My Wonderings

Lately I've kinda wondered about something, even though it's probably something that's been deep down inside of me for a long time. I wonder if anyone will ever be as interested in me as I am interested in them. Numerous times in my life have I met people who draw my attention, whether it be a guy, girl, friend, stranger, or otherwise. In my spare time (of which I have a lot of it, sadly) I will maybe think about them, wonder about what they're doing, if they're having fun, or they're upset, or whatever they're feeling at that very moment, just randomly.

With the invention of the Internet comes even more to do besides simply THINK about people, but to check out their websites, their blogs, photos, and tons of other crap people post from their personal, and not so personal lives. Again, when I'm bored, I'll roam around sometimes, see things, read things, and kinda "learn" things about people, and it's all very interesting to get a little look into their lives.

Anywhore, while I don't do it TOO often, but once in a while, I'm just curious if anyone is ever that interested in me. I wonder if people ever randomly go to MY websites, web pages, photos, blogs, writings, posts, bulletins, and all the other crap I post online, and just see it, read it, and "learn" things about me. I wonder if people are interested at all, or am I completely on my own in the way I am, and in HOW many ways am I completely unique from others? Is the rest of the world made up of people who just post things and then wait for others to be interested in them, or does it go the other way?

Has anyone ever, for example, read any of my blogs that I've posted through the years, about various things, and thought differently about me after they read it than compared to before that point? Have they thought better of me? Worse? Do they appreciate me more, or less? Do they ever feel like they know me better having read it, than as compared to never reading it in the first place? Is posting blogs or photos or anything REALLY worth it at all? I mean, if no one checks them out, if it affects nothing, and if it's not ENTIRELY to entertain myself, then yes, theoretically, if no one cares, then it's a huge waste of my time. And yes, I have LOTS of time, but that still doesn't mean I should waste it all away with crap that doesn't matter.

Those are just some things I wonder to myself, and over the years, I still haven't figured out an answer. Here and there I get responses to things I post, but the VAST majority of the time, I don't. And I never really get any REALLY positive responses from things, even though I feel I post some worthwhile things, at least some of the time. Even this blog is, well, so far, PURELY for me, but eventually, sure, I'd like people to know about it, to read it, to enjoy kinda "getting in my head" a bit. I feel I'm a very interesting person, and people SHOULD be interested in me, so if they're not, is that my fault, or theirs?

As I've said in the past, for example, you can be the MOST confident person in the world, but if no one knows of your talents, if you have no way to showcase your skills and abilities, does your confidence even matter at all? The best musician in the world is nothing without an audience to KNOW his greatness. Same for anything else in this world, so even if I AM a great writer, or even if I DO take great photographs, or if I AM a great person, caring, understanding, considerate, reasonable, fair, and TONS of other good things, does it really matter if almost no one acknowledges those things about me? Or hell, even barely acknowledges me at all? I already have low enough self-esteem as it is, so when people make me feel invisible, that's the LAST thing I need.

Well, I don't want this "wondering" blog to roam into a "bitching" blog, but yeah, again, those are just some of the MANY things I wonder not only about myself, but about the world. Most of all, I wonder if I'll ever meet anyone who will TRULY understand me as a person. Who will respect me, appreciate me, and for everything, from my physical appearance all the way down to my "soul". Now yes, I'm more refering to a "girl" than anything, but people in general who would understand and accept me, and LIKE me a lot, consider me an important person in their life, that would be GREAT too, but yeah... mostly the girl thing, lol

So far, I don't really think I've met any girl who's even CLOSE to that "magickal" girl that's the "right one" for me out there, or maybe I have, but just don't realize it, or haven't spent enough time with her, or a MILLION other reasons. I really don't know much, as I'm still almost like a child when it comes to the "opposite sex", but I'm just hoping I CAN meet some girl, some great girl, sweet, kind, pretty, and MOST of all, ACTUALLY cares about me, truly, deeply, and really inspires me to be the best version of myself that I can possibly be. Maybe that'll be at least ONE of the "keys" for me to be "happy", and not just temporarily, like after watching a good movie, eating some good food, or... other crap.

End of ramble, and maybe I'll post some more wonderings next time, cuz I've honestly been having a hard time thinking of things to write about each evening before bed. I'm just hoping it gets easier as I get more into the "groove" of it. Til then...