My Insignificance

I feel so insignificant. Like a speck of nothingness, even in the life of the one girl I care about most. She doesn't even realize how much I care about her, how highly I think of her, and I'll bet barely thinks about me at all. She makes me hate myself in how I feel about her, as I care so much about her and she cares so little about me. It's all unbalanced, and like life itself, it's all so unfair. I feel like I'll never be good enough to end up with a wonderful girl like her, and to know you'll never matter to someone who matters to you... It really sucks, and it hurts, and it's always been that way for me. Every single girl I've EVER liked has been the exact same way, then I just end up more miserable and alone in the end.

I think ever since I've been little, and knew what the word meant, deep down, I've always been lonely. I've been told I'm naturally a loner, by myself, spending most of my time alone, and while I love it, I also hate it. I've gone all these years without ANY special someone, even anyone I could say liked me, had a crush on me, had feelings for me, and unless you've experienced that yourself, you will NEVER know how it feels. Sure, some twelve or thirteen year olds out there might understand, but not to THIS point. Not at MY age. It's just pathetic and I don't understand. Nobody does who discovers that horrible fact. Just makes me feel like such a loser as I have nothing while EVERYONE else at least has had SOMETHING in their lives. Maybe not long, LONG relationships, but can at least say ONE person out there thought they were cute, or hot, or attractive, or wanted to spend time with them, get to know them, date them, etc, while I can't. Not in all these years I can't, and... it's just so sad.

I've learned to deal with my loneliness, or at least bury it down, but certain girls come around that just mean something to me. They stand out from the crowd and I really like them. Then, like always, nothing happens. Whether they find out that I like them or not, they never like me back, and likely WOULD NEVER like me back. That's just a horrible feeling, cuz as much as you'd like to be friends, sure, you can never be more. And even in that case, the friend-case, I can't even have that. I can't even be a good friend in their lives, someone they care about, think about, talk about to other people. No, I'm nothing, and I'm afraid I'll always be nothing. I'll always be insignificant, no matter what I do, and I wonder why I deserve everything to be like this... and if it'll ever change... :(