feels good to be honest, open, confess things, talking doesn't help. Advice helps, sure, but I've gotten a TON of advice over the years and have only done what I was physically capable of doing. I've tried, and tried, and tried, pushed myself, gotten a bit out of my "comfort zone" and while it's been great, it's been painful as I've already explained in previous blogs.

My point is that I don't necessarily think "talking" out my issues is going to help. Plus I feel guilty cuz the therapist is helping me out for free, doing my friend a favor, and being a good, caring person himself, but I don't want to waste BOTH of our time AND my money I'll eventually pay him, that he's due for helping me, if it's not going to help me. I've talked and talked and talked, and I just have a feeling, and I'm almost SURE of it, that no matter how much I talk, or how much he listens, it's not going to help me.

Basically, I think I either need ACTUAL help from my friends, family, and others to get my life to FINALLY fucking improve, and drastically, so I can feel productive and confident and HAPPY, POSITIVE, and good about myself, OR I just need to cave in and get some anti-depressants. Sure, it'll affect me physically in not ALL positive ways, but maybe I just need it to stop myself from being SO depressed all the time, cuz it just fucking PLAGUES me. I know my mom takes pills, other people in my family do too, and NEVER wanted to "rely" on pills in the past to make myself feel okay, but I feel like shit now, almost constantly. Plus I know that pills don't "fix" depression, but simply make it easier to deal with, soothe things a bit, balance out the moods, which I do think I need at this point in my life. So yeah, either DRASTIC positive change in my life, or pills. No talking is gonna help me, unfortunately.

Plus I believe that I'd be more helped by physical therapy to strengthen my body than the OTHER kind of therapy where I talk about my issues which I've done a TRILLION times before, ad nauseum. For my major shit, I'll just talk to people when I can, get what advice I can, and then do the PHYSICAL work of actually following through in "real life". I have an appointment for next week, and I'll go to that, but MAYBE not after that, depending on how it goes. Just gotta figure out how to "cancel" it if I don't feel it's a good use of our time and my eventual money.

Other than that bit of "news" for today, shit's still on hold, I'm waiting for PRACTICALLY everyone, and almost everything still sucks. Yay for me. :(