A year. That's how long it's been since I've posted in this blog. Give or take. So what has changed in the last year of my life? Not much. And what HAS changed has gotten undeniably worse. Not only are bad things happening to me, but now it seems my curse is spreading to those around me. My family, a friend, and I wouldn't doubt others, even. Things are worse right now than I can ever remember them being. It feels like there's a ticking clock, slowly counting down to bad, bad things. Even worse than now, and there's nothing I can do. Everything I've tried has failed. Every single attempt, completely pointless. Meaningless, and a waste of effort, of which I no longer have much. I'm just tired, and almost all my hope for the future has washed away. Right down the drain. Right along with all that "potential" I used to have.
I just feel so shitty. I tried to cheer myself up with a little chocolate treat, but all it's done is leave me with a disgusting feeling in my stomach and hating myself for even eating it in the first place. That's how most of my life feels like anymore. Sure, I may get tiny moments of enjoyment, distraction from this shitty, often uncaring world, but in the end, I feel miserable again and hate myself for even bothering. I just don't see the point. Sure, I got out once in a while, like tonight. Watched a VERY disappointing PPV with all my "friends", but in the end, here I am. Here I sit, miserable as always. If not worse.
I've realized how as the further I fall into the black hole that is my life, the more my mind is reaching, reaching back for even the TINIEST things from my past, whether they were good things or not. Reaching back for people, even girls who have ultimately shunned me, hurt me, and left me worse after all was said and done. Girls who broke my heart, and I THOUGHT I was over years ago. For some reason, in my sadness, in all this loneliness, I find myself thinking of them. And I hate it. And most of all, I hate myself for even bothering.
Why care about a few bitches in my past who treated me like shit in their various, uncaring and selfish ways? Why even CONSIDER the idea of trying to reach out to them again after so long? What are they gonna do for me? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, that's for sure. They will only hurt me, and my memories of the pain they caused me is the primary reason I'm not trying. I think of it often, but I'm doing nothing but thinking. I know they will hurt me again, and I know how afterward, I will be left an even more pathetic pile of nothing than I am even now, as we speak.
But still, I think of them, even if I'm SURE they're never thinking of me. It's never "Hey, I wonder how Marshall's doing?" or "I haven't heard from Marsh in a long time." or anything similar. No, I'm sure my name hasn't crossed their minds in a long, long time. I'm nothing to them. I never was, and never will be. But still, knowing that, I think of them, my shattered, darkened heart desperate for ANYTHING to make me feel even a SHRED better for a single moment. Even just a kind response by text, or a quick conversation in person, anything would theoretically bring me out of my darkness for a SPLIT second. But no. That's so unlikely. They don't care about me. No matter how much I may have cared for them, they do NOT care about me in the slightest.
I hate myself for how far I've fallen. And I hate the world for not realizing my fall, or even that I'm not "fine" at all. Nobody asks. Nobody seems to care. I've heard they do "care", or "they're trying" even if they've done NOTHING different in the last few years than ever before. "They just don't know what to do," they tell me. "They don't know how to help you." Bleh. Bleh, bleh, bleh.
And I'd like to know how a certain someone can be "trying" with me when they've done NOTHING AT ALL. NOTHING. Not ONE fucking thing. No phone calls, no text messages, no emails, NOTHING at all. Even in my presence, the bitch didn't do a GODDAMN thing. Just talked quietly with someone else about me, wondering why I was being all quiet and distant.
I honestly don't know exactly WHY I acted that way, or even why I did something similar today, practically unable to look the girl straight in the face, but that's how it was. I'm awkward. I'm uncomfortable with them. Maybe it's lingering feelings, or the discomfort of being in their vicinity, or simply my shyness from my earlier years coming back. I don't know, but I DO know that I've been distant from both girls on a couple of occasions, and I... I don't know. I can't explain why. I just know I feel shitty, and these girls, girls I've had feelings for in the past, maybe still do, are doing something to me, affecting me in ways I cannot explain. I'm not a bad guy for those actions. I'm just still a shy little boy without ANY experience with a female to speak of. So fuck you if you don't like it, because it's not like I'm doing it purposely. Try stepping in my shoes for ONE fucking day and tell me you'd do anything ANY differently.
:(
Showing posts with label lonely. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lonely. Show all posts
Monday, March 29, 2010
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
My Insignificance
I feel so insignificant. Like a speck of nothingness, even in the life of the one girl I care about most. She doesn't even realize how much I care about her, how highly I think of her, and I'll bet barely thinks about me at all. She makes me hate myself in how I feel about her, as I care so much about her and she cares so little about me. It's all unbalanced, and like life itself, it's all so unfair. I feel like I'll never be good enough to end up with a wonderful girl like her, and to know you'll never matter to someone who matters to you... It really sucks, and it hurts, and it's always been that way for me. Every single girl I've EVER liked has been the exact same way, then I just end up more miserable and alone in the end.
I think ever since I've been little, and knew what the word meant, deep down, I've always been lonely. I've been told I'm naturally a loner, by myself, spending most of my time alone, and while I love it, I also hate it. I've gone all these years without ANY special someone, even anyone I could say liked me, had a crush on me, had feelings for me, and unless you've experienced that yourself, you will NEVER know how it feels. Sure, some twelve or thirteen year olds out there might understand, but not to THIS point. Not at MY age. It's just pathetic and I don't understand. Nobody does who discovers that horrible fact. Just makes me feel like such a loser as I have nothing while EVERYONE else at least has had SOMETHING in their lives. Maybe not long, LONG relationships, but can at least say ONE person out there thought they were cute, or hot, or attractive, or wanted to spend time with them, get to know them, date them, etc, while I can't. Not in all these years I can't, and... it's just so sad.
I've learned to deal with my loneliness, or at least bury it down, but certain girls come around that just mean something to me. They stand out from the crowd and I really like them. Then, like always, nothing happens. Whether they find out that I like them or not, they never like me back, and likely WOULD NEVER like me back. That's just a horrible feeling, cuz as much as you'd like to be friends, sure, you can never be more. And even in that case, the friend-case, I can't even have that. I can't even be a good friend in their lives, someone they care about, think about, talk about to other people. No, I'm nothing, and I'm afraid I'll always be nothing. I'll always be insignificant, no matter what I do, and I wonder why I deserve everything to be like this... and if it'll ever change... :(
I think ever since I've been little, and knew what the word meant, deep down, I've always been lonely. I've been told I'm naturally a loner, by myself, spending most of my time alone, and while I love it, I also hate it. I've gone all these years without ANY special someone, even anyone I could say liked me, had a crush on me, had feelings for me, and unless you've experienced that yourself, you will NEVER know how it feels. Sure, some twelve or thirteen year olds out there might understand, but not to THIS point. Not at MY age. It's just pathetic and I don't understand. Nobody does who discovers that horrible fact. Just makes me feel like such a loser as I have nothing while EVERYONE else at least has had SOMETHING in their lives. Maybe not long, LONG relationships, but can at least say ONE person out there thought they were cute, or hot, or attractive, or wanted to spend time with them, get to know them, date them, etc, while I can't. Not in all these years I can't, and... it's just so sad.
I've learned to deal with my loneliness, or at least bury it down, but certain girls come around that just mean something to me. They stand out from the crowd and I really like them. Then, like always, nothing happens. Whether they find out that I like them or not, they never like me back, and likely WOULD NEVER like me back. That's just a horrible feeling, cuz as much as you'd like to be friends, sure, you can never be more. And even in that case, the friend-case, I can't even have that. I can't even be a good friend in their lives, someone they care about, think about, talk about to other people. No, I'm nothing, and I'm afraid I'll always be nothing. I'll always be insignificant, no matter what I do, and I wonder why I deserve everything to be like this... and if it'll ever change... :(
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
My Princess
My very first blog. YAY! I'm Marsh. This is my blog. Read it. Okay, now that the introductions are out of the way, lame-assed, sure, but still, here's the ACTUAL blog:
The other day, I was looking for some books to read, ones I SWORE I had bought a while back, but for some reason, I couldn't find them. I was looking all over: in drawers, shelves, boxes, and finally under my bed, where I didn't find the books, but something else.
I found an old book of poems and stuff that I wrote for school, and turned in as a final project for my writing class in... I THINK 12th grade? Anyway, I finally got to "work" on my writing that I'd been doing on my own since I was like... little, back when EVERYONE cared about my writing and EVERYONE wanted to be included as a character in my stories. Boy, do I find that ironic at this point. Now, almost NO ONE gives a shit about my book or my writing, and even I'm doubting myself like crazy cuz of numerous reasons, mostly cuz of almost a COMPLETE lack of feedback, so I don't know if my book/writing is good or not.
Anyway, back to my point. I got to work on not only fantasy stories, as I'd pretty much done solely, at least when it comes to my BIG novel(s), but other types of writing as well, like poetry and rhymes and limericks and all that shit. I don't remember the names anymore, lol, but still, I got to experiment with different stuff. I remember struggling with some of it, trying to get it to sound right, or have the right amount of words, or rhyme correctly, but in the end, I think I did pretty good work. Maybe I'll post some of it as time goes on, something to share with people, if ANYONE reads this, but anyway...
Finding this book, and reading the poems and shit again, I ALSO found a note inside. It was a grading sheet from my teacher, who strangely enough gave me 150/200 cuz I didn't "identify" the various parts of the poems that I wrote, like personification, and metaphors, and similes, musical devices, etc. I still find that dumb cuz I DID label what poems had what things, but just didn't put it RIGHT in the poems themselves. Bleh, but the point was, she graded me, and then beneath that wrote me a little note as a "end of semester" kinda thing. I've gotten some nice ones over the years, as almost ALL people who see my work and know me a bit realize how AWESOME I have and how much POTENTIAL I have, but this one just kinda surprised me. I'll quote the important part here:
"I enjoyed reading your pieces all semester. I know you have a bright future waiting for you... like a princess."
At first, I was confused. Did she meant that, like a princess, I had a bright future? Then I realized she PROBABLY meant that I had a bright future waiting for me, along with a princess waiting too. That made me feel good, with her PROBABLY realizing how I felt about my situation in life. The fact that I was a lonely kid, never had a girlfriend, never even ONE girl who EVER had feelings for him (or at least I realize that now, but back then, I was delusional about one girl. I won't go into it, but yeah, gayballs) and even in my writing, I kinda expressed my hopes to find some "princess" someday. Rereading just now, yeah, I do mention a couple princesses, and thinking about it, I do still feel the same way. I'm still looking for some "princess" to come along and be a part of my life. Whether she "saves" me or vice-versa, I'm still hoping and praying and wishing for some GREAT girl to come along, my own "princess" that I can FINALLY be happy with. A girl that'll make me feel better about myself, to FINALLY appreciate myself fully, and fill that hole in my soul that I've felt for many, MANY years now.
Sadly, I haven't been able to find ANY girl that likes me, let alone a "princess". Girl after girl, crush after crush that I have, STUPIDLY, I just end up more and more miserable and hopeless. Whether the girl has known me for years and years, or JUST met me, no girl ever thinks of me beyond "a friend" if they EVEN think of me at all, which they PROBABLY don't. I'm barely a blip on ANYONE'S radar, let alone some cute, nice, sweet, wonderful girl that I would DIE to just know for a moment that they liked me. But no, I'm just nice guy Marshall, or "Marsh" or Drew's brother, or even "that shy guy who sits and writes in that little notebook all alone by himself". Whatever the case may be, I'm never liked by any girl, cute or nice or sweet or wonderful or not, and never have a chance to EVER be cared for, appreciated, or anything else that would REALLY help me and my nearly ZERO self-confidence. No, I'm just fucked, and in the HORRIBLY bad way.
So anyway, yes, I wonder if I'll EVER find my princess. People have always told me "the right girl will come along. I promise," but I've now been hearing that for ALMOST a decade, SO WHEN THE FUCK IS IT GONNA HAPPEN? SERIOUSLY! I'm nearly 25 years old with NO experience with girls to speak of. No, you read that correctly. NONE. No relationships, no dates, no hand-holdings, no kisses, no NOTHING. Nothing at all. Complete and utter nothingness. Seriously, nothing. Now, TRY to fucking wrap your brain around that concept and realize to yourself THAT'S WHY I AM THE WAY I AM! How about YOU try to imagine yourself in that position and see how much self-confidence you'd have. PROBABLY just as much as I do, aka nearly zero. So yeah, THAT is why I'm the way I am, and why almost ANYTHING involving "trying" and things that need confidence are almost CRIPPLING to me. That's why.
This seems like a good place to stop, otherwise I'll just go ON AND ON AND ON about my pathetic life and lack of SO many things, most of all experiences that NORMAL people TOTALLY fucking take for granted. I'm gonna do my best to post SOMETHING every single night, even if it's just... whatever, so hopefully I keep up with it, cuz this could be good for me. Or it might just be a TOTAL waste of time, but even if it is, it wouldn't be the first one. HA!
The other day, I was looking for some books to read, ones I SWORE I had bought a while back, but for some reason, I couldn't find them. I was looking all over: in drawers, shelves, boxes, and finally under my bed, where I didn't find the books, but something else.
I found an old book of poems and stuff that I wrote for school, and turned in as a final project for my writing class in... I THINK 12th grade? Anyway, I finally got to "work" on my writing that I'd been doing on my own since I was like... little, back when EVERYONE cared about my writing and EVERYONE wanted to be included as a character in my stories. Boy, do I find that ironic at this point. Now, almost NO ONE gives a shit about my book or my writing, and even I'm doubting myself like crazy cuz of numerous reasons, mostly cuz of almost a COMPLETE lack of feedback, so I don't know if my book/writing is good or not.
Anyway, back to my point. I got to work on not only fantasy stories, as I'd pretty much done solely, at least when it comes to my BIG novel(s), but other types of writing as well, like poetry and rhymes and limericks and all that shit. I don't remember the names anymore, lol, but still, I got to experiment with different stuff. I remember struggling with some of it, trying to get it to sound right, or have the right amount of words, or rhyme correctly, but in the end, I think I did pretty good work. Maybe I'll post some of it as time goes on, something to share with people, if ANYONE reads this, but anyway...
Finding this book, and reading the poems and shit again, I ALSO found a note inside. It was a grading sheet from my teacher, who strangely enough gave me 150/200 cuz I didn't "identify" the various parts of the poems that I wrote, like personification, and metaphors, and similes, musical devices, etc. I still find that dumb cuz I DID label what poems had what things, but just didn't put it RIGHT in the poems themselves. Bleh, but the point was, she graded me, and then beneath that wrote me a little note as a "end of semester" kinda thing. I've gotten some nice ones over the years, as almost ALL people who see my work and know me a bit realize how AWESOME I have and how much POTENTIAL I have, but this one just kinda surprised me. I'll quote the important part here:
"I enjoyed reading your pieces all semester. I know you have a bright future waiting for you... like a princess."
At first, I was confused. Did she meant that, like a princess, I had a bright future? Then I realized she PROBABLY meant that I had a bright future waiting for me, along with a princess waiting too. That made me feel good, with her PROBABLY realizing how I felt about my situation in life. The fact that I was a lonely kid, never had a girlfriend, never even ONE girl who EVER had feelings for him (or at least I realize that now, but back then, I was delusional about one girl. I won't go into it, but yeah, gayballs) and even in my writing, I kinda expressed my hopes to find some "princess" someday. Rereading just now, yeah, I do mention a couple princesses, and thinking about it, I do still feel the same way. I'm still looking for some "princess" to come along and be a part of my life. Whether she "saves" me or vice-versa, I'm still hoping and praying and wishing for some GREAT girl to come along, my own "princess" that I can FINALLY be happy with. A girl that'll make me feel better about myself, to FINALLY appreciate myself fully, and fill that hole in my soul that I've felt for many, MANY years now.
Sadly, I haven't been able to find ANY girl that likes me, let alone a "princess". Girl after girl, crush after crush that I have, STUPIDLY, I just end up more and more miserable and hopeless. Whether the girl has known me for years and years, or JUST met me, no girl ever thinks of me beyond "a friend" if they EVEN think of me at all, which they PROBABLY don't. I'm barely a blip on ANYONE'S radar, let alone some cute, nice, sweet, wonderful girl that I would DIE to just know for a moment that they liked me. But no, I'm just nice guy Marshall, or "Marsh" or Drew's brother, or even "that shy guy who sits and writes in that little notebook all alone by himself". Whatever the case may be, I'm never liked by any girl, cute or nice or sweet or wonderful or not, and never have a chance to EVER be cared for, appreciated, or anything else that would REALLY help me and my nearly ZERO self-confidence. No, I'm just fucked, and in the HORRIBLY bad way.
So anyway, yes, I wonder if I'll EVER find my princess. People have always told me "the right girl will come along. I promise," but I've now been hearing that for ALMOST a decade, SO WHEN THE FUCK IS IT GONNA HAPPEN? SERIOUSLY! I'm nearly 25 years old with NO experience with girls to speak of. No, you read that correctly. NONE. No relationships, no dates, no hand-holdings, no kisses, no NOTHING. Nothing at all. Complete and utter nothingness. Seriously, nothing. Now, TRY to fucking wrap your brain around that concept and realize to yourself THAT'S WHY I AM THE WAY I AM! How about YOU try to imagine yourself in that position and see how much self-confidence you'd have. PROBABLY just as much as I do, aka nearly zero. So yeah, THAT is why I'm the way I am, and why almost ANYTHING involving "trying" and things that need confidence are almost CRIPPLING to me. That's why.
This seems like a good place to stop, otherwise I'll just go ON AND ON AND ON about my pathetic life and lack of SO many things, most of all experiences that NORMAL people TOTALLY fucking take for granted. I'm gonna do my best to post SOMETHING every single night, even if it's just... whatever, so hopefully I keep up with it, cuz this could be good for me. Or it might just be a TOTAL waste of time, but even if it is, it wouldn't be the first one. HA!
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