I feel so cold. Not only externally, from this shitty window, but also on the inside. So cold, and so empty.
Today was a rough day. Started off fine, but then I got some really bad news about some girl I was "interested" in and that just wrecked me. I'm just tired of it all. It was my own fault I'd never had a girlfriend up until a few years back cuz I never tried. I never tried at all, cuz I'm afraid of the entire process, and yes, very intimidated by girls I'm attracted to. It's not like I don't know what I'm gonna say, but I'm just very worried about if they'll like me. Well, finally, I began "trying" a bit the last year or two since the biggest crush of my life was literally... well, crushed to fucking death. Sure, I haven't gone up to random girls and "asked them out" but DAMMIT, I have been going out of my comfort zone to try to spend time with a girl or two I've been "into" since the shit years back.
I am not a pushy person. Flat-out, I want to say that. I keep to myself, I'm quiet, and pretty much shy unless I get comfortable enough with someone to open up. So the fact that I was texting, messaging, and getting in semi-regular contact with the couple girls I was "into" was like night and fucking day compared to my OLD self where I didn't do shit. I was finally pushing to spend time with some girl, get to know them, to see if ANYTHING could happen if I spent one-on-one time with some girl I liked, but nothing I did had ANY fucking effect. No matter how indirect or direct I asked, the various activities I brought up, how nice or sweet or patient I was, NOTHING fucking mattered. I've been continuously blown off by these girls and I'm just fed the fuck up. I'm tired, and I'm done. I'm giving up on "love" cuz I've gone 25 years without it now, FULLY AND COMPLETELY, and apparently I'm just not good enough or something. Or the world FUCKING sucks. Either way, I'm fucked, and I'm doomed to be lonely. Simple as that.
I just don't get it. I really don't. Me "liking" some girl is SO fucking rare since the shit years back that it's a MIRACLE I ever looked at a girl and got "those feelings" again. Sure, I've ran into some hot bitches, some girl's I'd GLADLY have sex with, but none of those "butterflies". Finally, after a couple years of no feelings for any girls at all, I met one, and BOOM, it was there. I was like "holy shit" and I couldn't believe it. I did my best to try to hang out with her, spend time with her, or ANY way to communicate, as awkward as it was for me. But, again, FAILURE. She was always "busy" and I was always SO patient and understanding and caring and sweet and kind, BUT WHAT DID THAT DO FOR ME? FUCKING NOTHING, that's what. You can be the KINDEST guy in the world, but if you're me, you're absolutely fucked. And that's bullshit. I know SO many guys out there who are NOT good guys. They are NOT sweet. They are NOT kind. They are selfish assholes, BUT GIRLS LIKE THEM! They've been in relationship after relationship, meanwhile I can't get ONE fucking girl in my ENTIRE fucking life to like me even a TINY goddamn bit??? REALLY? YOU GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!
Then along the same time ANOTHER girl popped up. Nearly fell into my lap, so to speak, and sure, I didn't get a lot of time around her, only a couple times to talk, and she was kinda distant, quiet, etc, but man, I liked her. And not just in the "wow, she's a cutie" way. I thought she was sweet, and kind, and had some of the same interests as me. I read some of her blogs and wow, they SPOKE to me, and I am not joking at all when I say that. This girl was SO much like me it wasn't even funny. Not fully, obviously, but so many things she wrote were what I felt ALL the time, so I was even MORE convinced to FINALLY try to get close to some girl, REALLY, and maybe, in time, when I'm comfortable, ask her out.
So, what happens? I nudge, which is like a THOUSAND times more than I ever have for a girl EVER. I message her, text her, try my best to be nice and sweet and cool and funny and make her notice me. I did SO much to try to get her attention, to get her to hang out with me, and NOTHING. I just got constant excuses of "sorry, i've been busy, hopefully soon, that'd be fun" etc, etc, etc. Fucking bullshit. EVERYONE throws that goddamn excuse around like it's some untouchable thing that no one can EVER fight with. Like, "Oh, you're busy? I'm sorry. I understand," while in the MEANTIME they're FUCKING AROUND on fucking GaySpace (aka MySpace for you tards out there, cuz MYSPACE IS GAY!) for hours a day, constantly checking their messages or looking for comments or seeing who read their bulletins or wrote anything for their events, and all that gay shit. Then they blow time AND money each week on STUPID shit, while I'm trying my best to improve my skills and abilities, and even myself. I am NOT fucking around with my life, so when people (especially girls) CONSTANTLY fucking jerk me around, I DON'T FUCKING LIKE IT!!!
I just wish people would be goddamn honest. If you don't wanna hang out, or can't cuz you got too much going on, GODDAMN TELL ME. If you don't wanna shoot with me, FUCKING TELL ME!!! Don't jerk me around for months with your "hopefully soon" when I'm sitting around with NOBODY willing to goddamn help me on almost ANYTHING in my life. It's fucking bullshit.
Yes, I don't go out much. Yes, I'm a homebody. Yes, I am a loner, and stay by myself MOST of the time, but that DOESN'T mean that I'm happy and everything's fine. Don't ASSUME that I'm fine cuz you don't see me. ANYBODY who reads this should REALIZE THAT I'M MISERABLE! And I have been for a long time, and almost NO ONE is willing to help me out with shit, even when I ask. So thanks. Thanks a lot. Selfish assholes and bitches... *grrrrrrrrrrr*
I just really wonder if I'll ever find someone. I mean, sure, people have gone 25 years like me without serious relationships. Or sex. Or maybe even dates, but EVERYTHING? EVERYTHING???? REALLY????? What the FUCK is apparently wrong with me that in my 25 years of existence I've NEVER met a girl who could like... ACTUALLY LIKE ME??? Seriously, cuz I don't get it. I'm not ugly. I'm not HIDEOUSLY fat. I'm not an asshole, but also not a pussy. I'm no pushover, but not a dick either. I'm a REALLY good, funny, smart guy, and I DESERVE better than what I've gotten in my life. People don't appreciate me, girls ignore me or blow me off, and people in general just fucking suck. I am VERY miserable, and have been for years, and almost nobody seems to care, even when I drop hints like anvils in blogs or bulletins or messages or WHATEVER. I mean, seriously? What is wrong with me? Why can't I be like ANYONE else and just find some girl to like me? I'm not asking for too much. Just some nice, sweet girl to meet me, think I'm nice, sweet, funny, and fun to be around, and just wanna spend time with me? I see fucking assholes and morons "meeting girls" ALL the fucking time, so WHY NEVER ME? Why? Why, why, why???
So to all those girls who have ignored me, fed me bullshit excuses even when I ACTUALLY fucking try, to those selfish people who only care about their OWN fucking lives and nothing else unless it helps THEM, fuck you. Simple as that, cuz I'm looking out for me, and I'm not gonna deal with your shit anymore. Be happy now, cuz hopefully someday I'll be wealthy and happy and I will do NOTHING to help you, just like you do NOTHING to help me now when I really, REALLY need it. Congrats.
;(
2 comments:
Hey man its Tony
I know how shit can be really rough at times and chics are chics...plain and simple...eventually one of these days it will happen. As for no one caring, at times I feel the same way, but how often people see you is part of why no one cared..cause they wont know if your miserable or not, so just try your best to express your interest in talking with them a little bit and see how things go...you know im there for ya man, hit me up and stay pimp Marsh
hey its jerry
you know i wont give you some cookie cutter crap like youll find the right girl or something like that. we don't hang out much but i know you are a really nice and smart person with some hidden hostility thrown in but as long as you can bury that aggression youll be fine. the best advice i can give you is to become the predator you have to act like the pray. more than anything you have to start getting out more. finding girls online is not a good idea most of the time because they are psychotic little depressed bitches tortured by exes and their family. if you have any physical standards with dating get rid of them. sometimes its good to be a little selfish a girl must understand your life as well as her own. yes most people are age our busy a lot of girls go to college now and have multiple jobs to pay for that school like lisa does. if you do happen to like a girl you talk to either online or through texting just somehow squeeze into the conversation about meeting somewhere like bowling where to her it wont feel like a date its just a group friend outing that she can get comfortable in and get to know you a lot better. and as far as love goes it is the most powerful force on earth and noone can control it. it can make you immortal or it can destroy you. but thats the beauty of love it creates the perfect inner balance that most people don't figure out until they are at least 30. well later days.
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