My Princess

My very first blog. YAY! I'm Marsh. This is my blog. Read it. Okay, now that the introductions are out of the way, lame-assed, sure, but still, here's the ACTUAL blog:

The other day, I was looking for some books to read, ones I SWORE I had bought a while back, but for some reason, I couldn't find them. I was looking all over: in drawers, shelves, boxes, and finally under my bed, where I didn't find the books, but something else.

I found an old book of poems and stuff that I wrote for school, and turned in as a final project for my writing class in... I THINK 12th grade? Anyway, I finally got to "work" on my writing that I'd been doing on my own since I was like... little, back when EVERYONE cared about my writing and EVERYONE wanted to be included as a character in my stories. Boy, do I find that ironic at this point. Now, almost NO ONE gives a shit about my book or my writing, and even I'm doubting myself like crazy cuz of numerous reasons, mostly cuz of almost a COMPLETE lack of feedback, so I don't know if my book/writing is good or not.

Anyway, back to my point. I got to work on not only fantasy stories, as I'd pretty much done solely, at least when it comes to my BIG novel(s), but other types of writing as well, like poetry and rhymes and limericks and all that shit. I don't remember the names anymore, lol, but still, I got to experiment with different stuff. I remember struggling with some of it, trying to get it to sound right, or have the right amount of words, or rhyme correctly, but in the end, I think I did pretty good work. Maybe I'll post some of it as time goes on, something to share with people, if ANYONE reads this, but anyway...

Finding this book, and reading the poems and shit again, I ALSO found a note inside. It was a grading sheet from my teacher, who strangely enough gave me 150/200 cuz I didn't "identify" the various parts of the poems that I wrote, like personification, and metaphors, and similes, musical devices, etc. I still find that dumb cuz I DID label what poems had what things, but just didn't put it RIGHT in the poems themselves. Bleh, but the point was, she graded me, and then beneath that wrote me a little note as a "end of semester" kinda thing. I've gotten some nice ones over the years, as almost ALL people who see my work and know me a bit realize how AWESOME I have and how much POTENTIAL I have, but this one just kinda surprised me. I'll quote the important part here:

"I enjoyed reading your pieces all semester. I know you have a bright future waiting for you... like a princess."

At first, I was confused. Did she meant that, like a princess, I had a bright future? Then I realized she PROBABLY meant that I had a bright future waiting for me, along with a princess waiting too. That made me feel good, with her PROBABLY realizing how I felt about my situation in life. The fact that I was a lonely kid, never had a girlfriend, never even ONE girl who EVER had feelings for him (or at least I realize that now, but back then, I was delusional about one girl. I won't go into it, but yeah, gayballs) and even in my writing, I kinda expressed my hopes to find some "princess" someday. Rereading just now, yeah, I do mention a couple princesses, and thinking about it, I do still feel the same way. I'm still looking for some "princess" to come along and be a part of my life. Whether she "saves" me or vice-versa, I'm still hoping and praying and wishing for some GREAT girl to come along, my own "princess" that I can FINALLY be happy with. A girl that'll make me feel better about myself, to FINALLY appreciate myself fully, and fill that hole in my soul that I've felt for many, MANY years now.

Sadly, I haven't been able to find ANY girl that likes me, let alone a "princess". Girl after girl, crush after crush that I have, STUPIDLY, I just end up more and more miserable and hopeless. Whether the girl has known me for years and years, or JUST met me, no girl ever thinks of me beyond "a friend" if they EVEN think of me at all, which they PROBABLY don't. I'm barely a blip on ANYONE'S radar, let alone some cute, nice, sweet, wonderful girl that I would DIE to just know for a moment that they liked me. But no, I'm just nice guy Marshall, or "Marsh" or Drew's brother, or even "that shy guy who sits and writes in that little notebook all alone by himself". Whatever the case may be, I'm never liked by any girl, cute or nice or sweet or wonderful or not, and never have a chance to EVER be cared for, appreciated, or anything else that would REALLY help me and my nearly ZERO self-confidence. No, I'm just fucked, and in the HORRIBLY bad way.

So anyway, yes, I wonder if I'll EVER find my princess. People have always told me "the right girl will come along. I promise," but I've now been hearing that for ALMOST a decade, SO WHEN THE FUCK IS IT GONNA HAPPEN? SERIOUSLY! I'm nearly 25 years old with NO experience with girls to speak of. No, you read that correctly. NONE. No relationships, no dates, no hand-holdings, no kisses, no NOTHING. Nothing at all. Complete and utter nothingness. Seriously, nothing. Now, TRY to fucking wrap your brain around that concept and realize to yourself THAT'S WHY I AM THE WAY I AM! How about YOU try to imagine yourself in that position and see how much self-confidence you'd have. PROBABLY just as much as I do, aka nearly zero. So yeah, THAT is why I'm the way I am, and why almost ANYTHING involving "trying" and things that need confidence are almost CRIPPLING to me. That's why.

This seems like a good place to stop, otherwise I'll just go ON AND ON AND ON about my pathetic life and lack of SO many things, most of all experiences that NORMAL people TOTALLY fucking take for granted. I'm gonna do my best to post SOMETHING every single night, even if it's just... whatever, so hopefully I keep up with it, cuz this could be good for me. Or it might just be a TOTAL waste of time, but even if it is, it wouldn't be the first one. HA!