My Poem

Here's the first of however many of my old poems I'll post here:

Marshall
Who is full of ideas,
Pure of heart,
And the best person that he can be
Who wants to have a prosperous life,
To greatly establish himself in the world,
And to change the way people think of certain ideas,
Such as love, courage, and being a true hero
Who needs the love and respect of friends and family,
To constantly improve his skills and increase his
Knowledge all his life,
And time everyday to relax and focus on what he wants
To accomplish
Who loves spending time with friends,
Seeing someones reaction to reading one of his stories,
And creating those new stories day by day
Who fears being truly alone,
Not fulfilling his destiny,
And not being able to fully use his abilities
Walls

Not exactly the most "artistic" poem of all time, I know, but I still like it. And, sadly in some ways, and nice in others, I still feel pretty much the same way now, even almost six and a half years after I originally wrote this. I still obviously want to be the best person I can be, to do well in life, hope to affect people with my books, if they ever ACTUALLY read them. I'm not so sure about the "love and respect of my friends" part, cuz with all the shit that's happened to me the last few months, I've realized how FEW of my friends truly do care about me. Most people, I've now discovered, don't really seem to give a shit about stuff that goes on unless it DIRECTLY has to do with them. I ask for favors, and VERY rarely, and it almost goes completely ignored by nearly everyone, whether it's just to read my book, even the SMALLEST little portion, or check out my photography and comment on it. No matter what, my requests, AND me, are ignored almost constantly, so the "caring" from my friends at this point is "bleh". Fuck it.

I keep trying to improve my skills and knowledge for sure, and also DEFINITELY need my alone time to chill, cuz when I'm TOTALLY busy with shit and without it, I feel like hell, or at least WORSE than normal. Again, I'm all iffy on the "loving spending time with friends" part unless it's a SHORT list of friends that I do like. The rest, I've realized, are selfish assholes, so again, fuck 'em. Mostly I only enjoy hanging out in small groups when I can be myself, be open and honest and funny and shit and NOT feel like im being bogged down by all the retarded bullshit around me. In big groups, I go silent, and while it's kinda relaxing to just chill, I'm often EXTREMELY fucking bored, so it sucks ass, pretty much. And then some people "want" me to go to out and hang out and shit "so badly" but when I'm out, they PRETTY much ignore me, so WHY FUCKING BOTHER? Seriously, they want me out, and then ignore me. Oh, I get the quick "hey, how ya been?" but if they REALLY know me and how I've been lately, they should ALREADY know I'm in my own personal hell with shit getting worse and worse and worse with each passing day. AKA they should STOP asking me stupid questions like that and just ACTUALLY talk to me, instead of ignoring me and making me feel even MORE invisible. I swear, this shit SHOULD be simple and logical and pretty much everyone who isn't a TOTAL dumbshit should realize it, but I GUESS not...

Seeing reactions to people reading my stories? Well, that shit hasn't happened in a LONG time, so yeah, NO! If anyone EVER read my book, I'd probably enjoy it, sure, but for now, no, I don't see it, therefore can't enjoy it. Even I barely "enjoy" my book anymore since I've read and reread and rereread it SO many fucking times that it makes my brain melt in my skull. And then people keep telling me "YOU are the only one who should matter when it comes to your book. If YOU like it, that's all that matters!" Well, sorry, but when a book is PUBLISHED, which is what I wanna EVENTUALLY do with my book, then what REALLY matters is the opinion of EVERYONE BESIDES ME! Yeah, that's how the real world works, so already having PRETTY much everyone that I know shunning me AND my book isn't making me too confident in my writing abilities or myself in general, so thanks everybody.

Creating new stories? Haven't done that in a while, but when I do, it's good, yes. I most DEFINITELY fear being alone, and now I'm more alone than ever being totally broke, depressed, miserable, and having nearly all the hopes and dreams and goals in my life fall apart RIGHT in front of me. People are almost ALL too busy to hang out with me, to even show up and see me every once in a while, so I'm alone almost all day, every single day, which is nice, sure, but I miss my old schedule of hanging out with a couple people every week at certain times to watch TV or wrestling or just hang out, maybe go out and do things, like movies or whatever. I don't have that at all anymore, and with all my dreams and shit dying too, life pretty much sucks ass.

At this rate, I'm most CERTAINLY not fulfilling my destiny, unless my destiny is to live at home with my parents forever, not have a job, and become a COMPLETE hermit, and eternal "virgin" to EVERYTHING involving girls. If so, then yes, I'm RIGHT on track, baby! *shaking head*

And finally, I'm certainly not using my abilities very fucking often cuz NO ONE EVER GIVES ME A FUCKING OPPORTUNITY TO DO SO! And almost EVERY single time I do get a shot, again, like my dreams, they're RIPPED away from me. So yeah, again, shit sucks.

That was quite a rant this evening, and I kinda feel better to admit things that I really wouldn't to anyone else, minus one or two people, but anyway, there's the first of my poems. Feels kinda good to know I'm the same person now that I was back in high school, but also bad to know that I'm just as far along in some things in my life now than I was over six and a half years ago. Fantastic. I wonder if I'll STILL be a complete fucking loser (especially when it comes to girls, those evil, selfish bitches) six and a half years from now. Well, February 2015, HERE I COME!!! :(