Let's just say I'm really tired so I'm not gonna "go off" as usual. Probably gonna keep this short and sweet, even though I want ALL of my blogs to have "substance" and "meaning". I'll probably just say I had a good birthday, even though I feared that turning 25 would make me upset, knowing that I've had SO little experience in my life by this point. I still don't feel GREAT about that, but I think, for ONCE, I'm gonna look on the bright side and just say that it's good I'm gonna deal with things now that I'm older and ready, rather than dealing with them when I was younger and NOT. Plus while I still have a BUNCH of new things to discover, many people at my age don't, and are more ready to get married, "settle down" and have families and shit, while I'm JUST really getting started with the rest of my life and I'm far, FAR off from what most mid-20s people are thinking about. So really, again, looking on the bright side, and that's good, no, VERY good for me.
Besides that, I was glad to hear from so many of my friends, new and old, wishing me a happy birthday. I had a few surprises, both good and bad, but all in all, a good day. Things are still slowly rolling along, which is VERY fucking good news, and I'm changing, growing, maturing, which is making me be more pushy to get what I both want and DESERVE. In time, I hope to be super confident about myself and my abilities and push relentlessly for the things I want, need, and deserve WITHOUT feeling guilty or strange about it. In time, I'm sure I'll eventually get to that point, but for now, I'm just gonna do my best, as always, and... hopefully things work out. If they don't, I can always lash out some more rather than burying myself into a hole of massive depression. We shall see...
Anything else? Probably not. I got some good stuff coming up, so I'm just gonna hope for the best. With a few more shoots under my belt, HOPEFULLY getting myself a kickass camera of my own, and a few other good things (which hopefully can earn me some CASH!!!) then things should REALLY be looking up and MAY end up better than I was BEFORE everything went to shit, and REALLY hopefully better than I've ever been in my life. *crosses fingers*
Friday, October 3, 2008
Thursday, October 2, 2008
My Failures
Every single year, whenever the weather changes from generally "warm" to generally "cold" such as spring and fall, mostly around April and October, I almost always get bad allergy crap. Today was the first day of that, I believe, unless I'm getting sick, which I PRAY I'm not, as this is the night before my birthday, and being sick on my birthday would suck, ESPECIALLY on top of all the bullshit lately.
I don't ever recall being "sick" on my birthday, so that's good, but unfortunately, maybe my "good luck" (me? good luck? HA!) has run out. If so, whatever, I can always do shit another day, as nothing is "set in stone" but it'll still suck in principle. I'm just hoping it's plain-old allergy crap so I'll just have to blow my nose a few times for a few days and be "okay" in no time.
I'm obviously discussing this, my nose problem that I've been dealing with today, cuz I... don't know what else to write about. Been a pretty normal day, aka boring and PRETTY much pointless, as almost nothing "constructive" took place, which is what I usually do anymore. I wanted to write some cool story-thing about a "sickness" but maybe I can do that later, as I don't really feel like it right now. I just know that I gotta keep my streak going and I'm not gonna skip a day cuz "I don't feel good." I'm good enough to type, so I'm good enough to blog.
Hopefully tomorrow's a fun day, as it'll be the first day in a long, LONG time where I honestly don't give a shit about spending any money. If I'm gonna have a day where I have fun and spend a little money to do so, then my birthday it is, so I really don't care. I've been miserable and not doing ANYTHING lately, so I deserve this, aka "fuck it".
Other than my nose problems today, I'm feeling my little bit of "drive" lately slipping away, back to "normalcy". LOTS of waiting on LOTS of things that aren't anywhere near "concrete" so yeah, it sucks ass. I just fucking HATE when I try to so something, and it fails. I barely ever "try" so when I do, why the FUCK does it have to FAIL 99% of the time, and it's not even MY fucking fault! I call someone, and they don't pick up the phone. I message someone, and they read it, but never bother to message me back, even when I ask for something SPECIFIC that I need to be answered. Someone sets something up with me, and then cancels, or "something comes up" or "they're busy" or whatever else. Either way, almost no matter what I do, things seem to fail, and it bothers me most that it isn't MY failure, but all because of someone else.
Now, this is the point where I theoretically should go "well, fuck people then, they're unreliable, they let me down, so don't depend on them" but in this world, you MUST rely on people! That's the whole goddamn point! If everyone could live on their COMPLETE own, there would be no reason for families, for friends, for bosses, co-workers, lovers, or anything else. Relationships in general would be pointless.
Human beings thrive, I believe, because we rely on one another to help us in ways that we can't do on our own. You can't teach yourself to be a good person. Your family raises you to do that. You can't comfort yourself when you're feeling down. That's what friends are for. You can't give yourself a job and pay yourself for everything you need. That's what bosses are for. You can't do ALL portions of your job completely by yourself, and that's what co-workers are for. And you can't have sex with yourself (well, not REAL sex, anyway) so that's where lovers come in. There are a MILLION different relationships in this world, and they are all important in their own ways, which is why I, like EVERYBODY, MUST rely on others for many, many things. And that is why, as usual, I'm fucked.
I'm not exactly sure why, or what it is about me, but apparently I'm not important enough, or people don't care enough, or people are too "busy" ALL the fucking time, or SOMETHING, but people don't bother to help me out the VAST majority of the time. I try, and try, and try, I put myself out there, I contact people, I leave messages, call every now and then, and I get only the TINIEST percentage of effort returned. I just don't understand how someone can get an important message from someone, ESPECIALLY someone they care about, like a friend or whatever, and not even bother to respond back, like... at all. They read it, and then for SOME reason, they just never bother to contact the person back.
Maybe it's just me, but either way, it drives me FUCKING INSANE. That is SO shitty and after I BARELY ever put out the effort to contact people, when I FINALLY fucking do, they DON'T BOTHER RESPONDING BACK? SERIOUSLY? When it takes a couple minutes TOPS to write back and answer some simple fucking questions or issues or whatever, WHY THE FUCK NOT? I'm not asking for a goddamn "article" or "novel" back, just a minute or two of their PRECIOUS time to respond back about shit that's important enough for me to go OUT OF MY WAY to contact them about. I just don't get it...
And wow, that went off on a rant. Good times. This probably won't be the LAST time I bitch about being ignored, but I certainly fucking hope it is, cuz I'm not sure how much more I can take. :(
I don't ever recall being "sick" on my birthday, so that's good, but unfortunately, maybe my "good luck" (me? good luck? HA!) has run out. If so, whatever, I can always do shit another day, as nothing is "set in stone" but it'll still suck in principle. I'm just hoping it's plain-old allergy crap so I'll just have to blow my nose a few times for a few days and be "okay" in no time.
I'm obviously discussing this, my nose problem that I've been dealing with today, cuz I... don't know what else to write about. Been a pretty normal day, aka boring and PRETTY much pointless, as almost nothing "constructive" took place, which is what I usually do anymore. I wanted to write some cool story-thing about a "sickness" but maybe I can do that later, as I don't really feel like it right now. I just know that I gotta keep my streak going and I'm not gonna skip a day cuz "I don't feel good." I'm good enough to type, so I'm good enough to blog.
Hopefully tomorrow's a fun day, as it'll be the first day in a long, LONG time where I honestly don't give a shit about spending any money. If I'm gonna have a day where I have fun and spend a little money to do so, then my birthday it is, so I really don't care. I've been miserable and not doing ANYTHING lately, so I deserve this, aka "fuck it".
Other than my nose problems today, I'm feeling my little bit of "drive" lately slipping away, back to "normalcy". LOTS of waiting on LOTS of things that aren't anywhere near "concrete" so yeah, it sucks ass. I just fucking HATE when I try to so something, and it fails. I barely ever "try" so when I do, why the FUCK does it have to FAIL 99% of the time, and it's not even MY fucking fault! I call someone, and they don't pick up the phone. I message someone, and they read it, but never bother to message me back, even when I ask for something SPECIFIC that I need to be answered. Someone sets something up with me, and then cancels, or "something comes up" or "they're busy" or whatever else. Either way, almost no matter what I do, things seem to fail, and it bothers me most that it isn't MY failure, but all because of someone else.
Now, this is the point where I theoretically should go "well, fuck people then, they're unreliable, they let me down, so don't depend on them" but in this world, you MUST rely on people! That's the whole goddamn point! If everyone could live on their COMPLETE own, there would be no reason for families, for friends, for bosses, co-workers, lovers, or anything else. Relationships in general would be pointless.
Human beings thrive, I believe, because we rely on one another to help us in ways that we can't do on our own. You can't teach yourself to be a good person. Your family raises you to do that. You can't comfort yourself when you're feeling down. That's what friends are for. You can't give yourself a job and pay yourself for everything you need. That's what bosses are for. You can't do ALL portions of your job completely by yourself, and that's what co-workers are for. And you can't have sex with yourself (well, not REAL sex, anyway) so that's where lovers come in. There are a MILLION different relationships in this world, and they are all important in their own ways, which is why I, like EVERYBODY, MUST rely on others for many, many things. And that is why, as usual, I'm fucked.
I'm not exactly sure why, or what it is about me, but apparently I'm not important enough, or people don't care enough, or people are too "busy" ALL the fucking time, or SOMETHING, but people don't bother to help me out the VAST majority of the time. I try, and try, and try, I put myself out there, I contact people, I leave messages, call every now and then, and I get only the TINIEST percentage of effort returned. I just don't understand how someone can get an important message from someone, ESPECIALLY someone they care about, like a friend or whatever, and not even bother to respond back, like... at all. They read it, and then for SOME reason, they just never bother to contact the person back.
Maybe it's just me, but either way, it drives me FUCKING INSANE. That is SO shitty and after I BARELY ever put out the effort to contact people, when I FINALLY fucking do, they DON'T BOTHER RESPONDING BACK? SERIOUSLY? When it takes a couple minutes TOPS to write back and answer some simple fucking questions or issues or whatever, WHY THE FUCK NOT? I'm not asking for a goddamn "article" or "novel" back, just a minute or two of their PRECIOUS time to respond back about shit that's important enough for me to go OUT OF MY WAY to contact them about. I just don't get it...
And wow, that went off on a rant. Good times. This probably won't be the LAST time I bitch about being ignored, but I certainly fucking hope it is, cuz I'm not sure how much more I can take. :(
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
My Realization
Well, it wasn't quite ME who originally came up with this realization, but it's very valid no less. I kinda already knew, deep down, I think, but not until I heard SOMEONE ELSE say it did I realize how true it was.
I am a student. School is where I succeed, excel, and most of all, belong. Years back, I was discussing school with my grandma when she asked if I missed it. Thinking about it only for a moment, I agreed I did, and today, hearing that ever since I finished school two years ago I've been lost and directionless, I realized that was totally true.
I've always been good in school. I get good grades, I pay attention damn well, and I've aced more tests than I can count. I've almost ALWAYS been the best student in all my classes, unless I either didn't care about the subject, or someone else was an ass kisser or OVERDID it. I've always been known as the smart kid, the one who does best on the tests, who doesn't have to study very much to ace all the exams and I do all my homework PRETTY easily and with little effort, minus all the time it took. I've just always been good in school.
The problem is, when I got OUT of school, while MOST people generally AREN'T so good at school, but then excel OUTSIDE of it, I was pretty much fucked after my final graduation two years back. I never learned how to really go out there and GET that job I worked my butt off, so to speak, and learned all that crap in school for. It was like my focus was the learning and the schooling, rather than what happens AFTER school is over. I wasn't working hard for some end goal, really, but enjoying the learning process along the way. Now I'm a student, out of school, so out of the environment where I excel, so yeah, bad times.
When I graduated, I wasn't really happy, I now remember. It sucked losing all my new friends, those I'd spent the last two years with, and it sucked the graduation before THAT one too, losing all of THOSE friends I'd spent the previous two years with. I was at ITT for four years, and I really, REALLY enjoyed my time there, even though the schooling generally sucked, minus a few awesome teachers who went above and beyond what the books told them to teach us and actually gave us real-world knowledge, cuz the entire experience was just so... easy and felt like it was meant to be.
Through high school, I never had any REAL goals for what I was gonna do after I graduated, but when they built an ITT Tech just down the road from my house, it was just... perfect. I was the first student to sign up, from what I recall, and I was pretty much the BEST damn student they had for their first four years. I watched the school grow from like two sets of students into MANY students, along with the building itself growing, and since then, has grown even further. Anyway, I learned a lot, and enjoyed my time there, but unfortunately, the degrees didn't mean shit and now I'm like $60,000+ into debt thanks to school loans (fuckin' Sallie Mae...) Awesome. Just awesome...
I don't think I would have done anything any differently had I known anyway, cuz I did enjoy it, met some good people, one of which I still work with now as we're both busting our asses every single fucking day to make ourselves successful and HOPEFULLY earn a bunch of cash in the process, to both pay off our loans and fulfill some other interests along the way.
So yeah, I'm a student at heart, I guess, so now being in the "real world" and ALSO having the economy suck fucking ass, especially here in shitty Michigan, things suck. I do miss school, I realize, and badly, and if I could go back, I probably would. I just love the entire experience of school, no matter how hard the classes, whatever the content we're learning, or whatever. School is fun, and most of all, it was one of the ONLY places where I had regular positive attention, both in my grades, my hard work, and just being smart in general.
Nowadays, seemingly no matter WHAT I do, no matter how hard I bust my ass, almost no one seems to care. It can be my writing, my photography, or anything else, really, and people just don't give a fuck, and that's sad. Really, REALLY sad. I'm now in the "real world" and apparently in the "real world" people just don't care.
That's enough for today. Time to read and forget about the "real world" for a while, cuz yeah, it sucks.
I am a student. School is where I succeed, excel, and most of all, belong. Years back, I was discussing school with my grandma when she asked if I missed it. Thinking about it only for a moment, I agreed I did, and today, hearing that ever since I finished school two years ago I've been lost and directionless, I realized that was totally true.
I've always been good in school. I get good grades, I pay attention damn well, and I've aced more tests than I can count. I've almost ALWAYS been the best student in all my classes, unless I either didn't care about the subject, or someone else was an ass kisser or OVERDID it. I've always been known as the smart kid, the one who does best on the tests, who doesn't have to study very much to ace all the exams and I do all my homework PRETTY easily and with little effort, minus all the time it took. I've just always been good in school.
The problem is, when I got OUT of school, while MOST people generally AREN'T so good at school, but then excel OUTSIDE of it, I was pretty much fucked after my final graduation two years back. I never learned how to really go out there and GET that job I worked my butt off, so to speak, and learned all that crap in school for. It was like my focus was the learning and the schooling, rather than what happens AFTER school is over. I wasn't working hard for some end goal, really, but enjoying the learning process along the way. Now I'm a student, out of school, so out of the environment where I excel, so yeah, bad times.
When I graduated, I wasn't really happy, I now remember. It sucked losing all my new friends, those I'd spent the last two years with, and it sucked the graduation before THAT one too, losing all of THOSE friends I'd spent the previous two years with. I was at ITT for four years, and I really, REALLY enjoyed my time there, even though the schooling generally sucked, minus a few awesome teachers who went above and beyond what the books told them to teach us and actually gave us real-world knowledge, cuz the entire experience was just so... easy and felt like it was meant to be.
Through high school, I never had any REAL goals for what I was gonna do after I graduated, but when they built an ITT Tech just down the road from my house, it was just... perfect. I was the first student to sign up, from what I recall, and I was pretty much the BEST damn student they had for their first four years. I watched the school grow from like two sets of students into MANY students, along with the building itself growing, and since then, has grown even further. Anyway, I learned a lot, and enjoyed my time there, but unfortunately, the degrees didn't mean shit and now I'm like $60,000+ into debt thanks to school loans (fuckin' Sallie Mae...) Awesome. Just awesome...
I don't think I would have done anything any differently had I known anyway, cuz I did enjoy it, met some good people, one of which I still work with now as we're both busting our asses every single fucking day to make ourselves successful and HOPEFULLY earn a bunch of cash in the process, to both pay off our loans and fulfill some other interests along the way.
So yeah, I'm a student at heart, I guess, so now being in the "real world" and ALSO having the economy suck fucking ass, especially here in shitty Michigan, things suck. I do miss school, I realize, and badly, and if I could go back, I probably would. I just love the entire experience of school, no matter how hard the classes, whatever the content we're learning, or whatever. School is fun, and most of all, it was one of the ONLY places where I had regular positive attention, both in my grades, my hard work, and just being smart in general.
Nowadays, seemingly no matter WHAT I do, no matter how hard I bust my ass, almost no one seems to care. It can be my writing, my photography, or anything else, really, and people just don't give a fuck, and that's sad. Really, REALLY sad. I'm now in the "real world" and apparently in the "real world" people just don't care.
That's enough for today. Time to read and forget about the "real world" for a while, cuz yeah, it sucks.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
My Wonderings
Lately I've kinda wondered about something, even though it's probably something that's been deep down inside of me for a long time. I wonder if anyone will ever be as interested in me as I am interested in them. Numerous times in my life have I met people who draw my attention, whether it be a guy, girl, friend, stranger, or otherwise. In my spare time (of which I have a lot of it, sadly) I will maybe think about them, wonder about what they're doing, if they're having fun, or they're upset, or whatever they're feeling at that very moment, just randomly.
With the invention of the Internet comes even more to do besides simply THINK about people, but to check out their websites, their blogs, photos, and tons of other crap people post from their personal, and not so personal lives. Again, when I'm bored, I'll roam around sometimes, see things, read things, and kinda "learn" things about people, and it's all very interesting to get a little look into their lives.
Anywhore, while I don't do it TOO often, but once in a while, I'm just curious if anyone is ever that interested in me. I wonder if people ever randomly go to MY websites, web pages, photos, blogs, writings, posts, bulletins, and all the other crap I post online, and just see it, read it, and "learn" things about me. I wonder if people are interested at all, or am I completely on my own in the way I am, and in HOW many ways am I completely unique from others? Is the rest of the world made up of people who just post things and then wait for others to be interested in them, or does it go the other way?
Has anyone ever, for example, read any of my blogs that I've posted through the years, about various things, and thought differently about me after they read it than compared to before that point? Have they thought better of me? Worse? Do they appreciate me more, or less? Do they ever feel like they know me better having read it, than as compared to never reading it in the first place? Is posting blogs or photos or anything REALLY worth it at all? I mean, if no one checks them out, if it affects nothing, and if it's not ENTIRELY to entertain myself, then yes, theoretically, if no one cares, then it's a huge waste of my time. And yes, I have LOTS of time, but that still doesn't mean I should waste it all away with crap that doesn't matter.
Those are just some things I wonder to myself, and over the years, I still haven't figured out an answer. Here and there I get responses to things I post, but the VAST majority of the time, I don't. And I never really get any REALLY positive responses from things, even though I feel I post some worthwhile things, at least some of the time. Even this blog is, well, so far, PURELY for me, but eventually, sure, I'd like people to know about it, to read it, to enjoy kinda "getting in my head" a bit. I feel I'm a very interesting person, and people SHOULD be interested in me, so if they're not, is that my fault, or theirs?
As I've said in the past, for example, you can be the MOST confident person in the world, but if no one knows of your talents, if you have no way to showcase your skills and abilities, does your confidence even matter at all? The best musician in the world is nothing without an audience to KNOW his greatness. Same for anything else in this world, so even if I AM a great writer, or even if I DO take great photographs, or if I AM a great person, caring, understanding, considerate, reasonable, fair, and TONS of other good things, does it really matter if almost no one acknowledges those things about me? Or hell, even barely acknowledges me at all? I already have low enough self-esteem as it is, so when people make me feel invisible, that's the LAST thing I need.
Well, I don't want this "wondering" blog to roam into a "bitching" blog, but yeah, again, those are just some of the MANY things I wonder not only about myself, but about the world. Most of all, I wonder if I'll ever meet anyone who will TRULY understand me as a person. Who will respect me, appreciate me, and for everything, from my physical appearance all the way down to my "soul". Now yes, I'm more refering to a "girl" than anything, but people in general who would understand and accept me, and LIKE me a lot, consider me an important person in their life, that would be GREAT too, but yeah... mostly the girl thing, lol
So far, I don't really think I've met any girl who's even CLOSE to that "magickal" girl that's the "right one" for me out there, or maybe I have, but just don't realize it, or haven't spent enough time with her, or a MILLION other reasons. I really don't know much, as I'm still almost like a child when it comes to the "opposite sex", but I'm just hoping I CAN meet some girl, some great girl, sweet, kind, pretty, and MOST of all, ACTUALLY cares about me, truly, deeply, and really inspires me to be the best version of myself that I can possibly be. Maybe that'll be at least ONE of the "keys" for me to be "happy", and not just temporarily, like after watching a good movie, eating some good food, or... other crap.
End of ramble, and maybe I'll post some more wonderings next time, cuz I've honestly been having a hard time thinking of things to write about each evening before bed. I'm just hoping it gets easier as I get more into the "groove" of it. Til then...
With the invention of the Internet comes even more to do besides simply THINK about people, but to check out their websites, their blogs, photos, and tons of other crap people post from their personal, and not so personal lives. Again, when I'm bored, I'll roam around sometimes, see things, read things, and kinda "learn" things about people, and it's all very interesting to get a little look into their lives.
Anywhore, while I don't do it TOO often, but once in a while, I'm just curious if anyone is ever that interested in me. I wonder if people ever randomly go to MY websites, web pages, photos, blogs, writings, posts, bulletins, and all the other crap I post online, and just see it, read it, and "learn" things about me. I wonder if people are interested at all, or am I completely on my own in the way I am, and in HOW many ways am I completely unique from others? Is the rest of the world made up of people who just post things and then wait for others to be interested in them, or does it go the other way?
Has anyone ever, for example, read any of my blogs that I've posted through the years, about various things, and thought differently about me after they read it than compared to before that point? Have they thought better of me? Worse? Do they appreciate me more, or less? Do they ever feel like they know me better having read it, than as compared to never reading it in the first place? Is posting blogs or photos or anything REALLY worth it at all? I mean, if no one checks them out, if it affects nothing, and if it's not ENTIRELY to entertain myself, then yes, theoretically, if no one cares, then it's a huge waste of my time. And yes, I have LOTS of time, but that still doesn't mean I should waste it all away with crap that doesn't matter.
Those are just some things I wonder to myself, and over the years, I still haven't figured out an answer. Here and there I get responses to things I post, but the VAST majority of the time, I don't. And I never really get any REALLY positive responses from things, even though I feel I post some worthwhile things, at least some of the time. Even this blog is, well, so far, PURELY for me, but eventually, sure, I'd like people to know about it, to read it, to enjoy kinda "getting in my head" a bit. I feel I'm a very interesting person, and people SHOULD be interested in me, so if they're not, is that my fault, or theirs?
As I've said in the past, for example, you can be the MOST confident person in the world, but if no one knows of your talents, if you have no way to showcase your skills and abilities, does your confidence even matter at all? The best musician in the world is nothing without an audience to KNOW his greatness. Same for anything else in this world, so even if I AM a great writer, or even if I DO take great photographs, or if I AM a great person, caring, understanding, considerate, reasonable, fair, and TONS of other good things, does it really matter if almost no one acknowledges those things about me? Or hell, even barely acknowledges me at all? I already have low enough self-esteem as it is, so when people make me feel invisible, that's the LAST thing I need.
Well, I don't want this "wondering" blog to roam into a "bitching" blog, but yeah, again, those are just some of the MANY things I wonder not only about myself, but about the world. Most of all, I wonder if I'll ever meet anyone who will TRULY understand me as a person. Who will respect me, appreciate me, and for everything, from my physical appearance all the way down to my "soul". Now yes, I'm more refering to a "girl" than anything, but people in general who would understand and accept me, and LIKE me a lot, consider me an important person in their life, that would be GREAT too, but yeah... mostly the girl thing, lol
So far, I don't really think I've met any girl who's even CLOSE to that "magickal" girl that's the "right one" for me out there, or maybe I have, but just don't realize it, or haven't spent enough time with her, or a MILLION other reasons. I really don't know much, as I'm still almost like a child when it comes to the "opposite sex", but I'm just hoping I CAN meet some girl, some great girl, sweet, kind, pretty, and MOST of all, ACTUALLY cares about me, truly, deeply, and really inspires me to be the best version of myself that I can possibly be. Maybe that'll be at least ONE of the "keys" for me to be "happy", and not just temporarily, like after watching a good movie, eating some good food, or... other crap.
End of ramble, and maybe I'll post some more wonderings next time, cuz I've honestly been having a hard time thinking of things to write about each evening before bed. I'm just hoping it gets easier as I get more into the "groove" of it. Til then...
Monday, September 29, 2008
My Good Day
I had a good day today. Very productive and I think definitely one of those "first days of the rest of your life". Not necessarily THE first day, but one of them. I do feel like things are moving forward again after all the bad luck lately. I know how good doing photography makes me feel, so I'm going to keep doing it as much as I can and hopefully get better and better and better, and hopefully regularly.
Photography makes me feel better about myself, and directly, than I think I've ever experienced from anything. My story has always given me hope, kinda pushed me to think of different things, to express myself in a new way, my hopes and dreams and stuff, and basically how I would make things go if I had control of my own fantasy world. My story has been a huge part of my life for the last ten or more years, and will probably ALWAYS be important to me, but I now realize that until they're published, my books, I should say, they won't be relevant to anything, really. People can't care until they read it, and they're NOT gonna read it til it's published. No biggie. Whatever. I could give a shit anymore, cuz when they ARE published, they're gonna be great, and all those IDIOTS who didn't read it before will be regretting it in the long run.
Anyway, photography lets me DIRECTLY talk to people, especially attractive girls, which has always been a slightly awkward and VERY RARE thing for me. It also puts me in control of a situation where I work hard and push myself to come up with a creatively well-done final product, aka photos. I keep getting better at it, every single time I shoot, and the more and more I do Photoshop, I'm improving in that too, so good times both ways. Basically, the more I shoot, the more confident I get in my own abilities, and in myself in general. I'm discovering that photography is letting me grow as a person, and probably replacing all those "normal" years and experiences I SHOULD have had in high school or even college. It's pushing me to... well... PUSH other people, and just push for things in general that I want SO badly. It makes me persistant to get what I want and be a real "adult" by scheduling stuff and setting up things and all that crap that goes with "modeling". It's tough, ESPECIALLY for me, but I'm learning, and growing, and if I grow as much in 2009 as I have in 2008, or even MORE, good lord, things should be VERY good and HOPEFULLY I'll be really, really happy. Here's hoping...
Anyway, yeah, I love photography and I'm going to keep pushing and striving to get great at it so I can not only be happy and confident in my own abilities, but ALSO impress other people and FINALLY get the appreciation and compliments that I've deserved and needed for many, many years. Again, here's hoping...
Photography makes me feel better about myself, and directly, than I think I've ever experienced from anything. My story has always given me hope, kinda pushed me to think of different things, to express myself in a new way, my hopes and dreams and stuff, and basically how I would make things go if I had control of my own fantasy world. My story has been a huge part of my life for the last ten or more years, and will probably ALWAYS be important to me, but I now realize that until they're published, my books, I should say, they won't be relevant to anything, really. People can't care until they read it, and they're NOT gonna read it til it's published. No biggie. Whatever. I could give a shit anymore, cuz when they ARE published, they're gonna be great, and all those IDIOTS who didn't read it before will be regretting it in the long run.
Anyway, photography lets me DIRECTLY talk to people, especially attractive girls, which has always been a slightly awkward and VERY RARE thing for me. It also puts me in control of a situation where I work hard and push myself to come up with a creatively well-done final product, aka photos. I keep getting better at it, every single time I shoot, and the more and more I do Photoshop, I'm improving in that too, so good times both ways. Basically, the more I shoot, the more confident I get in my own abilities, and in myself in general. I'm discovering that photography is letting me grow as a person, and probably replacing all those "normal" years and experiences I SHOULD have had in high school or even college. It's pushing me to... well... PUSH other people, and just push for things in general that I want SO badly. It makes me persistant to get what I want and be a real "adult" by scheduling stuff and setting up things and all that crap that goes with "modeling". It's tough, ESPECIALLY for me, but I'm learning, and growing, and if I grow as much in 2009 as I have in 2008, or even MORE, good lord, things should be VERY good and HOPEFULLY I'll be really, really happy. Here's hoping...
Anyway, yeah, I love photography and I'm going to keep pushing and striving to get great at it so I can not only be happy and confident in my own abilities, but ALSO impress other people and FINALLY get the appreciation and compliments that I've deserved and needed for many, many years. Again, here's hoping...
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