I like myself, at least some aspects, but deep down, I don't think I like myself very much. I not only have some body issues and often times dislike my appearance, but I also hate all the weak parts of myself that mask and hold down the GREAT parts of me that EVERYONE should see and love. And like they say, if I don't like myself, how can I EVER expect some sweet, caring, and wonderful girl to EVER like me either? Hell, ANY girl? Meanwhile, in order for me to like myself, I think I NEED a girl to care about me, so I can see my own self-worth through their eyes, so to speak, so therefore it's a huge fucking Catch-22, aka I'm eternally fucked.
I feel like shit tonight. I had a really sad, yet wonderful (at the end) dream last night, and forgot about it all day, until just earlier. I was thinking it over in my head and it brought tears to my eyes, realizing how sad it was, and how fantastically happy I felt at the end of it. And most of all, how TOTALLY unhappy I am in real life, and the growing fear that I'll never be that happy, no matter how long I live.
Basically, there's this girl. I really like her, like in a way I've NEVER liked a girl before. Usually they're really pretty, or nice to me, caring, or I feel like they know me and still don't SHUN me, or something, but this girl... She's just something else. She's so unique, and crazy, and goofy, and funny, and just awesome. I think we meshed really well what little bit we did spend time together, but as of late, I've barely seen her. I've been doing my best to try to spend time with her, to even see her AT ALL, but like almost all things in my life, it's ended in utter failure, over and over and over. So, back to the dream...
I'm in some building with lots of doors, some in front leading to the outside, and many inside, going all over the place. It's not supposed to feel like a maze, but to me, it is. I'm constantly going through door after door, searching for this girl. Every single time it seems I'm about to FINALLY catch her, she gets away again. I call out her name, asking for her to stop, to just talk to me for a minute, cuz I miss her, I want to look into her eyes, just see her for a moment. I follow her throughout the building, door after door after door, and each time I get close, she slips away again. The building is empty, but for some reason, I just can't catch her, but I keep trying. I do NOT give up, even though I'm tired, depressed, and nearly crying from frustration and sadness of not being able to see her.
I follow and follow and follow, and finally, I see her go through the front doors. I BURST out after her, and FINALLY catch her. I grab her by the arm, turning her towards me and stare deeply into her eyes. I see her smile, which draws a smile from me as well. I tell her how glad I am to finally see her, to talk to her, cuz she's been gone so long. I say how much I've missed her, and simply reach out to hug her. I wrap my arms around her back, holding her tightly, and feel her arms go around me. We hold each other tightly, and the hug, the embrace, it seems to go on forever. It's like time is frozen around us, and I simply look down at her, gazing into her eyes, and both of us are nothing but happy. I FINALLY feel happy, finally, as I can't even think of what to tell her now, and then... I wake up.
It was a wonderful dream that didn't really affect me earlier, just after I got up, but earlier, and now, it's just... so touching. I didn't realize I liked that girl as much as I apparently do, but nonetheless, I gotta let her go. She's just too good for me, too awesome, too out of my reach, literally and metaphorically, and will forever be, so all I can do is wish her the best and move on, trying to forget about her the best I can. I wish she could know how highly I think of her, but I doubt she ever will. I also hope she's happy no matter where she is or what she does, cuz she's just a great person, and I'm not sure I'll ever meet a girl like her ever again.
So to her, I say goodbye.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
My Crazy, Crappity Evening
Okay, so the day started fine. Got up, played some VC, helped out with stupid cable problems, and then ate a little and left with my friend to see a movie that my friend was going to be in. We drove well over an hour to get there, with confusing zig-zag directions, and tons of stupid construction blocking off most of our paths the closer we got to our destination. That part was annoying, sure, but fun enough, as he said, "an adventure".
We finally arrived, parked across the street from the theater, and thought we were like 20 minutes late at that point. There had been confusing times for the movie, either 8pm or 9pm, and it was conflicting, and yes, as I said, confusing. We got there about 8:20pm and FORTUNATELY, when we walked up, it said 9pm movie start, so we had some time to blow. We walked down to the bookstore, roamed around a bit, then headed back. At the entrance, we spotted our friend, said hello, each got a short hug before she said she was off to fix some emergency and promised she'd be back. We went inside, bought our tix, and waited for the show to begin. Sadly, that is when EVERYTHING went to complete and utter shit.
Movie was supposed to start at 9:10pm, but at like 9:30pm, they said the problem was that they didn't have the movie to show. They were retreiving it, I guess, and said another half hour. I was fine with that, we were there, and already it took an hour to get to the theater, so we could wait an hour for the actual movie to start up. I was cool, just found somewhere to stand and patiently waited, enjoying a bit looking around at all the freaky people there, and surprisingly, quite a few hot chicks. It was nice. I kept checking the clock, and 10pm turned to 10:15, then 10:30, and soon 10:45, and at that point, being left all alone, bored as fuck, and hearing some news I did NOT like to hear, I was fucking done.
I already didn't give a shit about the movie, BESIDES the fact that my friend was in it, then add in my WORSENING mood to my boredom and aching body from standing for a while, then sitting awkwardly and painfully for nearly two hours and GODDAMN, I wanted to fucking go ASAP. Fortunately, my friend was willing to go, even JUST as the movie was finally there and people were lining up to watch.
I ONLY went there to support our friend and her movie that I know she'd worked hard on, and ended up wasting two hours, was totally alienated and alone, and only saw her for a GRAND total of 30 seconds, which was 30 seconds more than I'd seen her in the last nearly four months. So yeah, it sucked fucking ass. I was miserable ON TOP of my normal misery and depression, but I did feel really bad that I seemed to have dragged my friend down by "being myself" and asking to leave RIGHT as the movie was going to start. I just had to leave, so I'm very thankful to him that he was willing to go, cuz I'm sure 99% of people in this world woudn't have done that for me.
Anyway, we left, and within minutes, I felt a TON better. I avoided saying "bye" to our friend, cuz I didn't want to disappoint her knowing that we bailed out on seeing the movie. I don't care WHAT excuse we would have said in front of her, none of it would have been good enough for her. I felt horrible for ditching, but I felt BEYOND horrible already, so instead I just fled, pretty much. Anywhore, we were on the road again, and I felt nearly normal. We jumped on the freeway to get back "home" and after driving and driving and driving, seeming like the right direction, BAM, I look up to see Ford Field. Yes, we'd ended up in Detroit, which is NOT where we were heading, so yeah, MORE suck on TOP of an already sucky night. Fortunately, I called my bro and he sent us back on the right track.
It took a while to find the ACTUAL route back onto the freeway, but we managed, and after problem after problem, freak out after freak out (me freaking out at the theater, and then him freaking out cuz we almost got into an accident), we were FINALLY back to familiar territory. Then we hung out at the bowling alley some, then back here, watched an AMAZING episode of Impact (ha, sarcasm) and now blogging about one of the craziest, and crappiest nights I've had in a long time.
Looking back, I can say that dealing with SO much shitty shit in one evening made me REALLY enjoy being home. It also made me kinda try to focus on things that matter in my life, which is work for now, and HOPEFULLY doing some more photography if ANY goddamn girl is EVER willing to shoot with me EVER again. It honestly wasn't COMPLETELY horrible, cuz having an "adventure" with my friend was fun, and overall, it wasn't too bad. Many parts sucked, and I'd NEVER repeat it, but I guess I can look on the bright side now that I'm home and warm in my jammies (he he). I'm gonna try to do some constructive stuff the next few days and just see what happens. Pretty simple.
Plus, it feels good to FINALLY have some kind of "event" in my life that I can come home and blog about! YIPPIE!!1
We finally arrived, parked across the street from the theater, and thought we were like 20 minutes late at that point. There had been confusing times for the movie, either 8pm or 9pm, and it was conflicting, and yes, as I said, confusing. We got there about 8:20pm and FORTUNATELY, when we walked up, it said 9pm movie start, so we had some time to blow. We walked down to the bookstore, roamed around a bit, then headed back. At the entrance, we spotted our friend, said hello, each got a short hug before she said she was off to fix some emergency and promised she'd be back. We went inside, bought our tix, and waited for the show to begin. Sadly, that is when EVERYTHING went to complete and utter shit.
Movie was supposed to start at 9:10pm, but at like 9:30pm, they said the problem was that they didn't have the movie to show. They were retreiving it, I guess, and said another half hour. I was fine with that, we were there, and already it took an hour to get to the theater, so we could wait an hour for the actual movie to start up. I was cool, just found somewhere to stand and patiently waited, enjoying a bit looking around at all the freaky people there, and surprisingly, quite a few hot chicks. It was nice. I kept checking the clock, and 10pm turned to 10:15, then 10:30, and soon 10:45, and at that point, being left all alone, bored as fuck, and hearing some news I did NOT like to hear, I was fucking done.
I already didn't give a shit about the movie, BESIDES the fact that my friend was in it, then add in my WORSENING mood to my boredom and aching body from standing for a while, then sitting awkwardly and painfully for nearly two hours and GODDAMN, I wanted to fucking go ASAP. Fortunately, my friend was willing to go, even JUST as the movie was finally there and people were lining up to watch.
I ONLY went there to support our friend and her movie that I know she'd worked hard on, and ended up wasting two hours, was totally alienated and alone, and only saw her for a GRAND total of 30 seconds, which was 30 seconds more than I'd seen her in the last nearly four months. So yeah, it sucked fucking ass. I was miserable ON TOP of my normal misery and depression, but I did feel really bad that I seemed to have dragged my friend down by "being myself" and asking to leave RIGHT as the movie was going to start. I just had to leave, so I'm very thankful to him that he was willing to go, cuz I'm sure 99% of people in this world woudn't have done that for me.
Anyway, we left, and within minutes, I felt a TON better. I avoided saying "bye" to our friend, cuz I didn't want to disappoint her knowing that we bailed out on seeing the movie. I don't care WHAT excuse we would have said in front of her, none of it would have been good enough for her. I felt horrible for ditching, but I felt BEYOND horrible already, so instead I just fled, pretty much. Anywhore, we were on the road again, and I felt nearly normal. We jumped on the freeway to get back "home" and after driving and driving and driving, seeming like the right direction, BAM, I look up to see Ford Field. Yes, we'd ended up in Detroit, which is NOT where we were heading, so yeah, MORE suck on TOP of an already sucky night. Fortunately, I called my bro and he sent us back on the right track.
It took a while to find the ACTUAL route back onto the freeway, but we managed, and after problem after problem, freak out after freak out (me freaking out at the theater, and then him freaking out cuz we almost got into an accident), we were FINALLY back to familiar territory. Then we hung out at the bowling alley some, then back here, watched an AMAZING episode of Impact (ha, sarcasm) and now blogging about one of the craziest, and crappiest nights I've had in a long time.
Looking back, I can say that dealing with SO much shitty shit in one evening made me REALLY enjoy being home. It also made me kinda try to focus on things that matter in my life, which is work for now, and HOPEFULLY doing some more photography if ANY goddamn girl is EVER willing to shoot with me EVER again. It honestly wasn't COMPLETELY horrible, cuz having an "adventure" with my friend was fun, and overall, it wasn't too bad. Many parts sucked, and I'd NEVER repeat it, but I guess I can look on the bright side now that I'm home and warm in my jammies (he he). I'm gonna try to do some constructive stuff the next few days and just see what happens. Pretty simple.
Plus, it feels good to FINALLY have some kind of "event" in my life that I can come home and blog about! YIPPIE!!1
Thursday, October 23, 2008
My Unspecialness
I don't think I'm special to pretty much anyone. Maybe my family, but besides that, no. I am not special. I'm just another idiot in the crowd. I do not stand out, just because I am shy, reserved, and don't SHOVE myself into focus in some idiotic plea for attention. No, I play it cool, chill, relax, and therefore I'm ignored, invisible, and forgotten, and I'm fucking tired of it.
Why can't I be special to anyone? Why can't I be important? Why can't ANYONE go out of their way to help me, besides maybe one or two people that are nearly the ONLY exceptions. Why am I doomed to be forgotten, invisible, and ignored, even when I DO put out effort to do the opposite? To be ACTUALLY noticed, helped, and appreciated? I just don't fucking know, and don't fucking understand whatsoever.
I hate looking around, seeing different websites, messages, comments, etc, where people care about one another, leave thoughtful messages for one another, are playful and cutesy and having fun, when I get NONE of that. I have no relationship with ANYONE, especially a girl, where I can go back and forth like that and truly feel like someone cares about me. I'm always looking around with envy of all the things, the relationships, everything that others have, I don't, and they are TOTALLY unappreciative of, and underestimate like fucking crazy. They take it all for granted, like it's the easiest, most simple thing in the world, meanwhile I DON'T have that, and it drives me nuts.
I have friends, sure, but almost NONE of which I think truly care about me. I'm just here, just around, once in a while, and besides that, no one gives a fuck. They're too "busy" to care about me, even when I'm like CRYING OUT FOR HELP! I don't know what the fuck to do to get people to fucking NOTICE ME, but I'm nearly at the point of NEVER caring again. I mean, why bother when shit will never change? Why give a fuck at all when no one APPARENTLY gives a fuck about me? It's not goddamn worth the effort to even THINK about anymore.
Tomorrow, I'm gonna go out and support one of my friends, someone I care about, someone I wish, no, I'd DIE to have a REAL friendship with, but either way, it's probably not going to matter. I'm going out of my way for someone, to see them, taking interest in things they have worked hard on, unlike MOST people do to me, like the VAST majority, but it still won't matter. It'll PROBABLY be a waste of my time, but whatever. I want to support my friend, whether I see her or not, so I will. Won't matter, but... bleh.
I also won't give up on this blog. Sure, it may be 99% bitching and negativity, but hey, that's me, and no one's reading it anyway, so FUCK IT! Might as well vent every single evening with whatever problem, one of MILLIONS, that I have that night. Fun, fun, fun... :(
Why can't I be special to anyone? Why can't I be important? Why can't ANYONE go out of their way to help me, besides maybe one or two people that are nearly the ONLY exceptions. Why am I doomed to be forgotten, invisible, and ignored, even when I DO put out effort to do the opposite? To be ACTUALLY noticed, helped, and appreciated? I just don't fucking know, and don't fucking understand whatsoever.
I hate looking around, seeing different websites, messages, comments, etc, where people care about one another, leave thoughtful messages for one another, are playful and cutesy and having fun, when I get NONE of that. I have no relationship with ANYONE, especially a girl, where I can go back and forth like that and truly feel like someone cares about me. I'm always looking around with envy of all the things, the relationships, everything that others have, I don't, and they are TOTALLY unappreciative of, and underestimate like fucking crazy. They take it all for granted, like it's the easiest, most simple thing in the world, meanwhile I DON'T have that, and it drives me nuts.
I have friends, sure, but almost NONE of which I think truly care about me. I'm just here, just around, once in a while, and besides that, no one gives a fuck. They're too "busy" to care about me, even when I'm like CRYING OUT FOR HELP! I don't know what the fuck to do to get people to fucking NOTICE ME, but I'm nearly at the point of NEVER caring again. I mean, why bother when shit will never change? Why give a fuck at all when no one APPARENTLY gives a fuck about me? It's not goddamn worth the effort to even THINK about anymore.
Tomorrow, I'm gonna go out and support one of my friends, someone I care about, someone I wish, no, I'd DIE to have a REAL friendship with, but either way, it's probably not going to matter. I'm going out of my way for someone, to see them, taking interest in things they have worked hard on, unlike MOST people do to me, like the VAST majority, but it still won't matter. It'll PROBABLY be a waste of my time, but whatever. I want to support my friend, whether I see her or not, so I will. Won't matter, but... bleh.
I also won't give up on this blog. Sure, it may be 99% bitching and negativity, but hey, that's me, and no one's reading it anyway, so FUCK IT! Might as well vent every single evening with whatever problem, one of MILLIONS, that I have that night. Fun, fun, fun... :(
Monday, October 20, 2008
My Dream
All he wanted to do was hold her. He wanted to touch her, to stare into her eyes, to know that she loved him as much as he loved her. He wanted... no, needed to know that. He needed her, and needed to know that she needed him too.
He wanted to walk down the street and feel her hand reaching for his, holding hands together so happily as they walked along. He wanted to sit together, her lying against his chest, feeling her heart beating in tune with his own. He wanted to lay in bed, his arms wrapped around her, the sweet scent of her hair filling him with happiness. He wanted to see how comfortable she was with him, how much she trusted him, felt safe with him, and knew that everything would be all right as long as she was there with him.
He wanted to be the first thing she thought of when she woke in the morning, and the last thing she thought about when she went to bed at night. He wanted to know that she was always happy with him, always felt better when she was with him, and he could always cheer her up when she was down. He wanted her to see how beautiful she was through his eyes, and know that he would always love her.
He wanted so much from her, so much for her, but... deep down, feared that he'd never be anything at all to her. He feared he was nothing to the girl that he cared about more than anything, and a tear ran down his cheek as he lowered his head in sadness.
He wanted to walk down the street and feel her hand reaching for his, holding hands together so happily as they walked along. He wanted to sit together, her lying against his chest, feeling her heart beating in tune with his own. He wanted to lay in bed, his arms wrapped around her, the sweet scent of her hair filling him with happiness. He wanted to see how comfortable she was with him, how much she trusted him, felt safe with him, and knew that everything would be all right as long as she was there with him.
He wanted to be the first thing she thought of when she woke in the morning, and the last thing she thought about when she went to bed at night. He wanted to know that she was always happy with him, always felt better when she was with him, and he could always cheer her up when she was down. He wanted her to see how beautiful she was through his eyes, and know that he would always love her.
He wanted so much from her, so much for her, but... deep down, feared that he'd never be anything at all to her. He feared he was nothing to the girl that he cared about more than anything, and a tear ran down his cheek as he lowered his head in sadness.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
My Fear
I'm afraid. Afraid that by slipping further and further into the black hole, the abyss known as my depression and misery, that maybe I won't be able to return from it. Maybe I could just go too far into that sadness and never be able to be my "old self" again. Maybe I'll never be able to be happy ever again...
Everything just seems so bleak, so hopeless, so dark, and uncaring. I keep hitting new lows, over and over, and I'm just not sure how far down I'll go before things get better, or... maybe I slip away completely. I'm afraid that by becoming TOO depressed, I won't appreciate anything anymore, and nothing will satisfy me. Even if good things happen, I'm so afraid that I won't notice, or won't care, cuz I'm just so fucking miserable. Maybe I'll meet a cute, sweet, and AMAZING girl that will make me happier than I've ever been, but I'll be so consumed with everything, my misery, my anger, frustration, all of that, and maybe I'll pass her by. I won't even notice her, and not be myself, therefore she won't notice me and I'll be doomed to be single and lonely for the rest of my life.
I keep trying to be happy, to appreciate things, to look forward to stuff, to have hope in the future, but things almost always fail me, let me down, and leave me worse than when I started. Project after project, idea after idea, plan after plan get ruined, or cancelled, or forgotten, and I'm just not sure how much more I can do with so little hope and effort left inside of me. It's difficult for me to try normally, but then add on TOP of all that my horrible mood the last few months and I can barely do shit, let alone things that are outside my comfort zone, which is sadly many, MANY things.
What's gonna save me? Someone? Something? Some WONDERFUL girl to FINALLY make me confident in myself? Some awesome opportunity where I can make some money doing something I really enjoy? Finally publishing my book? Having people FINALLY help me? Doing a ton more shoots? Getting some appreciation? People caring about me? Will ANYTHING be able to save me from all of this misery? This depression? The hopelessness? I really don't know...
Everything just seems so bleak, so hopeless, so dark, and uncaring. I keep hitting new lows, over and over, and I'm just not sure how far down I'll go before things get better, or... maybe I slip away completely. I'm afraid that by becoming TOO depressed, I won't appreciate anything anymore, and nothing will satisfy me. Even if good things happen, I'm so afraid that I won't notice, or won't care, cuz I'm just so fucking miserable. Maybe I'll meet a cute, sweet, and AMAZING girl that will make me happier than I've ever been, but I'll be so consumed with everything, my misery, my anger, frustration, all of that, and maybe I'll pass her by. I won't even notice her, and not be myself, therefore she won't notice me and I'll be doomed to be single and lonely for the rest of my life.
I keep trying to be happy, to appreciate things, to look forward to stuff, to have hope in the future, but things almost always fail me, let me down, and leave me worse than when I started. Project after project, idea after idea, plan after plan get ruined, or cancelled, or forgotten, and I'm just not sure how much more I can do with so little hope and effort left inside of me. It's difficult for me to try normally, but then add on TOP of all that my horrible mood the last few months and I can barely do shit, let alone things that are outside my comfort zone, which is sadly many, MANY things.
What's gonna save me? Someone? Something? Some WONDERFUL girl to FINALLY make me confident in myself? Some awesome opportunity where I can make some money doing something I really enjoy? Finally publishing my book? Having people FINALLY help me? Doing a ton more shoots? Getting some appreciation? People caring about me? Will ANYTHING be able to save me from all of this misery? This depression? The hopelessness? I really don't know...
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