My Darkness

He was surrounded in darkness. No matter where he looked, there was no light to speak of. He blinked his eyes, over and over and over, but there was no difference whether his eyes were open or closed. In fact, he felt a tad better with them closed, knowing that it was supposed to be that dark with them not open to the outside world. Looking out onto the darkness, all that emptyness, he was very afraid. He trembled, trying to remain calm, to stay focused on figuring out where he was, what had happened, and what was going on.

"Hello?" he called out, his voice vanishing into the abyss around him. "Can anyone hear me? Is anyone out there!?"

He moved forward in the dark, reaching his hands out, but there was nothing there. He breathed heavily, his lungs sucking air into his body, but he was growing more and more fearful by the moment. He moved his hands all around him, trying to feel anything, but was in a completely empty space. He gasped for air, feeling as if he was suffocating, even though there was plenty of air around him at the moment. He clenched his hands, trying to stop them from shaking, but he felt like the darkness, the emptyness, it was consuming him.

He cried out, "Hello!? Please! Someone answer me!"

He moved forward again, still reaching out, hoping to touch something... anything, but no. He reached and reached, stretching out his arms, his hands, but there was nothing around him as he felt the darkness filling his body. He kept moving, going faster and faster, until he broke out in a full run, dashing through the dark in utter desperation and horror.

"Somebody! Anybody! Help me!!!" he screamed, his legs shaking as he ran, nearly causing him to fall down.

He ran and ran and ran until his lungs burned, his legs were weak, and he stopped, barely able to keep himself standing. He turned around, his eyes searching the abyss, but finding nothing but the dark. Darkness all around him, surrounding him, and now consuming him. He felt alone, abandoned, and utterly hopeless.

"Help me, please..." he pleaded to the nothingness, praying that someone, something, would answer him. He spun around and around, hoping something would happen, hoping the darkness would go away, but it was constant, almost growing darker and more menacing to him, sapping away all of his courage and strength. "Please... help me. Somebody help me..."

His legs buckled beneath him, taking him down. He sat there, full of fear, terror, horror, as he glanced around, searching for any kind of light at all. He searched and searched, trembling, wrapping his arms around his legs to hold himself, trying to keep in whatever courage he had left inside of him. He focused his breath, trying to keep calm, keep it steady, in and out, in and out, but he was just too afraid. The darkness was all around, it was consuming him to the core, and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

"Mother... Father... Papa... Mama... Somebody... help me... I beg of you..."

Tears ran down his cheeks as he cried, whispering out to the darkness, praying for anyone to save him. He felt lost, empty, and now completely numb. Realizing he was doomed, he shut his eyes, held himself tightly, and gave in to the darkness, the nothingness, the abyss, and slipped away...

My Trip Home

They sat in the backseat of the car together. The driver's side seat was full of boxes, forcing the boy and girl to scrunch together with him in the middle and her on the passenger's side. At first it was a bit uncomfortable and awkward, but soon enough, they sat quietly together, sharing little glances as the car drove down the road, speeding along.

She whispered to him that she was tired, and was going to take a little nap on the way home. He smiled, nodded, and carefully watched her lay back her head, letting her eyes fall closed. Traveling so fast down the smooth road, hearing the humming of the engine, the vibration of the car itself, it was all very soothing. He looked around for a moment, seeing the sun dip into the horizon just as his eyes came back to her. The sun fell across her face, showing her beauty to him. He knew how gorgeous she was long before that moment, but she looked even moreso in that light. He saw her breathing slowly, knowing she was already asleep, and she'd only just closed her eyes minutes earlier. A smile again came to his face, watching her resting beside him.

He relaxed in his seat, allowing himself to enjoy the rest of the ride home as well. He yawned, putting his hand to his mouth when he felt her shift, then feeling something pressing against his shoulder. He glanced over and saw that she was lying against him, her face so soft and relaxed. Staring at her, she seemed so comfortable... no, comforted, almost, more than he'd ever seen her in his life. It seemed to him as if she was always holding something back when she was awake, but now, she was carefree and... happy. He hoped that it was because she was lying with him, but... nahhh.

Someone in the front opened their window, letting the cool wind rush into the warm car. It hit her face, sending her long, ruby red hair whipping into his eyes, but he didn't care. He breathed deeply, smelling a hint of the aroma of that beautiful hair of hers: Berries. He couldn't tell exactly what type it was supposed to be, but her hair smelled so good, so fresh, and deep down, he knew he'd never forget that smell as long as he lived.

Someone upfront called back at him, asking if the wind was bothering them. He shook his head, feeling her hair gently blowing against him, covering his eyes as he let them close. He lay back, letting his body fully relax as he realized at that very moment there was nowhere else he'd rather be than right there in that backseat with her...

My Thoughts

I'm not really sure what to write today, as my brain seems to be all scrambled and strange at the moment. I seemed to feel GOOD about things for the first time in a few weeks earlier tonight, wanting to push to do constructive work, seriously discussing shoots and plans and stuff, etc. But then, my Internet died RIGHT as Matt and I began to think up good ideas for my Flash site, so that sucked. Then I kinda started watching a movie on Sex Addicts, which was interesting and QUITE odd, but the movie ended with the guy getting over his addiction and meeting this great girl that he married at the end of the movie, so that made me feel good. Then I got back online, the net was FINALLY back, so I started chatting again.

Okay, quick tangent. I wonder why it is that certain words, maybe names, ideas, or whatever, for YEARS kinda pass you by without a thought, like you barely notice, and then SOMETHING changes in your life, and then you can't go a couple hours without spotting it somewhere. I've been having it with a name lately, which was always a cute name, but never really GRABBED me like other names in the past have. Now, it's almost the most ADORABLE name I can think of, and I see it OVER AND OVER AND OVER! Whether it's the name of a character in a movie, a small one, or the MAIN character, or on the billboard in another movie, or even just a random name during the credits, on TV, etc, etc, etc, it just KEEPS popping up, and it's just quite odd to me. Damn me and my stupid brain for now seeing that name ALL over... *shaking head*

I again realized tonight that having a goal to work towards keeps me focused, keeps me at least AIMING at something and feeling productive and generally okay. After hearing about the pretty much "death" of RSM, my future modeling website, I was pretty much as CLOSE as you could get to morbidly depressed without ACTUALLY getting to "morbid". I'm still feeling the effects, and without a REAL target or goal or whatever to aim for, I've been pretty lost. I got a few TINY things that could possibly happen in the next few weeks or months, so I'm gonna wait for those, but in the meantime, I'm pretty fucked, and NOT in the good way. Anyway, to NOT make this another miserably depressed blog, I'm just gonna say that I gotta find some goals to work towards soon, cuz other than that, I'm PRETTY much useless.

Another thing I"d like to mention that I AGAIN realized, or shall I say, already knew, is that I am not complimented very much. I've been told since I was little how "smart" I was, or really how "nice" I was, but I already knew that. I KNOW I'm a nice guy, and I KNOW I'm smart, look at my fucking grades, obviously, and they can tell you FAR more than any person could. I've always been very bright, good at school, with great attention and focus and testing ability and just all that crap that goes with it. So, for THAT part of myself, I'm very confident, and I'm sure I'll NEVER have any issues with lack of self-esteem, but when it comes to my looks, to my relationships with girls, dating, etc, I'm pretty much fucked. I've NEVER been complimented on my looks from any girl, nor have I been called ugly, honestly, but still, nothing positive either. I've never been even CLOSE to anything considered "dating" so I have no confidence or experience there either. So why should anyone be surprised to know that when it comes to MOST things about me outside of my brains or kindness, I'm completely lacking in self-confidence. It shouldn't be shocking at all, so I'm just hoping that SOMEDAY, some angel, some princess will come along, compliment me, like me, care about me, and FINALLY make me feel good about myself, cuz I desperately need it at this point. Nearly twenty-five years old without a shred of REAL self-confidence? Yeah, that's bad.

I'm not sure what else to write for this evening, so I guess I can cut things off right here. I think it's been more positive than bitching, more thinking about my situation in life and analyzing things rather than complaining, so that's good, I say. Hopefully I'll have more of that in future blogs, along with more old poetry, maybe some NEW stuff if I can come up with anything good, some book stuff, and... well, just more "deep" things about my life and how my brain works, cuz besides all the UBER depressing shit, I really like my brain and all the cool shit I think about. So yeah, til next time...

My Poetry

Hero

When evil appears, a hero is born
One day they will meet and begin their fight
They will compete over battlefields torn
With rage and fury only in their sight
They will spill each other's blood on the ground
and alter each other's lives for all time
Their loud screams of agony the sole sound
The whole world will watch, awaiting a sign
As the deadly finish nears to the strife,
the hero will re'lize what he must do
So he will sacrifice himself his treasured life
and the evil villain will perish too
The world fin'ly releases its held breath
And sadly mourns the noble hero's death

*****

I'm no "pro" at poetry, but I think I did a damn good job on that one. Nice wording to make everything sound good, well-described, and has a really good story too. Plus it's about the sacrifice of a great hero, and I always love those kinda stories. The fact that the man is not only sacrificing his life as a hero, but also as a person, just for some greater good, to defend the world from evil, and protect those people he truly cares about. He dies not only as a hero, but a man, and leaves all those who cared about him behind. It's so sad, but also so noble, and when I someday die, I really hope I go for a really good purpose like that, rather than some stupid accident or... whatever. I just don't want my life wasted for something that obviously isn't worth it. I want to be remembered, for people to know that I was a good person, that I cared about others, and I did my best to help people, even on my dying day. If that happens, then I'll die happy, and I REALLY don't want to die with regrets and other bad feelings. Anyway, here's another good poem from my high school days:

*****

Confrontation

Before the hero, the villain stood like a tower
He was dark and evil with great power
He held a sharp sword in his hand
Ready to battle in his homeland
The wind howled in the hero's ears
Like a monster bringing out all his fears
Both men each drew their respective blade
And charged each other, eyes full of rage

*****

Another good poem by me, and again, I really like the "feel" of it. It's very dark, and scary, even, and I like how it's all just a build-up to the actual battle. Obviously I'm VERY into heroes and villains and all that stuff, as can be seen here and my book(s) if ANYONE will ever take some fucking time out of their "busy schedules" to read them. Bleh.

Anywhore (yeah, I'm a thief too) This was a pretty positive little blog tonight. I'm not exactly in the GREATEST of moods, being that... well, I'm me, and with all the HORRIBLE news and bad shit lately, but I'm glad I could keep it GENERALLY happy. I'll try to do more of that rather than just bitching nonstop, cuz I know EVENTUALLY it's gonna get repetitive and old. I'll see what I can do about posting maybe book-stuff, like future ideas, hints, previews, just whatever's on my mind when it comes to my book/storyline in general. Maybe tomorrow I'll write the little thing I've been thinking about the last few days. We'll see. Tonight, I'm gonna try to go to bed early, after some rereading of the first Anita Blake book, so I'll be back blogging tomorrow. Til then...

My Poem

Here's the first of however many of my old poems I'll post here:

Marshall
Who is full of ideas,
Pure of heart,
And the best person that he can be
Who wants to have a prosperous life,
To greatly establish himself in the world,
And to change the way people think of certain ideas,
Such as love, courage, and being a true hero
Who needs the love and respect of friends and family,
To constantly improve his skills and increase his
Knowledge all his life,
And time everyday to relax and focus on what he wants
To accomplish
Who loves spending time with friends,
Seeing someones reaction to reading one of his stories,
And creating those new stories day by day
Who fears being truly alone,
Not fulfilling his destiny,
And not being able to fully use his abilities
Walls

Not exactly the most "artistic" poem of all time, I know, but I still like it. And, sadly in some ways, and nice in others, I still feel pretty much the same way now, even almost six and a half years after I originally wrote this. I still obviously want to be the best person I can be, to do well in life, hope to affect people with my books, if they ever ACTUALLY read them. I'm not so sure about the "love and respect of my friends" part, cuz with all the shit that's happened to me the last few months, I've realized how FEW of my friends truly do care about me. Most people, I've now discovered, don't really seem to give a shit about stuff that goes on unless it DIRECTLY has to do with them. I ask for favors, and VERY rarely, and it almost goes completely ignored by nearly everyone, whether it's just to read my book, even the SMALLEST little portion, or check out my photography and comment on it. No matter what, my requests, AND me, are ignored almost constantly, so the "caring" from my friends at this point is "bleh". Fuck it.

I keep trying to improve my skills and knowledge for sure, and also DEFINITELY need my alone time to chill, cuz when I'm TOTALLY busy with shit and without it, I feel like hell, or at least WORSE than normal. Again, I'm all iffy on the "loving spending time with friends" part unless it's a SHORT list of friends that I do like. The rest, I've realized, are selfish assholes, so again, fuck 'em. Mostly I only enjoy hanging out in small groups when I can be myself, be open and honest and funny and shit and NOT feel like im being bogged down by all the retarded bullshit around me. In big groups, I go silent, and while it's kinda relaxing to just chill, I'm often EXTREMELY fucking bored, so it sucks ass, pretty much. And then some people "want" me to go to out and hang out and shit "so badly" but when I'm out, they PRETTY much ignore me, so WHY FUCKING BOTHER? Seriously, they want me out, and then ignore me. Oh, I get the quick "hey, how ya been?" but if they REALLY know me and how I've been lately, they should ALREADY know I'm in my own personal hell with shit getting worse and worse and worse with each passing day. AKA they should STOP asking me stupid questions like that and just ACTUALLY talk to me, instead of ignoring me and making me feel even MORE invisible. I swear, this shit SHOULD be simple and logical and pretty much everyone who isn't a TOTAL dumbshit should realize it, but I GUESS not...

Seeing reactions to people reading my stories? Well, that shit hasn't happened in a LONG time, so yeah, NO! If anyone EVER read my book, I'd probably enjoy it, sure, but for now, no, I don't see it, therefore can't enjoy it. Even I barely "enjoy" my book anymore since I've read and reread and rereread it SO many fucking times that it makes my brain melt in my skull. And then people keep telling me "YOU are the only one who should matter when it comes to your book. If YOU like it, that's all that matters!" Well, sorry, but when a book is PUBLISHED, which is what I wanna EVENTUALLY do with my book, then what REALLY matters is the opinion of EVERYONE BESIDES ME! Yeah, that's how the real world works, so already having PRETTY much everyone that I know shunning me AND my book isn't making me too confident in my writing abilities or myself in general, so thanks everybody.

Creating new stories? Haven't done that in a while, but when I do, it's good, yes. I most DEFINITELY fear being alone, and now I'm more alone than ever being totally broke, depressed, miserable, and having nearly all the hopes and dreams and goals in my life fall apart RIGHT in front of me. People are almost ALL too busy to hang out with me, to even show up and see me every once in a while, so I'm alone almost all day, every single day, which is nice, sure, but I miss my old schedule of hanging out with a couple people every week at certain times to watch TV or wrestling or just hang out, maybe go out and do things, like movies or whatever. I don't have that at all anymore, and with all my dreams and shit dying too, life pretty much sucks ass.

At this rate, I'm most CERTAINLY not fulfilling my destiny, unless my destiny is to live at home with my parents forever, not have a job, and become a COMPLETE hermit, and eternal "virgin" to EVERYTHING involving girls. If so, then yes, I'm RIGHT on track, baby! *shaking head*

And finally, I'm certainly not using my abilities very fucking often cuz NO ONE EVER GIVES ME A FUCKING OPPORTUNITY TO DO SO! And almost EVERY single time I do get a shot, again, like my dreams, they're RIPPED away from me. So yeah, again, shit sucks.

That was quite a rant this evening, and I kinda feel better to admit things that I really wouldn't to anyone else, minus one or two people, but anyway, there's the first of my poems. Feels kinda good to know I'm the same person now that I was back in high school, but also bad to know that I'm just as far along in some things in my life now than I was over six and a half years ago. Fantastic. I wonder if I'll STILL be a complete fucking loser (especially when it comes to girls, those evil, selfish bitches) six and a half years from now. Well, February 2015, HERE I COME!!! :(