My Would-Have-Beens

I realized last night that my life is full of too many "would-have-beens" and not enough "was's". What I mean is that things come along, opportunities, chances, events, and while I HOPE to be included, to go along, to have fun, things MOST of the time just magickally don't work out. It's always like "man, that party would have awesome" or "shooting with that model would have been SO great for my portfolio" or "getting that job would have been great for me" and MILLIONS of other examples, many of which just in the last few months. I SOOOOO rarely go "holy shit, that show was great" or "that shoot with her was fantastic" or "hanging out the other night was so much fun" and that really shows how my life is, and has been for as long as I can remember.

A lot of people would tell me "you just don't try" but the thing is, I HAVE been. I've been going out of my way, pushing for things the last few months to a year more than I EVER have before. The problem is, when you push for something, it's not ONLY relying on you for whatever it is to happen or take place. No, part of it relies on someone else, and THAT is where things fall through for me. I try, I push, I nudge along, I am persistant, or at least moreso than ever before, but in the end, it doesn't happen. SO rarely does anything I want happen, and the more I want it, the LESS likely it is to happen. Sure, I may not try ENOUGH, I may not push ENOUGH, but goddammit, I'm doing it more than ever, and people gotta realize that. PLUS they gotta realize that whether they call it luck or fate or whatever, it's VERY shitty for me, and most things just fall apart right before my eyes. No matter the effort, the planning, the pushing, the drive, the motivation, it doesn't work, and goddamn has that hurt me more than almost anyone will ever know the last few months.

It doesn't matter what it's about. It could be about my novel that I'm trying to finish and publish. It could be my photography, trying to set up shoots with girls to gain some experience, to improve on my skills, to learn and get better and better so I can EVENTUALLY make some money and make some awesome art in the process. It could be a lot of things, but almost always, it fails. I just don't know how much more I can push for the things that I want, asking for favors, contacting people, trying to schedule things, all for it to be pointless in the end when nothing works out. Okay, not NOTHING, but damn close. Almost the ONLY things that actually do work out are the things that OTHER people, like my friend Matt does, and schedules, and includes me in on it. THOSE seem to work, every now and then, but just me? Me alone? Nope, failure, and goddamn, that both pisses me off and makes me SO depressed.

I thought for years that my ONLY problem was that I was too shy, I didn't try enough, I didn't push hard enough for what I want, but this year, I've pushed and strived and worked harder than I think I EVER have in my life, and I have so little to show for it. Personally, I'm growing, and that's fantastic, but I've had a MILLION failures across the board of things I've pushed for, and only a few successes, and even those were small, usually, and few and far between. Most of the failures are just people contacting me back in the first place to allow ANYTHING to happen at all, cuz no matter how much I write, or how little, how nice I am, how direct I am, angry, forceful, patient, understanding, 99.213% of the time, people get my messages, read them, and then NEVER fucking bother to write back. What the flying fuck? If I was a complete stranger, sure, I could imagine not getting a response back, but I'M THEIR FRIEND! MY OWN FRIENDS DON'T CONTACT ME BACK ABOUT SUPER IMPORTANT SHIT IN MY LIFE!!! How the FUCK is that even possible?

I'm not gonna rant (at least not any further) even though I could without ANY effort, but I will end things with my original point. Too often in my life I keep getting those "would-have-beens" and almost NO "was's" and I'm really curious if things will ever change. If they do, what goddamn point do I have to reach when they DO change and when things ACTUALLY start to get better for me in my life? I really, REALLY wanna know, cuz I've been hitting a brick wall for months now and I'm not sure whether I have the effort to EXPLODE with fury to everyone and everything, or just give up, falling to the ground, tears in my eyes as I completely give up and never have the effort to try again. I really, really don't know... :(

My Waiting

I'll constantly be waiting for you, forever. The neverending wait. Waiting for the girl that will never come. I'll grow old waiting for you. Waiting, and waiting, and waiting. Waiting for this "perfect girl" that everyone's been telling me about for years, promising me that someday I'll meet her and be happy. That I deserve her. I deserve to be happy. Well, it's been a long time. A LONG fucking time, and nothing. Fucking nothing. So maybe I don't deserve it. Maybe everyone was wrong. Maybe they THOUGHT I deserved the "perfect girl" or hell, ANY girl, any girl that'd like me, not hurt me, not fuck me over like all the rest have, but they were wrong. Dead wrong. Maybe I fucked up along the way, became a bad person who wasn't deserving of happiness. Only deserving lonelyness, sadness, depression. Am I a bad guy now? Please, answer that for me, cuz I don't know anymore...

I'm tired of waiting. Tired of caring. Tired of hoping. Tired of wishing. Tired of thinking. Tired of feeling. Tired of dreaming. Tired of so much. Without even trying in the first place, I now choose to give up. To just "move along" and go about my life with no thoughts of someone liking me, wanting to be with me, wanting to be around me, spend time with me, care about me, even... love me. No. Just gotta go on alone, alone like I've always been, and seemingly, like I'll always be...

Alone. Forever. Thanks.

*****

Going back through some of the old things I've written, mostly just rants about my thoughts and feelings, it's interesting, but MOSTLY depressing. I have file after file after file of depressing things I've written about things throughout the last few years. Mostly about one girl in particular, but other shit as well. All of it is bad. I don't really think I have one SINGLE file with something I wrote when I was happy, and I think that's very telling about me as a person. Sure, people tend to "wash over" their good days and "hold on" to their bad days, but seriously. Dozens and dozens, maybe HUNDREDS of things I've written and saved, and they're ALL negative? That's pretty bad, and yes, repetitive as fuck, which shows that no matter how things change, and they have, somehow, and for SOME fucking reason, they all tend to stay the same.

Since I'm exhausted, I'm not gonna ramble on anymore, but let's just say that today, I had some VERY good news, stuff that shocked the shit out of me in a GREAT way, but the results of that were not so great. Lots of worry, anticipation (and the bad kind) and just a "bad feeling" that shit was gonna go wrong, and while some did, I think more is coming. I HOPE not, but sadly, my gut feelings are PRETTY accurate. Either way, things should be good for people OTHER than myself, but me, personally? Yeah, not necessarily so great cuz I'm STILL waiting (just like the thing I wrote like a year and a half ago that I posted above). Both waiting on some MAGICKAL girl to appear in my life and FIX ME, but also waiting on too many fucking people to contact me back so I can make opportunities to do good things, productive things, and in the process, make MYSELF happy and feel good again, as I've generally felt like shit for a long, LONG time now.

We'll see what happens, huh? Bleh...

My Birthday

Let's just say I'm really tired so I'm not gonna "go off" as usual. Probably gonna keep this short and sweet, even though I want ALL of my blogs to have "substance" and "meaning". I'll probably just say I had a good birthday, even though I feared that turning 25 would make me upset, knowing that I've had SO little experience in my life by this point. I still don't feel GREAT about that, but I think, for ONCE, I'm gonna look on the bright side and just say that it's good I'm gonna deal with things now that I'm older and ready, rather than dealing with them when I was younger and NOT. Plus while I still have a BUNCH of new things to discover, many people at my age don't, and are more ready to get married, "settle down" and have families and shit, while I'm JUST really getting started with the rest of my life and I'm far, FAR off from what most mid-20s people are thinking about. So really, again, looking on the bright side, and that's good, no, VERY good for me.

Besides that, I was glad to hear from so many of my friends, new and old, wishing me a happy birthday. I had a few surprises, both good and bad, but all in all, a good day. Things are still slowly rolling along, which is VERY fucking good news, and I'm changing, growing, maturing, which is making me be more pushy to get what I both want and DESERVE. In time, I hope to be super confident about myself and my abilities and push relentlessly for the things I want, need, and deserve WITHOUT feeling guilty or strange about it. In time, I'm sure I'll eventually get to that point, but for now, I'm just gonna do my best, as always, and... hopefully things work out. If they don't, I can always lash out some more rather than burying myself into a hole of massive depression. We shall see...

Anything else? Probably not. I got some good stuff coming up, so I'm just gonna hope for the best. With a few more shoots under my belt, HOPEFULLY getting myself a kickass camera of my own, and a few other good things (which hopefully can earn me some CASH!!!) then things should REALLY be looking up and MAY end up better than I was BEFORE everything went to shit, and REALLY hopefully better than I've ever been in my life. *crosses fingers*

My Failures

Every single year, whenever the weather changes from generally "warm" to generally "cold" such as spring and fall, mostly around April and October, I almost always get bad allergy crap. Today was the first day of that, I believe, unless I'm getting sick, which I PRAY I'm not, as this is the night before my birthday, and being sick on my birthday would suck, ESPECIALLY on top of all the bullshit lately.

I don't ever recall being "sick" on my birthday, so that's good, but unfortunately, maybe my "good luck" (me? good luck? HA!) has run out. If so, whatever, I can always do shit another day, as nothing is "set in stone" but it'll still suck in principle. I'm just hoping it's plain-old allergy crap so I'll just have to blow my nose a few times for a few days and be "okay" in no time.

I'm obviously discussing this, my nose problem that I've been dealing with today, cuz I... don't know what else to write about. Been a pretty normal day, aka boring and PRETTY much pointless, as almost nothing "constructive" took place, which is what I usually do anymore. I wanted to write some cool story-thing about a "sickness" but maybe I can do that later, as I don't really feel like it right now. I just know that I gotta keep my streak going and I'm not gonna skip a day cuz "I don't feel good." I'm good enough to type, so I'm good enough to blog.

Hopefully tomorrow's a fun day, as it'll be the first day in a long, LONG time where I honestly don't give a shit about spending any money. If I'm gonna have a day where I have fun and spend a little money to do so, then my birthday it is, so I really don't care. I've been miserable and not doing ANYTHING lately, so I deserve this, aka "fuck it".

Other than my nose problems today, I'm feeling my little bit of "drive" lately slipping away, back to "normalcy". LOTS of waiting on LOTS of things that aren't anywhere near "concrete" so yeah, it sucks ass. I just fucking HATE when I try to so something, and it fails. I barely ever "try" so when I do, why the FUCK does it have to FAIL 99% of the time, and it's not even MY fucking fault! I call someone, and they don't pick up the phone. I message someone, and they read it, but never bother to message me back, even when I ask for something SPECIFIC that I need to be answered. Someone sets something up with me, and then cancels, or "something comes up" or "they're busy" or whatever else. Either way, almost no matter what I do, things seem to fail, and it bothers me most that it isn't MY failure, but all because of someone else.

Now, this is the point where I theoretically should go "well, fuck people then, they're unreliable, they let me down, so don't depend on them" but in this world, you MUST rely on people! That's the whole goddamn point! If everyone could live on their COMPLETE own, there would be no reason for families, for friends, for bosses, co-workers, lovers, or anything else. Relationships in general would be pointless.

Human beings thrive, I believe, because we rely on one another to help us in ways that we can't do on our own. You can't teach yourself to be a good person. Your family raises you to do that. You can't comfort yourself when you're feeling down. That's what friends are for. You can't give yourself a job and pay yourself for everything you need. That's what bosses are for. You can't do ALL portions of your job completely by yourself, and that's what co-workers are for. And you can't have sex with yourself (well, not REAL sex, anyway) so that's where lovers come in. There are a MILLION different relationships in this world, and they are all important in their own ways, which is why I, like EVERYBODY, MUST rely on others for many, many things. And that is why, as usual, I'm fucked.

I'm not exactly sure why, or what it is about me, but apparently I'm not important enough, or people don't care enough, or people are too "busy" ALL the fucking time, or SOMETHING, but people don't bother to help me out the VAST majority of the time. I try, and try, and try, I put myself out there, I contact people, I leave messages, call every now and then, and I get only the TINIEST percentage of effort returned. I just don't understand how someone can get an important message from someone, ESPECIALLY someone they care about, like a friend or whatever, and not even bother to respond back, like... at all. They read it, and then for SOME reason, they just never bother to contact the person back.

Maybe it's just me, but either way, it drives me FUCKING INSANE. That is SO shitty and after I BARELY ever put out the effort to contact people, when I FINALLY fucking do, they DON'T BOTHER RESPONDING BACK? SERIOUSLY? When it takes a couple minutes TOPS to write back and answer some simple fucking questions or issues or whatever, WHY THE FUCK NOT? I'm not asking for a goddamn "article" or "novel" back, just a minute or two of their PRECIOUS time to respond back about shit that's important enough for me to go OUT OF MY WAY to contact them about. I just don't get it...

And wow, that went off on a rant. Good times. This probably won't be the LAST time I bitch about being ignored, but I certainly fucking hope it is, cuz I'm not sure how much more I can take. :(

My Realization

Well, it wasn't quite ME who originally came up with this realization, but it's very valid no less. I kinda already knew, deep down, I think, but not until I heard SOMEONE ELSE say it did I realize how true it was.

I am a student. School is where I succeed, excel, and most of all, belong. Years back, I was discussing school with my grandma when she asked if I missed it. Thinking about it only for a moment, I agreed I did, and today, hearing that ever since I finished school two years ago I've been lost and directionless, I realized that was totally true.

I've always been good in school. I get good grades, I pay attention damn well, and I've aced more tests than I can count. I've almost ALWAYS been the best student in all my classes, unless I either didn't care about the subject, or someone else was an ass kisser or OVERDID it. I've always been known as the smart kid, the one who does best on the tests, who doesn't have to study very much to ace all the exams and I do all my homework PRETTY easily and with little effort, minus all the time it took. I've just always been good in school.

The problem is, when I got OUT of school, while MOST people generally AREN'T so good at school, but then excel OUTSIDE of it, I was pretty much fucked after my final graduation two years back. I never learned how to really go out there and GET that job I worked my butt off, so to speak, and learned all that crap in school for. It was like my focus was the learning and the schooling, rather than what happens AFTER school is over. I wasn't working hard for some end goal, really, but enjoying the learning process along the way. Now I'm a student, out of school, so out of the environment where I excel, so yeah, bad times.

When I graduated, I wasn't really happy, I now remember. It sucked losing all my new friends, those I'd spent the last two years with, and it sucked the graduation before THAT one too, losing all of THOSE friends I'd spent the previous two years with. I was at ITT for four years, and I really, REALLY enjoyed my time there, even though the schooling generally sucked, minus a few awesome teachers who went above and beyond what the books told them to teach us and actually gave us real-world knowledge, cuz the entire experience was just so... easy and felt like it was meant to be.

Through high school, I never had any REAL goals for what I was gonna do after I graduated, but when they built an ITT Tech just down the road from my house, it was just... perfect. I was the first student to sign up, from what I recall, and I was pretty much the BEST damn student they had for their first four years. I watched the school grow from like two sets of students into MANY students, along with the building itself growing, and since then, has grown even further. Anyway, I learned a lot, and enjoyed my time there, but unfortunately, the degrees didn't mean shit and now I'm like $60,000+ into debt thanks to school loans (fuckin' Sallie Mae...) Awesome. Just awesome...

I don't think I would have done anything any differently had I known anyway, cuz I did enjoy it, met some good people, one of which I still work with now as we're both busting our asses every single fucking day to make ourselves successful and HOPEFULLY earn a bunch of cash in the process, to both pay off our loans and fulfill some other interests along the way.

So yeah, I'm a student at heart, I guess, so now being in the "real world" and ALSO having the economy suck fucking ass, especially here in shitty Michigan, things suck. I do miss school, I realize, and badly, and if I could go back, I probably would. I just love the entire experience of school, no matter how hard the classes, whatever the content we're learning, or whatever. School is fun, and most of all, it was one of the ONLY places where I had regular positive attention, both in my grades, my hard work, and just being smart in general.

Nowadays, seemingly no matter WHAT I do, no matter how hard I bust my ass, almost no one seems to care. It can be my writing, my photography, or anything else, really, and people just don't give a fuck, and that's sad. Really, REALLY sad. I'm now in the "real world" and apparently in the "real world" people just don't care.

That's enough for today. Time to read and forget about the "real world" for a while, cuz yeah, it sucks.