Her

I dreamed of her again. It's been a while since the last time. This one was simple, though it's already foggy in my head from when I awoke half a day ago. I believe it was just her and I, the two of us, hanging out. I don't know where, I don't know when or how, but I don't think any of that mattered. All that mattered was that we were together. I was in her presence, and she in mine. It was nice, but when I woke, I was sad. Sad again. Sad thinking of her and what she meant to me way back when.

I know what the dream means. It's not quite that I miss her, though I may. It's that I'm so desperate, so lonesome, so hopeless anymore that I'm reaching back, trying to go back in time and grab on to anything that made me feel better than I do now. She hurt me so badly, worse than she'll ever know. She left a festering wound in my "heart", or what's left of it, that, at this rate, will never heal. Even after all that, I'm desperate enough to reach out to her to give me even a sliver of comfort. To grab on to that hope that maybe, just maybe she liked me. That maybe, just maybe ANY girl ever liked me. To give myself even the tiniest bit of self-esteem instead of all the self-loathing I've been consumed with for years. But no, it's pointless. She never liked me. No girl ever liked me. That is a fact that will continue on and on until... I don't know when.

Today was one of those dark days. Those days where you wake up groggy, sluggish, and never feel right all day. It wasn't the dream, though that certainly didn't help. It really wasn't anything in particular. It just... was. Probably the results of my overall "life" weighing down on me. The nonstop nothingness, all my effort wasted no matter what I do. It left me in a dark, dark place. Very bleak, little to no hope, thinking that I might as well not even try anymore. I may not even live anymore, and I know that's a horrible thought. But everything feels so pointless. Such a waste of time. I'm too much of a burden on everyone, especially myself. I just...

I hate myself. I hate everything that I've become. I hate how all of my potential was pissed away with the passing of time. I'm nothing anymore. I'm barely living. I'm a shell. I'm surprised I breathe. I'm surprised my heart still beats. I feel so hollow. I hate how I feel. I hate it so much.

I hate the world. I hate how the world truly turned out to be. I hate how hopeful I was, bright-eyed and naive, and now I realize how shitty this world is. I hate how illogical everything is. How unfair, how unbalanced, how goddamn fucking stupid the world is. Good people are shafted and evil people prosper. Hard work doesn't pay off. Being lazy, putting out sub-par work is completely and utterly acceptable. Why bother busting your ass when you'll get nothing out if it? I don't see the point anymore.

I hate everyone for ignoring me, for neglecting me. I hate how they go on with their lives, their shitty jobs, their shallow, stupid relationships, and don't even notice how far I've fallen. None of them know how truly depressed I am. And if they do know, they don't fucking show it. They are assholes. They are selfish. They are pieces of shit. Yet I'm desperate for their attention. Even the tiniest bit would make me feel as if I have a reason for existing anymore.

Why do I exist? Why is it that my best friend, Eric Braunstein, died eight and a half years ago, yet I'm still alive? Why? I'm fairly sure he would have graduated from college, met a nice girl, settled down, gotten married, probably would have had a kid or two by now. He could have had a life. While I have no life, almost no friends, no females who give a fucking shit about me EVER, I get to keep on "living". But he didn't? I don't understand it. Why him? Why me? They say God does everything for a reason, but why the FUCK did he do that???

And I really hate how I've been bitching about these same problems for over five years now. Five fucking years, and no fucking change. I'm still lonely. I'm still miserable. I'm still without any sense of a "relationship". No girl I've ever been interested in has been interested in me. No girl AT ALL has ever liked me. I stay at home all the time, though I don't have much of a choice in that regard. I don't have a job. I try to do things to make money, like websites or photography or now Android apps, but it's a waste of time, it seems, just like everything else I do. When will things change? When will things EVER FUCKING CHANGE, GODDAMMIT???

I need God to give me a purpose. I need a sign. I need someone to tell me why I still exist on this earth when people like my best friend are dead, and have been dead for a long time. I don't understand. I need to have a reason. I need to have hope. I need to have something, anything that'll keep me going, cuz I'm running out of energy. Running out of effort. I'm afraid that before too long, I'll do nothing. Absolutely nothing. I'll lay in bed all day long, every day, and let the rest of my years slip away.

And the worst part? Nobody will even notice. :(

*****

By the way, haven't used this blog in about two years. Feel pretty bad about that. Maybe I can post my thoughts on here more than once every 700 days or so. Hopefully not all SUPER DEPRESSING stuff, though. That'd be nice.

Haunting Dream

Whenever I rarely dream of my best friend, who passed away over five and a half years ago, it always tends to be placed in a reality where I still think he is alive. Things are well. Things are absolutely normal, but deep-down, in the back of mind, I know the truth. I know that he is no longer alive. It eats at me, that fact, until I realize it. Until it comes to me, at the forefront of my consciousness, and I can deny it no longer.

A couple times where I dreamed of that type of situation, where we were hanging out, like old times, and suddenly I realized he was "alive again" I was so relieved. So very, very happy. I cried. I happily cried to see my friend again. He looked at me as if he was puzzled for my impromptu reaction. But I was so happy to see him, even if it was only for a brief time.

And then I would wake, and reality would hit me once more. I would yet again come to the realization that I am in the world Post-Wiseman. He is gone, and I am forever changed.

But last night was different. Last night, my dream was similar to reality, but... still different. Still strange. Still slightly off-the-mark, like most dreams tend to be. I don't recall my location, my surroundings, or anything else. All I remember was her: His sister. The girl I thought I shared a great, close relationship with. But the relationship, whether it existed or not, didn't matter. All that mattered was the person we both cared about so much. The person we both so badly missed. The person who left a small hole us when he left this world.

The details are a bit foggy, being nearly a full day after the fact, but I do remember the tears in her eyes. I remember the tears in mine as well. And I took her into my arms. We sat together, thinking of him, and we cried. It felt so real, and sadly, I believe that only in my dream could something so tragic, so sad, but so... "touching" in a way could ever really happen. That was something straight out of a movie, I only realize now. Things like that don't happen in the real world. Reality is never so... moving. At least never for me.

But anyway, I'll never forget my best friend. Never, ever, ever. I just wish that I had more dreams where he was still alive and I realized, and cherished the minutes we had together, rather than where I can't even escape the shitty reality I'm stuck in so miserably.

Later, Wiseman. *thumbs up*

My Self-Hatred & Another Dream

I like myself, at least some aspects, but deep down, I don't think I like myself very much. I not only have some body issues and often times dislike my appearance, but I also hate all the weak parts of myself that mask and hold down the GREAT parts of me that EVERYONE should see and love. And like they say, if I don't like myself, how can I EVER expect some sweet, caring, and wonderful girl to EVER like me either? Hell, ANY girl? Meanwhile, in order for me to like myself, I think I NEED a girl to care about me, so I can see my own self-worth through their eyes, so to speak, so therefore it's a huge fucking Catch-22, aka I'm eternally fucked.

I feel like shit tonight. I had a really sad, yet wonderful (at the end) dream last night, and forgot about it all day, until just earlier. I was thinking it over in my head and it brought tears to my eyes, realizing how sad it was, and how fantastically happy I felt at the end of it. And most of all, how TOTALLY unhappy I am in real life, and the growing fear that I'll never be that happy, no matter how long I live.

Basically, there's this girl. I really like her, like in a way I've NEVER liked a girl before. Usually they're really pretty, or nice to me, caring, or I feel like they know me and still don't SHUN me, or something, but this girl... She's just something else. She's so unique, and crazy, and goofy, and funny, and just awesome. I think we meshed really well what little bit we did spend time together, but as of late, I've barely seen her. I've been doing my best to try to spend time with her, to even see her AT ALL, but like almost all things in my life, it's ended in utter failure, over and over and over. So, back to the dream...

I'm in some building with lots of doors, some in front leading to the outside, and many inside, going all over the place. It's not supposed to feel like a maze, but to me, it is. I'm constantly going through door after door, searching for this girl. Every single time it seems I'm about to FINALLY catch her, she gets away again. I call out her name, asking for her to stop, to just talk to me for a minute, cuz I miss her, I want to look into her eyes, just see her for a moment. I follow her throughout the building, door after door after door, and each time I get close, she slips away again. The building is empty, but for some reason, I just can't catch her, but I keep trying. I do NOT give up, even though I'm tired, depressed, and nearly crying from frustration and sadness of not being able to see her.

I follow and follow and follow, and finally, I see her go through the front doors. I BURST out after her, and FINALLY catch her. I grab her by the arm, turning her towards me and stare deeply into her eyes. I see her smile, which draws a smile from me as well. I tell her how glad I am to finally see her, to talk to her, cuz she's been gone so long. I say how much I've missed her, and simply reach out to hug her. I wrap my arms around her back, holding her tightly, and feel her arms go around me. We hold each other tightly, and the hug, the embrace, it seems to go on forever. It's like time is frozen around us, and I simply look down at her, gazing into her eyes, and both of us are nothing but happy. I FINALLY feel happy, finally, as I can't even think of what to tell her now, and then... I wake up.

It was a wonderful dream that didn't really affect me earlier, just after I got up, but earlier, and now, it's just... so touching. I didn't realize I liked that girl as much as I apparently do, but nonetheless, I gotta let her go. She's just too good for me, too awesome, too out of my reach, literally and metaphorically, and will forever be, so all I can do is wish her the best and move on, trying to forget about her the best I can. I wish she could know how highly I think of her, but I doubt she ever will. I also hope she's happy no matter where she is or what she does, cuz she's just a great person, and I'm not sure I'll ever meet a girl like her ever again.

So to her, I say goodbye.

My Dream

All he wanted to do was hold her. He wanted to touch her, to stare into her eyes, to know that she loved him as much as he loved her. He wanted... no, needed to know that. He needed her, and needed to know that she needed him too.

He wanted to walk down the street and feel her hand reaching for his, holding hands together so happily as they walked along. He wanted to sit together, her lying against his chest, feeling her heart beating in tune with his own. He wanted to lay in bed, his arms wrapped around her, the sweet scent of her hair filling him with happiness. He wanted to see how comfortable she was with him, how much she trusted him, felt safe with him, and knew that everything would be all right as long as she was there with him.

He wanted to be the first thing she thought of when she woke in the morning, and the last thing she thought about when she went to bed at night. He wanted to know that she was always happy with him, always felt better when she was with him, and he could always cheer her up when she was down. He wanted her to see how beautiful she was through his eyes, and know that he would always love her.

He wanted so much from her, so much for her, but... deep down, feared that he'd never be anything at all to her. He feared he was nothing to the girl that he cared about more than anything, and a tear ran down his cheek as he lowered his head in sadness.