My Thoughts

I'm not really sure what to write today, as my brain seems to be all scrambled and strange at the moment. I seemed to feel GOOD about things for the first time in a few weeks earlier tonight, wanting to push to do constructive work, seriously discussing shoots and plans and stuff, etc. But then, my Internet died RIGHT as Matt and I began to think up good ideas for my Flash site, so that sucked. Then I kinda started watching a movie on Sex Addicts, which was interesting and QUITE odd, but the movie ended with the guy getting over his addiction and meeting this great girl that he married at the end of the movie, so that made me feel good. Then I got back online, the net was FINALLY back, so I started chatting again.

Okay, quick tangent. I wonder why it is that certain words, maybe names, ideas, or whatever, for YEARS kinda pass you by without a thought, like you barely notice, and then SOMETHING changes in your life, and then you can't go a couple hours without spotting it somewhere. I've been having it with a name lately, which was always a cute name, but never really GRABBED me like other names in the past have. Now, it's almost the most ADORABLE name I can think of, and I see it OVER AND OVER AND OVER! Whether it's the name of a character in a movie, a small one, or the MAIN character, or on the billboard in another movie, or even just a random name during the credits, on TV, etc, etc, etc, it just KEEPS popping up, and it's just quite odd to me. Damn me and my stupid brain for now seeing that name ALL over... *shaking head*

I again realized tonight that having a goal to work towards keeps me focused, keeps me at least AIMING at something and feeling productive and generally okay. After hearing about the pretty much "death" of RSM, my future modeling website, I was pretty much as CLOSE as you could get to morbidly depressed without ACTUALLY getting to "morbid". I'm still feeling the effects, and without a REAL target or goal or whatever to aim for, I've been pretty lost. I got a few TINY things that could possibly happen in the next few weeks or months, so I'm gonna wait for those, but in the meantime, I'm pretty fucked, and NOT in the good way. Anyway, to NOT make this another miserably depressed blog, I'm just gonna say that I gotta find some goals to work towards soon, cuz other than that, I'm PRETTY much useless.

Another thing I"d like to mention that I AGAIN realized, or shall I say, already knew, is that I am not complimented very much. I've been told since I was little how "smart" I was, or really how "nice" I was, but I already knew that. I KNOW I'm a nice guy, and I KNOW I'm smart, look at my fucking grades, obviously, and they can tell you FAR more than any person could. I've always been very bright, good at school, with great attention and focus and testing ability and just all that crap that goes with it. So, for THAT part of myself, I'm very confident, and I'm sure I'll NEVER have any issues with lack of self-esteem, but when it comes to my looks, to my relationships with girls, dating, etc, I'm pretty much fucked. I've NEVER been complimented on my looks from any girl, nor have I been called ugly, honestly, but still, nothing positive either. I've never been even CLOSE to anything considered "dating" so I have no confidence or experience there either. So why should anyone be surprised to know that when it comes to MOST things about me outside of my brains or kindness, I'm completely lacking in self-confidence. It shouldn't be shocking at all, so I'm just hoping that SOMEDAY, some angel, some princess will come along, compliment me, like me, care about me, and FINALLY make me feel good about myself, cuz I desperately need it at this point. Nearly twenty-five years old without a shred of REAL self-confidence? Yeah, that's bad.

I'm not sure what else to write for this evening, so I guess I can cut things off right here. I think it's been more positive than bitching, more thinking about my situation in life and analyzing things rather than complaining, so that's good, I say. Hopefully I'll have more of that in future blogs, along with more old poetry, maybe some NEW stuff if I can come up with anything good, some book stuff, and... well, just more "deep" things about my life and how my brain works, cuz besides all the UBER depressing shit, I really like my brain and all the cool shit I think about. So yeah, til next time...