I dreamed of her again. It's been a while since the last time. This one was simple, though it's already foggy in my head from when I awoke half a day ago. I believe it was just her and I, the two of us, hanging out. I don't know where, I don't know when or how, but I don't think any of that mattered. All that mattered was that we were together. I was in her presence, and she in mine. It was nice, but when I woke, I was sad. Sad again. Sad thinking of her and what she meant to me way back when.
I know what the dream means. It's not quite that I miss her, though I may. It's that I'm so desperate, so lonesome, so hopeless anymore that I'm reaching back, trying to go back in time and grab on to anything that made me feel better than I do now. She hurt me so badly, worse than she'll ever know. She left a festering wound in my "heart", or what's left of it, that, at this rate, will never heal. Even after all that, I'm desperate enough to reach out to her to give me even a sliver of comfort. To grab on to that hope that maybe, just maybe she liked me. That maybe, just maybe ANY girl ever liked me. To give myself even the tiniest bit of self-esteem instead of all the self-loathing I've been consumed with for years. But no, it's pointless. She never liked me. No girl ever liked me. That is a fact that will continue on and on until... I don't know when.
Today was one of those dark days. Those days where you wake up groggy, sluggish, and never feel right all day. It wasn't the dream, though that certainly didn't help. It really wasn't anything in particular. It just... was. Probably the results of my overall "life" weighing down on me. The nonstop nothingness, all my effort wasted no matter what I do. It left me in a dark, dark place. Very bleak, little to no hope, thinking that I might as well not even try anymore. I may not even live anymore, and I know that's a horrible thought. But everything feels so pointless. Such a waste of time. I'm too much of a burden on everyone, especially myself. I just...
I hate myself. I hate everything that I've become. I hate how all of my potential was pissed away with the passing of time. I'm nothing anymore. I'm barely living. I'm a shell. I'm surprised I breathe. I'm surprised my heart still beats. I feel so hollow. I hate how I feel. I hate it so much.
I hate the world. I hate how the world truly turned out to be. I hate how hopeful I was, bright-eyed and naive, and now I realize how shitty this world is. I hate how illogical everything is. How unfair, how unbalanced, how goddamn fucking stupid the world is. Good people are shafted and evil people prosper. Hard work doesn't pay off. Being lazy, putting out sub-par work is completely and utterly acceptable. Why bother busting your ass when you'll get nothing out if it? I don't see the point anymore.
I hate everyone for ignoring me, for neglecting me. I hate how they go on with their lives, their shitty jobs, their shallow, stupid relationships, and don't even notice how far I've fallen. None of them know how truly depressed I am. And if they do know, they don't fucking show it. They are assholes. They are selfish. They are pieces of shit. Yet I'm desperate for their attention. Even the tiniest bit would make me feel as if I have a reason for existing anymore.
Why do I exist? Why is it that my best friend, Eric Braunstein, died eight and a half years ago, yet I'm still alive? Why? I'm fairly sure he would have graduated from college, met a nice girl, settled down, gotten married, probably would have had a kid or two by now. He could have had a life. While I have no life, almost no friends, no females who give a fucking shit about me EVER, I get to keep on "living". But he didn't? I don't understand it. Why him? Why me? They say God does everything for a reason, but why the FUCK did he do that???
And I really hate how I've been bitching about these same problems for over five years now. Five fucking years, and no fucking change. I'm still lonely. I'm still miserable. I'm still without any sense of a "relationship". No girl I've ever been interested in has been interested in me. No girl AT ALL has ever liked me. I stay at home all the time, though I don't have much of a choice in that regard. I don't have a job. I try to do things to make money, like websites or photography or now Android apps, but it's a waste of time, it seems, just like everything else I do. When will things change? When will things EVER FUCKING CHANGE, GODDAMMIT???
I need God to give me a purpose. I need a sign. I need someone to tell me why I still exist on this earth when people like my best friend are dead, and have been dead for a long time. I don't understand. I need to have a reason. I need to have hope. I need to have something, anything that'll keep me going, cuz I'm running out of energy. Running out of effort. I'm afraid that before too long, I'll do nothing. Absolutely nothing. I'll lay in bed all day long, every day, and let the rest of my years slip away.
And the worst part? Nobody will even notice. :(
*****
By the way, haven't used this blog in about two years. Feel pretty bad about that. Maybe I can post my thoughts on here more than once every 700 days or so. Hopefully not all SUPER DEPRESSING stuff, though. That'd be nice.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Haunting Dream
Whenever I rarely dream of my best friend, who passed away over five and a half years ago, it always tends to be placed in a reality where I still think he is alive. Things are well. Things are absolutely normal, but deep-down, in the back of mind, I know the truth. I know that he is no longer alive. It eats at me, that fact, until I realize it. Until it comes to me, at the forefront of my consciousness, and I can deny it no longer.
A couple times where I dreamed of that type of situation, where we were hanging out, like old times, and suddenly I realized he was "alive again" I was so relieved. So very, very happy. I cried. I happily cried to see my friend again. He looked at me as if he was puzzled for my impromptu reaction. But I was so happy to see him, even if it was only for a brief time.
And then I would wake, and reality would hit me once more. I would yet again come to the realization that I am in the world Post-Wiseman. He is gone, and I am forever changed.
But last night was different. Last night, my dream was similar to reality, but... still different. Still strange. Still slightly off-the-mark, like most dreams tend to be. I don't recall my location, my surroundings, or anything else. All I remember was her: His sister. The girl I thought I shared a great, close relationship with. But the relationship, whether it existed or not, didn't matter. All that mattered was the person we both cared about so much. The person we both so badly missed. The person who left a small hole us when he left this world.
The details are a bit foggy, being nearly a full day after the fact, but I do remember the tears in her eyes. I remember the tears in mine as well. And I took her into my arms. We sat together, thinking of him, and we cried. It felt so real, and sadly, I believe that only in my dream could something so tragic, so sad, but so... "touching" in a way could ever really happen. That was something straight out of a movie, I only realize now. Things like that don't happen in the real world. Reality is never so... moving. At least never for me.
But anyway, I'll never forget my best friend. Never, ever, ever. I just wish that I had more dreams where he was still alive and I realized, and cherished the minutes we had together, rather than where I can't even escape the shitty reality I'm stuck in so miserably.
Later, Wiseman. *thumbs up*
Monday, March 29, 2010
My Neverending Spiral
A year. That's how long it's been since I've posted in this blog. Give or take. So what has changed in the last year of my life? Not much. And what HAS changed has gotten undeniably worse. Not only are bad things happening to me, but now it seems my curse is spreading to those around me. My family, a friend, and I wouldn't doubt others, even. Things are worse right now than I can ever remember them being. It feels like there's a ticking clock, slowly counting down to bad, bad things. Even worse than now, and there's nothing I can do. Everything I've tried has failed. Every single attempt, completely pointless. Meaningless, and a waste of effort, of which I no longer have much. I'm just tired, and almost all my hope for the future has washed away. Right down the drain. Right along with all that "potential" I used to have.
I just feel so shitty. I tried to cheer myself up with a little chocolate treat, but all it's done is leave me with a disgusting feeling in my stomach and hating myself for even eating it in the first place. That's how most of my life feels like anymore. Sure, I may get tiny moments of enjoyment, distraction from this shitty, often uncaring world, but in the end, I feel miserable again and hate myself for even bothering. I just don't see the point. Sure, I got out once in a while, like tonight. Watched a VERY disappointing PPV with all my "friends", but in the end, here I am. Here I sit, miserable as always. If not worse.
I've realized how as the further I fall into the black hole that is my life, the more my mind is reaching, reaching back for even the TINIEST things from my past, whether they were good things or not. Reaching back for people, even girls who have ultimately shunned me, hurt me, and left me worse after all was said and done. Girls who broke my heart, and I THOUGHT I was over years ago. For some reason, in my sadness, in all this loneliness, I find myself thinking of them. And I hate it. And most of all, I hate myself for even bothering.
Why care about a few bitches in my past who treated me like shit in their various, uncaring and selfish ways? Why even CONSIDER the idea of trying to reach out to them again after so long? What are they gonna do for me? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, that's for sure. They will only hurt me, and my memories of the pain they caused me is the primary reason I'm not trying. I think of it often, but I'm doing nothing but thinking. I know they will hurt me again, and I know how afterward, I will be left an even more pathetic pile of nothing than I am even now, as we speak.
But still, I think of them, even if I'm SURE they're never thinking of me. It's never "Hey, I wonder how Marshall's doing?" or "I haven't heard from Marsh in a long time." or anything similar. No, I'm sure my name hasn't crossed their minds in a long, long time. I'm nothing to them. I never was, and never will be. But still, knowing that, I think of them, my shattered, darkened heart desperate for ANYTHING to make me feel even a SHRED better for a single moment. Even just a kind response by text, or a quick conversation in person, anything would theoretically bring me out of my darkness for a SPLIT second. But no. That's so unlikely. They don't care about me. No matter how much I may have cared for them, they do NOT care about me in the slightest.
I hate myself for how far I've fallen. And I hate the world for not realizing my fall, or even that I'm not "fine" at all. Nobody asks. Nobody seems to care. I've heard they do "care", or "they're trying" even if they've done NOTHING different in the last few years than ever before. "They just don't know what to do," they tell me. "They don't know how to help you." Bleh. Bleh, bleh, bleh.
And I'd like to know how a certain someone can be "trying" with me when they've done NOTHING AT ALL. NOTHING. Not ONE fucking thing. No phone calls, no text messages, no emails, NOTHING at all. Even in my presence, the bitch didn't do a GODDAMN thing. Just talked quietly with someone else about me, wondering why I was being all quiet and distant.
I honestly don't know exactly WHY I acted that way, or even why I did something similar today, practically unable to look the girl straight in the face, but that's how it was. I'm awkward. I'm uncomfortable with them. Maybe it's lingering feelings, or the discomfort of being in their vicinity, or simply my shyness from my earlier years coming back. I don't know, but I DO know that I've been distant from both girls on a couple of occasions, and I... I don't know. I can't explain why. I just know I feel shitty, and these girls, girls I've had feelings for in the past, maybe still do, are doing something to me, affecting me in ways I cannot explain. I'm not a bad guy for those actions. I'm just still a shy little boy without ANY experience with a female to speak of. So fuck you if you don't like it, because it's not like I'm doing it purposely. Try stepping in my shoes for ONE fucking day and tell me you'd do anything ANY differently.
:(
I just feel so shitty. I tried to cheer myself up with a little chocolate treat, but all it's done is leave me with a disgusting feeling in my stomach and hating myself for even eating it in the first place. That's how most of my life feels like anymore. Sure, I may get tiny moments of enjoyment, distraction from this shitty, often uncaring world, but in the end, I feel miserable again and hate myself for even bothering. I just don't see the point. Sure, I got out once in a while, like tonight. Watched a VERY disappointing PPV with all my "friends", but in the end, here I am. Here I sit, miserable as always. If not worse.
I've realized how as the further I fall into the black hole that is my life, the more my mind is reaching, reaching back for even the TINIEST things from my past, whether they were good things or not. Reaching back for people, even girls who have ultimately shunned me, hurt me, and left me worse after all was said and done. Girls who broke my heart, and I THOUGHT I was over years ago. For some reason, in my sadness, in all this loneliness, I find myself thinking of them. And I hate it. And most of all, I hate myself for even bothering.
Why care about a few bitches in my past who treated me like shit in their various, uncaring and selfish ways? Why even CONSIDER the idea of trying to reach out to them again after so long? What are they gonna do for me? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, that's for sure. They will only hurt me, and my memories of the pain they caused me is the primary reason I'm not trying. I think of it often, but I'm doing nothing but thinking. I know they will hurt me again, and I know how afterward, I will be left an even more pathetic pile of nothing than I am even now, as we speak.
But still, I think of them, even if I'm SURE they're never thinking of me. It's never "Hey, I wonder how Marshall's doing?" or "I haven't heard from Marsh in a long time." or anything similar. No, I'm sure my name hasn't crossed their minds in a long, long time. I'm nothing to them. I never was, and never will be. But still, knowing that, I think of them, my shattered, darkened heart desperate for ANYTHING to make me feel even a SHRED better for a single moment. Even just a kind response by text, or a quick conversation in person, anything would theoretically bring me out of my darkness for a SPLIT second. But no. That's so unlikely. They don't care about me. No matter how much I may have cared for them, they do NOT care about me in the slightest.
I hate myself for how far I've fallen. And I hate the world for not realizing my fall, or even that I'm not "fine" at all. Nobody asks. Nobody seems to care. I've heard they do "care", or "they're trying" even if they've done NOTHING different in the last few years than ever before. "They just don't know what to do," they tell me. "They don't know how to help you." Bleh. Bleh, bleh, bleh.
And I'd like to know how a certain someone can be "trying" with me when they've done NOTHING AT ALL. NOTHING. Not ONE fucking thing. No phone calls, no text messages, no emails, NOTHING at all. Even in my presence, the bitch didn't do a GODDAMN thing. Just talked quietly with someone else about me, wondering why I was being all quiet and distant.
I honestly don't know exactly WHY I acted that way, or even why I did something similar today, practically unable to look the girl straight in the face, but that's how it was. I'm awkward. I'm uncomfortable with them. Maybe it's lingering feelings, or the discomfort of being in their vicinity, or simply my shyness from my earlier years coming back. I don't know, but I DO know that I've been distant from both girls on a couple of occasions, and I... I don't know. I can't explain why. I just know I feel shitty, and these girls, girls I've had feelings for in the past, maybe still do, are doing something to me, affecting me in ways I cannot explain. I'm not a bad guy for those actions. I'm just still a shy little boy without ANY experience with a female to speak of. So fuck you if you don't like it, because it's not like I'm doing it purposely. Try stepping in my shoes for ONE fucking day and tell me you'd do anything ANY differently.
:(
Monday, February 16, 2009
My Coldness
I feel so cold. Not only externally, from this shitty window, but also on the inside. So cold, and so empty.
Today was a rough day. Started off fine, but then I got some really bad news about some girl I was "interested" in and that just wrecked me. I'm just tired of it all. It was my own fault I'd never had a girlfriend up until a few years back cuz I never tried. I never tried at all, cuz I'm afraid of the entire process, and yes, very intimidated by girls I'm attracted to. It's not like I don't know what I'm gonna say, but I'm just very worried about if they'll like me. Well, finally, I began "trying" a bit the last year or two since the biggest crush of my life was literally... well, crushed to fucking death. Sure, I haven't gone up to random girls and "asked them out" but DAMMIT, I have been going out of my comfort zone to try to spend time with a girl or two I've been "into" since the shit years back.
I am not a pushy person. Flat-out, I want to say that. I keep to myself, I'm quiet, and pretty much shy unless I get comfortable enough with someone to open up. So the fact that I was texting, messaging, and getting in semi-regular contact with the couple girls I was "into" was like night and fucking day compared to my OLD self where I didn't do shit. I was finally pushing to spend time with some girl, get to know them, to see if ANYTHING could happen if I spent one-on-one time with some girl I liked, but nothing I did had ANY fucking effect. No matter how indirect or direct I asked, the various activities I brought up, how nice or sweet or patient I was, NOTHING fucking mattered. I've been continuously blown off by these girls and I'm just fed the fuck up. I'm tired, and I'm done. I'm giving up on "love" cuz I've gone 25 years without it now, FULLY AND COMPLETELY, and apparently I'm just not good enough or something. Or the world FUCKING sucks. Either way, I'm fucked, and I'm doomed to be lonely. Simple as that.
I just don't get it. I really don't. Me "liking" some girl is SO fucking rare since the shit years back that it's a MIRACLE I ever looked at a girl and got "those feelings" again. Sure, I've ran into some hot bitches, some girl's I'd GLADLY have sex with, but none of those "butterflies". Finally, after a couple years of no feelings for any girls at all, I met one, and BOOM, it was there. I was like "holy shit" and I couldn't believe it. I did my best to try to hang out with her, spend time with her, or ANY way to communicate, as awkward as it was for me. But, again, FAILURE. She was always "busy" and I was always SO patient and understanding and caring and sweet and kind, BUT WHAT DID THAT DO FOR ME? FUCKING NOTHING, that's what. You can be the KINDEST guy in the world, but if you're me, you're absolutely fucked. And that's bullshit. I know SO many guys out there who are NOT good guys. They are NOT sweet. They are NOT kind. They are selfish assholes, BUT GIRLS LIKE THEM! They've been in relationship after relationship, meanwhile I can't get ONE fucking girl in my ENTIRE fucking life to like me even a TINY goddamn bit??? REALLY? YOU GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!
Then along the same time ANOTHER girl popped up. Nearly fell into my lap, so to speak, and sure, I didn't get a lot of time around her, only a couple times to talk, and she was kinda distant, quiet, etc, but man, I liked her. And not just in the "wow, she's a cutie" way. I thought she was sweet, and kind, and had some of the same interests as me. I read some of her blogs and wow, they SPOKE to me, and I am not joking at all when I say that. This girl was SO much like me it wasn't even funny. Not fully, obviously, but so many things she wrote were what I felt ALL the time, so I was even MORE convinced to FINALLY try to get close to some girl, REALLY, and maybe, in time, when I'm comfortable, ask her out.
So, what happens? I nudge, which is like a THOUSAND times more than I ever have for a girl EVER. I message her, text her, try my best to be nice and sweet and cool and funny and make her notice me. I did SO much to try to get her attention, to get her to hang out with me, and NOTHING. I just got constant excuses of "sorry, i've been busy, hopefully soon, that'd be fun" etc, etc, etc. Fucking bullshit. EVERYONE throws that goddamn excuse around like it's some untouchable thing that no one can EVER fight with. Like, "Oh, you're busy? I'm sorry. I understand," while in the MEANTIME they're FUCKING AROUND on fucking GaySpace (aka MySpace for you tards out there, cuz MYSPACE IS GAY!) for hours a day, constantly checking their messages or looking for comments or seeing who read their bulletins or wrote anything for their events, and all that gay shit. Then they blow time AND money each week on STUPID shit, while I'm trying my best to improve my skills and abilities, and even myself. I am NOT fucking around with my life, so when people (especially girls) CONSTANTLY fucking jerk me around, I DON'T FUCKING LIKE IT!!!
I just wish people would be goddamn honest. If you don't wanna hang out, or can't cuz you got too much going on, GODDAMN TELL ME. If you don't wanna shoot with me, FUCKING TELL ME!!! Don't jerk me around for months with your "hopefully soon" when I'm sitting around with NOBODY willing to goddamn help me on almost ANYTHING in my life. It's fucking bullshit.
Yes, I don't go out much. Yes, I'm a homebody. Yes, I am a loner, and stay by myself MOST of the time, but that DOESN'T mean that I'm happy and everything's fine. Don't ASSUME that I'm fine cuz you don't see me. ANYBODY who reads this should REALIZE THAT I'M MISERABLE! And I have been for a long time, and almost NO ONE is willing to help me out with shit, even when I ask. So thanks. Thanks a lot. Selfish assholes and bitches... *grrrrrrrrrrr*
I just really wonder if I'll ever find someone. I mean, sure, people have gone 25 years like me without serious relationships. Or sex. Or maybe even dates, but EVERYTHING? EVERYTHING???? REALLY????? What the FUCK is apparently wrong with me that in my 25 years of existence I've NEVER met a girl who could like... ACTUALLY LIKE ME??? Seriously, cuz I don't get it. I'm not ugly. I'm not HIDEOUSLY fat. I'm not an asshole, but also not a pussy. I'm no pushover, but not a dick either. I'm a REALLY good, funny, smart guy, and I DESERVE better than what I've gotten in my life. People don't appreciate me, girls ignore me or blow me off, and people in general just fucking suck. I am VERY miserable, and have been for years, and almost nobody seems to care, even when I drop hints like anvils in blogs or bulletins or messages or WHATEVER. I mean, seriously? What is wrong with me? Why can't I be like ANYONE else and just find some girl to like me? I'm not asking for too much. Just some nice, sweet girl to meet me, think I'm nice, sweet, funny, and fun to be around, and just wanna spend time with me? I see fucking assholes and morons "meeting girls" ALL the fucking time, so WHY NEVER ME? Why? Why, why, why???
So to all those girls who have ignored me, fed me bullshit excuses even when I ACTUALLY fucking try, to those selfish people who only care about their OWN fucking lives and nothing else unless it helps THEM, fuck you. Simple as that, cuz I'm looking out for me, and I'm not gonna deal with your shit anymore. Be happy now, cuz hopefully someday I'll be wealthy and happy and I will do NOTHING to help you, just like you do NOTHING to help me now when I really, REALLY need it. Congrats.
;(
Thursday, December 25, 2008
My Hates
I hate girls. They make me stupid. I go from being all logical, smart, mature, and then I see one, a cute one, some girl that I'm attracted to and I'm done. Even if I'm "angry" or "upset" with them in general, I see them in person again, hear them laugh, see them smile, and I turn into a pathetic little lovey-dovey puddle. I become SO stupid, getting these asinine thoughts like they'll EVER like me, when that's FULLY IMPOSSIBLE. Twenty-five fucking years and never had ANYTHING, so why the FUCK is that ever gonna change? I try, and I'm ignored and blown off. I don't try, and obviously nothing happens. Either way, I'm lonely and forgotten. I'm a good guy, so why the FUCK am I never "boyfriend-material"? Why hasn't ANY girl EVER thought I was cute? Sweet? A great guy? A great boyfriend?
I hate that nobody ever compliments me AT ALL besides my "smarts". It's like "oh, he gets good grades, so he's smart, so congrats for that" but BESIDES that, it's nothing. I get NOTHING. Twenty-five years and nothing. How goddamn pathetic is that? I am the BIGGEST loser that I know when it comes to girls. Hell, when it comes to almost ANYTHING! No job. Almost no money. I barely wanna leave the house anymore. I don't like most of my "friends". Nobody besides like my NEAREST family and another friend or two seem to care about me. I practically SCREAM out for help, for people to care, but nobody fucking does. I'm just constantly ignored, and I'm fucking TIRED of it. I'm SO tired of it that I'm giving up. I've been in this pit of depression for SO long that maybe I should just stay in it. Maybe I should just get used to how things are and never "dream" of anything more, cuz I'm not gonna get it. No girl's gonna like me. I'm never gonna have a girlfriend. No first kiss. Nothing. Just emptiness and misery for me.
And I hate that maybe... maybe it all makes sense. Maybe I'm SUCH a loser that no girl has ever, and WILL ever like me. I mean, it's no wonder no girl has when I'm so pathetic. I'm goddamn miserable, and even when I've come across girls who are seemingly miserable too, can "feel my pain" so to speak, I've gone OUT OF MY WAY to talk to them, to be nice, to be kind, to show I'm a good guy, just to talk to them, and even THEY fucking shun me. I mean... WHAT THE FUCK? What the FUCK do I have to do to get ANYONE to fucking notice me? To notice my book? To notice those photos I took back when I used to GIVE A SHIT about photography and not HATE it cuz IT JUST ADDS TO MY DEPRESSION!!!
I hate people in general. They all treat me like shit when I deserve to be treated MUCH goddamn better. And they even treat other people wrong, like one of the best people I know. Sure, he's rough around the edges, but nobody EVER gives him ANY fucking attention. He's ACTUALLY grown up and improved and is a good person overall, but meanwhile, DOES ANYONE BUT ME GIVE A SHIT? SERIOUSLY? I mean, the VAST majority of my friends are fucking MORONS who are just SO fucking content to keep working the same shitty job and never strive for ANYTHING more than that. They settle for some dumpy/fat/ugly boyfriend/girlfriend JUST so that they won't be lonely, and then meanwhile THRIVE on fucking drama. This person's with her, she cheated on him, he's with this OTHER girl, they argued, there was a big blowup in public, BLAH BLAH BLAH!!! STOP WITH THE STUPID FUCKING DRAMA, YOU FUCKING IDIOTS, AND PAY ATTENTION TO ME AND MY FRIEND AND THOSE PEOPLE WHO DESERVE IT! I mean, CHRIST, MOST people I know are fucking pathetic. Sure, I'M pathetic too for having SO much potential, being SO awesome, but meanwhile I almost FULLY doubt myself in most things, so... it's just ALL goddamn stupid. The morons are happy and thriving on bullshit, and the GOOD people are fucking ignored. HOW FUCKING AWESOME THIS BEAUTIFUL WORLD IS!!!
I also hate that I've been writing sporadically in this blog for a couple months now and nobody fucking cares. I've had links posted to this place for a while, and I can almost GUARANTEE nobody reads it. People check their FUCKING GAYSPACES EVERY FUCKING THREE MINUTES, but they can't read my blog where I pour out my heart and soul and want people to understand me better, deep down? Really? IS EVERYONE SO FUCKING SELFISH??? Meanwhile my OWN mother told me recently that I'd changed, and that I'd become very self-centered. I was goddamn floored. ME? SELF-CENTERED? I have helped people FAR too many times than I can remember, and gone out of my way to help a friend, or not quite friends, family, etc, a TON of times with NO repercussions asked back at all. I don't even mention it. I just do it, don't bitch, and make them happy. I don't even do it for me. I honestly don't get much happiness out of helping people too often, so why do I do it? Cuz it's the right thing to do. People ask, and I do it. Fucking simple. I do it for no reason other than that. They ask, I do it. So I'm selfless, pretty much, but at the same time... I'M SELF-CENTERED? COME ON NOW! If being self-centered means doing stuff for EVERYONE else for years, and now FINALLY thinking about myself, how to improve my OWN situation, to do things for ME and make ME happy and productive and successful, then fine, I'M FUCKING SELF-CENTERED! I ADMIT IT!!!
I hate the word "busy". Everyone and their GODDAMN mother uses that excuse anymore for practically EVERYTHING. Can you read some of my story for me and give me feedback? "Busy". You available to do a photo shoot for me? "Busy". Wanna hang out? "Busy". Busy, busy, FUCKING busy!!! I mean, seriously, is EVERYONE on this fucking planet THAT fucking busy? I can understand MULTI-MILLIONAIRES being busy running their corporations, unless they pay a bunch of lackeys to do it for them, or even other major, important people, various celebrities, etc, but NOBODY I know is ANYTHING close to that. So why the fuck is EVERYONE so fucking busy? Wait... I'm coming to some interesting theory... How about... EVERYONE'S FULL OF SHIT? I think I hit that one perfectly. Sure, people have work, school, etc, but that does NOT take up ALL of your goddamn time, you liars.
I hate how people PRETEND to be "busy" but in reality, they're just full of shit. If you spend time REGULARLY checking your GaySpace for hours, clicking that refresh button every 30 seconds, or wasting time fucking around at the bowling alley, or at the bar, at some stupid club, wasting ALL that time on stupid NON-CONSTRUCTIVE SHIT, then you have PLENTY of time to help out your supposed "friend" aka ME!!! The TRUTH is, if you REALLY gave a shit about me, you would have already set up a shoot with me, or read my book, given me feedback, or just wanna spend time with me. But no, you like to just hide behind that word, "busy", so that you don't have to be HONEST and say that you don't WANT to do a shoot with me, or you don't WANT to read my book, or you don't WANT to hang out, or anything else. Or maybe you wouldn't mind, but in reality, I don't fucking matter enough for you to fit me into your "busy" schedule, so you just give me that stupid fucking word and then I'm supposed to be like "oh, that's fine. I'm patient and caring and understanding. No big deal. We can do that another time" when that OTHER time NEVER fucking comes. Fucking nice of you, liars. How about you just be HONEST with me, and EVERYONE else, and stop leading people on and jerking them around, cuz I'm fucking TIRED of it.
I hate being a "nice guy" cuz all it does is get me FUCKING IGNORED. Everyone else is "busy" and selfish as FUCK, meanwhile they're having the time of their goddamn lives. Going out all the time, blowing money, going to concerts and parties and drinking and buying stupid shit, not thinking AT ALL about the future, meanwhile I'm sitting at home, doing what I'm SUPPOSED to be doing, aka NOT blowing money and instead loaning what little money I have to my parents to help the family get by, NOT out gallivanting and being a fucking MORON, and what do I get? IGNORED! FORGOTTEN! SHUNNED!
I HATE how this world is that the good people get fucking blown off while the ASSHOLES and BITCHES are practically worshipped. It's fucking retarded, and fucking cruel. I just know I've been nice for FAR too long, so now, now I'm not gonna be so nice. I'll be nice to those who DESERVE it, but in general, FUCK YOU. I'm not doing shit for anyone unless I KNOW they're gonna do the same back. If not, fuck them, they don't deserve my kindness, my understanding, my patience, and anything else. I'm tired of being used, stepped on, and then left in the fucking dust while you go fuck around with stupid shit that won't matter a week from now. I'm working HARD on things for my future, IMPORTANT things, and nobody gives a flying fuck. FUCKING awesome. And thanks.
Let's just say I hate how people don't understand me, and don't realize how HUGELY important it is when I contact someone out of the blue. I typically don't do that, like... .EVER, so when I DO, it fucking MEANS SOMETHING! When I contact someone to hang out, especially some girl, it means a fucking lot. I'm a shy guy, very nervous about MOST girls, especially ones I "like" so when I go out of my way to contact one, ask to hang out, to do something together, to spend time with one another, that's like any other person going bungie-jumping, or hang-gliding, or mountain-climbing, aka FUCKING SCARY! It takes almost ALL my will to push myself to do something like that, to go out of my way, on my own, for someone, to ask them almost anything, and that's on a GOOD day. On bad days, I can't do shit, and just sit here in my computer chair like a depressed little puddle, thinking, and BELIEVING that I'll never meet a girl who likes me, and will never be happy. I get those thoughts ALL the time, and as the days, the weeks, the months, and years go by, it's getting worse and worse. Again, I'm 25 years old and have NO experience with the opposite sex. None. Name something and I can almost GUARANTEE I haven't done it. Guaranteed, and that's fucking sad, so yeah, I just wish people would fucking UNDERSTAND me, and realize that when I contact them out of the blue, it means the FUCKING world, cuz I don't do that almost ever. Seriously, appreciate it, and appreciate me.
I also hate the goddamn holidays, cuz all it does is make the happy people happier and the miserable people even MORE fucking miserable. It reminds people like me that we're alone, angry, hateful, and have NOBODY to share the "special times" with. I've been lonely and MISERABLE for EVERY fucking Christmas that I can remember, so FUCK Christmas until some goddamn SAINT comes along who FINALLY likes me like a BOYFRIEND and not just "like a brother" or "like a friend" or what the FUCK ever. Fuck the holidays, cuz they fucking suck. Bah humbug...
I hate that nobody ever compliments me AT ALL besides my "smarts". It's like "oh, he gets good grades, so he's smart, so congrats for that" but BESIDES that, it's nothing. I get NOTHING. Twenty-five years and nothing. How goddamn pathetic is that? I am the BIGGEST loser that I know when it comes to girls. Hell, when it comes to almost ANYTHING! No job. Almost no money. I barely wanna leave the house anymore. I don't like most of my "friends". Nobody besides like my NEAREST family and another friend or two seem to care about me. I practically SCREAM out for help, for people to care, but nobody fucking does. I'm just constantly ignored, and I'm fucking TIRED of it. I'm SO tired of it that I'm giving up. I've been in this pit of depression for SO long that maybe I should just stay in it. Maybe I should just get used to how things are and never "dream" of anything more, cuz I'm not gonna get it. No girl's gonna like me. I'm never gonna have a girlfriend. No first kiss. Nothing. Just emptiness and misery for me.
And I hate that maybe... maybe it all makes sense. Maybe I'm SUCH a loser that no girl has ever, and WILL ever like me. I mean, it's no wonder no girl has when I'm so pathetic. I'm goddamn miserable, and even when I've come across girls who are seemingly miserable too, can "feel my pain" so to speak, I've gone OUT OF MY WAY to talk to them, to be nice, to be kind, to show I'm a good guy, just to talk to them, and even THEY fucking shun me. I mean... WHAT THE FUCK? What the FUCK do I have to do to get ANYONE to fucking notice me? To notice my book? To notice those photos I took back when I used to GIVE A SHIT about photography and not HATE it cuz IT JUST ADDS TO MY DEPRESSION!!!
I hate people in general. They all treat me like shit when I deserve to be treated MUCH goddamn better. And they even treat other people wrong, like one of the best people I know. Sure, he's rough around the edges, but nobody EVER gives him ANY fucking attention. He's ACTUALLY grown up and improved and is a good person overall, but meanwhile, DOES ANYONE BUT ME GIVE A SHIT? SERIOUSLY? I mean, the VAST majority of my friends are fucking MORONS who are just SO fucking content to keep working the same shitty job and never strive for ANYTHING more than that. They settle for some dumpy/fat/ugly boyfriend/girlfriend JUST so that they won't be lonely, and then meanwhile THRIVE on fucking drama. This person's with her, she cheated on him, he's with this OTHER girl, they argued, there was a big blowup in public, BLAH BLAH BLAH!!! STOP WITH THE STUPID FUCKING DRAMA, YOU FUCKING IDIOTS, AND PAY ATTENTION TO ME AND MY FRIEND AND THOSE PEOPLE WHO DESERVE IT! I mean, CHRIST, MOST people I know are fucking pathetic. Sure, I'M pathetic too for having SO much potential, being SO awesome, but meanwhile I almost FULLY doubt myself in most things, so... it's just ALL goddamn stupid. The morons are happy and thriving on bullshit, and the GOOD people are fucking ignored. HOW FUCKING AWESOME THIS BEAUTIFUL WORLD IS!!!
I also hate that I've been writing sporadically in this blog for a couple months now and nobody fucking cares. I've had links posted to this place for a while, and I can almost GUARANTEE nobody reads it. People check their FUCKING GAYSPACES EVERY FUCKING THREE MINUTES, but they can't read my blog where I pour out my heart and soul and want people to understand me better, deep down? Really? IS EVERYONE SO FUCKING SELFISH??? Meanwhile my OWN mother told me recently that I'd changed, and that I'd become very self-centered. I was goddamn floored. ME? SELF-CENTERED? I have helped people FAR too many times than I can remember, and gone out of my way to help a friend, or not quite friends, family, etc, a TON of times with NO repercussions asked back at all. I don't even mention it. I just do it, don't bitch, and make them happy. I don't even do it for me. I honestly don't get much happiness out of helping people too often, so why do I do it? Cuz it's the right thing to do. People ask, and I do it. Fucking simple. I do it for no reason other than that. They ask, I do it. So I'm selfless, pretty much, but at the same time... I'M SELF-CENTERED? COME ON NOW! If being self-centered means doing stuff for EVERYONE else for years, and now FINALLY thinking about myself, how to improve my OWN situation, to do things for ME and make ME happy and productive and successful, then fine, I'M FUCKING SELF-CENTERED! I ADMIT IT!!!
I hate the word "busy". Everyone and their GODDAMN mother uses that excuse anymore for practically EVERYTHING. Can you read some of my story for me and give me feedback? "Busy". You available to do a photo shoot for me? "Busy". Wanna hang out? "Busy". Busy, busy, FUCKING busy!!! I mean, seriously, is EVERYONE on this fucking planet THAT fucking busy? I can understand MULTI-MILLIONAIRES being busy running their corporations, unless they pay a bunch of lackeys to do it for them, or even other major, important people, various celebrities, etc, but NOBODY I know is ANYTHING close to that. So why the fuck is EVERYONE so fucking busy? Wait... I'm coming to some interesting theory... How about... EVERYONE'S FULL OF SHIT? I think I hit that one perfectly. Sure, people have work, school, etc, but that does NOT take up ALL of your goddamn time, you liars.
I hate how people PRETEND to be "busy" but in reality, they're just full of shit. If you spend time REGULARLY checking your GaySpace for hours, clicking that refresh button every 30 seconds, or wasting time fucking around at the bowling alley, or at the bar, at some stupid club, wasting ALL that time on stupid NON-CONSTRUCTIVE SHIT, then you have PLENTY of time to help out your supposed "friend" aka ME!!! The TRUTH is, if you REALLY gave a shit about me, you would have already set up a shoot with me, or read my book, given me feedback, or just wanna spend time with me. But no, you like to just hide behind that word, "busy", so that you don't have to be HONEST and say that you don't WANT to do a shoot with me, or you don't WANT to read my book, or you don't WANT to hang out, or anything else. Or maybe you wouldn't mind, but in reality, I don't fucking matter enough for you to fit me into your "busy" schedule, so you just give me that stupid fucking word and then I'm supposed to be like "oh, that's fine. I'm patient and caring and understanding. No big deal. We can do that another time" when that OTHER time NEVER fucking comes. Fucking nice of you, liars. How about you just be HONEST with me, and EVERYONE else, and stop leading people on and jerking them around, cuz I'm fucking TIRED of it.
I hate being a "nice guy" cuz all it does is get me FUCKING IGNORED. Everyone else is "busy" and selfish as FUCK, meanwhile they're having the time of their goddamn lives. Going out all the time, blowing money, going to concerts and parties and drinking and buying stupid shit, not thinking AT ALL about the future, meanwhile I'm sitting at home, doing what I'm SUPPOSED to be doing, aka NOT blowing money and instead loaning what little money I have to my parents to help the family get by, NOT out gallivanting and being a fucking MORON, and what do I get? IGNORED! FORGOTTEN! SHUNNED!
I HATE how this world is that the good people get fucking blown off while the ASSHOLES and BITCHES are practically worshipped. It's fucking retarded, and fucking cruel. I just know I've been nice for FAR too long, so now, now I'm not gonna be so nice. I'll be nice to those who DESERVE it, but in general, FUCK YOU. I'm not doing shit for anyone unless I KNOW they're gonna do the same back. If not, fuck them, they don't deserve my kindness, my understanding, my patience, and anything else. I'm tired of being used, stepped on, and then left in the fucking dust while you go fuck around with stupid shit that won't matter a week from now. I'm working HARD on things for my future, IMPORTANT things, and nobody gives a flying fuck. FUCKING awesome. And thanks.
Let's just say I hate how people don't understand me, and don't realize how HUGELY important it is when I contact someone out of the blue. I typically don't do that, like... .EVER, so when I DO, it fucking MEANS SOMETHING! When I contact someone to hang out, especially some girl, it means a fucking lot. I'm a shy guy, very nervous about MOST girls, especially ones I "like" so when I go out of my way to contact one, ask to hang out, to do something together, to spend time with one another, that's like any other person going bungie-jumping, or hang-gliding, or mountain-climbing, aka FUCKING SCARY! It takes almost ALL my will to push myself to do something like that, to go out of my way, on my own, for someone, to ask them almost anything, and that's on a GOOD day. On bad days, I can't do shit, and just sit here in my computer chair like a depressed little puddle, thinking, and BELIEVING that I'll never meet a girl who likes me, and will never be happy. I get those thoughts ALL the time, and as the days, the weeks, the months, and years go by, it's getting worse and worse. Again, I'm 25 years old and have NO experience with the opposite sex. None. Name something and I can almost GUARANTEE I haven't done it. Guaranteed, and that's fucking sad, so yeah, I just wish people would fucking UNDERSTAND me, and realize that when I contact them out of the blue, it means the FUCKING world, cuz I don't do that almost ever. Seriously, appreciate it, and appreciate me.
I also hate the goddamn holidays, cuz all it does is make the happy people happier and the miserable people even MORE fucking miserable. It reminds people like me that we're alone, angry, hateful, and have NOBODY to share the "special times" with. I've been lonely and MISERABLE for EVERY fucking Christmas that I can remember, so FUCK Christmas until some goddamn SAINT comes along who FINALLY likes me like a BOYFRIEND and not just "like a brother" or "like a friend" or what the FUCK ever. Fuck the holidays, cuz they fucking suck. Bah humbug...
Monday, December 15, 2008
My Mourning
What happens when a relationship is dead? When all the feelings are gone? I had been looking forward to this point for a long, long time, and now, just seeing her again, I realized it was dead. All those lingering feelings were completely dead, and it was odd. It was strange, and awkward, and even a bit uncomfortable, and it shouldn't have been. I'm just wondering if the "relationship", that specialness, the way we were with each other was only because I had feelings to begin with. Like maybe that "something" between us was only there because I liked her, and now that I don't, now that I'll barely ever see her again, especially not regularly, it's gone. Maybe it never truly existed at all.
In a way, it made me miss the old times. Like, even with all the bullshit, the problems, the arguments and such, maybe I'd gladly LEAP back to that and forget about all the bad stuff and enjoy that "something" again. They say that hindsight is 20/20, but maybe it's not. Why is it that SO many times ex's get back together cuz they both miss what they had, then soon realize why they did, cuz there were LEGIT problems? I wonder why the human brain has the tendency to smooth other things in the past. To make problems no big deal, not of real consequence, and sadly, even to make good times, good memories not as great as they were in the moment. It sadly makes us all miss things before, in the past, "back in the day", when things were simpler and easier and better, when maybe... they weren't.
Either way, today made me feel strange. I thought I'd feel one way when I saw her, but I really didn't. It was like that "fire" was gone. She was just another person, and that kinda made me sad. That specialness between us was gone, likely never to return, and I can only mourn what we once had, if we had anything at all, that is... :(
In a way, it made me miss the old times. Like, even with all the bullshit, the problems, the arguments and such, maybe I'd gladly LEAP back to that and forget about all the bad stuff and enjoy that "something" again. They say that hindsight is 20/20, but maybe it's not. Why is it that SO many times ex's get back together cuz they both miss what they had, then soon realize why they did, cuz there were LEGIT problems? I wonder why the human brain has the tendency to smooth other things in the past. To make problems no big deal, not of real consequence, and sadly, even to make good times, good memories not as great as they were in the moment. It sadly makes us all miss things before, in the past, "back in the day", when things were simpler and easier and better, when maybe... they weren't.
Either way, today made me feel strange. I thought I'd feel one way when I saw her, but I really didn't. It was like that "fire" was gone. She was just another person, and that kinda made me sad. That specialness between us was gone, likely never to return, and I can only mourn what we once had, if we had anything at all, that is... :(
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
My Insignificance
I feel so insignificant. Like a speck of nothingness, even in the life of the one girl I care about most. She doesn't even realize how much I care about her, how highly I think of her, and I'll bet barely thinks about me at all. She makes me hate myself in how I feel about her, as I care so much about her and she cares so little about me. It's all unbalanced, and like life itself, it's all so unfair. I feel like I'll never be good enough to end up with a wonderful girl like her, and to know you'll never matter to someone who matters to you... It really sucks, and it hurts, and it's always been that way for me. Every single girl I've EVER liked has been the exact same way, then I just end up more miserable and alone in the end.
I think ever since I've been little, and knew what the word meant, deep down, I've always been lonely. I've been told I'm naturally a loner, by myself, spending most of my time alone, and while I love it, I also hate it. I've gone all these years without ANY special someone, even anyone I could say liked me, had a crush on me, had feelings for me, and unless you've experienced that yourself, you will NEVER know how it feels. Sure, some twelve or thirteen year olds out there might understand, but not to THIS point. Not at MY age. It's just pathetic and I don't understand. Nobody does who discovers that horrible fact. Just makes me feel like such a loser as I have nothing while EVERYONE else at least has had SOMETHING in their lives. Maybe not long, LONG relationships, but can at least say ONE person out there thought they were cute, or hot, or attractive, or wanted to spend time with them, get to know them, date them, etc, while I can't. Not in all these years I can't, and... it's just so sad.
I've learned to deal with my loneliness, or at least bury it down, but certain girls come around that just mean something to me. They stand out from the crowd and I really like them. Then, like always, nothing happens. Whether they find out that I like them or not, they never like me back, and likely WOULD NEVER like me back. That's just a horrible feeling, cuz as much as you'd like to be friends, sure, you can never be more. And even in that case, the friend-case, I can't even have that. I can't even be a good friend in their lives, someone they care about, think about, talk about to other people. No, I'm nothing, and I'm afraid I'll always be nothing. I'll always be insignificant, no matter what I do, and I wonder why I deserve everything to be like this... and if it'll ever change... :(
I think ever since I've been little, and knew what the word meant, deep down, I've always been lonely. I've been told I'm naturally a loner, by myself, spending most of my time alone, and while I love it, I also hate it. I've gone all these years without ANY special someone, even anyone I could say liked me, had a crush on me, had feelings for me, and unless you've experienced that yourself, you will NEVER know how it feels. Sure, some twelve or thirteen year olds out there might understand, but not to THIS point. Not at MY age. It's just pathetic and I don't understand. Nobody does who discovers that horrible fact. Just makes me feel like such a loser as I have nothing while EVERYONE else at least has had SOMETHING in their lives. Maybe not long, LONG relationships, but can at least say ONE person out there thought they were cute, or hot, or attractive, or wanted to spend time with them, get to know them, date them, etc, while I can't. Not in all these years I can't, and... it's just so sad.
I've learned to deal with my loneliness, or at least bury it down, but certain girls come around that just mean something to me. They stand out from the crowd and I really like them. Then, like always, nothing happens. Whether they find out that I like them or not, they never like me back, and likely WOULD NEVER like me back. That's just a horrible feeling, cuz as much as you'd like to be friends, sure, you can never be more. And even in that case, the friend-case, I can't even have that. I can't even be a good friend in their lives, someone they care about, think about, talk about to other people. No, I'm nothing, and I'm afraid I'll always be nothing. I'll always be insignificant, no matter what I do, and I wonder why I deserve everything to be like this... and if it'll ever change... :(
Friday, October 31, 2008
My Self-Hatred & Another Dream
I like myself, at least some aspects, but deep down, I don't think I like myself very much. I not only have some body issues and often times dislike my appearance, but I also hate all the weak parts of myself that mask and hold down the GREAT parts of me that EVERYONE should see and love. And like they say, if I don't like myself, how can I EVER expect some sweet, caring, and wonderful girl to EVER like me either? Hell, ANY girl? Meanwhile, in order for me to like myself, I think I NEED a girl to care about me, so I can see my own self-worth through their eyes, so to speak, so therefore it's a huge fucking Catch-22, aka I'm eternally fucked.
I feel like shit tonight. I had a really sad, yet wonderful (at the end) dream last night, and forgot about it all day, until just earlier. I was thinking it over in my head and it brought tears to my eyes, realizing how sad it was, and how fantastically happy I felt at the end of it. And most of all, how TOTALLY unhappy I am in real life, and the growing fear that I'll never be that happy, no matter how long I live.
Basically, there's this girl. I really like her, like in a way I've NEVER liked a girl before. Usually they're really pretty, or nice to me, caring, or I feel like they know me and still don't SHUN me, or something, but this girl... She's just something else. She's so unique, and crazy, and goofy, and funny, and just awesome. I think we meshed really well what little bit we did spend time together, but as of late, I've barely seen her. I've been doing my best to try to spend time with her, to even see her AT ALL, but like almost all things in my life, it's ended in utter failure, over and over and over. So, back to the dream...
I'm in some building with lots of doors, some in front leading to the outside, and many inside, going all over the place. It's not supposed to feel like a maze, but to me, it is. I'm constantly going through door after door, searching for this girl. Every single time it seems I'm about to FINALLY catch her, she gets away again. I call out her name, asking for her to stop, to just talk to me for a minute, cuz I miss her, I want to look into her eyes, just see her for a moment. I follow her throughout the building, door after door after door, and each time I get close, she slips away again. The building is empty, but for some reason, I just can't catch her, but I keep trying. I do NOT give up, even though I'm tired, depressed, and nearly crying from frustration and sadness of not being able to see her.
I follow and follow and follow, and finally, I see her go through the front doors. I BURST out after her, and FINALLY catch her. I grab her by the arm, turning her towards me and stare deeply into her eyes. I see her smile, which draws a smile from me as well. I tell her how glad I am to finally see her, to talk to her, cuz she's been gone so long. I say how much I've missed her, and simply reach out to hug her. I wrap my arms around her back, holding her tightly, and feel her arms go around me. We hold each other tightly, and the hug, the embrace, it seems to go on forever. It's like time is frozen around us, and I simply look down at her, gazing into her eyes, and both of us are nothing but happy. I FINALLY feel happy, finally, as I can't even think of what to tell her now, and then... I wake up.
It was a wonderful dream that didn't really affect me earlier, just after I got up, but earlier, and now, it's just... so touching. I didn't realize I liked that girl as much as I apparently do, but nonetheless, I gotta let her go. She's just too good for me, too awesome, too out of my reach, literally and metaphorically, and will forever be, so all I can do is wish her the best and move on, trying to forget about her the best I can. I wish she could know how highly I think of her, but I doubt she ever will. I also hope she's happy no matter where she is or what she does, cuz she's just a great person, and I'm not sure I'll ever meet a girl like her ever again.
So to her, I say goodbye.
I feel like shit tonight. I had a really sad, yet wonderful (at the end) dream last night, and forgot about it all day, until just earlier. I was thinking it over in my head and it brought tears to my eyes, realizing how sad it was, and how fantastically happy I felt at the end of it. And most of all, how TOTALLY unhappy I am in real life, and the growing fear that I'll never be that happy, no matter how long I live.
Basically, there's this girl. I really like her, like in a way I've NEVER liked a girl before. Usually they're really pretty, or nice to me, caring, or I feel like they know me and still don't SHUN me, or something, but this girl... She's just something else. She's so unique, and crazy, and goofy, and funny, and just awesome. I think we meshed really well what little bit we did spend time together, but as of late, I've barely seen her. I've been doing my best to try to spend time with her, to even see her AT ALL, but like almost all things in my life, it's ended in utter failure, over and over and over. So, back to the dream...
I'm in some building with lots of doors, some in front leading to the outside, and many inside, going all over the place. It's not supposed to feel like a maze, but to me, it is. I'm constantly going through door after door, searching for this girl. Every single time it seems I'm about to FINALLY catch her, she gets away again. I call out her name, asking for her to stop, to just talk to me for a minute, cuz I miss her, I want to look into her eyes, just see her for a moment. I follow her throughout the building, door after door after door, and each time I get close, she slips away again. The building is empty, but for some reason, I just can't catch her, but I keep trying. I do NOT give up, even though I'm tired, depressed, and nearly crying from frustration and sadness of not being able to see her.
I follow and follow and follow, and finally, I see her go through the front doors. I BURST out after her, and FINALLY catch her. I grab her by the arm, turning her towards me and stare deeply into her eyes. I see her smile, which draws a smile from me as well. I tell her how glad I am to finally see her, to talk to her, cuz she's been gone so long. I say how much I've missed her, and simply reach out to hug her. I wrap my arms around her back, holding her tightly, and feel her arms go around me. We hold each other tightly, and the hug, the embrace, it seems to go on forever. It's like time is frozen around us, and I simply look down at her, gazing into her eyes, and both of us are nothing but happy. I FINALLY feel happy, finally, as I can't even think of what to tell her now, and then... I wake up.
It was a wonderful dream that didn't really affect me earlier, just after I got up, but earlier, and now, it's just... so touching. I didn't realize I liked that girl as much as I apparently do, but nonetheless, I gotta let her go. She's just too good for me, too awesome, too out of my reach, literally and metaphorically, and will forever be, so all I can do is wish her the best and move on, trying to forget about her the best I can. I wish she could know how highly I think of her, but I doubt she ever will. I also hope she's happy no matter where she is or what she does, cuz she's just a great person, and I'm not sure I'll ever meet a girl like her ever again.
So to her, I say goodbye.
Friday, October 24, 2008
My Crazy, Crappity Evening
Okay, so the day started fine. Got up, played some VC, helped out with stupid cable problems, and then ate a little and left with my friend to see a movie that my friend was going to be in. We drove well over an hour to get there, with confusing zig-zag directions, and tons of stupid construction blocking off most of our paths the closer we got to our destination. That part was annoying, sure, but fun enough, as he said, "an adventure".
We finally arrived, parked across the street from the theater, and thought we were like 20 minutes late at that point. There had been confusing times for the movie, either 8pm or 9pm, and it was conflicting, and yes, as I said, confusing. We got there about 8:20pm and FORTUNATELY, when we walked up, it said 9pm movie start, so we had some time to blow. We walked down to the bookstore, roamed around a bit, then headed back. At the entrance, we spotted our friend, said hello, each got a short hug before she said she was off to fix some emergency and promised she'd be back. We went inside, bought our tix, and waited for the show to begin. Sadly, that is when EVERYTHING went to complete and utter shit.
Movie was supposed to start at 9:10pm, but at like 9:30pm, they said the problem was that they didn't have the movie to show. They were retreiving it, I guess, and said another half hour. I was fine with that, we were there, and already it took an hour to get to the theater, so we could wait an hour for the actual movie to start up. I was cool, just found somewhere to stand and patiently waited, enjoying a bit looking around at all the freaky people there, and surprisingly, quite a few hot chicks. It was nice. I kept checking the clock, and 10pm turned to 10:15, then 10:30, and soon 10:45, and at that point, being left all alone, bored as fuck, and hearing some news I did NOT like to hear, I was fucking done.
I already didn't give a shit about the movie, BESIDES the fact that my friend was in it, then add in my WORSENING mood to my boredom and aching body from standing for a while, then sitting awkwardly and painfully for nearly two hours and GODDAMN, I wanted to fucking go ASAP. Fortunately, my friend was willing to go, even JUST as the movie was finally there and people were lining up to watch.
I ONLY went there to support our friend and her movie that I know she'd worked hard on, and ended up wasting two hours, was totally alienated and alone, and only saw her for a GRAND total of 30 seconds, which was 30 seconds more than I'd seen her in the last nearly four months. So yeah, it sucked fucking ass. I was miserable ON TOP of my normal misery and depression, but I did feel really bad that I seemed to have dragged my friend down by "being myself" and asking to leave RIGHT as the movie was going to start. I just had to leave, so I'm very thankful to him that he was willing to go, cuz I'm sure 99% of people in this world woudn't have done that for me.
Anyway, we left, and within minutes, I felt a TON better. I avoided saying "bye" to our friend, cuz I didn't want to disappoint her knowing that we bailed out on seeing the movie. I don't care WHAT excuse we would have said in front of her, none of it would have been good enough for her. I felt horrible for ditching, but I felt BEYOND horrible already, so instead I just fled, pretty much. Anywhore, we were on the road again, and I felt nearly normal. We jumped on the freeway to get back "home" and after driving and driving and driving, seeming like the right direction, BAM, I look up to see Ford Field. Yes, we'd ended up in Detroit, which is NOT where we were heading, so yeah, MORE suck on TOP of an already sucky night. Fortunately, I called my bro and he sent us back on the right track.
It took a while to find the ACTUAL route back onto the freeway, but we managed, and after problem after problem, freak out after freak out (me freaking out at the theater, and then him freaking out cuz we almost got into an accident), we were FINALLY back to familiar territory. Then we hung out at the bowling alley some, then back here, watched an AMAZING episode of Impact (ha, sarcasm) and now blogging about one of the craziest, and crappiest nights I've had in a long time.
Looking back, I can say that dealing with SO much shitty shit in one evening made me REALLY enjoy being home. It also made me kinda try to focus on things that matter in my life, which is work for now, and HOPEFULLY doing some more photography if ANY goddamn girl is EVER willing to shoot with me EVER again. It honestly wasn't COMPLETELY horrible, cuz having an "adventure" with my friend was fun, and overall, it wasn't too bad. Many parts sucked, and I'd NEVER repeat it, but I guess I can look on the bright side now that I'm home and warm in my jammies (he he). I'm gonna try to do some constructive stuff the next few days and just see what happens. Pretty simple.
Plus, it feels good to FINALLY have some kind of "event" in my life that I can come home and blog about! YIPPIE!!1
We finally arrived, parked across the street from the theater, and thought we were like 20 minutes late at that point. There had been confusing times for the movie, either 8pm or 9pm, and it was conflicting, and yes, as I said, confusing. We got there about 8:20pm and FORTUNATELY, when we walked up, it said 9pm movie start, so we had some time to blow. We walked down to the bookstore, roamed around a bit, then headed back. At the entrance, we spotted our friend, said hello, each got a short hug before she said she was off to fix some emergency and promised she'd be back. We went inside, bought our tix, and waited for the show to begin. Sadly, that is when EVERYTHING went to complete and utter shit.
Movie was supposed to start at 9:10pm, but at like 9:30pm, they said the problem was that they didn't have the movie to show. They were retreiving it, I guess, and said another half hour. I was fine with that, we were there, and already it took an hour to get to the theater, so we could wait an hour for the actual movie to start up. I was cool, just found somewhere to stand and patiently waited, enjoying a bit looking around at all the freaky people there, and surprisingly, quite a few hot chicks. It was nice. I kept checking the clock, and 10pm turned to 10:15, then 10:30, and soon 10:45, and at that point, being left all alone, bored as fuck, and hearing some news I did NOT like to hear, I was fucking done.
I already didn't give a shit about the movie, BESIDES the fact that my friend was in it, then add in my WORSENING mood to my boredom and aching body from standing for a while, then sitting awkwardly and painfully for nearly two hours and GODDAMN, I wanted to fucking go ASAP. Fortunately, my friend was willing to go, even JUST as the movie was finally there and people were lining up to watch.
I ONLY went there to support our friend and her movie that I know she'd worked hard on, and ended up wasting two hours, was totally alienated and alone, and only saw her for a GRAND total of 30 seconds, which was 30 seconds more than I'd seen her in the last nearly four months. So yeah, it sucked fucking ass. I was miserable ON TOP of my normal misery and depression, but I did feel really bad that I seemed to have dragged my friend down by "being myself" and asking to leave RIGHT as the movie was going to start. I just had to leave, so I'm very thankful to him that he was willing to go, cuz I'm sure 99% of people in this world woudn't have done that for me.
Anyway, we left, and within minutes, I felt a TON better. I avoided saying "bye" to our friend, cuz I didn't want to disappoint her knowing that we bailed out on seeing the movie. I don't care WHAT excuse we would have said in front of her, none of it would have been good enough for her. I felt horrible for ditching, but I felt BEYOND horrible already, so instead I just fled, pretty much. Anywhore, we were on the road again, and I felt nearly normal. We jumped on the freeway to get back "home" and after driving and driving and driving, seeming like the right direction, BAM, I look up to see Ford Field. Yes, we'd ended up in Detroit, which is NOT where we were heading, so yeah, MORE suck on TOP of an already sucky night. Fortunately, I called my bro and he sent us back on the right track.
It took a while to find the ACTUAL route back onto the freeway, but we managed, and after problem after problem, freak out after freak out (me freaking out at the theater, and then him freaking out cuz we almost got into an accident), we were FINALLY back to familiar territory. Then we hung out at the bowling alley some, then back here, watched an AMAZING episode of Impact (ha, sarcasm) and now blogging about one of the craziest, and crappiest nights I've had in a long time.
Looking back, I can say that dealing with SO much shitty shit in one evening made me REALLY enjoy being home. It also made me kinda try to focus on things that matter in my life, which is work for now, and HOPEFULLY doing some more photography if ANY goddamn girl is EVER willing to shoot with me EVER again. It honestly wasn't COMPLETELY horrible, cuz having an "adventure" with my friend was fun, and overall, it wasn't too bad. Many parts sucked, and I'd NEVER repeat it, but I guess I can look on the bright side now that I'm home and warm in my jammies (he he). I'm gonna try to do some constructive stuff the next few days and just see what happens. Pretty simple.
Plus, it feels good to FINALLY have some kind of "event" in my life that I can come home and blog about! YIPPIE!!1
Thursday, October 23, 2008
My Unspecialness
I don't think I'm special to pretty much anyone. Maybe my family, but besides that, no. I am not special. I'm just another idiot in the crowd. I do not stand out, just because I am shy, reserved, and don't SHOVE myself into focus in some idiotic plea for attention. No, I play it cool, chill, relax, and therefore I'm ignored, invisible, and forgotten, and I'm fucking tired of it.
Why can't I be special to anyone? Why can't I be important? Why can't ANYONE go out of their way to help me, besides maybe one or two people that are nearly the ONLY exceptions. Why am I doomed to be forgotten, invisible, and ignored, even when I DO put out effort to do the opposite? To be ACTUALLY noticed, helped, and appreciated? I just don't fucking know, and don't fucking understand whatsoever.
I hate looking around, seeing different websites, messages, comments, etc, where people care about one another, leave thoughtful messages for one another, are playful and cutesy and having fun, when I get NONE of that. I have no relationship with ANYONE, especially a girl, where I can go back and forth like that and truly feel like someone cares about me. I'm always looking around with envy of all the things, the relationships, everything that others have, I don't, and they are TOTALLY unappreciative of, and underestimate like fucking crazy. They take it all for granted, like it's the easiest, most simple thing in the world, meanwhile I DON'T have that, and it drives me nuts.
I have friends, sure, but almost NONE of which I think truly care about me. I'm just here, just around, once in a while, and besides that, no one gives a fuck. They're too "busy" to care about me, even when I'm like CRYING OUT FOR HELP! I don't know what the fuck to do to get people to fucking NOTICE ME, but I'm nearly at the point of NEVER caring again. I mean, why bother when shit will never change? Why give a fuck at all when no one APPARENTLY gives a fuck about me? It's not goddamn worth the effort to even THINK about anymore.
Tomorrow, I'm gonna go out and support one of my friends, someone I care about, someone I wish, no, I'd DIE to have a REAL friendship with, but either way, it's probably not going to matter. I'm going out of my way for someone, to see them, taking interest in things they have worked hard on, unlike MOST people do to me, like the VAST majority, but it still won't matter. It'll PROBABLY be a waste of my time, but whatever. I want to support my friend, whether I see her or not, so I will. Won't matter, but... bleh.
I also won't give up on this blog. Sure, it may be 99% bitching and negativity, but hey, that's me, and no one's reading it anyway, so FUCK IT! Might as well vent every single evening with whatever problem, one of MILLIONS, that I have that night. Fun, fun, fun... :(
Why can't I be special to anyone? Why can't I be important? Why can't ANYONE go out of their way to help me, besides maybe one or two people that are nearly the ONLY exceptions. Why am I doomed to be forgotten, invisible, and ignored, even when I DO put out effort to do the opposite? To be ACTUALLY noticed, helped, and appreciated? I just don't fucking know, and don't fucking understand whatsoever.
I hate looking around, seeing different websites, messages, comments, etc, where people care about one another, leave thoughtful messages for one another, are playful and cutesy and having fun, when I get NONE of that. I have no relationship with ANYONE, especially a girl, where I can go back and forth like that and truly feel like someone cares about me. I'm always looking around with envy of all the things, the relationships, everything that others have, I don't, and they are TOTALLY unappreciative of, and underestimate like fucking crazy. They take it all for granted, like it's the easiest, most simple thing in the world, meanwhile I DON'T have that, and it drives me nuts.
I have friends, sure, but almost NONE of which I think truly care about me. I'm just here, just around, once in a while, and besides that, no one gives a fuck. They're too "busy" to care about me, even when I'm like CRYING OUT FOR HELP! I don't know what the fuck to do to get people to fucking NOTICE ME, but I'm nearly at the point of NEVER caring again. I mean, why bother when shit will never change? Why give a fuck at all when no one APPARENTLY gives a fuck about me? It's not goddamn worth the effort to even THINK about anymore.
Tomorrow, I'm gonna go out and support one of my friends, someone I care about, someone I wish, no, I'd DIE to have a REAL friendship with, but either way, it's probably not going to matter. I'm going out of my way for someone, to see them, taking interest in things they have worked hard on, unlike MOST people do to me, like the VAST majority, but it still won't matter. It'll PROBABLY be a waste of my time, but whatever. I want to support my friend, whether I see her or not, so I will. Won't matter, but... bleh.
I also won't give up on this blog. Sure, it may be 99% bitching and negativity, but hey, that's me, and no one's reading it anyway, so FUCK IT! Might as well vent every single evening with whatever problem, one of MILLIONS, that I have that night. Fun, fun, fun... :(
Monday, October 20, 2008
My Dream
All he wanted to do was hold her. He wanted to touch her, to stare into her eyes, to know that she loved him as much as he loved her. He wanted... no, needed to know that. He needed her, and needed to know that she needed him too.
He wanted to walk down the street and feel her hand reaching for his, holding hands together so happily as they walked along. He wanted to sit together, her lying against his chest, feeling her heart beating in tune with his own. He wanted to lay in bed, his arms wrapped around her, the sweet scent of her hair filling him with happiness. He wanted to see how comfortable she was with him, how much she trusted him, felt safe with him, and knew that everything would be all right as long as she was there with him.
He wanted to be the first thing she thought of when she woke in the morning, and the last thing she thought about when she went to bed at night. He wanted to know that she was always happy with him, always felt better when she was with him, and he could always cheer her up when she was down. He wanted her to see how beautiful she was through his eyes, and know that he would always love her.
He wanted so much from her, so much for her, but... deep down, feared that he'd never be anything at all to her. He feared he was nothing to the girl that he cared about more than anything, and a tear ran down his cheek as he lowered his head in sadness.
He wanted to walk down the street and feel her hand reaching for his, holding hands together so happily as they walked along. He wanted to sit together, her lying against his chest, feeling her heart beating in tune with his own. He wanted to lay in bed, his arms wrapped around her, the sweet scent of her hair filling him with happiness. He wanted to see how comfortable she was with him, how much she trusted him, felt safe with him, and knew that everything would be all right as long as she was there with him.
He wanted to be the first thing she thought of when she woke in the morning, and the last thing she thought about when she went to bed at night. He wanted to know that she was always happy with him, always felt better when she was with him, and he could always cheer her up when she was down. He wanted her to see how beautiful she was through his eyes, and know that he would always love her.
He wanted so much from her, so much for her, but... deep down, feared that he'd never be anything at all to her. He feared he was nothing to the girl that he cared about more than anything, and a tear ran down his cheek as he lowered his head in sadness.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
My Fear
I'm afraid. Afraid that by slipping further and further into the black hole, the abyss known as my depression and misery, that maybe I won't be able to return from it. Maybe I could just go too far into that sadness and never be able to be my "old self" again. Maybe I'll never be able to be happy ever again...
Everything just seems so bleak, so hopeless, so dark, and uncaring. I keep hitting new lows, over and over, and I'm just not sure how far down I'll go before things get better, or... maybe I slip away completely. I'm afraid that by becoming TOO depressed, I won't appreciate anything anymore, and nothing will satisfy me. Even if good things happen, I'm so afraid that I won't notice, or won't care, cuz I'm just so fucking miserable. Maybe I'll meet a cute, sweet, and AMAZING girl that will make me happier than I've ever been, but I'll be so consumed with everything, my misery, my anger, frustration, all of that, and maybe I'll pass her by. I won't even notice her, and not be myself, therefore she won't notice me and I'll be doomed to be single and lonely for the rest of my life.
I keep trying to be happy, to appreciate things, to look forward to stuff, to have hope in the future, but things almost always fail me, let me down, and leave me worse than when I started. Project after project, idea after idea, plan after plan get ruined, or cancelled, or forgotten, and I'm just not sure how much more I can do with so little hope and effort left inside of me. It's difficult for me to try normally, but then add on TOP of all that my horrible mood the last few months and I can barely do shit, let alone things that are outside my comfort zone, which is sadly many, MANY things.
What's gonna save me? Someone? Something? Some WONDERFUL girl to FINALLY make me confident in myself? Some awesome opportunity where I can make some money doing something I really enjoy? Finally publishing my book? Having people FINALLY help me? Doing a ton more shoots? Getting some appreciation? People caring about me? Will ANYTHING be able to save me from all of this misery? This depression? The hopelessness? I really don't know...
Everything just seems so bleak, so hopeless, so dark, and uncaring. I keep hitting new lows, over and over, and I'm just not sure how far down I'll go before things get better, or... maybe I slip away completely. I'm afraid that by becoming TOO depressed, I won't appreciate anything anymore, and nothing will satisfy me. Even if good things happen, I'm so afraid that I won't notice, or won't care, cuz I'm just so fucking miserable. Maybe I'll meet a cute, sweet, and AMAZING girl that will make me happier than I've ever been, but I'll be so consumed with everything, my misery, my anger, frustration, all of that, and maybe I'll pass her by. I won't even notice her, and not be myself, therefore she won't notice me and I'll be doomed to be single and lonely for the rest of my life.
I keep trying to be happy, to appreciate things, to look forward to stuff, to have hope in the future, but things almost always fail me, let me down, and leave me worse than when I started. Project after project, idea after idea, plan after plan get ruined, or cancelled, or forgotten, and I'm just not sure how much more I can do with so little hope and effort left inside of me. It's difficult for me to try normally, but then add on TOP of all that my horrible mood the last few months and I can barely do shit, let alone things that are outside my comfort zone, which is sadly many, MANY things.
What's gonna save me? Someone? Something? Some WONDERFUL girl to FINALLY make me confident in myself? Some awesome opportunity where I can make some money doing something I really enjoy? Finally publishing my book? Having people FINALLY help me? Doing a ton more shoots? Getting some appreciation? People caring about me? Will ANYTHING be able to save me from all of this misery? This depression? The hopelessness? I really don't know...
Saturday, October 18, 2008
My Frustration
I write in this blog every single night now, and have been for the last month or so. I try to write cool stuff, interesting stuff, stuff related to my story, or poetry, or "deep" confessions about my feelings, or the events of my life, or WHATEVER, but since nothing happens in my life, I can't write story shit anymore, and I'm not great at making up poetry on the fly, every single FUCKING night I have NO fucking clue what to write. I think and think, and lately pick an idea and go with it for about a paragraph before I realize it's PURE SHIT.
The ONLY good things I write are my ramblings (shockingly enough, look at the title of my blog) where I just write and write and write off the top of my head and don't even care. It's not meant to be deep or meaningful or whatever, just LASHING OUT about whatever's on my mind, MOST of the time which is bad shit.
I've just grown to HATE this blogging, even though I SHOULD love it, and mostly cuz it's goddamn pointless. No one is reading this, no one cares what I do or what I care about or seemingly MUCH about me, so why the fuck bother? It's just me writing shit for myself without REAL meaning, and I already think my own thoughts ALL FUCKING DAY LONG, so... yes, almost completely pointless. Sure, sometimes I feel a TINY bit better after I write something, and a few blogs WERE cool story stuff, but people STILL wont read it. No matter what, people DON'T give a shit about me or the things that I work SO fucking hard on. Jesus christ, I'm pissed off.
Okay... FUCK. I guess I'm just gonna stop there cuz I'm too angry to think of ANYTHING worthwhile to write now that I bitched some more, aka "whined" but it doesn't fucking matter anyway. I'm gonna go read some more Anita Blake, which is FUCKING AWESOME, aka the OPPOSITE of the horrible piece of fucking shit known as Twilight, then sleep a few hours, then EARLY brunch before I feel like shit all day and wait around for the wrestling show that evening. Let's PRAY that goes well, otherwise I'll hit rock bottom AGAIN and goddamn, I don't know if my mind can handle any more bad news. I'm fucking miserable enough as it is.
P.S. Fucking fuck, do I hate my life. And fuck you for not caring about me.
The ONLY good things I write are my ramblings (shockingly enough, look at the title of my blog) where I just write and write and write off the top of my head and don't even care. It's not meant to be deep or meaningful or whatever, just LASHING OUT about whatever's on my mind, MOST of the time which is bad shit.
I've just grown to HATE this blogging, even though I SHOULD love it, and mostly cuz it's goddamn pointless. No one is reading this, no one cares what I do or what I care about or seemingly MUCH about me, so why the fuck bother? It's just me writing shit for myself without REAL meaning, and I already think my own thoughts ALL FUCKING DAY LONG, so... yes, almost completely pointless. Sure, sometimes I feel a TINY bit better after I write something, and a few blogs WERE cool story stuff, but people STILL wont read it. No matter what, people DON'T give a shit about me or the things that I work SO fucking hard on. Jesus christ, I'm pissed off.
Okay... FUCK. I guess I'm just gonna stop there cuz I'm too angry to think of ANYTHING worthwhile to write now that I bitched some more, aka "whined" but it doesn't fucking matter anyway. I'm gonna go read some more Anita Blake, which is FUCKING AWESOME, aka the OPPOSITE of the horrible piece of fucking shit known as Twilight, then sleep a few hours, then EARLY brunch before I feel like shit all day and wait around for the wrestling show that evening. Let's PRAY that goes well, otherwise I'll hit rock bottom AGAIN and goddamn, I don't know if my mind can handle any more bad news. I'm fucking miserable enough as it is.
P.S. Fucking fuck, do I hate my life. And fuck you for not caring about me.
Friday, October 17, 2008
My Venting
Do I really matter? How much do I mean to people? I mean, I'm not asking if I were dead, or to die, would people care, but seriously, how much do I affect people? Let's say I left right now on a trip and was gone for a few months, how much would things change? Who would be sad to see me gone and look forward to seeing me when I got back? Who would even care about the details of this random trip where I'd be gone, when I'm ALWAYS home and going on some trip like that would SO totally not be like me? Does anything I do, any effort I put out, does any of it REALLY matter?
Seriously. I mean, I've been writing these blogs for a month or so now, doing for me and purely me, but now, I've been posting some links on MySpace, kinda slightly "advertising" for it, and nothing. Nothing I EVER do, no matter HOW much effort I put out, it's like NOTHING fucking matters. Nothing at all. I could try a little, try a lot, or not try at all, and either way, people don't give a shit and nothing matters. Apparently I don't matter.
I ask for help, I try to help people, I'm a good person overall, and ANYONE can see that, but meanwhile I'm ignored, forgotten, left behind, and from what I see, nobody cares about me. Sure, they wouldn't want me hurt or whatever, but they don't REALLY care. They're not REALLY friends who help out when help is needed, which I GREATLY need as of late with my entire life being flushed down the goddamn toilet, but no, they're not there to help me. I help and try and put out effort, am SO fucking nice, NEVER nag people, but people SOMEHOW ignore me? I don't fucking understand it.
If I found out that ANY of my friends were in the situation I was in, I'd do SOMETHING to help them out, even the TINIEST thing so they'd know that SOMEBODY out there actually cares about them. But no, I get nothing. I ask for comments for my photos, and nothing. I ask for people to read my book, and give feedback, but again, nothing. I ask for ANY kind of help with web design, or finding clients, or getting girls to model for me, and a few other IMPORTANT things, but no, again, NOTHING. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND IT. And even though I'm rambling on about this, blogging my TRUE thoughts about things that REALLY anger me, upset me, frustrate me, and HIGHLY confuse me, does it even matter anyway? Am I wasting my goddamn time blogging about something that will NEVER change no matter what I do? Seriously fucking seems like it to me.
Why don't people come to me to ask for help? For advice? Why don't people care about me enough to help me out with my problems? Why are people APPARENTLY so consumed with their own lives, and often their own retarded drama that they aren't even willing to help me out when I'm the NICEST fucking guy I know? I'm not asking for brain surgery here, or even large sums of money, or THOUSANDS of hours of time and effort. No, I'm asking for SIMPLE shit, basically for people to care, and they can't even fucking do THAT for me. Am I not worth it? Do I not deserve people's attention? Am I the same with people in general now that I am with girls, where I'm practically ignored and shunned? Somebody tell me, cuz I'm fucking lost.
I'm seriously at PROBABLY the lowest point of my entire life, and have been for months, and I'm telling people my problems, I'm hinting at things, I'm sometimes BLATENTLY saying that I'm miserable, but what has come of it? ALMOST NOTHING! Nothing when I'm seriously miserable and depressed and I feel like I'm losing everything I care about, and nearly have no hope left. Things are HORRIBLE for me, with VERY few things that make me happy anymore, and I'm asking for help, but no one is willing to help me. Things keep falling through, nearly everything sucks, and I don't know what to do.
I've been bitching about the LACK of caring about my books for months, and nothing. I've been taking photos for months and BARELY anyone notices or cares. I mean, what the FUCK do I have to do to get some goddamn attention? Just cuz I'm reserved DOESN'T mean I should be fucking overlooked, taken for granted, and unappreciated! I am a TREMENDOUSLY great person, but I only know of a handful of people that I can say HONESTLY know me and appreciate me. The rest, I have no clue, and I'm sure they don't appreciate me. Sure of it.
I just don't know what to say or do anymore, cuz nothing seems to work out, nobody gives a flying fuck unless it DIRECTLY helps them, and life PRETTY much sucks. Sure, there's little "happy times" here and there, as to be expected, but MOST of the time, I'm not in a good goddamn mood, and disappointed in nearly everything and everyone for failing me, when I should be doing a TON better in my life right now than I currently am, jobless, broke, and can't even find any girls willing to take photos with me so I can do one of the ONLY things I even fucking enjoy anymore: Photography. I try and try, push and push, not TOO much, but enough, but no matter what, I'm ignored, blown off, and forgotten.
How the fuck do people get a message from me asking for IMPORTANT stuff, they read it, and then NEVER goddamn respond? How the fuck is that possible? How are people SO fucking self-consumed or, as they say, "busy" that they can get an IMPORTANT message from me and NEVER bother responding? I do NOT understand how anyone can do that, especially friends. Sure, I may not respond ASAP, but EVENTUALLY, I ALWAYS get back to people, cuz I FUCKING CARE!
I guess I'm nearly the only one. I guess nearly EVERYONE else just doesn't give a fuck about anything NOT directly relating to themselves. I guess my awesomeness doesn't even matter, just like I don't matter, so what the fuck ever. Fuck it. I should just stop caring, stop bitching, cuz nothing's gonna change either way. Try or not, put out effort or not, I can't rely on 99% of people in this world, so I might as well not even bother.
Goddamn, I feel like shit, and it's all cuz of a certain girl I care about and me realizing there is NOTHING I can do to help her, even though I'd do almost ANYTHING to make her feel even a TINY bit better. It's so fucking pathetic and I feel so fucking useless. She's so great, and still upset about something, and I am nothing to her, just like I'm nothing to PRACTICALLY everyone. I feel so bad, all of a sudden, that I could almost cry... :(
Seriously. I mean, I've been writing these blogs for a month or so now, doing for me and purely me, but now, I've been posting some links on MySpace, kinda slightly "advertising" for it, and nothing. Nothing I EVER do, no matter HOW much effort I put out, it's like NOTHING fucking matters. Nothing at all. I could try a little, try a lot, or not try at all, and either way, people don't give a shit and nothing matters. Apparently I don't matter.
I ask for help, I try to help people, I'm a good person overall, and ANYONE can see that, but meanwhile I'm ignored, forgotten, left behind, and from what I see, nobody cares about me. Sure, they wouldn't want me hurt or whatever, but they don't REALLY care. They're not REALLY friends who help out when help is needed, which I GREATLY need as of late with my entire life being flushed down the goddamn toilet, but no, they're not there to help me. I help and try and put out effort, am SO fucking nice, NEVER nag people, but people SOMEHOW ignore me? I don't fucking understand it.
If I found out that ANY of my friends were in the situation I was in, I'd do SOMETHING to help them out, even the TINIEST thing so they'd know that SOMEBODY out there actually cares about them. But no, I get nothing. I ask for comments for my photos, and nothing. I ask for people to read my book, and give feedback, but again, nothing. I ask for ANY kind of help with web design, or finding clients, or getting girls to model for me, and a few other IMPORTANT things, but no, again, NOTHING. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND IT. And even though I'm rambling on about this, blogging my TRUE thoughts about things that REALLY anger me, upset me, frustrate me, and HIGHLY confuse me, does it even matter anyway? Am I wasting my goddamn time blogging about something that will NEVER change no matter what I do? Seriously fucking seems like it to me.
Why don't people come to me to ask for help? For advice? Why don't people care about me enough to help me out with my problems? Why are people APPARENTLY so consumed with their own lives, and often their own retarded drama that they aren't even willing to help me out when I'm the NICEST fucking guy I know? I'm not asking for brain surgery here, or even large sums of money, or THOUSANDS of hours of time and effort. No, I'm asking for SIMPLE shit, basically for people to care, and they can't even fucking do THAT for me. Am I not worth it? Do I not deserve people's attention? Am I the same with people in general now that I am with girls, where I'm practically ignored and shunned? Somebody tell me, cuz I'm fucking lost.
I'm seriously at PROBABLY the lowest point of my entire life, and have been for months, and I'm telling people my problems, I'm hinting at things, I'm sometimes BLATENTLY saying that I'm miserable, but what has come of it? ALMOST NOTHING! Nothing when I'm seriously miserable and depressed and I feel like I'm losing everything I care about, and nearly have no hope left. Things are HORRIBLE for me, with VERY few things that make me happy anymore, and I'm asking for help, but no one is willing to help me. Things keep falling through, nearly everything sucks, and I don't know what to do.
I've been bitching about the LACK of caring about my books for months, and nothing. I've been taking photos for months and BARELY anyone notices or cares. I mean, what the FUCK do I have to do to get some goddamn attention? Just cuz I'm reserved DOESN'T mean I should be fucking overlooked, taken for granted, and unappreciated! I am a TREMENDOUSLY great person, but I only know of a handful of people that I can say HONESTLY know me and appreciate me. The rest, I have no clue, and I'm sure they don't appreciate me. Sure of it.
I just don't know what to say or do anymore, cuz nothing seems to work out, nobody gives a flying fuck unless it DIRECTLY helps them, and life PRETTY much sucks. Sure, there's little "happy times" here and there, as to be expected, but MOST of the time, I'm not in a good goddamn mood, and disappointed in nearly everything and everyone for failing me, when I should be doing a TON better in my life right now than I currently am, jobless, broke, and can't even find any girls willing to take photos with me so I can do one of the ONLY things I even fucking enjoy anymore: Photography. I try and try, push and push, not TOO much, but enough, but no matter what, I'm ignored, blown off, and forgotten.
How the fuck do people get a message from me asking for IMPORTANT stuff, they read it, and then NEVER goddamn respond? How the fuck is that possible? How are people SO fucking self-consumed or, as they say, "busy" that they can get an IMPORTANT message from me and NEVER bother responding? I do NOT understand how anyone can do that, especially friends. Sure, I may not respond ASAP, but EVENTUALLY, I ALWAYS get back to people, cuz I FUCKING CARE!
I guess I'm nearly the only one. I guess nearly EVERYONE else just doesn't give a fuck about anything NOT directly relating to themselves. I guess my awesomeness doesn't even matter, just like I don't matter, so what the fuck ever. Fuck it. I should just stop caring, stop bitching, cuz nothing's gonna change either way. Try or not, put out effort or not, I can't rely on 99% of people in this world, so I might as well not even bother.
Goddamn, I feel like shit, and it's all cuz of a certain girl I care about and me realizing there is NOTHING I can do to help her, even though I'd do almost ANYTHING to make her feel even a TINY bit better. It's so fucking pathetic and I feel so fucking useless. She's so great, and still upset about something, and I am nothing to her, just like I'm nothing to PRACTICALLY everyone. I feel so bad, all of a sudden, that I could almost cry... :(
Thursday, October 16, 2008
My Prison
It was dark. The room was completely silent. She was consumed with fear, terror, horror. Tears ran down her face as she looked around, desperately hoping to see something, hear something, anything that could help her. Sadly, she was all alone, just like she had been for... how long now? She couldn't even tell anymore. All she knew is that she had never been more scared in her entire life.
Her hands gripped the cold, metal bars. She was inside a cage, she'd realized, and it was small. Very small, like an animal cage, for some pet. She was tiny, weak, frail, so she'd never be able to summon the strength to bend the bars to escape. No, she was trapped, and most of all, she knew it. She sat in that tiny cage, hands wrapped around the bars, staring off into the pure darkness, listening for any other sign of life.
She had no idea how she'd gotten there, in that tiny, metal cage. She only remembered little flashes of a struggle, fighting, hands gripping her, hitting her in the face, and the pain as someone hit her, multiple times. Her face still hurt, a dull, aching pain, but her fear consumed her more than anything. She was all alone, and completely afraid of whatever was out there in that darkness. Someone had taken her, but for what reason? What purpose? What were they going to do with her? And most of all, would she survive?
She weeped, hands sliding down the bars and her head slumping down, almost lifelessly. She was losing hope, losing everything with every passing moment in that cage, within that dark room, her possible tomb. Tears dripped down into her lap, her body hunched over as she closed her eyes and put the rest of her energy into nearly silent whispers.
"Please save me. Somebody please save me. Somebody..."
Her hands gripped the cold, metal bars. She was inside a cage, she'd realized, and it was small. Very small, like an animal cage, for some pet. She was tiny, weak, frail, so she'd never be able to summon the strength to bend the bars to escape. No, she was trapped, and most of all, she knew it. She sat in that tiny cage, hands wrapped around the bars, staring off into the pure darkness, listening for any other sign of life.
She had no idea how she'd gotten there, in that tiny, metal cage. She only remembered little flashes of a struggle, fighting, hands gripping her, hitting her in the face, and the pain as someone hit her, multiple times. Her face still hurt, a dull, aching pain, but her fear consumed her more than anything. She was all alone, and completely afraid of whatever was out there in that darkness. Someone had taken her, but for what reason? What purpose? What were they going to do with her? And most of all, would she survive?
She weeped, hands sliding down the bars and her head slumping down, almost lifelessly. She was losing hope, losing everything with every passing moment in that cage, within that dark room, her possible tomb. Tears dripped down into her lap, her body hunched over as she closed her eyes and put the rest of her energy into nearly silent whispers.
"Please save me. Somebody please save me. Somebody..."
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
My Nervousness
There she is. Not even twenty feet from me, but it doesn't matter. Five feet or five miles, neither makes a difference in the end. I'm too frightened to ever talk to her. As much as I'd LOVE to, as much as having her acknowledge me, even with one single look, a single smile, would light me up and make me happier than I've been in years, I just... can't. I'm terrified. She intimidates me. There are about a million things I can think of off the top of my head that I'd be more willing to do than just walk the few feet between us and say a simple "hi".
I don't know what's wrong with me, but that's just how I am. I just can't have anything to do with her. People ask if I'm afraid of rejection, and honestly, thinking about it, I'm really not. I mean, if she blows me off, whatever. It sucks, but I'll live. They then say if I don't care about being rejected, why the hell am I so afraid of her? Intimidated? And I just don't know. I DO know that even the THOUGHT of coming up to her, speaking her name, having her turn to me, look into my eyes, the entire thing just scares the shit out of me, for some strange reason, and I'm not sure if that will ever change.
I'm just so timid, so shy, so awkward, not really afraid of rejection, but pretty sure in some way I WOULD screw up, or just come off looking like some doofus, either stuttering or mumbling or not saying the right thing, not being casual, cool, nice, but being a complete moron. Then I'd PROBABLY feel even worse cuz I blew it, rather than being my ABSOLUTE best and she just happens not to like me, or talk to me, or whatever.
But bleh, I don't even know why I worry about it so much, or think about it at all. I'm never gonna talk to her. She's too gorgeous. Too nice. Too sweet, and funny, and... beautiful. Too wonderful. I admire her from afar, too afraid to ever get close, and doomed to be completely alone. She just always seems so happy, so cheerful, laughing and joking with her friends, and I'm kind of afraid of ruining that. I'd come over, look like an idiot, and then affect her in some negative way. I'd prefer her to be happy without me than awkward or annoyed with me around, bothering her.
I hate the idea of bugging her, of ruining her fun, messing up her day, being a nuisance. I think that's probably a lot of it. As much as I like myself, cuz I'm a cool guy, nice, funny, and all that, I'm like... not good enough for her. I'm different from her, and even TRYING to be around her, to talk to her, to be her friend, to be MORE than a friend, I'd just be... wasting my time. Her time too. I have no choice, so why bother?
A girl like her would NEVER be interested in a guy like me. That's probably why I don't bother, cuz I'm sure she'd never appreciate me. I'm not the kinda guy she's interested in. I'm not some "hot" jerk who only dates her cuz of her looks. I'm not some arrogant asshole that pushes her around and tells her what to do. I'd respect her, care for her, and... sadly, that's probably not what she's looking for.
The saddest thing of all is that she probably doesn't even know I exist. As much as I like her, admire her, and would DIE to just talk to her, I'm nothing to her. Absolutely nothing...
She turns her head. She suddenly stares across the room, across the picnic table, almost as if her eyes are searching for something. Her friends are laughing and joking all around her, but she's almost distant from them. Staring off, she looks in my direction, no, directly at me, and... she smiles. I can't breathe... No way... I don't believe it...
I finally exist.
I don't know what's wrong with me, but that's just how I am. I just can't have anything to do with her. People ask if I'm afraid of rejection, and honestly, thinking about it, I'm really not. I mean, if she blows me off, whatever. It sucks, but I'll live. They then say if I don't care about being rejected, why the hell am I so afraid of her? Intimidated? And I just don't know. I DO know that even the THOUGHT of coming up to her, speaking her name, having her turn to me, look into my eyes, the entire thing just scares the shit out of me, for some strange reason, and I'm not sure if that will ever change.
I'm just so timid, so shy, so awkward, not really afraid of rejection, but pretty sure in some way I WOULD screw up, or just come off looking like some doofus, either stuttering or mumbling or not saying the right thing, not being casual, cool, nice, but being a complete moron. Then I'd PROBABLY feel even worse cuz I blew it, rather than being my ABSOLUTE best and she just happens not to like me, or talk to me, or whatever.
But bleh, I don't even know why I worry about it so much, or think about it at all. I'm never gonna talk to her. She's too gorgeous. Too nice. Too sweet, and funny, and... beautiful. Too wonderful. I admire her from afar, too afraid to ever get close, and doomed to be completely alone. She just always seems so happy, so cheerful, laughing and joking with her friends, and I'm kind of afraid of ruining that. I'd come over, look like an idiot, and then affect her in some negative way. I'd prefer her to be happy without me than awkward or annoyed with me around, bothering her.
I hate the idea of bugging her, of ruining her fun, messing up her day, being a nuisance. I think that's probably a lot of it. As much as I like myself, cuz I'm a cool guy, nice, funny, and all that, I'm like... not good enough for her. I'm different from her, and even TRYING to be around her, to talk to her, to be her friend, to be MORE than a friend, I'd just be... wasting my time. Her time too. I have no choice, so why bother?
A girl like her would NEVER be interested in a guy like me. That's probably why I don't bother, cuz I'm sure she'd never appreciate me. I'm not the kinda guy she's interested in. I'm not some "hot" jerk who only dates her cuz of her looks. I'm not some arrogant asshole that pushes her around and tells her what to do. I'd respect her, care for her, and... sadly, that's probably not what she's looking for.
The saddest thing of all is that she probably doesn't even know I exist. As much as I like her, admire her, and would DIE to just talk to her, I'm nothing to her. Absolutely nothing...
She turns her head. She suddenly stares across the room, across the picnic table, almost as if her eyes are searching for something. Her friends are laughing and joking all around her, but she's almost distant from them. Staring off, she looks in my direction, no, directly at me, and... she smiles. I can't breathe... No way... I don't believe it...
I finally exist.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
My Quotes II
"I don't wanna be helped. I am beyond help. I wanna be hated. I want you to fucking hate me. Hate me with all that's inside of you. HATE ME!!!"
*****
"I'll always be there for you, but..."
"You lie, you fucking bitch. You never loved me. You never cared about me. It was all just a lie. One BIG lie to fuck with me. It hurts too much for me to even be around you anymore..."
*****
"You make me feel unappreciated. I want you to make me feel like the happiest man in the world, the luckiest man in the world, JUST to be around you, but you make me miserable. By not returning my love, you make me miserable, and angry, and bitter..."
*****
"No one ever compliments me. I feel like I am the only one who truly appreciates me. I know how great I am, but no one ever says it but me. I don't wanna be like everyone else. I wanna be special. I want people to like me. I want people to care about me. I want people to want to be around me... to spend time with me. I want to be irreplaceable..."
*****
"I'm so fucked up..."
*****
"I am myself."
*****
"I missed you."
*****
"I wanna be consumed. With love, or hate, or sadness, or depression, I don't care. I just want to be consumed, completely and totally. I NEED it..."
*****
"Why would anyone ever envy ME? I'm useless..."
*****
"In order to truly understand good, I must become evil..."
*****
"I'll always be there for you, but..."
"You lie, you fucking bitch. You never loved me. You never cared about me. It was all just a lie. One BIG lie to fuck with me. It hurts too much for me to even be around you anymore..."
*****
"You make me feel unappreciated. I want you to make me feel like the happiest man in the world, the luckiest man in the world, JUST to be around you, but you make me miserable. By not returning my love, you make me miserable, and angry, and bitter..."
*****
"No one ever compliments me. I feel like I am the only one who truly appreciates me. I know how great I am, but no one ever says it but me. I don't wanna be like everyone else. I wanna be special. I want people to like me. I want people to care about me. I want people to want to be around me... to spend time with me. I want to be irreplaceable..."
*****
"I'm so fucked up..."
*****
"I am myself."
*****
"I missed you."
*****
"I wanna be consumed. With love, or hate, or sadness, or depression, I don't care. I just want to be consumed, completely and totally. I NEED it..."
*****
"Why would anyone ever envy ME? I'm useless..."
*****
"In order to truly understand good, I must become evil..."
Monday, October 13, 2008
My Quotes
She couldn't look into his eyes anymore as she lowered her head in sadness and uttered, "People always leave..."
*****
"I'm different from when I left. I'm no longer the shy, reserved, little wuss that wasn't man enough for you. Now I'm older, wiser, more mature, and stronger. I am much stronger. I can be the man you need now, I promise."
*****
"Why won't you love me?"
"I do..."
"No you don't. Quit lying to me. Quit with your fucking lying. You don't need to 'protect' me anymore. Just be honest with me and tell me how you REALLY feel."
"I'm not protecting you..."
"BULLSHIT! You know me better than anyone ever has before and even YOU don't love me! What is wrong with me? Just tell me what's wrong with me and I'll change. I promise, I'll change. Just love me, please..."
*****
"Why can't you just be happy?"
"I just can't!"
"Why do you always have to sabotage your happiness when you find even a TINY bit of it?"
"I don't know! I'm just fucked up!"
*****
"I'm fucking done..."
*****
"I'm tired of you. Go away. Leave me alone."
*****
"Stop fucking with me!"
*****
"I've been dreaming about this for so long. You have no idea. I just never thought that I'd be dancing with you..."
*****
"You have to stop running away from your problems from now on, and face them head-on. That is the ONLY way that you'll EVER have a chance to be happy."
"I'm afraid..."
"I know, but just remember that I'll always be here to help you. I promise."
*****
"Why bother spending time with her or trying to make her happy? She'll never love me anyway..."
*****
"Even if it makes me 'happy' in the moment, it's just giving me false hope in the end."
*****
"You seem more... outgoing."
*****
"We're not meant to be..."
*****
"I'm different from when I left. I'm no longer the shy, reserved, little wuss that wasn't man enough for you. Now I'm older, wiser, more mature, and stronger. I am much stronger. I can be the man you need now, I promise."
*****
"Why won't you love me?"
"I do..."
"No you don't. Quit lying to me. Quit with your fucking lying. You don't need to 'protect' me anymore. Just be honest with me and tell me how you REALLY feel."
"I'm not protecting you..."
"BULLSHIT! You know me better than anyone ever has before and even YOU don't love me! What is wrong with me? Just tell me what's wrong with me and I'll change. I promise, I'll change. Just love me, please..."
*****
"Why can't you just be happy?"
"I just can't!"
"Why do you always have to sabotage your happiness when you find even a TINY bit of it?"
"I don't know! I'm just fucked up!"
*****
"I'm fucking done..."
*****
"I'm tired of you. Go away. Leave me alone."
*****
"Stop fucking with me!"
*****
"I've been dreaming about this for so long. You have no idea. I just never thought that I'd be dancing with you..."
*****
"You have to stop running away from your problems from now on, and face them head-on. That is the ONLY way that you'll EVER have a chance to be happy."
"I'm afraid..."
"I know, but just remember that I'll always be here to help you. I promise."
*****
"Why bother spending time with her or trying to make her happy? She'll never love me anyway..."
*****
"Even if it makes me 'happy' in the moment, it's just giving me false hope in the end."
*****
"You seem more... outgoing."
*****
"We're not meant to be..."
My Friend
When I first met her, she seemed so distant, so sad, so alone. I tried my best to be nice to her, to be friendly, to show her I care, and she began to open up before my very eyes. I could see something in her. Something special. Something wonderful. Something absolutely amazing and breathtaking. Then she got weird again.
It's as if there's a switch in her brain and with me, she's one way, and around others, she's someone else. I don't know who she is, or at least who she's trying to be, but somehow, someway, I think I can see the REAL her deep down, staring deeply into her eyes, and she's... beautiful.
I was her friend, and I think possibly the only one she had. We spent a lot of time together, got close, talked about ourselves, though me a lot more than her. The more we spoke, the more we connected, and the more she opened up to me, like a blooming flower. She'd be weird around others, but with me, only me, she would open up, and although she didn't talk about herself too much, I could see far more in her eyes than what she said with words. Soon, I liked nothing better than to just stare into her eyes, feeling like I could see all the way down to her soul, and she would always smile at me when I looked at her that way. I would then smile too, and I felt truly happy.
I miss her now. I had to leave. I had no choice, really. As much as I wanted to stay, there were more important things out there in the world, though I promised I'd return to her one day. And I will. I never break my promises. I also promised to write her every single day, and find some way to deliver the letters to her, no matter where I travelled. We shall see if she gets those letters, and when, but eventually, I'm sure she will. I care about my friend, even... love her, I think, and I will never stop feeling that way about her as long as I live.
So, to my friend, I would like to say that... I love you, and I can't wait to stare into your eyes again, see that smile of yours, and smile back with all the happiness in my heart. Until then...
It's as if there's a switch in her brain and with me, she's one way, and around others, she's someone else. I don't know who she is, or at least who she's trying to be, but somehow, someway, I think I can see the REAL her deep down, staring deeply into her eyes, and she's... beautiful.
I was her friend, and I think possibly the only one she had. We spent a lot of time together, got close, talked about ourselves, though me a lot more than her. The more we spoke, the more we connected, and the more she opened up to me, like a blooming flower. She'd be weird around others, but with me, only me, she would open up, and although she didn't talk about herself too much, I could see far more in her eyes than what she said with words. Soon, I liked nothing better than to just stare into her eyes, feeling like I could see all the way down to her soul, and she would always smile at me when I looked at her that way. I would then smile too, and I felt truly happy.
I miss her now. I had to leave. I had no choice, really. As much as I wanted to stay, there were more important things out there in the world, though I promised I'd return to her one day. And I will. I never break my promises. I also promised to write her every single day, and find some way to deliver the letters to her, no matter where I travelled. We shall see if she gets those letters, and when, but eventually, I'm sure she will. I care about my friend, even... love her, I think, and I will never stop feeling that way about her as long as I live.
So, to my friend, I would like to say that... I love you, and I can't wait to stare into your eyes again, see that smile of yours, and smile back with all the happiness in my heart. Until then...
Saturday, October 11, 2008
My Savior
I need you. I rely on you. I don't even know who you are, what you look like, what your name is, or anything about you, but I need you more than you may ever know. I don't know if you're my friend, some stranger, someone down the street, or across the country, even on the other side of the world. I don't know if I've met you yet, or will tomorrow, next week, next month, two years, five years, or even decades from now. I don't know your age, your background, your family, friends, job, location, or anything else. I know nothing about you, but I still need you, still rely on you so badly.
You are the girl of my dreams. No, you're not going to "fix" me, or make ALL my problems go away, but you'll be that piece of me, deep down inside, that I feel I've been missing since I was born, or at least since I realized something was missing. You are what I long for, what I desire, and what I ultimately am destined to find, to meet, to fall madly in love with. You are my soul mate.
The problem is, I know nothing about you, nothing at all, so I'm completely lost. I am miserable with my own life, with much of myself, but meanwhile I must find you somehow. How am I supposed to find this wonderful person out there that's meant for me when things are so dark, so depressing, so hopeless? I just don't know how. I try, and things fail me. I try again, and people fail me. I try, and try, and try, but VERY few things seem to work out, so how in the hell am I gonna be LUCKY enough to ever meet you? To ever have you notice me? To appreciate me? Let alone love me? I just... don't know.
Someday you will mean the world to me. I will love you more than I love myself. I would die for you, but... what do I do for now? What do I do until I find you? Until you find me? Until we can finally be together and complete one another? What am I... no, what are WE supposed to do until that day? I don't know what to do. I don't know what I'm SUPPOSED to do to find the right road, the correct path, to find you, and... afraid that maybe I screwed up. Maybe I'm not doing the right thing in order to find you, or... worse, maybe I'm not good enough. Maybe I don't try hard enough. Maybe I'm just not meant to be happy. Which is right? Which is correct? Which is the truth? I really wish I knew...
Please, save me... I beg of you...
You are the girl of my dreams. No, you're not going to "fix" me, or make ALL my problems go away, but you'll be that piece of me, deep down inside, that I feel I've been missing since I was born, or at least since I realized something was missing. You are what I long for, what I desire, and what I ultimately am destined to find, to meet, to fall madly in love with. You are my soul mate.
The problem is, I know nothing about you, nothing at all, so I'm completely lost. I am miserable with my own life, with much of myself, but meanwhile I must find you somehow. How am I supposed to find this wonderful person out there that's meant for me when things are so dark, so depressing, so hopeless? I just don't know how. I try, and things fail me. I try again, and people fail me. I try, and try, and try, but VERY few things seem to work out, so how in the hell am I gonna be LUCKY enough to ever meet you? To ever have you notice me? To appreciate me? Let alone love me? I just... don't know.
Someday you will mean the world to me. I will love you more than I love myself. I would die for you, but... what do I do for now? What do I do until I find you? Until you find me? Until we can finally be together and complete one another? What am I... no, what are WE supposed to do until that day? I don't know what to do. I don't know what I'm SUPPOSED to do to find the right road, the correct path, to find you, and... afraid that maybe I screwed up. Maybe I'm not doing the right thing in order to find you, or... worse, maybe I'm not good enough. Maybe I don't try hard enough. Maybe I'm just not meant to be happy. Which is right? Which is correct? Which is the truth? I really wish I knew...
Please, save me... I beg of you...
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