My Something

I really don't know what to write about tonight. I seem to have this problem MOST nights, but it's 7:09am right now, I should ALREADY be reading or sleeping, but no, time has passed and I'm still sitting here trying to figure out what to write for tonight. I'm NOT gonna break my streak and just "not write anything tonight" cuz then I'll probably give up completely and fail myself again. No, even if I don't have anything deep or interesting or great to write about, I'll just kinda write whatever pops into my head.

Last night I was sad, but tonight, I'm just kinda... here. Not angry, not upset, not depressed, exactly, but just here. I'm tired, which is to be expected being so late at night, or ACTUALLY in the morning, and I gotta be up "early" tomorrow for my first meeting with a therapist. I'm not sure if it'll actually do any good, but I'm willing to try anyway. I've talked about MOST of my issues, at length, with a few people, but things don't seem to change. Actually, they do a bit, but only get worse. The good things fade away, the shitty things get even more shitty, and new bad things pop up ALL over the place like... well, whatever pops up and is bad. Sure, I have made some GREAT personal strides in the last six months or so, basically since the beginning of the year, but with all the personal growth has come a LOT of pain, both mental and physical, and even "spiritual" as well. Growing pains, maybe, but either way, hurts like a bitch.

Random thought/realization from the other day, actually: My glasses are old. I havent had NEW glasses in at LEAST three years, if not four. My insurance ran out in mid-2006 when I graduated for the second time from ITT, and I know I hadn't gotten new glasses before that for maybe a year, if not two. These are good, and it's not like my vision's worse so I NEED new ones in order to function, but they're all scratched up, which I can clearly tell cuz no matter HOW much I clean them, they're not fully "clean". Anyway, just a random thought as I cleaned them AGAIN tonight and they're... irritating.

I finally shaved up earlier. I'd been "letting myself go" cuz it doesn't matter anyway, as I have no one to impress whatsoever. I'd NEARLY reached "hobo beard" level again, but just thougth "fuck it" tonight and took maybe a half hour to shave up, and trim down my beard to a neat, non-hobo level. Now I look good again, even with nasty, too long-ish hair. I could use a haircut, duh, but I'll probably let that go until it drives me COMPLETELY insane or my parents insist. I've always wanted "long" hair, but getting from "usual" to "long" seems like a bitch, and I'm not sure if waiting all that time and dealing with all the bullshit that comes with growing out my hair would be worth it. Maybe, maybe not, but I guess we'll see, like MOST shit in my life.

After my few days of "fun" from my birthday, things are back to normal, it seems, CONSTANTLY waiting for things to get rolling, and I'm realizing how time is wasting away again. When you can look back on your day and summarize it into like two or three things you did ALL day that aren't either making money or having a TON of fun, then yeah, it was pointless and a waste. Watching episodes of a TV show online, beating a video game, and working on a personal project that will PROBABLY never do anything except entertain myself while I work hard on it, which even that I'm barely doing that much anymore, THAT is definitely a waste of a day. I THINK I was supposed to do a shoot today, but with the girl not contacting me, me not being in the mood, and the weather outside (when is weather ever INSIDE?) getting colder by the day, aka LESS good for shooting for long periods of time, it just didn't work out, I guess. Maybe another day, as I still want to, but I think it needs more planning first before it all works out as it should.

Wow, this blog ended up a BIT longer than I'd assumed just rambling on and on about whatever came to my head. Oh, and earlier, seeing just ONE new photo of my former "crush" gave me some bad feelings inside, lingering shit, so APPARENTLY I'm not FULLY over her. But hey, who could blame me? I haven't ACTUALLY been "into" a girl since the last MAJOR one, and that was years ago. I've just had too much of my own personal shit going on, and been home WAY too much to "meet" anyone knew, so now that I did, or THOUGHT I did before it all vanished... anyway, yeah, it shouldn't be surprising that I can't just let ALL those feelings go ASAP. I'm trying, cuz while the original cutesy, hopeful, and "happy" feelings feel SO great at first, in time, I just end up letting myself down again, hopelessly, and then feel even worse than when I started. I know you TYPICALLY can't control who you like, or how you feel about people, but still, crushes are bad for me cuz the feelings are NEVER, EVER returned. Poor, poor me, I know.

Enough for today. I got some reading to do, then getting up "early" for my first therapist meeting. I'm definitely curious what's gonna happen, and maybe if I'll be seeing him regularly to discuss my "issues". MOST of all, I'm REALLY wondering if it'll even make a difference, cuz I've done a lot of discussing so far, with various people, getting SOME advice from those who listen, and I've tried my ass off, grown as a person, and am striving for the things I really want, but it's almost nothing but failure after failure after failure and either things don't change at all, or get even worse. Bleh diddy bleh bleh blehhhhh... And boy, do I wish I could just break down, cry my eyes out, and get it over with, cuz I'm sure I'd feel better, at least for a little bit. :(

My Sadness

I'm feeling sad again. I originally wrote "depressed" but that's more my normal mood, and tonight, I just feel sad. Sad about numerous things, a few sad revelations I discovered today, and drifting back into some old sad things.

Family problems are often the hardest we can deal with, and even though my family's good, probably one of the BEST I know, we obviously have our own. I've just realized today that nobody can fucking compromise, nobody REALLY talks and discusses issues in order to solve them, and even though I'm LITERALLY a goddamn fucking genius, most people don't listen to me. Well, DUH to the last thing, cuz I've known that for a while now, but the first two are new.

Compromise is important in relationships to help things run smoothly and HOPEFULLY keep everyone happy. When people don't talk, don't figure out what each person can deal with in order not to "rock the boat" there are problems, and they keep growing and growing, and horrible things come of it, like people say things they don't mean, and things are just fucking ruined. I TRY to make people discuss, but again, like usual, I'm blown off.

I'm just fucking tired of it, tired of being me for how I'm treated, even though me as a person is FANTASTIC. I want people to STOP treating me the way they do and GODDAMN APPRECIATE ME. Listen to me, pay attention to what I say, especially my advice which is great and balanced and unbiased, and just fucking DO it. But no...

I don't want to be too specific about this next realization, but let's just say that I've discovered that someone I was VERY much into isn't quite as great as I'd originally thought. Again, I've "idealized" someone, when in reality, they're not really... I guess what would be good for me, or what I want, or something. I'm not really sure how to explain it, but there are just some odd things, and... yeah, so good times, now I'm officially crushless again. Better to be alone and "crushless" than "into" someone I have NO hope to ever be with (aka all girls, no matter what), so I guess that's a GOOD thing, right? Better to have no hope than false hope. At least that's what I think.

I'm also sad that I miss someone. We've had a rocky relationship, from barely anything for years to "friends" and then I was HOPING more, but no, it wasn't meant to be, I guess. Either way, then it got bad, we weren't on speaking terms for a while, then back on, then back off again. I've had some of the most fun moments of my life with her, moments where I got to be a normal person, going out, hanging out at places, eating food, going to movies, spending quality time with someone I care about, and just... living. Few things truly make me feel like I'm "living" but spending time with her was one of those things, each and every time. It probably didn't mean much to her, and people doing the same stuff as I did then but ALL the time probably don't appreciate it, but I just loved it. It made me feel so good, so happy, so real, like I was a normal person, doing normal things, and had some girl who ACTUALLY cared about me for ONCE in my sorry excuse for a life. Sure, lots of bad stuff happened AROUND those fun times, but, I think, in the end, it was worth it, and now, she's gone.

She's moved away, and I have no one to spend time with anymore. She was an important part of me, in so many ways that I can't even describe, and for a long time, years and years, but now with her gone... it's just not good. I WAS happy originally, not having to "deal" with her anymore, our issues with each other, but now I truly miss her. I'm sure she'd realize how much I've changed since she last saw me, probably in a few moments, and hopefully make me feel a LITTLE better about myself, and things in general. Anyway, yeah, I miss her, and honestly can't wait to see her again. I'm just hoping, nearly PRAYING that being around her again, I can stop being miserable for a short while, even, and just "live".

I just feel... quiet and sad. And tired, but not for any REAL reason as I got plenty of sleep and didn't do shit today. I barely feel like talking, or chatting, or much of anything, really. I guess my mind's just realizing AGAIN that nothing is moving, no actual movement in my life, and with the family issues that I gotta fucking deal with now, and being "crushless" and FRUSTRATED with no one ever contacting me back to do anything to help me with things I DESPERATELY fucking need... I'm just sad.

Things are bad, I'm sad, and I really don't know what to do again. But it's different, like I'm not angry about it, right this second, but just overall sad. I feel like I could cry my eyes out with just the right thing to "set me off" and... kinda want to, really. I could use a good cry after all I've been through lately. I've already broken down like three times, officially, in the last few months, so I might as well make it four.

I just feel... cold. Chills, up and down my spine. And totally, totally sad. :(

My Scatterbrain

Since, again, I have NO clue what to write tonight, I'm just gonna post a bunch of random thoughts. Basically just whatever comes to my head.

First, my arm/neck/shoulder hurts AS USUAL. It's seeming to get better, but not fast enough. I've had this shit before, so it's PROBABLY gonna be lingering my entire life, I'm guessing. Speaking of things NOT healing, the HUGE bruise on my right arm, one of the biggest I've ever seen on me in my life, or really anyone I can think of, is STILL not fully healed yet. The lump's still kinda there, a little, and the right-half is gone, but the left is still dark purple , slowly fading away, and ALL from swinging on the swings like now almost three weeks ago? Really? If so, goddamn.

I'm always right, but when I'm REALLY right, when I'm sure about something and see it RIGHT before my eyes, goddamn, it makes me feel good. I'm fucking BRILLIANT, and it sucks that SO few people realize it, or truly compliment me on it either. Hell, the ONLY compliments I get are about my "brains" and even then, it's rare.

Bleh. People RARELY fucking talk about me, and then when I hear ACTUAL "evidence" of it, it's fuckin stupid shit. Some stupid girl blabbing about all the school loans I have, like it's her fucking business. No talk about my novel, my photography, my smarts, my kindness, my helpfulness, patience, understanding, and a TRILLION other awesome things about me. Nope, JUST my goddamn loans. Fantastic. Now people who hear that have this bad thought in their head about me, like I'm "bad" with money, when the problem is, I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY! If I EVER had any, and when I DO have any, I'm actually GOOD with it, so it's all fucking retarded and pisses me the fuck off. Fuck them and their stupid blabby mouths. I'm awesome, so spread the word, fuckers.

At this point, I've been up like almost 21 hours, from 10am Sunday til now, 6:36am. I'm feeling out of it, often fucking up on my typing, but hey, good for me. I'm a... something.

Yeah, I'm too tired, so I'll just be done here. Decent day, MORE shit got cancelled (SHOCKING!!!) but hey, life goes on. Hopefully things will EVENTUALLY happen and get better. We'll see, as I keep on saying at the end of these blogs...

My Would-Have-Beens

I realized last night that my life is full of too many "would-have-beens" and not enough "was's". What I mean is that things come along, opportunities, chances, events, and while I HOPE to be included, to go along, to have fun, things MOST of the time just magickally don't work out. It's always like "man, that party would have awesome" or "shooting with that model would have been SO great for my portfolio" or "getting that job would have been great for me" and MILLIONS of other examples, many of which just in the last few months. I SOOOOO rarely go "holy shit, that show was great" or "that shoot with her was fantastic" or "hanging out the other night was so much fun" and that really shows how my life is, and has been for as long as I can remember.

A lot of people would tell me "you just don't try" but the thing is, I HAVE been. I've been going out of my way, pushing for things the last few months to a year more than I EVER have before. The problem is, when you push for something, it's not ONLY relying on you for whatever it is to happen or take place. No, part of it relies on someone else, and THAT is where things fall through for me. I try, I push, I nudge along, I am persistant, or at least moreso than ever before, but in the end, it doesn't happen. SO rarely does anything I want happen, and the more I want it, the LESS likely it is to happen. Sure, I may not try ENOUGH, I may not push ENOUGH, but goddammit, I'm doing it more than ever, and people gotta realize that. PLUS they gotta realize that whether they call it luck or fate or whatever, it's VERY shitty for me, and most things just fall apart right before my eyes. No matter the effort, the planning, the pushing, the drive, the motivation, it doesn't work, and goddamn has that hurt me more than almost anyone will ever know the last few months.

It doesn't matter what it's about. It could be about my novel that I'm trying to finish and publish. It could be my photography, trying to set up shoots with girls to gain some experience, to improve on my skills, to learn and get better and better so I can EVENTUALLY make some money and make some awesome art in the process. It could be a lot of things, but almost always, it fails. I just don't know how much more I can push for the things that I want, asking for favors, contacting people, trying to schedule things, all for it to be pointless in the end when nothing works out. Okay, not NOTHING, but damn close. Almost the ONLY things that actually do work out are the things that OTHER people, like my friend Matt does, and schedules, and includes me in on it. THOSE seem to work, every now and then, but just me? Me alone? Nope, failure, and goddamn, that both pisses me off and makes me SO depressed.

I thought for years that my ONLY problem was that I was too shy, I didn't try enough, I didn't push hard enough for what I want, but this year, I've pushed and strived and worked harder than I think I EVER have in my life, and I have so little to show for it. Personally, I'm growing, and that's fantastic, but I've had a MILLION failures across the board of things I've pushed for, and only a few successes, and even those were small, usually, and few and far between. Most of the failures are just people contacting me back in the first place to allow ANYTHING to happen at all, cuz no matter how much I write, or how little, how nice I am, how direct I am, angry, forceful, patient, understanding, 99.213% of the time, people get my messages, read them, and then NEVER fucking bother to write back. What the flying fuck? If I was a complete stranger, sure, I could imagine not getting a response back, but I'M THEIR FRIEND! MY OWN FRIENDS DON'T CONTACT ME BACK ABOUT SUPER IMPORTANT SHIT IN MY LIFE!!! How the FUCK is that even possible?

I'm not gonna rant (at least not any further) even though I could without ANY effort, but I will end things with my original point. Too often in my life I keep getting those "would-have-beens" and almost NO "was's" and I'm really curious if things will ever change. If they do, what goddamn point do I have to reach when they DO change and when things ACTUALLY start to get better for me in my life? I really, REALLY wanna know, cuz I've been hitting a brick wall for months now and I'm not sure whether I have the effort to EXPLODE with fury to everyone and everything, or just give up, falling to the ground, tears in my eyes as I completely give up and never have the effort to try again. I really, really don't know... :(

My Waiting

I'll constantly be waiting for you, forever. The neverending wait. Waiting for the girl that will never come. I'll grow old waiting for you. Waiting, and waiting, and waiting. Waiting for this "perfect girl" that everyone's been telling me about for years, promising me that someday I'll meet her and be happy. That I deserve her. I deserve to be happy. Well, it's been a long time. A LONG fucking time, and nothing. Fucking nothing. So maybe I don't deserve it. Maybe everyone was wrong. Maybe they THOUGHT I deserved the "perfect girl" or hell, ANY girl, any girl that'd like me, not hurt me, not fuck me over like all the rest have, but they were wrong. Dead wrong. Maybe I fucked up along the way, became a bad person who wasn't deserving of happiness. Only deserving lonelyness, sadness, depression. Am I a bad guy now? Please, answer that for me, cuz I don't know anymore...

I'm tired of waiting. Tired of caring. Tired of hoping. Tired of wishing. Tired of thinking. Tired of feeling. Tired of dreaming. Tired of so much. Without even trying in the first place, I now choose to give up. To just "move along" and go about my life with no thoughts of someone liking me, wanting to be with me, wanting to be around me, spend time with me, care about me, even... love me. No. Just gotta go on alone, alone like I've always been, and seemingly, like I'll always be...

Alone. Forever. Thanks.

*****

Going back through some of the old things I've written, mostly just rants about my thoughts and feelings, it's interesting, but MOSTLY depressing. I have file after file after file of depressing things I've written about things throughout the last few years. Mostly about one girl in particular, but other shit as well. All of it is bad. I don't really think I have one SINGLE file with something I wrote when I was happy, and I think that's very telling about me as a person. Sure, people tend to "wash over" their good days and "hold on" to their bad days, but seriously. Dozens and dozens, maybe HUNDREDS of things I've written and saved, and they're ALL negative? That's pretty bad, and yes, repetitive as fuck, which shows that no matter how things change, and they have, somehow, and for SOME fucking reason, they all tend to stay the same.

Since I'm exhausted, I'm not gonna ramble on anymore, but let's just say that today, I had some VERY good news, stuff that shocked the shit out of me in a GREAT way, but the results of that were not so great. Lots of worry, anticipation (and the bad kind) and just a "bad feeling" that shit was gonna go wrong, and while some did, I think more is coming. I HOPE not, but sadly, my gut feelings are PRETTY accurate. Either way, things should be good for people OTHER than myself, but me, personally? Yeah, not necessarily so great cuz I'm STILL waiting (just like the thing I wrote like a year and a half ago that I posted above). Both waiting on some MAGICKAL girl to appear in my life and FIX ME, but also waiting on too many fucking people to contact me back so I can make opportunities to do good things, productive things, and in the process, make MYSELF happy and feel good again, as I've generally felt like shit for a long, LONG time now.

We'll see what happens, huh? Bleh...