My Coldness

I feel so cold.  Not only externally, from this shitty window, but also on the inside.  So cold, and so empty.

Today was a rough day.  Started off fine, but then I got some really bad news about some girl I was "interested" in and that just wrecked me.  I'm just tired of it all.  It was my own fault I'd never had a girlfriend up until a few years back cuz I never tried.  I never tried at all, cuz I'm afraid of the entire process, and yes, very intimidated by girls I'm attracted to.  It's not like I don't know what I'm gonna say, but I'm just very worried about if they'll like me.  Well, finally, I began "trying" a bit the last year or two since the biggest crush of my life was literally... well, crushed to fucking death.  Sure, I haven't gone up to random girls and "asked them out" but DAMMIT, I have been going out of my comfort zone to try to spend time with a girl or two I've been "into" since the shit years back.

I am not a pushy person.  Flat-out, I want to say that.  I keep to myself, I'm quiet, and pretty much shy unless I get comfortable enough with someone to open up.  So the fact that I was texting, messaging, and getting in semi-regular contact with the couple girls I was "into" was like night and fucking day compared to my OLD self where I didn't do shit.  I was finally pushing to spend time with some girl, get to know them, to see if ANYTHING could happen if I spent one-on-one time with some girl I liked, but nothing I did had ANY fucking effect.  No matter how indirect or direct I asked, the various activities I brought up, how nice or sweet or patient I was, NOTHING fucking mattered.  I've been continuously blown off by these girls and I'm just fed the fuck up.  I'm tired, and I'm done.  I'm giving up on "love" cuz I've gone 25 years without it now, FULLY AND COMPLETELY, and apparently I'm just not good enough or something.  Or the world FUCKING sucks.  Either way, I'm fucked, and I'm doomed to be lonely.  Simple as that.

I just don't get it.  I really don't.  Me "liking" some girl is SO fucking rare since the shit years back that it's a MIRACLE I ever looked at a girl and got "those feelings" again.  Sure, I've ran into some hot bitches, some girl's I'd GLADLY have sex with, but none of those "butterflies".  Finally, after a couple years of no feelings for any girls at all, I met one, and BOOM, it was there.  I was like "holy shit" and I couldn't believe it.  I did my best to try to hang out with her, spend time with her, or ANY way to communicate, as awkward as it was for me.  But, again, FAILURE.  She was always "busy" and I was always  SO patient and understanding and caring and sweet and kind, BUT WHAT DID THAT DO FOR ME?  FUCKING NOTHING, that's what.  You can be the KINDEST guy in the world, but if you're me, you're absolutely fucked.  And that's bullshit.  I know SO many guys out there who are NOT good guys.  They are NOT sweet.  They are NOT kind.  They are selfish assholes, BUT GIRLS LIKE THEM!  They've been in relationship after relationship, meanwhile I can't get ONE fucking girl in my ENTIRE fucking life to like me even a TINY goddamn bit???  REALLY?  YOU GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!

Then along the same time ANOTHER girl popped up.  Nearly fell into my lap, so to speak, and sure, I didn't get a lot of time around her, only a couple times to talk, and she was kinda distant, quiet, etc, but man, I liked her.  And not just in the "wow, she's a cutie" way.  I thought she was sweet, and kind, and had some of the same interests as me.  I read some of her blogs and wow, they SPOKE to me, and I am not joking at all when I say that.  This girl was SO much like me it wasn't even funny.  Not fully, obviously, but so many things she wrote were what I felt ALL the time, so I was even MORE convinced to FINALLY try to get close to some girl, REALLY, and maybe, in time, when I'm comfortable, ask her out.

So, what happens?  I nudge, which is like a THOUSAND times more than I ever have for a girl EVER.  I message her, text her, try my best to be nice and sweet and cool and funny and make her notice me.  I did SO much to try to get her attention, to get her to hang out with me, and NOTHING.  I just got constant excuses of "sorry, i've been busy, hopefully soon, that'd be fun" etc, etc, etc.  Fucking bullshit.  EVERYONE throws that goddamn excuse around like it's some untouchable thing that no one can EVER fight with.  Like, "Oh, you're busy?  I'm sorry.  I understand," while in the MEANTIME they're FUCKING AROUND on fucking GaySpace (aka MySpace for you tards out there, cuz MYSPACE IS GAY!) for hours a day, constantly checking their messages or looking for comments or seeing who read their bulletins or wrote anything for their events, and all that gay shit.  Then they blow time AND money each week on STUPID shit, while I'm trying my best to improve my skills and abilities, and even myself.  I am NOT fucking around with my life, so when people (especially girls) CONSTANTLY fucking jerk me around, I DON'T FUCKING LIKE IT!!!

I just wish people would be goddamn honest.  If you don't wanna hang out, or can't cuz you got too much going on, GODDAMN TELL ME.  If you don't wanna shoot with me, FUCKING TELL ME!!!  Don't jerk me around for months with your "hopefully soon" when I'm sitting around with NOBODY willing to goddamn help me on almost ANYTHING in my life.  It's fucking bullshit.

Yes, I don't go out much.  Yes, I'm a homebody.  Yes, I am a loner, and stay by myself MOST of the time, but that DOESN'T mean that I'm happy and everything's fine.  Don't ASSUME that I'm fine cuz you don't see me.  ANYBODY who reads this should REALIZE THAT I'M MISERABLE!  And I have been for a long time, and almost NO ONE is willing to help me out with shit, even when I ask.  So thanks.  Thanks a lot.  Selfish assholes and bitches... *grrrrrrrrrrr*

I just really wonder if I'll ever find someone.  I mean, sure, people have gone 25 years like me without serious relationships.  Or sex.  Or maybe even dates, but EVERYTHING?  EVERYTHING????  REALLY?????  What the FUCK is apparently wrong with me that in my 25 years of existence I've NEVER met a girl who could like... ACTUALLY LIKE ME???  Seriously, cuz I don't get it.  I'm not ugly.  I'm not HIDEOUSLY fat.  I'm not an asshole, but also not a pussy.  I'm no pushover, but not a dick either.  I'm a REALLY good, funny, smart guy, and I DESERVE better than what I've gotten in my life.  People don't appreciate me, girls ignore me or blow me off, and people in general just fucking suck.  I am VERY miserable, and have been for years, and almost nobody seems to care, even when I drop hints like anvils in blogs or bulletins or messages or WHATEVER.  I mean, seriously?  What is wrong with me?  Why can't I be like ANYONE else and just find some girl to like me?  I'm not asking for too much.  Just some nice, sweet girl to meet me, think I'm nice, sweet, funny, and fun to be around, and just wanna spend time with me?  I see fucking assholes and morons "meeting girls" ALL the fucking time, so WHY NEVER ME?  Why?  Why, why, why???

So to all those girls who have ignored me, fed me bullshit excuses even when I ACTUALLY fucking try, to those selfish people who only care about their OWN fucking lives and nothing else unless it helps THEM, fuck you.  Simple as that, cuz I'm looking out for me, and I'm not gonna deal with your shit anymore.  Be happy now, cuz hopefully someday I'll be wealthy and happy and I will do NOTHING to help you, just like you do NOTHING to help me now when I really, REALLY need it.  Congrats.

;(

My Hates

I hate girls. They make me stupid. I go from being all logical, smart, mature, and then I see one, a cute one, some girl that I'm attracted to and I'm done. Even if I'm "angry" or "upset" with them in general, I see them in person again, hear them laugh, see them smile, and I turn into a pathetic little lovey-dovey puddle. I become SO stupid, getting these asinine thoughts like they'll EVER like me, when that's FULLY IMPOSSIBLE. Twenty-five fucking years and never had ANYTHING, so why the FUCK is that ever gonna change? I try, and I'm ignored and blown off. I don't try, and obviously nothing happens. Either way, I'm lonely and forgotten. I'm a good guy, so why the FUCK am I never "boyfriend-material"? Why hasn't ANY girl EVER thought I was cute? Sweet? A great guy? A great boyfriend?

I hate that nobody ever compliments me AT ALL besides my "smarts". It's like "oh, he gets good grades, so he's smart, so congrats for that" but BESIDES that, it's nothing. I get NOTHING. Twenty-five years and nothing. How goddamn pathetic is that? I am the BIGGEST loser that I know when it comes to girls. Hell, when it comes to almost ANYTHING! No job. Almost no money. I barely wanna leave the house anymore. I don't like most of my "friends". Nobody besides like my NEAREST family and another friend or two seem to care about me. I practically SCREAM out for help, for people to care, but nobody fucking does. I'm just constantly ignored, and I'm fucking TIRED of it. I'm SO tired of it that I'm giving up. I've been in this pit of depression for SO long that maybe I should just stay in it. Maybe I should just get used to how things are and never "dream" of anything more, cuz I'm not gonna get it. No girl's gonna like me. I'm never gonna have a girlfriend. No first kiss. Nothing. Just emptiness and misery for me.

And I hate that maybe... maybe it all makes sense. Maybe I'm SUCH a loser that no girl has ever, and WILL ever like me. I mean, it's no wonder no girl has when I'm so pathetic. I'm goddamn miserable, and even when I've come across girls who are seemingly miserable too, can "feel my pain" so to speak, I've gone OUT OF MY WAY to talk to them, to be nice, to be kind, to show I'm a good guy, just to talk to them, and even THEY fucking shun me. I mean... WHAT THE FUCK? What the FUCK do I have to do to get ANYONE to fucking notice me? To notice my book? To notice those photos I took back when I used to GIVE A SHIT about photography and not HATE it cuz IT JUST ADDS TO MY DEPRESSION!!!

I hate people in general. They all treat me like shit when I deserve to be treated MUCH goddamn better. And they even treat other people wrong, like one of the best people I know. Sure, he's rough around the edges, but nobody EVER gives him ANY fucking attention. He's ACTUALLY grown up and improved and is a good person overall, but meanwhile, DOES ANYONE BUT ME GIVE A SHIT? SERIOUSLY? I mean, the VAST majority of my friends are fucking MORONS who are just SO fucking content to keep working the same shitty job and never strive for ANYTHING more than that. They settle for some dumpy/fat/ugly boyfriend/girlfriend JUST so that they won't be lonely, and then meanwhile THRIVE on fucking drama. This person's with her, she cheated on him, he's with this OTHER girl, they argued, there was a big blowup in public, BLAH BLAH BLAH!!! STOP WITH THE STUPID FUCKING DRAMA, YOU FUCKING IDIOTS, AND PAY ATTENTION TO ME AND MY FRIEND AND THOSE PEOPLE WHO DESERVE IT! I mean, CHRIST, MOST people I know are fucking pathetic. Sure, I'M pathetic too for having SO much potential, being SO awesome, but meanwhile I almost FULLY doubt myself in most things, so... it's just ALL goddamn stupid. The morons are happy and thriving on bullshit, and the GOOD people are fucking ignored. HOW FUCKING AWESOME THIS BEAUTIFUL WORLD IS!!!

I also hate that I've been writing sporadically in this blog for a couple months now and nobody fucking cares. I've had links posted to this place for a while, and I can almost GUARANTEE nobody reads it. People check their FUCKING GAYSPACES EVERY FUCKING THREE MINUTES, but they can't read my blog where I pour out my heart and soul and want people to understand me better, deep down? Really? IS EVERYONE SO FUCKING SELFISH??? Meanwhile my OWN mother told me recently that I'd changed, and that I'd become very self-centered. I was goddamn floored. ME? SELF-CENTERED? I have helped people FAR too many times than I can remember, and gone out of my way to help a friend, or not quite friends, family, etc, a TON of times with NO repercussions asked back at all. I don't even mention it. I just do it, don't bitch, and make them happy. I don't even do it for me. I honestly don't get much happiness out of helping people too often, so why do I do it? Cuz it's the right thing to do. People ask, and I do it. Fucking simple. I do it for no reason other than that. They ask, I do it. So I'm selfless, pretty much, but at the same time... I'M SELF-CENTERED? COME ON NOW! If being self-centered means doing stuff for EVERYONE else for years, and now FINALLY thinking about myself, how to improve my OWN situation, to do things for ME and make ME happy and productive and successful, then fine, I'M FUCKING SELF-CENTERED! I ADMIT IT!!!

I hate the word "busy". Everyone and their GODDAMN mother uses that excuse anymore for practically EVERYTHING. Can you read some of my story for me and give me feedback? "Busy". You available to do a photo shoot for me? "Busy". Wanna hang out? "Busy". Busy, busy, FUCKING busy!!! I mean, seriously, is EVERYONE on this fucking planet THAT fucking busy? I can understand MULTI-MILLIONAIRES being busy running their corporations, unless they pay a bunch of lackeys to do it for them, or even other major, important people, various celebrities, etc, but NOBODY I know is ANYTHING close to that. So why the fuck is EVERYONE so fucking busy? Wait... I'm coming to some interesting theory... How about... EVERYONE'S FULL OF SHIT? I think I hit that one perfectly. Sure, people have work, school, etc, but that does NOT take up ALL of your goddamn time, you liars.

I hate how people PRETEND to be "busy" but in reality, they're just full of shit. If you spend time REGULARLY checking your GaySpace for hours, clicking that refresh button every 30 seconds, or wasting time fucking around at the bowling alley, or at the bar, at some stupid club, wasting ALL that time on stupid NON-CONSTRUCTIVE SHIT, then you have PLENTY of time to help out your supposed "friend" aka ME!!! The TRUTH is, if you REALLY gave a shit about me, you would have already set up a shoot with me, or read my book, given me feedback, or just wanna spend time with me. But no, you like to just hide behind that word, "busy", so that you don't have to be HONEST and say that you don't WANT to do a shoot with me, or you don't WANT to read my book, or you don't WANT to hang out, or anything else. Or maybe you wouldn't mind, but in reality, I don't fucking matter enough for you to fit me into your "busy" schedule, so you just give me that stupid fucking word and then I'm supposed to be like "oh, that's fine. I'm patient and caring and understanding. No big deal. We can do that another time" when that OTHER time NEVER fucking comes. Fucking nice of you, liars. How about you just be HONEST with me, and EVERYONE else, and stop leading people on and jerking them around, cuz I'm fucking TIRED of it.

I hate being a "nice guy" cuz all it does is get me FUCKING IGNORED. Everyone else is "busy" and selfish as FUCK, meanwhile they're having the time of their goddamn lives. Going out all the time, blowing money, going to concerts and parties and drinking and buying stupid shit, not thinking AT ALL about the future, meanwhile I'm sitting at home, doing what I'm SUPPOSED to be doing, aka NOT blowing money and instead loaning what little money I have to my parents to help the family get by, NOT out gallivanting and being a fucking MORON, and what do I get? IGNORED! FORGOTTEN! SHUNNED!

I HATE how this world is that the good people get fucking blown off while the ASSHOLES and BITCHES are practically worshipped. It's fucking retarded, and fucking cruel. I just know I've been nice for FAR too long, so now, now I'm not gonna be so nice. I'll be nice to those who DESERVE it, but in general, FUCK YOU. I'm not doing shit for anyone unless I KNOW they're gonna do the same back. If not, fuck them, they don't deserve my kindness, my understanding, my patience, and anything else. I'm tired of being used, stepped on, and then left in the fucking dust while you go fuck around with stupid shit that won't matter a week from now. I'm working HARD on things for my future, IMPORTANT things, and nobody gives a flying fuck. FUCKING awesome. And thanks.

Let's just say I hate how people don't understand me, and don't realize how HUGELY important it is when I contact someone out of the blue. I typically don't do that, like... .EVER, so when I DO, it fucking MEANS SOMETHING! When I contact someone to hang out, especially some girl, it means a fucking lot. I'm a shy guy, very nervous about MOST girls, especially ones I "like" so when I go out of my way to contact one, ask to hang out, to do something together, to spend time with one another, that's like any other person going bungie-jumping, or hang-gliding, or mountain-climbing, aka FUCKING SCARY! It takes almost ALL my will to push myself to do something like that, to go out of my way, on my own, for someone, to ask them almost anything, and that's on a GOOD day. On bad days, I can't do shit, and just sit here in my computer chair like a depressed little puddle, thinking, and BELIEVING that I'll never meet a girl who likes me, and will never be happy. I get those thoughts ALL the time, and as the days, the weeks, the months, and years go by, it's getting worse and worse. Again, I'm 25 years old and have NO experience with the opposite sex. None. Name something and I can almost GUARANTEE I haven't done it. Guaranteed, and that's fucking sad, so yeah, I just wish people would fucking UNDERSTAND me, and realize that when I contact them out of the blue, it means the FUCKING world, cuz I don't do that almost ever. Seriously, appreciate it, and appreciate me.

I also hate the goddamn holidays, cuz all it does is make the happy people happier and the miserable people even MORE fucking miserable. It reminds people like me that we're alone, angry, hateful, and have NOBODY to share the "special times" with. I've been lonely and MISERABLE for EVERY fucking Christmas that I can remember, so FUCK Christmas until some goddamn SAINT comes along who FINALLY likes me like a BOYFRIEND and not just "like a brother" or "like a friend" or what the FUCK ever. Fuck the holidays, cuz they fucking suck. Bah humbug...

My Mourning

What happens when a relationship is dead? When all the feelings are gone? I had been looking forward to this point for a long, long time, and now, just seeing her again, I realized it was dead. All those lingering feelings were completely dead, and it was odd. It was strange, and awkward, and even a bit uncomfortable, and it shouldn't have been. I'm just wondering if the "relationship", that specialness, the way we were with each other was only because I had feelings to begin with. Like maybe that "something" between us was only there because I liked her, and now that I don't, now that I'll barely ever see her again, especially not regularly, it's gone. Maybe it never truly existed at all.

In a way, it made me miss the old times. Like, even with all the bullshit, the problems, the arguments and such, maybe I'd gladly LEAP back to that and forget about all the bad stuff and enjoy that "something" again. They say that hindsight is 20/20, but maybe it's not. Why is it that SO many times ex's get back together cuz they both miss what they had, then soon realize why they did, cuz there were LEGIT problems? I wonder why the human brain has the tendency to smooth other things in the past. To make problems no big deal, not of real consequence, and sadly, even to make good times, good memories not as great as they were in the moment. It sadly makes us all miss things before, in the past, "back in the day", when things were simpler and easier and better, when maybe... they weren't.

Either way, today made me feel strange. I thought I'd feel one way when I saw her, but I really didn't. It was like that "fire" was gone. She was just another person, and that kinda made me sad. That specialness between us was gone, likely never to return, and I can only mourn what we once had, if we had anything at all, that is... :(

My Insignificance

I feel so insignificant. Like a speck of nothingness, even in the life of the one girl I care about most. She doesn't even realize how much I care about her, how highly I think of her, and I'll bet barely thinks about me at all. She makes me hate myself in how I feel about her, as I care so much about her and she cares so little about me. It's all unbalanced, and like life itself, it's all so unfair. I feel like I'll never be good enough to end up with a wonderful girl like her, and to know you'll never matter to someone who matters to you... It really sucks, and it hurts, and it's always been that way for me. Every single girl I've EVER liked has been the exact same way, then I just end up more miserable and alone in the end.

I think ever since I've been little, and knew what the word meant, deep down, I've always been lonely. I've been told I'm naturally a loner, by myself, spending most of my time alone, and while I love it, I also hate it. I've gone all these years without ANY special someone, even anyone I could say liked me, had a crush on me, had feelings for me, and unless you've experienced that yourself, you will NEVER know how it feels. Sure, some twelve or thirteen year olds out there might understand, but not to THIS point. Not at MY age. It's just pathetic and I don't understand. Nobody does who discovers that horrible fact. Just makes me feel like such a loser as I have nothing while EVERYONE else at least has had SOMETHING in their lives. Maybe not long, LONG relationships, but can at least say ONE person out there thought they were cute, or hot, or attractive, or wanted to spend time with them, get to know them, date them, etc, while I can't. Not in all these years I can't, and... it's just so sad.

I've learned to deal with my loneliness, or at least bury it down, but certain girls come around that just mean something to me. They stand out from the crowd and I really like them. Then, like always, nothing happens. Whether they find out that I like them or not, they never like me back, and likely WOULD NEVER like me back. That's just a horrible feeling, cuz as much as you'd like to be friends, sure, you can never be more. And even in that case, the friend-case, I can't even have that. I can't even be a good friend in their lives, someone they care about, think about, talk about to other people. No, I'm nothing, and I'm afraid I'll always be nothing. I'll always be insignificant, no matter what I do, and I wonder why I deserve everything to be like this... and if it'll ever change... :(

My Self-Hatred & Another Dream

I like myself, at least some aspects, but deep down, I don't think I like myself very much. I not only have some body issues and often times dislike my appearance, but I also hate all the weak parts of myself that mask and hold down the GREAT parts of me that EVERYONE should see and love. And like they say, if I don't like myself, how can I EVER expect some sweet, caring, and wonderful girl to EVER like me either? Hell, ANY girl? Meanwhile, in order for me to like myself, I think I NEED a girl to care about me, so I can see my own self-worth through their eyes, so to speak, so therefore it's a huge fucking Catch-22, aka I'm eternally fucked.

I feel like shit tonight. I had a really sad, yet wonderful (at the end) dream last night, and forgot about it all day, until just earlier. I was thinking it over in my head and it brought tears to my eyes, realizing how sad it was, and how fantastically happy I felt at the end of it. And most of all, how TOTALLY unhappy I am in real life, and the growing fear that I'll never be that happy, no matter how long I live.

Basically, there's this girl. I really like her, like in a way I've NEVER liked a girl before. Usually they're really pretty, or nice to me, caring, or I feel like they know me and still don't SHUN me, or something, but this girl... She's just something else. She's so unique, and crazy, and goofy, and funny, and just awesome. I think we meshed really well what little bit we did spend time together, but as of late, I've barely seen her. I've been doing my best to try to spend time with her, to even see her AT ALL, but like almost all things in my life, it's ended in utter failure, over and over and over. So, back to the dream...

I'm in some building with lots of doors, some in front leading to the outside, and many inside, going all over the place. It's not supposed to feel like a maze, but to me, it is. I'm constantly going through door after door, searching for this girl. Every single time it seems I'm about to FINALLY catch her, she gets away again. I call out her name, asking for her to stop, to just talk to me for a minute, cuz I miss her, I want to look into her eyes, just see her for a moment. I follow her throughout the building, door after door after door, and each time I get close, she slips away again. The building is empty, but for some reason, I just can't catch her, but I keep trying. I do NOT give up, even though I'm tired, depressed, and nearly crying from frustration and sadness of not being able to see her.

I follow and follow and follow, and finally, I see her go through the front doors. I BURST out after her, and FINALLY catch her. I grab her by the arm, turning her towards me and stare deeply into her eyes. I see her smile, which draws a smile from me as well. I tell her how glad I am to finally see her, to talk to her, cuz she's been gone so long. I say how much I've missed her, and simply reach out to hug her. I wrap my arms around her back, holding her tightly, and feel her arms go around me. We hold each other tightly, and the hug, the embrace, it seems to go on forever. It's like time is frozen around us, and I simply look down at her, gazing into her eyes, and both of us are nothing but happy. I FINALLY feel happy, finally, as I can't even think of what to tell her now, and then... I wake up.

It was a wonderful dream that didn't really affect me earlier, just after I got up, but earlier, and now, it's just... so touching. I didn't realize I liked that girl as much as I apparently do, but nonetheless, I gotta let her go. She's just too good for me, too awesome, too out of my reach, literally and metaphorically, and will forever be, so all I can do is wish her the best and move on, trying to forget about her the best I can. I wish she could know how highly I think of her, but I doubt she ever will. I also hope she's happy no matter where she is or what she does, cuz she's just a great person, and I'm not sure I'll ever meet a girl like her ever again.

So to her, I say goodbye.